


Lift You Up

by ITZtigress3



Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Alternative universe-no band, Angst, Canon Divergent, Drama, F/M sex, Friendship/Love, Gen, Healing, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Miscarriage, Original Character Death(s), Stillbirth, Suicide Attempt, scared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2019-07-25 09:03:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 40
Words: 131,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16194383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ITZtigress3/pseuds/ITZtigress3
Summary: Miriam hasn't had the best of luck and now with a major change she's not sure if she can handle it. Can she make it through unscathed?Zac has loved Mariam since they were kids, but he was never able to tell her. Until now, when he knows she needs him. But will he be enough to keep her from falling off the edge?Special Thanks to Tonya for helping edit.





	1. Morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Copyright © 2014-Present By Jennifer Walker. All Rights Reserved.

Copyright © 2014-Present By Jennifer Walker. All Rights Reserved

POV: Zac

January 7, 2011

I groaned when the alarm clock went off at five am. I really didn’t want to get up, but I had to be at the store today by seven, so I went ahead and dragged myself out of bed. I first got a hot shower to wake myself up but I heard Zoe banging on the door before I was completely done. So, I rushed and got the towel around me before opening the door.

“I’m trying to shower here Zoe, what do you want?”

“The shower. You could have put clothes on.”

I rolled my eyes and headed back to my old room, it was one I shared with Taylor and Isaac when we were all under eighteen. Isaac lived with his wife and their children about four miles away and Taylor and his family were down in Broken Arrow. I hadn’t really lived here in a while. I moved out when I was 21 and when Carrie and I decided to live together I gave up my apartment and moved in with her.

Unfortunately, Carrie and I had broken up. Miriam had offered me her spare room but I came here. Not because I didn’t want to live with Miriam but I wanted to evaluate my own self and I couldn’t do that anywhere else but home. Added, at the time Mom and Dad had both been sick so it was a no brainer to come help with my younger siblings, but only Mackenzie and Zoe were at home. Let’s be real, at thirteen and seventeen I didn’t need to ‘watch’ them. Avery, my 20 year old sister, was in Oklahoma City going to college for Art and Jessica and her husband had moved out into a house close to where Taylor was.

I put on my blue jeans and a nice white t-shirt with a button up. As the co-owner of the store, I didn’t have to wear the uniform, which was kacki pants and a black polo with the store’s name in white, Hanson’s Grocery.

I left the house and arrived at 6:50. It was way too early for me, I usually came in at nine during the week or later.

“Good morning Zac.” He said.

“Morning Mike, Morning Nathan.”

Nathan smiled but he was steady texting someone. We went inside but by 7:05 the remaining stock crew was present, which included Lane, Lee, Kathy, Donny and Steven. They went off to the back to open up the doors for the truck that was waiting, he would off load the truck and then we’d start putting it up. I went to the office and began to get ready for the day. Debbie arrived on time and I had her till waiting for her to count and open. We operated 8 am to 9 pm daily, but usually management was here around seven and on stock days they arrived at seven too.

The front end manager, and Miriam’s best friend, Victoria, had arrived with Debbie. She was standing at the door to the office just staring at me, so I finally looked up from the desk.

“Can I help you?”

“Customer service till.”

“You run the front end, you know where the till is.”

“I like it better when Miriam opens, she has shit ready when I get here.”

“Well, Miriam closes today so you’ll have to deal.”

She got a till from the safe and headed back, sometimes she scared me. But, she and Miriam were good friends and had been for a long time. About nine I left and got biscuits for everyone and went by the bank for the day. I then got busy with paperwork. The store ran smoothly, but we still had things to do. Our assistant manager and Victoria could open if we weren’t here, given that Miriam and I owned the store itself we didn’t have to be here but it kept us from being bored. I was so wrapped up in paperwork and the invoices from various vendors that it was after two before I realized it.

I got up and stretched then headed to the floor, I didn’t even see Miriam anywhere but she was scheduled for one and she was punctual.

“Is Miriam here?”

“She’s in the back somewhere. I think she said something about cleaning a shelf?” Debbie said.

I headed toward the back of the store and found her in the dairy department; she was clearing off a shelf of eggs. I stood there and watched her as she moved cartons of eggs carefully from the shelf to a cart beside her. Miriam was just shy of five foot seven, in heels she was almost even with me. Her hair was a mixture of dark browns and lighter almost blondes, it was unique and hadn’t changed much. She had these deep green eyes, pouty lips and a perfect nose in my opinion. She was average weight; I think she once said 135 or something.

“You know, you stare at her an awful lot.” Donny said.

I turned slightly. “What?”

“I’ve caught you several times this week just staring at her, usually when she’s not aware of it.”

“I’m just watching her work.”

He smiled. “I doubt yours eyes are on that shelf. I’d bet they’re on her butt.”

“Donny.” I added a hint of warning to my voice.

“Just saying, but she has been kind of weird this week. She spent a lot of time in the bathroom Monday and she’s been super quiet. Not her normal talkative self.”

“I’ve noticed, anyway you need to get back to work.”

“On it boss.”

He moved on down the aisle with the boxes of water he was putting out. I moved back to find she wasn’t there! I went around and she was down the aisle some helping Lee, he worked the Dairy section because it contained some heavy boxes like milk, juice, and eggs. But the section also had creamers, cheese, and biscuits. She was standing in the shelf pulling something forward. I walked down and shook my head.

“Stairs Miriam, we have a step stool for that!”

“No, no. Last time I tried to use that I almost fell.”

I helped her back down and she moved back to the eggs, I rather followed her.

“You are coming to Zoe’s party, right?”

She faked offended. “I wouldn’t miss it Zachary. Zoe would never let me live it down.”

“What did you end up getting her?”

She glanced sideways. “I got her clothes and jewelry, something she loves. I don’t recommend you get her that.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously Zac, you suck at picking out clothes. Don’t get them. Do you want me to pick up something for her from you?”

“You don’t mind?”

“Never.”

“Do you feel okay MJ?”

She glanced at me. “I feel fine.”

I wanted to call her out for lying to me, but she was a strong woman and I was sure whatever was going on, she’d be fine. If not, I’d be there for her like always. I went back to the office and finished up the paper work, when I came back down she was helping the stock crew but she wasn’t doing the real heavy things. I checked in a few vendors and wrote some checks for them.

I was so hoping Victoria had left but as I was writing the checks she suddenly appeared. She sometimes really terrified me!

“You are the only person here that scares me!” I said.

She laughed. “Deal with it Zac. Did she tell you what was up?”

“Told me she was fine.”

“Told me the same thing. I presume you knew she was lying?”

I nodded; Victoria really was a pretty woman. Her naturally black hair and blue eyes were striking, but she preferred more gothic dress and often wore heavy black eye liner and maroon lipstick, even though here she couldn’t be in all black, her normal attire was black on black. At the moment her hair was dyed a darker shade of green, something she was known to do frequently. She had known Miriam since she was thirteen, I couldn’t fault her really. But, I’d known Miriam longer.

“She did lie to me but I also know if she really needs help she’ll say something. She broke up with Jake and then realized he was a drug dealing asshole, so maybe she found something new out about him.”

“Perhaps.”

She turned and waltzed out and I just sat there confused for a few moments, but then cashiers began to change shifts and I closed the door to block the noise. I knew…before she ever opened the door that something was wrong. Miriam came in holding her arm and there were tears on her face and blood on her arm.

“What happened?”

“Overzealous with the box cutter, it’s not bad.”

I got up and only looked; she sighed and then sat down and let me check. She was right, it wasn’t bad. But I knew it hurt and she knew I was going to clean and bandage it.

“How did you get cut?”

“I laid it down and then moved my fault. We do need to find some safety cutters because those don’t retract automatically.”

She hissed a bit when I wiped over the cut with alcohol. But I fanned it gently.

“I have some on order actually. Kathy cut her hand pretty badly a while back.”

She looked around and noticed the clean desk.

“Have you been doing paperwork?”

“I have, are you proud of me?”

“I am! Although, I’m going to be bored tonight.”

I put a little Neosporin on the cut and a bandage.

“Nope, I left the schedule for you to do.”

“Gee, thanks. You realize about everyone here has pretty set schedules right?”

“Yeah, but you rotate the part timers. You’re all good.”

“Thank you. You didn’t have to do that. I could have.”

“I don’t mind.”

“You never have minded, even when we were kids.”

I shrugged. “As I recall when you split your leg open on the tailgate of the truck, I was the only one that you’d let anywhere near you.”

“Not true! Mama Diana was allowed.”

“You only let her because I told you it might need stitches. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have let her either.”

She shrugged. “I knew you wouldn’t make it hurt more. Isaac was never a gentle person with dealing with wounds and Taylor was useless.”

“That he was, he saw blood and freaked.”

She giggled. “Do you remember when you broke your nose, how freaked out he was?”

“I do! The blood was his problem. His fault for sure though.”

“You three were horrible to each other at times.”

“That is true and sometimes we are now. But, come on we supported Taylor’s dream of being a singer.”

I regretted it the moment I saw her face. “I’m sorry MJ.”

“It’s fine Zac. It wasn’t Taylor’s fault. It was the drunk driver that hit us, he is to blame.”

Miriam had lost her parents and three-year-old brother in a car wreck that occurred in April of 1996. They had come down to Oklahoma City to support Taylor in his musical career. He was basically interviewing for a contract, which he got. They headed back to Tulsa after the show and on the route back a drunk driver hit them on the passenger side. The impact itself had killed both her little brother and mother. The car had spun and hit a tree, her father had been in a coma before he died a few days after the wreck. Miriam had a few broken ribs, a concussion, and several cuts and bruises. But she’d lived.

“I know MJ. But, still, I know it’s not an easy memory for you.”

She shrugged. “I wonder sometimes about my brother but I think my parents made a good decision when they put your parents down as to whom they wanted me to go to in case.”

“Poor you, thrown into the wolves den at the tender age of eleven.”

“Poor me? No Zac you got that confused. It was more like poor you and your brothers because you had to deal with my emotional turmoil and puberty at the same time.”

I cringed. “Can we not remind me of that?”

She just tilted her head. “Oh come on, you know you don’t mind reliving those memories too.”

“I’d rather not…”

She stuck her tongue out. “Fine, you going to just stay all day or what?”

“I can if you need me to.”

“Oh please, I can close the store down. I’ve done it many times before.”

“Hey, going home means I have to face Zoe and Mac.”

“That you do.”

“Are you really okay MJ?”

She nodded. “I am.”

“Okay, you gonna hang out here or head back to the floor?”

“You know I’m a physical person Zachary, I’ll be going back to the floor.”

I swallowed the lump that gathered in my throat, tried to ignore those images that floated to my mind at that sentence. But, she did head back to the floor and I sat down at the desk, I wouldn’t leave this spot until I was positive that no one would ever know how turned on I was.

I didn’t much like the puberty years, more than once I had embarrassed myself to no end. It was almost like my body had no control around her at all, clearly that hadn’t improved much. We’d been friends before she moved in with us, I think I met her when I was born almost. They moved in when I was one apparently, she’d always been around when our mothers had play dates or something. Miriam was an only child at the time and I remember when she pouted about having a little brother. She’d been whiney and pouting the whole pregnancy, until he was born, and then she turned into this very loving sister.

The night of the wreck they didn’t tell her, but she kept asking and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I’d told her the horrible truth that her baby brother was dead. I was eleven too, but I wasn’t immune to Miriam’s tears. I’d cried with her more than once since that day. I think she took his death harder than her parents’, but she’d been terrified of foster homes and child services.

Truthfully, I had been too. Child services would have split us up. But, they found the will and inside it listed my parents as the people they wanted their children to go to in the event of their death. I remember Mom making us clean the entire house for the inspection and that was one day where all of the Hanson kids got along. We all loved Miriam and none of us wanted to lose her forever. She had moved into the room with Jessica that following June.

It had hit Taylor hard though because he blamed himself, said if he hadn’t begged them to come down they wouldn’t have died. He didn’t forgive himself until she was sixteen, until she sat him down in our tree house and explained that that it wasn’t his fault; it was the driver that hit them.

When my phone lit up I looked and saw Taylor’s name, so I reached over and answered.

“What’s up?”

“Zoe wanted me to tell you to have MJ buy her gift from you.”

“Seriously?” I asked.

“Sorry Bro, clearly your taste in clothes suck.”

“I am no thirteen year old female; recall my fashion sense is nothing like yours.”

“Hey! I resent that! My fashion sense is fine.”

“Sure, sure. MJ was buying it anyway.”

“I told her that was probably how it would work anyway; she usually does buy the girls’ stuff from you.”

“Can’t fool me big bro, I am sure Natalie bought hers from you.”

“She did, well, I believe she let Ezra and Penny pick something out also.”

“Probably. Anything else interesting in your world?”

“Not really, just planning the new album. You still willing to be the bad ass drummer on the album?”

I snorted. “You know I’m the only one that can put up with your demands.”

He laughed. “That is true. It’ll be a while. I was thinking about asking MJ to do some backing vocals, recon she would?”

“If you ask nicely.”

“I can do that; it’ll be a while though. Store going well?”

“Yep. We’re still as busy, even with the other two locations sold and changed. People still come here.”

“Atmosphere. They love you and MJ.”

“That they do.”

“Excuse me, Zac?” She asked.

I turned and saw Jane standing at the door so I had Taylor hold on.

“Yes?”

“I need some change please; two large bills have nearly wiped my drawer out. Miriam was headed to the back and I didn’t want to bother her.”

“Not a problem, what do you need, small bills?”

“Yep. I need a round of change, ones, fives, and tens. Two hundred dollars worth.”

“I’ll bring it right out.”

She smiled and headed back out.

“Sorry, Jane needed change.”

“Isn’t MJ there?”

“Yeah, she’s on the floor somewhere. I’m actually in the office and did paperwork!”

“Suck up. But, I told Zoe I’d relay and I have. When I get a schedule for the recording I’ll give you both a call. I think Mom made a good decision giving that location to you two.”

“I’m not going to argue with that. Okay, just give me like a week’s notice so I can make sure we’re covered.”

“Will do. Bye bro.”

“Bye Tay.”

I hung-up, got her change and took it to her. Even jumped in and bagged for her and Gina. I saw Miriam walk across the back a few times and before I left I hunted her down, finding her in the dairy cooler counting boxes of milk.

“Problem?” I asked.

“You better be glad I heard that door open. No, he said he ordered ten each but we only got five. I was just checking the invoice and we only ordered five. That’s not enough for the weekend, so I had Mike order more for tomorrow. I hate paying the extra charge but we didn’t order enough.”

“It’ll be fine, it’s not often we have to. But, isn’t this the second or third time?”

“Fourth. I’m going to start checking the dairy order for Friday. If he does it again, I’ll speak to him.”

“Okay, I am headed out. If you need anything give me a call.”

“I will. I’m hoping for a quiet afternoon. I’m the only one up front though, right?”

“Yep. Victoria is already gone. She creeps me out sometimes MJ.”

She snorted. “She’s been creeping you out since I met her.”

“That she has. But, she seems to have Ninja skills or some shit.”

“And I don’t? I’m sure I’ve scared you a few times.”

“More than a few…I think it’s the dark hair and stuff. Why couldn’t you meet a fairy or something?”

She giggled. “I already had a fairy Zac; I needed a gothic witch to round out my friends.”

“Who the hell is your fairy friend and why have I never met her?”

She laughed. “You are my fairy friend Zac. You always tried to keep me out of trouble. She only wanted to get me in trouble.”

“I am not a fairy! I happen to like women very much.”

“Yeah, I know that. I don’t mean it like that. Just, you’re there when I need someone and that’s how fairies are. They are there when they are needed most. I didn’t need another friend to be there.”

“Awe, sappy talk MJ, sappy.”

“You like sappy talk sometimes admit it.”

She then pasted me and we both headed to the front and I followed her.

“Sappy talk is a no in my book.”

“Bull. I heard how you talked to Carrie.”

“She was my girlfriend MJ.”

“Suck it up Zac, you like sappy talk.”

As we walked to the front I couldn’t help but watch her hips, I shouldn’t torture myself this way. She’d never shown interest in being more than friends.

Once to the front, I handed her the controls and fake ran to the door getting them all to laugh. I said bye to them all and then headed home where I could eat dinner and just sleep!


	2. Confession Time

POV: Miriam

 

January 16, 2011

I was debating about going in to work, even though I was off and even though there was nothing for me to really do there. I just didn’t really want to be bored at home and I could surely find something to do at work, there was always something to do. Checking dates, rotating products, and cleaning in general.

We’d had Zoe’s thirteenth birthday party yesterday. It was a big hit and had gone very well. Thankfully she liked every present she got even if she thanked me later for the amazing outfit Zac had gotten.

However, I was certain that the number of times I said I was okay went largely ignored. They nodded, said okay, but I know they were ignored and no one believed it. I was still standing at the counter debating about going to work when there was a knock. I rather expected Victoria, but instead Zac was standing at the door. A Dr. Pepper in one hand, two pizza’s in the other, and this goofy smile.

“How did you know I wanted pizza?”

“I guessed.”

I stepped out of his way and he came inside. He took the pizza and soda to the end of the counter and sat them down and then proceeded to get us plates and cups with ice. I just closed the door and watched him.

“I still say you could have gotten a bigger kitchen.”

“This place is perfect for just me and even if I got a roommate it would be fine.”

“There is not enough room here for massive pizza, you need a bigger kitchen.”

I rolled my eyes but grabbed a plate and dug in, he’d even gotten my favorite, and he didn’t even like mushrooms! Yet, I noticed the second one had none and it was mostly meats, typical for Zac to get a meat lover’s pizza.

“I get the whole pizza to myself?”

“You do, those nasty mushrooms, almost couldn’t even ask for them.”

“Aww, you do love me.”

I smiled and then moved to the living room and sat down on the loveseat closer to the kitchen. The house was small and I had two love seats, one in the middle of the space and one against the left hand wall in front of the windows. My large TV was mounted on the wall on the right hand side with a little entertainment center below for the video game systems and the cable box.

I would have gone to the little table in the nook, but it was currently covered in bills, papers, my laptop and other crap. He did eye the table but chose to sit down on the other love seat. But, I wasn’t stupid; this wasn’t a visit because he was bored at home. This was a visit to get me to tell him what was wrong, because I was sure no one believed me when I said I was fine and therefore he was sent to get it from me.

But, we ate in silence and I was grateful for that, even if I had most of mine left over.

“Not that hungry?”

“I’ll eat more in a bit.”

He raised an eyebrow, he’d cleared half already. But at that point he stopped and sat back. Appraised me it felt like.

“You know why I’m here MJ. You know very well that no one believes you are completely fine. Is it the job? Bills? What’s going on? Even the crew members are asking me if you are okay and Victoria is even asking and that is rare for her.”

“Did it occur to any of you that I might be fine? That I may just want to have some alone time?”

He leaned over. “It did, for a day. Then I noticed the same things everyone else has. You aren’t as talkative, you aren’t as active as you were a few months ago at work, and you know…you spent half the week in the bathroom throwing up and I suspect that’s why you stopped at two slices.”

“You aren’t leaving until you are satisfied with the answer are you?”

“Nope. I even brought an overnight bag in case it takes days.”

Truthfully, I didn’t want to tell anyone yet. I didn’t want to voice it. It was hard to admit that I had made the mistake anyway, let alone anything else.

“Promise you won’t be mad?”

“Miriam, there is nothing you can do that would make me mad enough to leave. I survived the puberty years and you definitely made that hard as hell.”

“It’s not my fault you had no control over your hormones.”

“It wasn’t mine either! At least not then anyway. But come on, you told the entire crew of the tour that I had a boner and that was why I was hiding. If that didn’t piss me off enough to leave, I doubt anything would. That was total and utter humiliation by the way.”

“That was pretty funny though, you have to admit.”

“It was funny to you! Not my fourteen year old self. It was horrible! My _mother_ was there Miriam. I was trying to hide the obvious and you just pointed it out when Isaac asked me why I was hiding behind the table.”

It wasn’t that I meant to tell the whole crew, I just didn’t realize they were all there at that specific time! He didn’t talk to me for a week that time, but that was usually the limit. He was always the best one to pick on for anything and he knew most the time I was kidding. But, sometimes, I could overstep even his boundaries for kidding and that was one of those times.

I was about to say the words, to say what was wrong but the doorbell chimed and I got up to get it. I was pretty sure he wanted me to send them away but it was Victoria and I let her in. Thank god! She would be a perfect distraction and I was going to take it and run like hell with it!

Zac groaned and complained about the intrusion but she just looked at him and he cringed a bit.

“So, what are we talking about?”

“How I humiliated him once.”

“That’s possible?” She asked.

“I was fourteen!” He said.

“I repeat, that’s possible? I don’t think anything I have tried has worked.”

I giggled. “I kind of told the entire tour crew why he was hiding; I didn’t know they were all there. I thought it was just Ike.”

“MJ…” he said.

“Hey, I want to know what the hell works.” Victoria said.

“Well….he had no control over his hormones then, I rather pointed it out in front of everyone while he was trying desperately to hide that fact.”

“I presume you were somewhere nearby?” She asked.

“Of course.”

She glanced between us and then spotted the pizza and dove into the one he’d gotten for me. That was utterly fine, I wouldn’t need a ton of leftovers. We sat down and played some video games and he ignored the question because she was here. About 2:45 he got up and went to the bathroom.

“I think I interrupted his make you talk plans.”

“You did. He plied me with pizza and soda.”

“Damn…you know he likes you right?”

I was a bit confused but looked at her. It was kind of out of left field!

“Of course he likes me Tori, he’s known me forever. If he didn’t like me, we wouldn’t be friends.”

She smiled. “Delusional you are. No honey, I meant he likes you, like as more than his friend. We’ve all caught him staring at you; he is always concerned more about you. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you liked him too.”

“He’s my friend Tori; I don’t think he sees me in that way.”

“Delusional you are.”

“She is delusional if she thinks she’s winning.” he quipped.

The conversation diverted back to the game and sure enough, he won. But she made up some excuse about 4:15 to head home and I was kind of disappointed because he wouldn’t pester me while she was here. Yet, when I came back from seeing her out he had turned the game off and he was just sitting there, watching me. I sat down beside him and after a few minutes it was clear, he was going to just sit there until I told him what was going on.

I sighed. “You can’t tell anyone Zachary. Not Mama Diane, not Papa Walker, not even Victoria.”

I had begun to refer to his parents in those manners when I was thirteen, it just didn’t feel right to call them Mom or Dad. They never required I called them those names, and I was happy with my alternative names because honestly they were like my mama and papa.

“You know the last time you made me agree not to tell, you were almost arrested for trespassing. Not sure I want to agree to that right now.”

“I’m not ready for anyone know, not even you. It’s nothing illegal.”

He looked at me critically before he sighed. “I’ll agree, but if it could be illegal I hold no promises. I’ll keep whatever is wrong between us. Just tell me what the problem is.”

“I’m pregnant.”

There was no other way to really say it and that was the first time I’d ever really said the words out loud. It was clear that he didn’t expect that answer at all. Yet, I had taken ten home tests and all were positive.

“Pregnant? As in you’ll have a baby?”

I nodded. “I went last Wednesday after work to confirm. My ten home tests were right.”

I couldn’t honestly read his expression, truly, he almost seemed disappointed? Sad? I couldn’t really tell.

“Please, tell me you cheated on Jake with someone else?”

“I didn’t, but it doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it matters Miriam, he’ll be the dad and have rights. You’ll have to deal with him and I don’t like him.”

I shook my head. “I sent him a letter last week when I found out, I got a reply Friday.”

“And?”

“He told me I was a crazy bitch to think that this bastard child was his, told me to take my baby daddy story to someone who would believe my slutty self. Apparently, I was nothing to him but a lay anyway and he doesn’t ever want to hear from me again.”

I could tell that he was pissed off about that, but thankfully, even if he wanted to stomp his ass and I knew he did, he couldn’t. Not for ten to fifteen years anyway because he was in jail that long.

“I knew that asshole was no good.”

“I didn’t. Anyway, the doctor said it was probably November sometime, I go back next month for the sonogram to get a better idea of a due date.”

“You aren’t sick, just morning sickness?”

“More like all day sickness, glad the pizza has settled well. You did well.”

“Why didn’t you want to tell anyone?”

“Because I haven’t even adjusted to the idea myself, that’s the first time I’ve said I’m pregnant. I don’t even…I just…”

I didn’t intend to cry, but saying the words out loud really made them real and I was so confused on what to do. He normally hated tears and shit, but I found his arms around me to be comforting. I had always loved his bear hugs as they always felt so damn safe and warm.

“It’ll be fine Miriam.”

“How can it possibly be fine Zac? Jake wants nothing to do with this baby and I can’t even make him help me in any way because he can’t. I don’t know what to do with a baby I can’t hand back to its mother. I don’t think I can do this. I can’t even make a suitable budget for myself, how the hell do I plan for a child too? And Daycare? I have no idea what to do.”

His hand was just caressing my arm, soft and warm.

“You don’t need him. Not for his presence and surely not for financial help.”

“I’m glad you believe that.”

I felt his fingers under my chin and let them guide my face to look at him.

“I do believe that, because you don’t need him. I’ll be right here.”

“Zac, this is not a school bully or losing a puppy. It’s not something that will go away in a week.”

“I know that Miriam, but I also know that you don’t need him. If he doesn’t want the baby that’s fine, you have more than enough men in your life to be his or her role model. You don’t need him. You don’t need money from him, you don’t need his time, and you need nothing from that asshole.”

He says that but he didn’t have a clue how my finances were or how much it’ll truly cost to raise a baby. But the way he was looking at me, so different than anything else. I pulled back and away from him.

“You say that but you don’t know the costs.”

“I presume that’s why you have a table covered in bills and shit?”

“I needed to make sure the insurance covered pregnancy and then what I had and would need to move around.”

“Why are you fretting over finances? Dad taught you and I both how to be strong accountants. You’ve done remarkable; you saved up and bought a house Miriam.”

“This isn’t a store Zac. This is a child and there are so many unknown and unpredictable expenses.”

He snorted. “You fret like you can’t cover it all. Miriam, you are a great budgeter. You just never needed one for yourself. Besides, you saved up for the down payment of this house, you made sure your credit was solid and you got a damn good low interest loan. I don’t believe that finances are the problem here.”

I sat there quietly; kind of stunned that he could so easily read me. But, then again, I should have known because he had been doing that since we were young. He seemed to always know there was a problem and always know when my bullshit covers were there. He also always knew what to do to make it all better.

“How do you even know that isn’t the problem?”

“Your eyes give you away. They always do.”

He gave me his trademark smile and I kind of wanted to melt. That smile always did it and he fucking knew it!

“I had to wait last Wednesday because I was a call in and I hated the way they looked at me. Waiting alone in the office, it felt like everyone there knew I’d fucked up, would be a single mom. It was a really shitty feeling and it’s going to be everywhere I go.”

“You shouldn’t fear that Miriam, it’s not your fault Jake can’t be there and won’t be.”

“I know that but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel bad. It felt like everyone there was with their baby’s dad and I was just alone. It sucked and I have to look forward to that every month and then the hospital is going to ask…”

“I’ll go with you.”

“I just feel so judged by these women that don’t even know me and I can just imagine how everyone is going to think. Single Mom, loser dad. Stupid decisions. I don’t want to be there alone.”

“I’ll go with you.”

I knew he said something, but not what.

“Huh?” I asked.

He laughed. “Best part about you when you’re on a roll, you ignore everyone. I said I’ll go with you. I’ll go to the appointments with you.”

“Why would you want to? It’s not your responsibility.”

“I’ll go with you, so you aren’t alone. Really, I don’t think anyone cares if you’re alone. But, if it makes going easier then I’ll go with you.”

“Wouldn’t you be seen as the insensitive father if you stayed in the waiting room?”

“I don’t have to stay in the waiting room. I can come back too.”

I had to laugh at that and it really felt good to laugh, but he just looked at me puzzled.

“What is so funny? You are freaking out about being there alone and I’m offering to go.”

“It’s not that, it’s you offered to come back. Do you have any idea what they do?”

“Not a single fucking one, but if it makes it easier for you. I’ll do it.”

“I don’t think you mean that. Come on Zac, you know they do checkups and paps and shit. You nearly had a heart attack when you asked your Mom and she was telling you. How can you sit in the room and be fine?”

“I will stick my nose in a book, magazine, or my phone. I mean really, I can be pretty focused on something and forget everything else.”

“You’d really go with me? Even go back?”

“As I have said if it makes it easier for you then yes. You don’t have to be alone in this Miriam. You have Mom and Dad that will help you with questions, Natalie and Nikki can help you also if you prefer someone in our age range. You are great with Taylor and Isaac’s kids, you always have been.”

“This isn’t someone else’s kid.”

“You’ll be fine.”

“You still can’t tell anyone.”

“It’s not illegal or anything, my promise stays. I won’t tell anyone else until you assure me its fine. I’ll just tell them you had some financial issues or something. You make them worry and then make me promise not to tell!”

“Sorry, I want to know things are okay before I tell everyone. I won’t really know that until the next appointment.”

“Speaking of, when is that appointment?”

“It’s next month on the third, at three in the afternoon.”

“I’ll make sure the store is covered then but I think that’s my closing day, I’ll make sure someone can be there to cover.”

“Victoria will be and you can go back after the appointment.”

“She still scares me sometimes.”

“Sorry…but I maintain, I had to have a gothic trouble maker to counter your fairyness.”

“I repeat I am not a fairy.”

“You are my fairy, that’s all that matters.”

There was that look again and it lasted moments before he jumped up and got the leftover pizza. I tilted my head some because maybe Victoria was right…Could it be he really did like me? How many male friends would volunteer to go back? But, who knew if he would when the time came. He heated up pizza and we had dinner and then another ten or so game before I got too tired.


	3. The Appointment

POV: Zac / Miriam

 

February 3, 2011

Everyone has asked me what was wrong with MJ, what the problem was. I simply told them it was a financial issue and that things were fine. Did I believe they believed that? Nope. But, no one forced the issue and for that I was glad.

If I was honest with myself, I really wished the baby she carried was mine. Not that asshole’s. But, today was her appointment and I had done as much prepping for myself as possible. I made sure that the store was covered for the few hours I would be gone. I was coming back after the appointment. She had been pretty much in the bathroom this week too. I swear that I could see a very small bump, nothing dramatic and I was sure it was just my imagination.

There were still a few hours before the appointment. She was on the floor talking to the grocery manager and a few of the crew when I came up and overheard Kathy ask her a question.

“Miriam, what are you planning for Valentine’s day? Anything special?”

“Same thing I’ve done the last few years. Sit at home, drink wine, and gorge on chocolate I bought.”

I was sure she was kidding about the wine, but wait…she’d been alone the last few?! I knew she had been with asshole during Valentines the last two years at least, they should have done something.

“Weren’t you dating someone last year?”

“Yeah, Adam. But he claimed that he had to work and we never made any plans for before or after. It’s fine; I’ve gotten use to being alone that day. Buy myself good wine and chocolate, watch movies.”

“You need to find a real man; clearly you aren’t finding the real ones.” Mike said.

She laughed. “Is there such a thing?”

“There is, they’re just hard to find.” Kathy said.

There were laughs and I put the last item on the shelf and returned to the cart I was working on. I couldn’t say that I was great with that holiday either, usually I tried, and usually I failed. It was either not the right flowers, not the right chocolate, or that one girl…hated the whole holiday. But neither of us was dating anyone, so maybe I could see what I could do to make this year better for her than previous ones.

I finished working on that cart and at two my alarm went off, letting me know to clean up and head to the front. I put the boxes in the baler and then threw the paper into recycling bins and headed to the front. She would have to leave by 2:30 to make it on time. I walked into the office and she was sitting in the chair, head on the desk.

“You okay MJ?”

“Feel queasy. Pork skins and I don’t get along now. What’s up?”

“Want me to drive to the appointment? Probably should if you feel sick.”

She turned and looked at me, clearly a bit stunned.

“Wait…you...weren’t kidding? You really are going?”

“No MJ I wasn’t I told you I’d go if it made it easier for you. I’ll even go back, if you feel sick though I should drive.”

Again she just sat there, blinked at me. I grabbed the other chair and pulled it up.

“Everything else okay?”

“Yeah, just didn’t think you were truly serious. I mean, it’s really not your responsibility to go with me.”

“I know.”

I really wish it were my responsibility, but I was fully aware it wasn’t. Didn’t mean I wouldn’t help her.

“You do have something to do while you’re there, right?”

“Yep. I have a game on my phone I can stare at.”

I didn’t think I’d need a game though. But I waited and about five minutes until time to leave I got our jackets and handed hers to her.

“Isn’t that one of mine?” I asked.

She giggled. “It is, one of your older hoodies you left at the apartment. It’s comfortable and soft.”

“I wondered what happened to it. But, I don’t think it fit me very well anymore.”

Victoria gave us both a strange look when we left, but she didn’t know where we were going or why. She just knew we were both leaving. The drive to the doctor’s office was quiet and once I was parked she looked at me.

“You don’t have to do this Zachary.”

“How many more times do I have to say I will before you believe me? I know that I don’t have to, but come on, you feel bad coming alone and you shouldn’t. If this helps you feel better about coming, then I’ll be here for every appointment.”

It was rare that she ever had an expression that I didn’t understand or know, but the one she was giving me was one of those I wasn’t familiar with. But she finally smiled and got out of my truck and I followed her inside. No one questioned who I was or why I was here. She checked in and paid the co-payment then we sat down in the waiting room.

Like most doctors’ offices this one was pretty bland with white walls, white trim, and the generic pictures of flowers and scenery. The chairs were all brown with white seats and they were horrible to sit in. Why would pregnant women ever want to have such horrible chairs?! There was a little table with coffee, water, and juice with cups in one corner and the obvious fake plants.

I did notice that it did seem like every obviously pregnant woman did have a man with them, it was weird but no wonder she felt so judged by them. I would too! Two others were called back and both times the guy went back, so I wasn’t going to back out now. When the nurse called her name I stuck to my word and got up with her, followed her back. Yet, I’d seen this unreadable look before she moved to where her face wasn’t seen by me.

We paused for them to do a weight check which I didn’t hear the number, she was then sent into a small bathroom for a urine sample I assumed. I remained in the hallway awkwardly waiting alone. Once that was complete the nurse led us to a room.

“How are you feeling Ma’am?”

“Little sick actually, apparently pork skins don’t agree with me right now.”

“You’ll find a lot of stuff doesn’t.”

I kind of tuned out the conversation a bit but it was MJ’s hand on my arm that got my attention.

“Hello? Earth to Zac?”

I looked at her confused. “What? I was admiring the bland room, have they ever heard of color?”

She giggled. “Most of the building is white. But, I’m glad you focused on the paint. However, I need to unrobe and you’re in the way of the bed.”

I almost questioned what she meant but it hit me…she had to remove clothes. Fuck! I hadn’t expected that she would have to undress to any degree! I was just expecting this sonogram and maybe talking and I could ignore those!

“Um, you realize the chairs are at the foot of that bed right?” I asked.

“Did you expect them to be hiding behind a curtain? The doctor’s assume that the men in the room have already seen the girl without clothes.”

“Yeah, well, this one hasn’t.”

Not that I wouldn’t mind seeing her without pesky clothes, but I grabbed one of the chairs and moved it to the head of the bed. It was a tight little fit and close to the bed but I wouldn’t see anything here. I sat down and flipped my hood over my head. It came down enough to cover most of my face.

“There.”

She giggled and I could hear movements and even the damn sound of the zipper! I could handle this. I could. I will not get reactions to the sheer images of her being half naked. Nope, none...I could…shit!

I shifted a bit to hopefully hide the reaction; I really had zero excuses here like before!

“I have nowhere else to lay them…”

I was about to question but a moment later her pants landed in my lap, neatly folded. It really was a good thing to cover the growing issue but I really hoped she hadn’t noticed. Given she didn’t say anything I was thinking she didn’t. I heard the crinkling of the paper and then some other crinkling.  
  
“You are clear, I’m covered.”

“Sure?”

“Yes.”

I moved the hoodie to find her sitting on the table, a thin paper thing draped over her lap. Thank god the shirt came down to the table, so all I really saw was a little bit of her thigh, which I’d seen before many times in the summer.

“You look slightly red faced there Zac.”

“I read about the sonogram, didn’t realize there was need for undressing.”

“This is the check up part. Routine pap is included, I warned you, but the ones after this shouldn’t include this.”

I was pretty sure that caused more redness, but at least it did tamper the thoughts leading to the problems. The doctor came in a few moments later, greeted her.

“This must be Dad?” He asked.

“No. The father isn’t interested but this is a really good friend who agreed to come along.”

“He’s a keeper if he came here and doesn’t have to be.” He replied.

Was I invisible? He finally introduced himself as Dr. Bridges and I gave him just a first name. He then went back to ignoring me and asking her questions. Was she eating right? Sleeping? Still sick? That was pretty normal and should taper now that she was at three months. If not, he’d prescribe something. When he said lay back I was mildly confused until she moved. Laying back put her head right beside me and fuck! I thought those thoughts were done until this, I didn’t see anything really! Another nurse had come in and I guess because her doctor was a male.

“Any tenderness?” He asked.

“A little bit, but nothing major.”

She seemed very nervous lying there, not that I wouldn’t be. Some random guy all up in that area and I’d be nervous too! I reached over and laid my hand on her arm.

“You okay?”

“Yeah...Just it’s a tad uncomfortable.”

“You’re doing well though.”

When the doctor was done with whatever he was doing he told her she could get dressed and they’d do the sonogram in another room. I flipped the hood back over while she sat up and got dressed. When she was dressed again she pulled the hood back.

“You look so uncomfortable. You could have waited.”

“What are friends for? I could never do that though!”

“It’s not the first time or the fifth. They are just uncomfortable in general.”

She sat back down on the bed and we waited just a few moments before the doctor came and got us. All they did here was a little tissue paper tucked under the waistband, thank god! I did slide up some here so I could see the screen. The nurse applied gel which she complained about being cold. The screen just looked like a black and grey image to me.

“What is that?” I asked.

The nurse smiled. “This little area here is the baby. It can be hard to see at first and usually at this time and sooner it’s like a bean.”

Looked alien to me but as she moved the wand around I could actually kind of see the general shape of a baby. She really was pregnant.

“So, you mentioned November. I’m going to agree and it looks like your due date is about August 16th.”

“Just after your birthday!” I said.

“He or she could be early or late, it’s your first right?”

“Yeah.”

There was something in her voice that sounded off but I didn’t question it, because this was her first baby. She didn’t have any other kids.

“Everything looks good. I don’t see any issues. Unless you are having other complications we won’t do another sonogram until about twenty weeks, we’ll check anatomy then and if you want determine the gender.”

“Sounds good.” Miriam said.

The nurse let her wipe away the gel and we were done. My first experience at a pregnancy checkup had been okay for the most part. She made the next appointment which I put in my phone and then we headed to the truck. She was quiet until we were inside and seat belted in.

“Thank you for coming, I know it made you highly uncomfortable for the first part.”

“Maybe, just a little. But the sonogram was kind of different. I’ve only seen photos, never any live versions.”

“Although, I have no idea what could have been even a slight turn on to you. I don’t think I want to know really.”

“I…I don’t what you mean.”

“Hey, if you want to pretend that didn’t happen I can to.”

Fuck! Thankfully she didn’t want to elaborate, so I headed back to the store. She indicated she was going to finish up the last few invoices because we had more vendors tomorrow coming in. So, she headed to the office and I went to the back to check on the stock room but when I turned Victoria was standing there.

“Good grief! Will you please stop scaring me like that?”

“Where did you two go?”

“I wanted food.”

“But she ate not long before you left, what are you keeping from us? I know she told you what was wrong.”

“Tori..”

“Zachary. You went somewhere and it wasn’t to eat.”

“We had lunch, she didn’t eat much but I didn’t want to eat alone.”

She narrowed her eyes and I wondered if she was going to keep pushing but she leaned her head sideways.

“You are lying to me about that, but I’ll assume it’s something she didn’t want you to tell us. Just tell me it’s not something super bad.”

“It’s not bad Tori. She’s not dying or anything.”

“Okay.”

She turned and headed back to the front and I found the stock room to be fairly clean but a few things could be worked on so I gathered them and headed out. Miriam came to the back about four and said she was headed home. I’d see her tomorrow anyway but it was nice to know she wasn’t in the store anymore. I wouldn’t go hunting for her. I continued to straighten up and clean, wanting my bed!

 

**-Miriam-**

Honestly, I never expected him to actually go. I then never expected him to go back with me. Despite how red his face was and the obvious arousal was confusing to me. Was it a response to me? It couldn’t have been anything else!

Yet, he didn’t seem to want to discuss that and really, I wouldn’t push it. He’d done me a huge favor because it really did make going easier and less nerve wracking. I finished the invoices and let him know I was leaving and then headed home.

I fixed myself dinner and ate there at the table as I tried to figure out bills and shit. It really wasn’t a major concern, but as a single parent I did need to make sure I budgeted better. It was just stressful to think about and worry over!

Pregnant. I was an idiot for ever believing Jake cared at all. Because I really wanted him to know about his child I tried one more letter, which received the same basic response just with more cuss words. I kept them just in case because if he got out of jail and came after our child I had proof he didn’t want anything to do with him or her.

Once I was finished with dinner I washed up the few dishes and cleaned up some, finally sitting down about nine. There was one thing that I did keep to myself, wondering how my parents would feel. Would they be happy? Disappointed? There were times where I always wondered what they’d think. I’d been grateful that they had recommended the Hansons as a replacement family. It really made the pain easier to handle. How could you be sad when Zac was around?

I got the sonogram pictures and looked at them, I couldn’t hide this long so I knew I needed to tell people besides Zac, who was doing a great job at keeping it a secret. I was just afraid at how they’d react to this. I wasn’t married, didn’t have a boyfriend and the baby’s dad was a drug dealing thief who was going to prison for ten to fifteen years.

About 9:45 Victoria sent a text.

**_If you’re awake, call me._ **

I hit the call button and she answered on the first ring.

“Problems?” I asked.

“No. Actually Zac did really well getting us out on time. But, where did you two go today?”

“Lunch, he wanted food and I needed a break. I ordered a drink.”

We’d discussed this on the way back in the event nosey employees or friends asked.

“I don’t believe either of you. He was starving an hour later.”

“You know how he can eat sometimes.”

“Miriam. I’ve known you both since you were thirteen. Why are you keeping me in the dark about this? He said it wasn’t anything to worry about. Are you sick?”

“No Tori, I’m not sick. Promise I’ll tell you soon. I’m not dying or anything and I’m not sick or have any disease.”

“Then just tell me.”

“I would rather tell you in person. But, it’ll be a little while. I know you don’t want to hear that but I need to figure things out first without everyone around.”

“But you aren’t dying?”

I giggled. “No, I’m not dying.”

“Good. So…what are your plans for the weekend?”

“I plan to clean up some, rearrange the cabinets a bit and unpack some more boxes. I’ve been here over six months and still have shit packed up. I really didn’t think I owned that much.”

But that bedroom that was a catch all will have to be a nursery now. So, it had to be cleaned out.

“Want company?”

“Sure, if you want to be bored and hang out, come on. I think Zac’s going to be with Allen this weekend, some kind of guy’s weekend.”

“Good we can have a girl’s weekend!”

“We can. Anyway, I’m going to go ahead and get myself changed and in bed. I’ll call you when I get up as I am not setting an alarm.”

“Okay, sleep well.”

“You too.”

I hung up and got ready for bed. I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling when the tone went off. I picked up the phone and opened the message from Zac.

**_Goodnight Miriam. Thank you for letting me go and I maintain – I’ll continue to go if you want me to._ **

_Good Night Zachary – You’re welcome and I think I would like that. As much as you looked uncomfortable I did feel better with you there. I’ll see you Monday._

I got a smiley face in return. I lay back down and maybe…Victoria was right.


	4. Taylor's Questions

POV: Zac

 

February 4, 2011

I didn’t really like the closing and then opening but I was here on time and thankfully because the truck was early! I let Victoria in at 7:15 but I had to get to the back for the truck. She wasn’t thrilled that the registers weren’t near ready but she didn’t complain and she didn’t look quite awake either.

But by the time we opened she was fine and I was back in the front end, counting the deposits and getting them ready. She was handling customers and the front end. It was about ten when I got the bank bags and put everything in it, I was about to get up when Taylor appeared at the door.

“Morning.”

“Morning, you’re here early for shopping.”

“I’m not really here to shop; I came to speak to you actually.”

“Well, I was about to go to the bank. Wanna ride with me?”

“Sure.”

I picked up the bags and headed out of the office. Victoria was at the customer service desk and glanced my way.

“You out for a bit?”

“Yep. Any requests?”

“Make sure you get extra rolled coins and ones, they were pretty low Monday.”

“Got it, MJ made a note for me.”

“Then no other requests from me.”

We headed on out to my truck and got in, I put the bags in the console and we both got our seat belts on. I then cranked up and headed toward the bank.

“So, what is important enough that I get a personal visit? Usually you just text me or call when there is a question.”

“Well, Natalie kind of mentioned something and I wasn’t sure if she was just going blind or seeing things but she assured me neither are true. I figured this was an in person kind of question.”

“I haven’t seen Natalie in like a week. She came and got groceries last week sometime.”

He waited until I was cleared of the red light before he took a deep breath.

“Natalie said she saw you and Miriam leaving Dr. Bridges’ office yesterday. Dr. Bridges is an OB doctor and while she understands Miriam going, she doesn’t understand why you would be with her and coming out with her.”

“Why was Natalie even there?”

“She drove by and saw your truck. She doubled back to make sure it was your truck. She was confused and then she saw you and Miriam walk out. Are you saying she was right and you both were actually there?”

I stopped at the light. “We were there. She had an appointment.”

“I am pretty sure she didn’t need you for some routine appointment. I mean I know she’s your best friend but come on that’s too much to believe.”

I didn’t say anything; eventually he would guess the real reason. Therefore, I wouldn’t be breaking my promise to Miriam. A good solid five minutes passed before he spoke again.

“She’s pregnant isn’t she? That’s why she’s been so off lately?”

“She told me after Zoe’s party when everyone sent me over, but she requested I not tell anyone.”

“Is the baby yours?”

“I wish.” I said.

Wait…had I said that out loud? I hadn’t meant to say that but I must have because he spoke right after.

“You wish? So it’s not yours but you want it to be?”

I stopped at the last stop sign, the bank right ahead of me.

“The baby belongs to Jake. She is around twelve weeks and we were there yesterday for the first sonogram. She explained that she felt bad being there alone, like she was being judged.”

“So you what? Volunteered to go with her?”

“Basically. I told her I would attend any appointment she wanted me to.”

“So, the baby belongs to Jake, but you wish the baby was yours?”

I pulled into the bank and parked. “Give me a bit.”

I left him in the car and went inside to deposit the money, get the change, and pick up any slips. But, she had gotten them yesterday so it was just today’s. I was inside about thirty minutes. Honestly, it gave me time away from that conversation! But, he was ready when I got back in the truck.

“Come on Zac.”

I stared at him for several moments.

“Yes, Taylor. I wish the child she is carrying belonged to me. I wish that her first child was ours and not hers and some asshole’s who doesn’t want a damn thing to do with her or the baby. But it’s not and I can’t change that and it’s probably never going to happen.”

“Haven’t the two of you already had sex or something?”

“No. What the hell gave you that idea?”

He blinked. “You’re saying that you two haven’t? Isaac and I were positive ya’ll have at least once.”

“No. I’ve never seen her without clothes. She even wore the conservative bathing suits until the last year or so.”

“Well, that’s not even nude and Zac you were at an appointment, I’ve been in those offices.”

“I didn’t realize they were doing that type of an exam, but I moved the chair to the head of the bed and used my hoodie to cover my face when she undressed. I never saw anything but the side of her leg. But, I was so damn disappointed when she told me the problem was she was pregnant. Just fucking sucks. But then she said being there alone made her feel judged. I couldn’t make her go alone so I volunteered to go.”

“Because deep down you wish the baby was yours?”

“Yes. But the baby isn’t mine Taylor.”

“If you like her, how come you haven’t told her?”

I cranked up the truck and headed back toward the store.

“Because she doesn’t seem interested in dating me Taylor, she seems content that we’re good friends and I don’t want to fuck that up.”

“Looking back I think maybe you two are perfect for each other. Seriously, no sex? Not even a kiss?”

“Only in my fantasies Taylor.”

“Sure? She sure liked to point out your obviousness a lot.”

“I’m sure, despite her pointing out things.”

“You know Ike and I were pretty sure she was ultimately the reason you had so damn many embarrassing moments around her.”

“It took twice for me to realize she was the reason Taylor. But, again, she never seemed interested in more than being friends. So, I never approached the topic. Just let her have her laughs.”

She had found some of them hilarious because of the situation. Middle of a crowded room? On the tour bus when there was no obvious reason I should be hard. But, she seemed to fail to recall that she was there. She was always there. I didn’t mind that sometimes she embarrassed the hell out of me, but no matter how pissed I was, a week was my limit before I had to talk to her, before I had to know she wasn’t leaving. Taylor was quiet on the rest of the drive and even as I put away change and slips. Only when I was done did he slide a chair over and sit down.

“You wish this baby was yours, but Zac just because he or she doesn’t share your DNA, doesn’t mean they couldn’t be yours. You indicated Jake wants nothing to do with either of them?”

“That implies wanting more Taylor. And yes, he wants nothing to do with either of them.”

“Yes. But, you could talk to her and express your concern about your friendship and that you value it more than anything. But, that you’d like to maybe try you and her and that you’d like to be there for them both. I don’t think she’s as against the two of you as you say. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have let you go to that appointment.”

“Maybe. But, you can’t say anything about knowing. She made me promise not to tell. I feel like she may be close to telling, so act shocked.”

“Will do, what about Natalie?”

“You can tell her because she saw us, but again she has to act shocked.”

He nodded. “Think about it Zac. You haven’t really connected with anyone you’ve dated. Maybe it’s because you’re dating the wrong person. I gotta head to the studio. Have a good afternoon.”

“I’ll try.”

He left the office and I sat there, could he be right? Sure I have felt like I loved a few of the girlfriends I have had in the past. Carrie was one of them but every relationship had failed for some reason. Perhaps it was because she was always what I wanted and they just couldn’t be her. I left her the invoices because she shouldn’t be on the floor.

I then headed to the floor to put away stock or do whatever I could to help. I knew when she arrived because she came to find me.

“Seriously? You left all of the invoices for me?”

She sounded irritated but the look on her face said she wasn’t serious.

“I figured they would keep you busy tonight and you can’t be out here overdoing it if you’re stuck at the desk.”

She rolled her eyes. “Pft. You just didn’t want to do them.”

“Truth, I don’t like doing them. You are so much better at them than I am.”

“You did get change right?”

“Yes, extra for the weekend.”

“Okay. So, is there anything I need to know?”

“Nope. Been a quiet day really.”

“Good. You are having a guy’s weekend with Allen right?”

“Yes. He wanted to go to the gun range and gorge on pizza and video games.”

“Victoria is going to come over and help me unpack and rearrange the stuff. I gotta clear that room out now.”

“About time, you just put everything in there but the dishes.”

“And clothes! But, I will tell them to call me if problems occur because I’ll just be lounging and she’ll be there too.”

“You don’t have to.”

“But I am. No arguing.”

“Fine.”

She headed back and I was stupid enough to watch her walk away, knowing it wouldn’t help my poor brain or any associated hormones. Thankfully the pants were already tight and I could just face a shelf for a few moments.

“Hey Zac, can you come here?” Nathan said.

“Sure.”

I followed him to the back.

“What’s up?”

“The cooler for the frozen foods seems to be too warm.”

I checked the cooler myself and it really was too warm, so I did a quick check myself and not finding any issues I called a local repair shop that came out. MJ came to the back when they showed up.

“Zac?”

“Frozen cooler is too warm, precaution basically. Nathan came and got me.”

“They came in and I was confused. Let me know if anything major occurs.”

“I will.”

She headed back to the front and I spent the rest of my shift watching the repair men fix the cooler; a coil had gone out so they replaced it and I had her write them the check and record it. I stayed another hour to make sure the cooler was cooling back down before I headed to the front. Most of the opening cashiers were gone but Miriam was actually at one of the registers so I walked over.

“That busy?”

“Leslie called out and so did Mandy. I went ahead and opened my own.”

“Want me to stay a while?”

“No, you were supposed to leave at four. But you can go get dinner for us.”

“I can do that. Pizza or something different?”

“Subway and the order is on the desk. There are only three of us.”

“Is three enough?”

“Yeah, I can do whatever I need from here or there. I just can’t leave.”

“I’ll go get it right quick. Anything else?”

“Nope.”

I went and found the orders on the desk, written neatly in her writing. So I headed to Subway and got their sandwiches and my own. When I got back though they were busy so I covered on customer service while they each had a break, I made sure that MJ also sat down and ate.

“Hey MJ, can you bring out a round for your drawer when you come back?”

“I can.” She called back.

“I’ve been meaning to ask…why do you call her MJ? You do, Tori does, even your brothers.”

I giggled. “The J is for her middle name, but I can’t tell you that name. She’s not fond of it.”

“Shucks. I was rather hoping she wouldn’t mind…”

“What do you mean?”

“I just wonder if she’d be looking for someone…”

Why that made my blood boil was beyond me but I took a few breaths.

“I don’t know if she is or not.”

“I think she’s waiting on Zac personally.” Jane said.

“Waiting on Zac?” Cole asked.

“I think she’s waiting for him to man up and ask her.” She said.

“She is not.”

“You know you three should be working and not gossiping, right?” Miriam asked.

Jane and Cole suddenly found they had to clean something and she laid the change down.

“You’re good now, you can head home.”

“Sure?”

“I got it. But, thanks for not telling them my middle name.”

I leaned in. “There is nothing wrong with Jasmine.”

“I’d rather just go by my first name. I’m not weird like Taylor and Isaac. But you can head home, I’ve eaten and it should slow down some around eight.”

“Sure?”

“Get out of here before I kick you out.”

I giggled and headed to the door, she was already occupied with a customer and I headed to the truck. She hadn’t heard them I didn’t think, but did she want more? I wasn’t sure. I headed home and found the house quiet, which was odd but Mom and Dad were at friend’s and apparently Mac was too. So only Zoe was here and she was doing school work at the table.

“Trying to get your studies done before Mom screams?”

“You know it. How was MJ?”

“She’s good; she was working when I left.”

“I figured its Friday. Mom said she was stopping by on the way home and getting odds and ends.”

I was certain there was nothing we needed here and she could have sent me a message, but my guess was Mom wanted to see her in person to know she was okay. I hope Natalie hadn’t called Mom and told her what she told Taylor! I got curious about that so I got my phone.

_Hey Tay….Natalie didn’t tell anyone else, right? Just you?_

**_Just me. She said she started to go see Miriam but she wanted me to ask you first, she promised she wouldn’t say anything to anyone until she told us. We’ll act all shocked too._ **

_I was wondering because Zoe said Mom was going by the store, she doesn’t ‘need’ anything, so I was wondering if Nat may have asked Mom. Maybe she’s just worried from before. I’m not sure she believed my reason._

**_Well, honestly, none of us believed it. But, we also figured maybe that’s just what she told you. Mom’s been worried anyway so she probably just wants to drop by and make sure she’s okay._ **

_Probably, she was good when I left._

**_Did you consider what I said earlier?_ **

_Haha Tay._

**_I was serious Zac. I think you should tell her how you really feel. Especially if you wish that child was yours. Think about it. Don’t wait around too long though. Anyways – the kids are finally asleep, so we’re going too. Night._ **

_Night Tay._

I had my sandwich and then got a shower and tried to settle myself down so I could sleep. Allen was coming over kind of early. Allen was already aware of how I felt about MJ; he said it was the death glare I gave him when he hit on her. We were sixteen at the time and I remember giving him that look. He’d never hit on her again and sometimes he asked me why I never bothered to ask. But she and I had never so much as kissed let alone discussed the possibility of her and I.

Would she want to date me? I wasn’t entirely sure she wants to be with anyone right now given her circumstances.

Speaking of…Taylor really did have a point. I could be there in the manner I wanted to be even though the child’s DNA is not mine. The larger question was if she wanted me to be there and to be his or her father. I really did wish the child was mine. But that required I tell her how I feel, and I worried that if I did and she didn’t want that it would be awkward between us.

The thought of losing her as a friend was not a thought I liked or wanted to entertain in any capacity. I could handle if she didn’t want to be with me, but not if it ruined our friendship. I couldn’t handle that at all. I wasn’t sure where Ike and Taylor had gotten that we’d had sex, as much as she noticed and as horrible as she was about making sure I knew she noticed, the concept of sex between us had never happened. Oddly, there were thousands of possible scenarios in my head, but I’d never told her.

It hadn’t taken me long to realize being around her was a big turn on, why I never bothered to approach her on the subject was odd but then again she’d started dating before me by three months. Honestly, I knew that one of the guys she dated had been her first but she never discussed which one it was. Likewise, she’d never asked me who my first was. Maybe it was better we didn’t know?

I finally got tired enough to sleep and I was about to fall asleep when my phone went off.

**_We got slammed tonight…utterly and totally slammed. Added, something on my sandwich has made me sick as hell. I called Tori, she and I will come in tomorrow morning to count the drawers and money. I just pulled the reports and closed the system and then put the drawers in the safe._ **

_You want me to do it MJ?_

**_No. Just wanted you to know in case you came by. No problems. I was just tired and sick._ **

_Seriously MJ. If you don’t feel good in the AM, let me know. I’ll handle it. Allen will understand. How are you feeling now?_

**_I’m at home and got a lighter dinner. I’m going to try to lie down and see if it helps. If I wake up feeling badly, I’ll call you but I really don’t want to mess up your weekend and…Tori could count if needed._ **

_If you wake up feeling bad, call me. She can come there and keep you company and I’ll go in. But you get some rest._

**_Thank you. Sleep well._ **

_You too…_

I wasn’t sure I liked that she’d been sick and they’d been that busy, she should have called in someone. But, knowing she was home and settled helped me drift on off.

 


	5. Valentines Surprise

POV: Miriam

 

February 14, 2011

I did go in because it was truck day and I knew Zac hated invoices. While he took the floor I busied myself in the office until about eleven. I then went to find him; he was in the stock room putting empty boxes in the baler.

“Hey.”

He smiled. “Hey, I have invoices for you.”

“Just leave them on the desk, I uh…called Mama Diana and asked her to meet me for lunch.”

He turned some. “Are you going to tell her?”

I hesitated. “Yeah, I think I will. I’m going to have to eventually.”

He nodded. “Yeah, even I have noted some physical changes and the larger shirt don’t always hide that.”

“Yeah, see that’s creepy Zac that you notice that.”

He laughed. “I’ve only been around you my entire life, not creepy. Are you coming back here?”

“No, I’ll meet her and then spend some time with her then head home.”

“Okay. Enjoy lunch.”

“I will. Again, you can leave the invoices. It’ll give me something to do tomorrow.”

“Gotcha.”

I headed to the front and bid farewell to the assistant manager, Timothy, and Victoria. She seemed puzzled but honestly I just needed to talk to someone. I didn’t have my mother to talk to and while Zac was amazing at listening, I didn’t want to discuss some of the things with him. We met at the local Italian restaurant and our conversation there revolved around general topics.

“I assume whatever you want to talk about should be done somewhere more private?”

“You remind me of Zac when you do that.”

She smiled. “You are my daughter Miriam; of course I’ll know and care. How about we head over to the house, I have a piece of cake with your name on it.”

I smiled and once the bill was paid we headed to her home, or well, it could technically be mine as well. I’d lived there since I was 11. I parked behind her and once we were inside she delivered on her cake promise. She’d made peanut butter cake and it was my favorite one. We sat down in the living room; to enjoy our pieces of cake and glasses of milk. Once the plates and glasses were cleared she turned.

“Talk to me. I know you told Zac and that bullshit he gave me about you having financial problems didn’t fly. Is there something going on? Is someone bothering you?”

“It’s not someone and yeah I requested he not say anything just yet.”

“I’m here for you and you know that. Just because you are 25 doesn’t mean you can’t come to me and ask for help or advice.”

I always knew that, Mama Diana was just like my Mom. Always there, despite having seven children of her own she never once treated me differently from them. I had to abide by the same rules as they did and while I got a year to act out after my parents were killed, after that it was time to behave. Not that I took my year, I was more down than wanting to act out and she was okay with that. After a year though, I was pulled from the bottom of that hill, mostly by Zac.

“I’m pregnant and the baby’s father is Jake. I told him but he replied back that he wants nothing to do with me or the baby. He doesn’t believe that the baby is his and he doesn’t want anything to do with me and he told me not to contact him anymore.”

“Pregnant?”

“I’ll be fourteen weeks Thursday.”

I thought for a moment I’d get the disappointed face, but what I got was the concerned mother face followed by the ‘I already knew’ face.

“I had a feeling that was the reason, but I wasn’t sure.”

“I found out last month, I told Zac after Zoe’s party and he even went with me to the last appointment.”

“He went with you?”

“Yes.”

“He will do anything for you. But, you don’t seem so happy. Honey, Zac’s good but I’m better, so spill it.”

I took a moment.

“I wasn’t lying about the financial thing, but I think if I cut a few bills down then it’ll be fine. I did feel judged by the other women too, those weren’t lies. But, there are things I just don’t feel comfortable telling him. Like, the excessive tenderness of the breasts.”

“Which is normal.”

“The whole breast is normal? I can barely stand a bra, which they’re getting too small.”

“Again, normal. It can be the entire breasts; it could be the left or right side. They will swell and that’s normal. Try some cold compresses if they really are bothering you. I suspect Zac wouldn’t have a clue about that either, good thing you didn’t want to tell him.”

“I figured he’d be useless for that.”

“Anything else?”

“I’m afraid to eat a lot of things and the internet is a massive confusing place.”

She smiled. “Most foods are safe. I would avoid a lot of fish and obviously no alcohol. It’s really not a huge deal but eat right and don’t overdo it on the snack foods.”

“What about stress? The store, preparing, finances.”

“You’re pretty much used to the stresses of the store and between you and Zac, I am sure you can decrease your stress a bit. As for your finances, if you’d like I’ll ask Walker to go over them and see if he can see anything different. But, come on MJ, he taught you very well.”

“I know but I did a general list based on a website and it was like thousands just for like the crib and toys.”

She rolled her eyes. “Lord Child, if you base what you need on some website, you will spend thousands. I don’t mind you know, but I’ll get with Nikki and Natalie and we’ll plan your baby shower. I’d discuss things like swings, car seats, and those with one of them. They have all kinds of fancy stuff now and back when mine were born it was simple.”

“Baby shower?”

“Yes, it’s pretty customary. We get the ladies together, cake and food and presents. You’ll get a lot of what you’ll need then. What you don’t get, we can figure out and get before he or she gets here.”

“What if I have complications? A birth defect or do something wrong? What if it turns out like last time?”

She gently moved some of my hair from my face. She was the only one to know what happened then and the subsequent problems and issues.

“Miriam, honey stop worrying. You’ll be fine. They did a sonogram? Did they say anything about problems?”

“No.”

“Then don’t worry. Unless the doctor says something is wrong, you’ll be fine.”

I sat there a few moments, she really was relieving most of the fears I had.

“What about labor itself? Delivery? I’ve seen some horror stories online. Women pooping on the doctor, throwing up, and those types of things.”

That got a hearty laugh and it lasted for a little while. But, when she finally was able to breathe I was confused.

“What was so funny?”

“The gross stuff. Honestly, the doctors have seen all kinds of things. I won’t lie delivery is not a pretty thing, there is fluid and blood and it’s generally gross. As for the poop and throwing up, it’s possible but again the doctors are use to that. They’ve seen it many times before.”

There was a pause and I waited, she hadn’t addressed the labor itself part of my question.

“Labor can be easy, tough, or super bad. It’s a hit or miss. Isaac was long and tough for me but the others were easier. Natalie said Ezra was easy and so did Nikki with her first. Just depends.”

It grew quiet and I looked at her after a while.

“I’m just scared about Jake. He says he doesn’t want anything to do with me or the baby doesn’t believe the baby is his. What if he changes his mind in 10 years and wants custody or rights to see this baby?”

She paused a moment. “He told you in letters he wanted nothing to do with you or the baby?”

“Yes.”

“Honestly, I think he would have rights even with those. But you can always request a DNA test and have him sign them away. It would ensure you never have to deal with him after he or she is born. He could refuse though, so that’s a risk. Do you want him to be part of the baby’s life?”

“I feel like the baby should know its dad. I am certain he is the father.”

“I thought you were taking birth control?”

“I asked about that when I went the first time. I was sick around Thanksgiving, took an antibiotic but didn’t have back up. I didn’t even know that was possible!”

“It is. Do you honestly think Jake will come looking?”

I paused to think about that for a moment.

“No. He’s been really adamant that he didn’t want anything to do with us.”

“I don’t think he will. But, if he does, then handle it then. Anything else?”

“I think the will I be a good mom, will I do right, will I screw up thoughts are fairly normal.”

“Indeed they are, I had the same thoughts with Isaac. When I learned of Taylor it was the can I be a good mom to two? Same with Zac. After him it was kind of natural. But Walker and I had fears when they approached us about you.”

“Why?”

“We knew you and we loved you anyway, but we feared that we wouldn’t be able to help you through it. That we’d screw up. We feared that we’d mess up. Just like you fear it with the new baby, we had the same fears and you were almost eleven.”

“You did pretty well.”

“I say we did more than pretty good. You turned out to be a responsible young woman with a good head on her shoulders. I couldn’t ask for a better daughter. I’m sure you’ll be just fine with this baby. You’ll do wonderful. You were always so good with the little ones here. Even with Zoe when she was born. You were great with Micah as well when he was little.”

“I miss them.”

“I know you do honey, I miss them too. I guess that’s crossed your mind as well?”

“I wish I knew how they’d react to this. I wish Micah was here to be an uncle like he should be.”

I’d learned that pregnancy hormones made me cry easier, this was no different but she was there to hold me.

“Miriam, your parents loved you and they still do. They may not be here in person, but they’ll always look over you. They’d be proud of the woman you turned out to be. Micah would be proud to have you as his older sister.”

“I kept thinking there was something I could have done, but there wasn’t.”

“Sometimes, things just happen. But, you should always know they love you and they’re watching over you.”

I found her hugs were warm, comfortable, and reassuring. She didn’t let go until she was sure I was calmed back down.

“Do you have a due date?”

“August 16th, but they said I could be early or late.”

“Yeah, Isaac was a little early, Taylor was too. Zac was stubborn.”

I giggled. “He still is.”

“That he is! Do you have any plans tonight?”

“Nope. I had a bottle of wine for tonight but I can’t drink that now. So, I may just fix myself dinner and chill out early.”

“Sounds like a good plan. Walker and I have a date planned and the kiddos are fending for themselves.”

I giggled, Zac hated fending for himself but he’d have to live with it tonight. I stayed with Diana until about four and then headed home myself. I hadn’t heard from Zac so I assumed that the store survived my absence and Victoria hadn’t said anything either because she had a date tonight.

When I pulled onto my street I saw Zac’s truck sitting in my driveway. That was odd because he hadn’t said anything about coming over tonight. I parked beside his truck in the driveway and got out; he wasn’t in the truck so he was inside. The hood wasn’t warm either so he’d been here a while. I walked to the front door and opened it, the smell of steak hit my nose the moment I got it opened.

Zac was standing in the kitchen with a blue apron over his clothes. The table had been cleared and set up for two, the house was clean not that it wasn’t before I left. There were two bottles on the counter.

“Just in time.” He said.

“In time for what?”

“Dinner. I have the salads made already and I was planning to grill these beauties but I have to use a skillet because you never bought a grill.”

“I’d never use it. But...I’m confused.”

He turned and smiled at me. “A few weeks ago I heard them ask you and you said wine and a movie. You shouldn’t be alone today and let’s be real, most of my siblings have dates and I didn’t want to be there bored.”

“So you come here and make me dinner?”

“I risked that whatever you needed to talk to Mom about wasn’t something that would make you super down. I presumed it was related to physical changes and I am sure my mom was more helpful than I’d ever be there. But, yes, I made dinner.”

Zac rarely cooked for anyone besides family and the few times that he’d cooked for me were always after break ups and shit where it ended badly. This was different, but I walked to the counter where a bottle of wine sat.

“You are teasing me? You know I can’t drink that.”

He laughed. “That bottle is mine. No, that bottle of apple cider is yours and I checked it’s safe. It’s been pasteurized and it’s been kept at the right temperature.”

“Trying to impress me?”

“I don’t have to do that.”

I poured us both glasses and he finished cooking, it smelled good and it tasted way better. He’d cooked mine a little more than I would usually choose but this was probably better anyway. The salads were simple but good and he’d baked potatoes which he had all the fixings.

“How long have you been here?”

“I got everything and left the store about two.”

“You did well.”

Once we were both stuffed, I wondered if a food coma was possible…he then dimmed the lights and laid a box in front of me.

“You know you didn’t have too…”

“Please, you get me something every year.”

He had me there, but usually what we gave each other was candy. So, he had this big box of candy but what he’d gotten me wasn’t candy. There were flannel pajamas in the box, a little bigger and I presumed it was for when I got bigger. Then there was a DVD, _The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader._

“How did you…”

“I know you wanted to see it and I went by to get the pajamas and saw it. I couldn’t pass it up and I’m totally prepared to watch it now.”

“You want to watch it?”

“Zoe loaned me the others so I have background knowledge.”

It was so thoughtful and not something he normally did that I was almost on the verge of tears. I actually couldn’t remember the last time a man went out of his way for me in this manner. Zac does it all the damn time but not in this context.

He shook his head. “No tears MJ. You know I suck with those. Now, go get your jammies on and while you do that I’ll get the movie set up.”

“They’re not washed.”

“How little faith, I washed them earlier.”

I had a thing about clothes from stores being washed before they are worn, but I smiled and got up. I left him the movie and then I went and changed. The pajamas were soft and comfortable, even if they were too big. But when I got back to the front of the house I paused. He’d turned the lights off completely, was sitting in matching flannel pajamas in front of the fireplace. He’d turned it on low which provided enough light to see he’d made a pallet of blankets and pillows and was comfortable.

He even had the wine and cider with glasses along with strawberries, whip cream and a chocolate sauce. I was floored.

“Come join my slumber party.”

I moved over and settled down, his make shift pallet was perfect, very soft and comfortable. This really felt like a date or some kind of really romantic plan. But, that couldn’t be it, right? He started the movie and we settled back to watch it. He was drinking rather fast and before long had polished off the entire bottle and was getting another one.

“Sure you want to over indulge on that?”

“I’m staying here tonight and hey, if I can’t go in tomorrow you guys will be fine.”

They would be fine if neither of us showed up really, he sat back down and got cozy. He really was drinking fast but he had been known to get drunk a few times. I nibbled on the strawberries and the toppings and sometimes he did too. When the movie was over he started the special features and patiently waited them through. I saw him get the strawberry but was a little surprised when he called my name and held it up. Dipped in chocolate and then with whip cream.

It was really odd behavior for him but I accepted the strawberry he held out. I’d barely gotten it swallowed when his lips landed against mine. I was shocked. His lips were soft against mine with a taste of wine and chocolate. The flash of heat that spread through my body was different.

When he pulled back he looked as confused as I was, he looked like he wanted to bolt. The end scenes were over and it was just playing the music and the same home menu. I had no words. No clue what to think. He was clearly drunk and perhaps he didn’t even realize what he was doing.

“I should get to bed…”

“I’m already in mine. You’re welcome to stay.”

His voice had a slight slur to it and I smiled.

“You’re very drunk Zachary.”

“Maybe a little.”

“I’m going to put this up and get in bed.”

I swear he looked disappointed but that couldn’t be right. In all the years we’d known each other he’d never hinted that he saw me as anything more than another sibling. It took me a few tries to get up and he tried and then failed, falling back into the pillows. I put the tray up, put the few strawberries up and the toppings and by the time I went back to get the left over cider he was asleep. Clearly he was way drunk.

I turned the fireplace off, the heat was on anyway and then covered him up. I would offer him the other half of my bed but I didn’t think I could get him up and to the bed safely.

“Goodnight Zachary.”

I then went to bed myself but the feelings of his lips lingered and fuck these hormones. I eventually drifted off to sleep.


	6. Buddy Talks

POV: Miriam & Zac

 

February 27, 2011

I got to sleep late which was really good. I’d gotten home a bit late because we had a really big family dinner last night that lasted longer than anticipated. I figured while everyone was present, I’d tell them I was pregnant. I expected more resistance but everyone was really happy and excited. I was pleased with the results of telling them and that just left some friends, namely Tori. She was planning to come over today anyway to hang out.

Once I got woken up good I went ahead and showered and put on the same flannel pajamas Zac had given me. They were comfortable but they did remind me of Valentines and that kiss. He didn’t seem to remember it the next day and I was confused as hell on why it even happened. I’d been around him drunk before, he was usually just obnoxious as hell. He’d never done anything like that.

What was worse was…I kind of wanted to kiss him again and I didn’t understand why. I blame the fact that just seeing him was now causing my body to heat up and that had never once happened! I had no idea how to process that and it wasn’t something I was going to be telling anyone. How would I even explain that for the last ten to fifteen years I’d never once seen him in a sexual manner and now…that was all I thought about.

I made myself breakfast and after eating I cleaned up, I hadn’t bothered for days so I needed to clean. I also put a roast on for tonight with carrots and potatoes. I straightened up and cleaned the dining room and living room as well. Tori showed up about one.

“I overslept.”

“It’s fine, I got up at like eight and sadly I considered that late.”

“Well, since you’re usually up at what 4 or 5?”

“Yeah, something like that. I figured you’d be staying for dinner so I put a roast on.”

“I’ll be staying now...”

I laughed. “Want anything, kitchen’s all yours.”

She went and got herself a bottle of water and looked around.

“You going health food crazy on me? There’s like veggies and shit in your fridge.”

“Trying to eat a little better. Not saying I gave up the crappy foods but I’ve been trying.”

She eyes me a few moments and then closed the fridge and we sat down in the living room. The plan was watching movies and talking.

“I brought that new Narnia movie. I knew you wanted to see it.”

“Actually, Zac bought it for me on Valentines and we watched it. But, I’m all for watching it again. I watched it last weekend too.”

“Zac was here on Valentines?”

“Yeah. Did you not know?”

“No! I mean he bought really nice steak and stuff. When asked he said he had something special planned but he didn’t say for who.”

“He fixed us dinner and we watched the movie.”

She smiled some. “Romantic dinner?”

“I’m not sure honestly. He seemed different but I mean he said I deserved a good Valentines. He got these pajamas too.”

“Is he blind? MJ you don’t wear that size and they are clearly too big.”

“He bought them bigger.”

“Is that why you are on some weird veggie diet or some shit? Did he imply you were fat?”

“No Tori. He didn’t imply that.”

“Then why buy them bigger?”

It wasn’t technically how I wanted to tell her but it was a good time to explain the reasons behind my changes.

“He bought them bigger because I’m pregnant Tori.”

“Pregnant?” She asked.

“Yeah, he got them bigger so they’d still fit in a few months. They’re not tight or constricting.”

“Pregnant?”

I raised an eyebrow. “You heard me the first time.”

“I didn’t think you and Zac were _that_ close! I mean I know he stares at you like he wants more but sex and pregnancy are way beyond staring!”

“What? No! No! No! The baby’s not Zac’s. The baby belong to Jake actually.”

“Jake?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you notify him?”

“I did. I wrote him a letter and he basically told me I was a whore, that I was lying about the paternity, and that he wanted nothing to do with either myself or the baby. I tried twice and he shot me down both times. So…I guess it’ll just be me.”

“Is that why you were sick so much? Why you were acting weird? Does Zac even know? Your family?”

“It is why I was sick, morning sickness which is actually all day and all night sickness. It’s basically kind of over now that I’m past three months but sometimes I get sick. It is why I was acting oddly, I was just worried and afraid. Yes, Zac knows and has known since right after Zoe’s birthday and the family knows now. I told them yesterday. I can’t quite hide the extra weight.”

She sat quietly. “Wow, wait…over three months? When are you due?”

“August 16 th. I’ll be sixteen weeks Tuesday.”

“Were you waiting until you were showing to tell us?!”

“Not really, but that is a reason I told them. I can tell I’m showing just a bit. It really does look like I gained a little weight.”

I even tightened the shirt to prove that I wasn’t lying, I was showing some.

“Damn, I would never expect you to have kids without being more settled with a guy. I thought you were taking birth control? What happened

“Antibiotics. I’m sure the pharmacy told me there would be an issue but I didn’t hear them obviously. It does say if you take an antibiotic to use back up and I didn’t. I didn’t think I needed to. So…I’ll be a single Mom.”

“If you’ll open your eyes to the one that’s obsessed with you then you won’t be single.”

“Tori.”

“I’m serious Miriam. How can you not see it? He will bend over backwards for you, how many of your past boyfriends have done that?”

I had to think about that for a moment, had anyone ever done that?

“I don’t think any have.”

“How many of them know all your favorites and remember them?”

“None.”

“But who does?”

“Zac. But that doesn’t mean he is secretly in love with me.”

“Bullshit!”

I just stared at her. He’d been my best friend since forever and we grew up together. It was just how he was, he was always there and we both did things for each other all the time. Likewise, I knew most of his likes and dislikes as well.

“Okay, let me ask this…How many of your boyfriends has Zac liked? Not like full on bromance, but just liked in general.”

“None. He’s always telling me they were assholes, that I could do better, that I should do better. Most of the time he was right, sometimes I didn’t feel like he was right.”

“Okay, well, I can agree that some of them were assholes. But, how many of his girlfriends have you liked?”

“Are you kidding me?”

“No. Has there been a girlfriend of his that you got along with? That you liked?”

Again, I had to think about that a moment, was there really one that I had liked? She just tilted her head and waited.

“Fine. There hasn’t been one. But, let’s be real, most of them acted like I was a thorn in their sides. Like I was some hindrance.”

“Because they could see how he felt about you. Clearly you can’t see it.”

I just glared at her but that drunken kiss came to mind.

“He um…did kiss me on vValentines. But, he was beyond drunk.”

“He was drunk?”

“Yeah, not sure that it meant anything because of that and he hasn’t said anything about it since then. Not a mention or a casual mention. He’s basically acted like it didn’t happen.”

“Is that why the two of you have been acting odd these past two weeks?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been acting kind of off around him, I guess the kiss explains the reason for you. But he’s been acting off also. Little down actually. Are you sure he doesn’t remember the kiss?”

“Fairly sure. I got up and he was passed out within a few moments.”

“I don’t know MJ. I maintain, you may be delusional and blind but he loves you.”

“He agreed to go to the appointments with me.”

Yeah, that caused the shocked expression.

“He agreed to go? You asked him to?”

“No. I didn’t ask him to. I went to the first one in January and Tori, I felt so uncomfortable and judged because I was there alone. Like, every fucking woman there had a man with her. I mentioned it as being a reason why I was so…odd then. He said he’d go. I didn’t think he was serious, because well it was emotional at the time. But, he came to the office and got me. Drove me there and he even went back with me and mind you he was mortified and the redness in his face was no joke.”

“Why would there be redness?”

“The second appointment I had a sonogram and a pap done. He was red because of the pap deal, which they did first.”

She looked shocked again and her hands went up.

“Hold up, you saying that Zac went back to the room with you while they did a pap? Shouldn’t matter I presumed he’d seen you in the buff before.”

“He hadn’t. He didn’t see me then either, he put his hood over his face and I was covered the rest of the time.”

“But still Miriam, how many male friends would do that? None of mine would that’s for sure. But he not only suffered embarrassment but he went to help you. I’m telling you Miriam, he is in love with you and he’s just afraid to tell you.”

“Why would he be afraid to tell me? He’s known me my entire life almost.”

She chewed her lip for a moment. “If I had to guess, it’s because he values the relationship you currently have. You’re his best friend and he doesn’t want to lose you in that capacity. Being friends and then dating and going back isn’t always easy.”

“I don’t know. Right now it’s hard for me to focus on that because I have to focus on this baby and what I have to do to prepare myself for the arrival of this baby and stuff.”

“It’s understandable. But, maybe you should talk to him.”

“I’ll think about it. But, right now I want movies and lot’s of them!”

She laughed. “What you want is a topic change. But, I’ll indulge you. But question, are you telling employees?”

“I am at the beginning of the month. I’ll have to slightly adjust my schedule as time goes on. So, I don’t want people to think I am slacking. But until I tell them don’t say anything. I even asked the family not to until after the first.”

“Okay. So, you want Narnia first or Fast and the Furious?”

“Fast for sure!”

She loaded the DVD while I got some water and then we got to watching, I checked on the roast from time to time but we finished Fast and the Furious and then Narnia. Following Narnia we had dinner and then we talked a bit about the baby and how scary it was. She left about 8 because she and I both had to be there early tomorrow. I went to bed about nine myself.

**-Zac-**

Allen had insisted I stay the weekend and it had been okay, we’d played a lot of video games and eaten a lot of pizza. It was a nice distraction. I was in his spare room and maybe I should have moved here instead of back home. But, home had given me a chance to breathe. He only wanted me to find random women because that was his thing.

I’d gotten up before him and had leftover pizza and was just watching some random show when he came in and did the same breakfast. He then flopped down on the chair.

“Alright, what’s going on?”

“What do you mean? Nothing is going on.”

“Okay, I’m no Miriam but I can tell there is something rolling in your head that you aren’t really discussing. I’m actually inclined to believe it’s Miriam that is the cause.”

“Why would you think that?”

“Because otherwise you’d have already talked to her and figured out whatever it is. I’m no idiot, I’m chopped liver when it comes to Miriam.”

“You are not.”

“Yes, I am. She’s been there far longer and we all know everyone is chopped liver compared to her, the same for her, you are the filet mignon and everyone else is chopped liver. So, if you aren’t going to her then I’m inclined to believe it’s about her.”

I took a few more swallows of the beer I had.

“I was an idiot.”

“Somehow I don’t doubt that, but what happened?”

“I planned this really nice Valentines thing. Favorite dinner, watched Narnia the weekend before so I could watch the newest one with her. I got drunk off wine. I didn’t realize the wine would be worse than beer.”

“Higher content. But that’s not being an idiot Zac. She’s been around you drunk before.”

I finished the beer I had off.

“Yeah, but I’d never been stupid enough to kiss her before.”

“You…kissed her?”

“I fed her a strawberry and it just kind of happened.”

“So, what happened?”

“I was a little confused but she didn’t seem to react to it at all. She didn’t say anything and then she said she should get to bed.”

“Ouch.”

“Gets worse…I told her I was in mine and she was welcome to stay. She told me I was drunk, then got up and put away the leftover stuff. Total and utter rejection. I didn’t think it would hurt that badly.”

“I’m sorry. I know you love her. You always have. But, maybe what you have is better as friends than anything else. I mean you told me you didn’t want to lose her as a friend that you were afraid of that.”

“But being there is so hard now Allen. She hasn’t mentioned the kiss to me at all, not in a joking manner or in serious or anything.”

He frowned. “I’m sorry Zac. I know you wanted things to be different but really, do you want to lose her?”

“No. I can’t imagine my life without her, I have tried. But, it doesn’t mean being around her now is easy. It’s harder knowing she really doesn’t have any feelings for me. I feel like a dumbass for the kiss and especially drunk.”

“Is it possible she thinks you don’t remember it? I mean, how drunk were you?”

“I wasn’t that drunk. I mean she got up and put things up and I was terrified she’d be mad or upset, so I pretended to be passed out.”

“Well, maybe she does think you were just drunk. It’s possible. Have you asked her?”

“No.”

“I have a dumb question, have you really liked any of her previous relationships?”

“What kind of dumb question is that? I’ve been in love with her since I was fifteen. No, I’ve not liked any of them.”

“Okay, so…do you guys ever talk about sex? Past lovers?”

I shook my head. “No. I know the names of the guys she was serious with, I presume she’s slept with them but I didn’t ask. I was thinking that might be a bit outside a normal conversation for a friend. Likewise, she’s never really asked me about my girlfriends either. Granted, she’s pretty much hated them all.”

“She has?”

“Well, I think to some degree that really is the girls’ fault because they don’t really talk to her and when they do it’s the bitchy he’s mine talk is how Jessica put it once.”

“Because they aren’t stupid Zac, they could tell where your heart belonged and it wasn’t with them. I’m going to assume she’s been a very sore subject in your relationships?”

“That she has. I won’t tell her, but it’s the reason Carrie and I broke up.”

“What do you mean?”

“Carrie was fine with her and how we were at first but over time she started complaining about it. Kept telling me that I saw MJ more than I did her, that I seemed to talk to her more and during the last explosive argument she accused me of sleeping with her. She basically told me to choose between MJ and her and I couldn’t choose her.”

“Did you ever feel like you needed to choose her?”

“No. When she yelled it at me, I pretty much knew who I was going to choose. There was no debate or thinking about it. I couldn’t give up Miriam.”

“I guess that’s why you feel worse about her apparent rejection?”

I nodded. “I don’t regret the decision to choose her. I never will. But, I just wish she felt the same way.”

“Hey, I’m not going to be all huggy but I’ll drink with you and we can play endless games. You will have to come to terms with it though. You work with her and you can’t live without her.”

“I know. But, drinks and games sound good.”

Allen was right; I would have to deal with it because there was no other option. I worked with MJ every day of the week and honestly, I couldn’t live without her. So he and I played and drank and, sometime after we gorged on pizza, we both passed out for the night. I had to face work and Miriam and the painful truth that she really didn’t feel the same way toward me.


	7. Hints of More

POV: Zac/Miriam

 

March 13, 2011

The last few weeks had been tense between Miriam and me. I was certain she was aware that I was avoiding her and she even asked me if I was still going with her to the appointment this month. Of course I was going!

Taylor’s birthday is tomorrow but we had his party last night at one of his friend’s house, because the guy had like 18 rooms or something. The party had gone extremely well with lots of food, cake, and alcohol for everyone. Well, except Miriam, she stuck to bottled water because there was no telling what drinks were spiked and which ones weren’t. The times I saw her she seemed to be enjoying the party.

My stupid ass self had made an idiot of myself again, I had been drinking a lot and as she passed me headed to the bathroom, I just couldn’t resist kissing her again. What I hoped to get out of her I didn’t know, all I got was a confused expression. So I just moved away and drowned the pain in even more alcohol, I had no idea how I got to the bedroom.

I was woken up by someone moving my hand, and for a moment, sheer panic took over because who had I ended up in bed with? But that was before the light of her phone lit up, it was just Miriam. I closed my eyes, fuck she’s been laying right against me and I was pretty certain the very hard erection had been pressed against her ass moments before.

Was it the first time she’d felt me? Hell no. However, I really didn’t need her teasing now because I was already trying to pull away so I could get used to not having her around as much. She was gone about five minutes before she crawled back into the bed and I resisted pushing her away when she got closer but her hands felt like ice cubes against me. I guess I was still slightly drunk because I just wanted her closer. So I moved my arm back over her waist and pulled her closer.

“I should complain about the really cold hands against me.”

“I tried not to wake you up.”

She sounded sincere and I was sure she was.

“When your cold ass hands landed against my abdomen I woke up, you are freezing.”

She didn’t have to know exactly when I woke up!

“I think they turned the heat off or something.”

I bunched the covers up behind her a bit, but I could feel that erection against her thigh, thank god I had boxers on. Yet, I expected her to say something about that and she didn’t. Did that mean she really didn’t have any feelings at all toward me? I could feel that she was warming back up, but she was making no effort to move away. I was tense because I was scared I’d do something else to fuck this up.

“What’s wrong? You’ve been avoiding me since Valentines. You haven’t been over on weekends, you haven’t called as much, are you mad at me for something?”

Her voice was low and filled with concern, but I wasn’t mad at her!

“I’m not mad at you.”

“I’ve clearly done something Zachary.”

Shit! I wasn’t sure how to tell her what the problem was without telling her how much I wanted her; I didn’t want to be rejected again.

“It’s not you Miriam, I promise.”

My voice had a huge tremor, fuck! She would know that wasn’t the truth.

“Zachary…”

“It’s not.It’s just me. All me.”

I felt her move and then her hand was on my side, that warm touch and soft feeling. I felt myself tense, trying not to do more than what I was already because she just wasn’t interested.

“You know you can talk to me.” She said.

I knew I could but not when she was the topic of the problem. I couldn’t even do a hypothetical situation because she would know I was referring to us. It was killing me to know she didn’t feel the same way. But I had been the stupid one to make a move! I felt her leg move slightly, brushed against my thigh and I wanted to move my hands so badly.

“I swear you were dressed when we laid you down.”

That explained how I made it here…

“I woke up briefly after I was here, burning up. You weren’t here when I stripped down. I didn’t know you were here until you moved my hand.”

“And then I woke you up with my freezing cold self.”

“Least you tried not to.”

The sun must be coming up because the room wasn’t quite as dark, I could make out some features of her face and how she was looking at me, appraising me. I just wanted….

The moment her lips touched mine my entire body froze, her lips felt so soft against mine and so supple. The longer she kept the contact the more relaxed I became. It was sweeter, not desperate and she didn’t pull back as quickly as I thought she would. Yet when she did her eyes didn’t seem confused or unsure.

“You look like you want to run away.”

“Maybe…”

It was surely about to blow up in my face, I was sure. Sure she had initiated that kiss, but that didn’t mean anything. She slightly giggled and I raised an eyebrow.

“You can’t run away, you’re rather trapped.”

“I could get up if I wanted too.”

Okay, so that was before she moved her leg over my hip which put her insanely close to me and meant I couldn’t get up without forcing her to move away. Not that I’d move, I was honestly terrified. I could feel so much of her body against me and why the fuck won’t that erection go away?! She had to know how turned on I was! I could feel the heat in my face from the blush but I was finding keeping my hand on her back was becoming increasingly harder; I wanted to move them it to so many places I’d never touched before.

I felt her hand move and saw it as she gently moved hair from my face, the little electrical pulses as her fingers barely grazed my face sent chills down my spine.

“You want to tell me what’s wrong now?”

“Nothing is wrong.”

I hoped I sounded somewhat confident. I doubted I did, but maybe!

“Wrong answer, Zachary. I’m pretty sure the problem or whatever you don’t want to talk about involves me, so talk to me.”

“Talking is not what I want to be doing.”

Foot in mouth. Fuck! Had I just said that out loud? Given the surprised look on her face and the shocked expression I was sure I had said that out loud. Maybe, just maybe she didn’t hear all of it or understand the true meaning. She leaned in some; her lips were so close but not touching me.

“Then what do you want to be doing Zachary?”

I melted. That was a tone of voice I’d never heard her use and it was so low and I swear I got harder. That tone was…sexual. It was so intoxicating I didn’t even know her hand had moved until I felt her nails against my sides, much lower than they’d ever been. A moment later her lips were against mine. My brain must have forgotten everything before; my hand moved to her thigh before I even could comprehend it was moving.

Sure, I’d touched her before but never in this manner, never in these places. I actually pulled her leg up higher a bit before moving my hand down the back of her thigh. I moved from her lips across her jaw line and down to her neck. My fingertips were barely grazing the hem of her panties when the door was flung open hard enough to hit the wall loudly. My hand stopped and I could feel that both of us kind of tensed up.

“Wakey wak…Zachary Walker Hanson!” Allen exclaimed.

I glanced up over the edge of the blanket that was covering us both. Of all the fucking times he could have interrupted, he chooses NOW?

“What do you want Allen?”

“Are you fucking kidding me right now? I know you got drunk but finding some random girl to bring here is not how you get Miriam. You can’t tell me how much you care about her and want to be there and be with her and then do stupid shit like this.”

If my face wasn’t red already, it really was now. I was completely speechless because I knew that the person right here was Miriam. My speechlessness caused him to come over and yank the covers back. Thank god they stopped at her waist. She had been hidden by my hair and the blankets, but when he moved the covers she moved to be seen.

“Miriam?” He asked.

“I’m not some random girl; he’s not that desperate Allen.”

“I…I didn’t… I’m just gonna leave. But, the host of the party is sending people around to wake up others. Cleaning service is due in an hour.”

With that he vanished out of the room and god damn my luck!

“I uh…guess we should get dressed if they’re going to clean.”

I laid my head on her shoulder. “Not what I wanna do.”

I felt her hips push against me. “You realize I have a big comfy bed at home right? All alone. No one to interrupt.”

I was positive the look I gave her was very confused. Had she just basically invited me to her house to continue? What did that mean? But she seemed very serious about that offer. I was about to agree to that plan but both of our phones began to ring at the same time. Both the same tone and we both groaned at the same time.

“I’ll answer.” I said.

I had to reach over her to get to my phone, but I was careful not to put too much weight against her.

“Hello?”

“I know it’s really early but we can’t get into the building.”

“Timothy is opening this morning.”

“Zac it’s after eight and he’s not here. I’ve tried to call him several times but he hasn’t answered. Sandra doesn’t have a key and she can’t reach Miriam. I didn’t know who else to try besides the two of you. Sandra even tried Victoria.”

“He’s not there?”

“No.”

I internally did a string of cuss words that was so long it took me several minutes to tell her I’d be there as soon as I could.

“Problem?” She asked.

“Timothy isn’t there, they’ve tried everyone else. Sandra was calling you.”

“That’s odd for him. I’ll come with you.”

It wasn’t where I wanted to go, but as we got dressed maybe it was better? Honestly, I should tell her how I feel first. I wouldn’t want her to feel like it was simply because she was there and I was still mildly drunk.

When I got downstairs I realized I rode here with Isaac and he was already gone, so I ended up riding with her. We did stop to get biscuits on the way to the store because we were hungry and we assumed they would be too. Timothy still hadn’t gotten there and since we had customers already here she went right to the office to get the cashiers a till while I went to the back to the get the lights turned on. I was standing here in the hallway trying to compose myself when my phone went off.

**_I’m SOOOO sorry! If I had known she was there I wouldn’t have said what I did….did I fuck things up for you?_ **

_She actually didn’t mention it, but we had to come to the store anyway. Maybe…it was better because maybe we need to talk first._

**_Uh, you hadn’t TOLD her you liked her and wanted more?_ **

_No…I’m not even sure what the hell happened this morning and as confused as I am, I am pretty sure she is too. So, distraction 101 –work._

**_I’m sorry about saying it; I know she had to hear me. Maybe she is confused as well and you do need to talk. She may not be seeing it as more than sex, considering her hormones are probably off the chain right now._ **

_Maybe…gotta go – no problem Allen. Maybe you did us a favor._

Maybe he did because I hadn’t considered that her reaction maybe solely based off hormones, which I was sure were insane because Taylor and Isaac both had bragged about the increase in sex they got when their wives were pregnant. I walked back to the front and Sandra was standing at the customer service desk.

“I wouldn’t go in there…”

“Why?” I asked.

“She’s pissed. Jessie closed last night and nothing was done. He didn’t even count the money or anything. He just put it all in bags and tossed it in the safe. She is livid.”

And the hits keep coming, I grabbed my biscuit and inhaled it before stepping to the door but I could hear her outside the door yelling at someone, presumably Jessie. I paused here until she had been quiet for a little bit. I then pushed the door opened.

“Is it safe yet?”

“Maybe.”

“I guess you called Jessie?”

“Oh hell yeah. He knows better.”

“Did he provide a reason that was believable and worth it?”

“Kind of. Can you review last night’s tapes?”

“I can, what am I looking for?”

“If what he told me was true, you’ll know.”

That was vague but I took a seat at the table where we kept the computer screen and equipment and I brought up last night’s feed.

“All afternoon?”

“From about four on.”

She was sorting through the money and I noticed she’d at least eaten her breakfast. I sat back and viewed the tapes from last night and I was pretty sure I knew the reason he did what he did.

“By chance did he tell you there was a person that kept coming in and out?”

“He did. White male?”

“Yeah, he’s here three or four times in just an hour; got a drink, pack of cigs, and then a candy bar.”

“Jessie said he noticed the second time because he was doing nothing but the guy wanted him to ring him up, despite two cashiers being available. He went to a different register each time and the last time he didn’t get anything.”

“Yeah, he’s watching them.”

“Jessie felt the same way. He said when they closed he wanted the money in the safe as quick as possible and he called Timothy but got no answer, he left a message to him explaining why he did it and that if he wanted he would come in this morning and do the proper paperwork. He did close the register down so we could reopen.”

“I’ll report it to the police; have them come by a few times. Meantime, let’s ban key holders from taking deposits out of the store at nighttime. Did Jessie say he was outside?”

“He did. He said he thought he saw him but he wasn’t sure it was him.”

“Okay, while you do that…”

I was about to finish when Timothy came in and before either of us said anything he held his hand up.

“I know, I’m extremely late and I am extremely sorry. I called Victoria but apparently she didn’t get my message either. My son was in a wreck early this morning, he’s stable now but it was very touchy there for a long time. They have him stabilized but when I got my messages I came here.”

“You could have called us.” She said.

“I wasn’t sure if anyone got in touch with either of you. I knew you were both at Taylor’s party last night.”

“They reached us a little after eight. Is your son okay?”

“They weren’t sure what the problem was at first, they knew his leg was broken in two places, but they suspected bleeding on the brain. They’ve since cleared that and said it was just a concussion but they will keep checking.”

“Just go be with your son. We’re here and we got this. Take the week off and make sure he’s okay.” She said.

“I concur. Take the week and make sure he’s okay.”

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“Yes. Keep us updated as well.” Miriam said.

“Will do, thank you for understanding.”

“He’s your son; you should be there and not here.” I said.

He thanked us another forty times before he left and we didn’t really need to adjust the schedule because we were both here the next five days, but one or both of us would have to cover Saturday morning. Odds are, we’d both come in. She was concentrating on the money and I was watching her.

“You know if you keep staring at me you’re going to have issues.”

I raised my eyebrow. “Who says I am staring at you?”

She giggled. “The little mirror right here in front of me. Each time I glance up, you’re still watching.”

“I don’t have issues.”

She barely turned toward me and I could see the mischievous grin.

“You could go be productive versus staring at me. You know you get issues around me a lot.”

I rolled my eyes and got up. “If you wanted me to leave a simple ‘get out of here Zac’ would work.”

“Naa.”

I moved to the door and then headed into the store. I guess I could go ahead and prepare the back room for the truck tomorrow.

**-Miriam-**

I really didn’t want to kick him out, but I couldn’t concentrate on counting the money because each time I looked up I wanted to abandon the desk full of cash and attack him. Sending him out to the store to do whatever was safer.

There was a part of me that wanted to ring Allen’s neck for opening that damn door. But, now that I was here and not quite as hormonally driven maybe he did the right thing. I valued my relationship with Zac the way it was, I didn’t want to mess that up. I wasn’t sure if crossing the boundary into sex would do that.

Yet, I wasn’t deaf. I’d heard every word Allen said to him. He wanted to be with me? He liked me? That was crossing more than just a boundary with sex and given how adamant Tori was about his feelings, I was kind of glad he interrupted because if his feelings were that strong then not being on the same page would definitely harm our present relationship.

Now that he wasn’t in the room I got the money counted and deposits prepared but I put them back in the safe. I piddled around the office mostly, putting away files and double checking things. It wasn’t like we were chronically behind or anything, I kept things up to date. I was just cleaning up a bit when Tori came into the office.

“Dropped by to see if I could help. I got Timothy’s messages when I woke up.”

“How much did you drink last night?”

“Not as much as Zac.”

I looked up at her leaned against the doorframe.

“You’ve been talking to Allen.”

“I think he may have tripped over himself to tell me. I didn’t get that message until I woke up.”

“Depends on what he said.”

“Well…I mean…he was naked and you two were in a bed. The way Allen described it he interrupted.”

I sat back. “Oh he did interrupt, but we hadn’t near reached the level of nakedness.”

“But Zac wasn’t wearing a shirt.”

“He sleeps without a shirt Tori. He had bottoms on trust me. I was still dressed as well.”

“But if he hadn’t interrupted?”

I shrugged. “But maybe that’s better.”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding? Better? No. You two should just get it over with.”

“Tori, I shouldn’t have sex with him just because my own hormones are out of control. That would be wrong and it wouldn’t help anything.”

“Are you still being delusional?”

“No. Allen told him the same basic thing you’ve been telling me. But, I don’t know how I feel about this yet and it would be wrong Tori. I can’t lose him as a friend and I won’t compromise that just because my hormones are raging.”

“Are you telling me at no point since you turned 13, did you want to have sex with him?”

“Didn’t say that. But, when I tried then he turned me down.”

“Wait…you tried when you were 13?”

“No. We were older but he didn’t seem interested in me Tori. I just can’t rush and right now I need his support and for him to just be there.”

“Delusional.”

“Keep calling me that and I’ll be delusional when I do the next schedule. I don’t need you here when I am, Tim, and Zac.”

“I hit a sore spot. Fine, be delusional if you want. But, eventually you’ll have to believe us.”

I glared at her and she put both hands up and backed out of the office. I finished cleaning up and then found Zac, he was in the stock room moving pallets and boxes around, it was so organized and neat it was hard to believe his room was always a disaster zone. He had his ear buds in and I could hear him singing one of Taylor’s songs. I leaned against the door and just watched, I’d pay dearly later with the hormones but I had tried before and he wasn’t interested. I knew things changed but he’d not really ever given me an indication that it had.

Or had his dislike for every boyfriend I ever had been my indication? Isaac and Taylor rarely even cared unless they did something especially bad, lord help them then. Zac? All he needed was a cross word toward me to jump them. Not that I hadn’t gone off on a few of his girlfriends.

But was that jealous behavior or was it more brotherly and sisterly affection? He had grilled Joe too when he started dating Jessica, grilled anyone she’d dated actually. But, in her regard, Taylor and Isaac had been keener on complaining too.

Either way, it would be very wrong if he truly did have feelings to lead him down a path where on my end it’s just hormone driven…at least I think that was it.

He finally saw me standing here.

“Ready?”

“Yeah, by the time I get you home and get home it’s going to be time to go to bed.”

I could see the distinct disappointment on his face; he expected to go home with me because hell I’d suggested that this morning!

“At least the morning crew doesn’t have to rearrange.”

“Looks clean and organized, odd for you.”

“I resent that; I can be organized and clean.”

“You’re room is a hazardous area that only you can survive.”

“That’s my room, not here.”

“Anyway, I’m done up front and I’ll take the deposits tomorrow sometime. I may mix it up in case he’s watching.”

“Might be a good idea. I sent the police department the information. They’re going to make a few extra rounds.”

“Good.”

He finished up and we headed out, it really was super awkward now though. I could feel the tension between us and that was never good. I got roped into staying for dinner with Diana and the family, so it really was basically bedtime when I got home.


	8. Do you want a...

POV: Zac

March 24, 2011

I really didn’t want to get up and do anything today, I just wanted to lie in bed and do nothing. But, I had to get up; I had to get to the store on time or at best show up. I just knew Miriam would be there. I wasn’t sure who I was more irritated at, myself or her. 

I didn’t have to put my arm over her cold body or even acknowledge that I was even awake. I could have pretended that it was someone else and let it be, but I hadn’t. Now I had the distinct memories of her lips, the way she’d breathed as I was kissing her neck, the way her upper thigh felt against my hand. Maybe it was better Allen interrupted, but now every fucking time I saw her, I wanted to do a whole lot more.

Yet, at the same time I was irritated that she seemed to be all for it, even suggested we go back to her house before the store called us. Yet, she’d taken me home like nothing else mattered. Was it really because hormonally she was just fucked up right now? Did she really have no kinds of feelings at all for me beyond friend and brother-like?

In any event, it made seeing her daily a hard thing to do.

I eventually dragged myself out of bed, showered and got ready. I headed downstairs when I was dressed and went to find cereal. Mom was sitting at the kitchen table grading math papers from Zoe and Mac. I remembered those and hated her red pen! 

“Morning.” I said.

“Morning.” She replied.

I fixed my bowl of cereal and sat down at the table, noting that Mac had quite a few red marks.

“Is he doing that bad in math?” 

She shook her head. “He took this while watching TV. I suspect he wasn’t paying attention. I’ll give him another one tomorrow and no TV this time. If he does as badly, we’ll evaluate.” 

“Makes sense, you didn’t allow us to have a TV anywhere near school hours.” 

“Yeah, I’m regretting the leniency there with him. Any big plans today?” 

“The normal but Miriam has an appointment today.” 

One that I really wanted to not go to. Why should I? She should be over the fact that she had to go and really she was doing well in other aspects but there was some small part of me that felt I needed to because I wanted to experience this with someone. It didn’t seem like I was ever going to have children of my own, so…

“Is there something wrong honey? You didn’t sound as excited as you have been about them. This should be her anatomy scan right?” 

“It is.” 

She paused at the next question and looked up. “But you didn’t answer my question to you.” 

“Nothing is really wrong.” 

“There is something telling me that was a bold face lie. Just because Mac and Zoe keep me busy with school, events, and general stuff doesn’t mean I don’t pay attention to you and the others. You haven’t been going to her house, you haven’t had many conversations with her, and you seem to be pulling away. Did you two have a fight?” 

“We didn’t have a fight Mom.”

How could I possibly explain to my mother what had happened? I could see that sentence as hey mom we nearly had sex and I think it fucked up everything. No, no way I was discussing this with my mother. Not even my father!

She sat there a moment, appraising me and I could feel it.

“I know something happened, she’s been weird too and it’s not because she’s pregnant. Did something happen between the two of you?”

“There have been times where we haven’t been obsessed with one another.” 

I was about to finish my cereal when she just laughed, what was so funny?

“Zachary, you two have been obsessed with one another since you met. She’s the only person you would share toys with, the only person you’d allow to steal anything from your plate, and you’d share cups with her. Not that she wasn’t the same way towards you. Sure, there were times where you got mad at her or she at you, but that never lasted more than a week. This has been more than a week, more than a few actually. It seemed to get worse after Taylor’s party.” 

Sometimes I hated how close we were because if we weren’t, I wouldn’t feel this way now.

“I’d rather not talk about it.” 

“By chance would it have anything to do with sex?”

“MOM!”

“Do you think I don’t know how you feel about her? Please, you’ve hated every boy that has so much as looked at her the wrong way. You may not have been aware of it but I was. You’ve hated every guy she dated. It’s rather obvious.” 

I looked up at her. “To everyone but Miriam. She doesn’t feel the same way Mom.”

“Are you sure? Have you asked?” 

“I don’t need to. I’ve come on to her more than once and she doesn’t respond. When she does, it’s all hormones.” 

“Well, her hormones are a little out of it right now. But, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel the same way. Zachary, you have to think of it from her perspective too. She’s expecting a baby, something that will forever change her life. She won’t have the freedom you will after he or she is born. She may feel if you are with her that she’ll take something away that you can’t get back. That freedom.”

“I’ve already told her I’d be there. I wish he or she was mine but I can’t change that. I wouldn’t care if I lost freedom.” 

“But she evidently doesn’t know that. It is possible that she doesn’t share your feelings but you can’t keep ignoring that she’s there Zachary. I know you aren’t meaning to do it.” 

“It’s not just me; she does me the same way. Avoids me at work most the time, doesn’t text back when I do send a message.”

She frowned. “I think you two should talk about this, before it really does do permanent damage.”

I nodded. “Noted, but I’ve got to go.” 

I finished the last few swallows of milk and then headed to the store. I didn’t see how talking about the obvious would benefit either of us. She’s basically responded because of hormones and then shut me down. I got to the store at 9:15 and walked in, stock crew was mostly off so today was just tedious stuff. There was a stack of damages with my name on it, but I paused at the customer service desk because none of the cashier’s seemed to be around.

“Hello?” I asked.

Debbie came from around the corner and despite her cheerful morning to me, I could tell something was wrong.

“Debbie?” 

“It’s nothing…” 

“Spill it.” 

“Victoria and Miriam are in the bathroom, I just came from there.”

“Um, okay…what’s the problem?” 

“Someone didn’t stack the boxes up good yesterday, Miriam went to see if we had a box of grape wine for a customer and the boxes fell.”

“They fell…on her?”

“One of them hit her side but it was the glass. She wore shorts today and it cut her leg.” 

It really didn’t matter that she didn’t want to talk to me, that I didn’t really want to be around her because it hurt so much. The fact she was hurt was enough to cause me to run across the damn store. I passed the boxes Debbie spoke of and it looked like a lot of blood, but that could be red wine. 

I prayed neither were using the bathroom when I pulled it open. Only Miriam was in here and she was sitting on the lid, her head against the wall, eyes closed. There was a band around her right leg, and while I knew the bandages were white these were pretty red. She looked as if she’d passed out so I went to her.

“Miriam?”

“Yeah?”

She hadn’t opened her eyes or moved her head at all.

“Are you okay? Where did Tori go? What happen?” 

“I came to find the grape flavored wine we carry, I thought I ordered it. Steven did wine yesterday and I guess when he brought the extras back he stacked it oddly or something. I barely moved by it and the bottom box just collapsed, the one on top that was open is the one that got me.” 

“Let me see.” 

“Don’t. I already feel really sick.” 

“You should be lying down.” 

“Where? The floor?”

“A stretcher.” 

“No need.” She said.

Tori came back in and paused at the door. “Morning.” 

I looked at her. “Morning.”

“Alright Miriam, you gotta quit being stubborn. Someone has to make sure there’s no glass.” 

“You haven’t cleaned it?” I asked.

“She won’t let me. She wrapped that around it and that was it. She won’t let me touch her.” 

“Miriam.” 

“I’m fine.” 

“Bullshit.” I said.

She didn’t say anything but I could tell she was hurting. My guess was there was glass or something that was bothering her, Miriam wasn’t grand with pain. Tori laid the first aid kit on the table and looked at me. I nodded knowing her question was if I could make her somehow. I got up and walked with her for a moment, I needed a crate.

“She’ll think we gave up…” 

“She knows I won’t. Do you feel like paramedics are needed?” 

“It’s cut pretty bad but if there is no glass, then no.”

I picked up the crate and headed back, she hadn’t moved but I sat the crate down at her feet, got the first aid kit and sat down.

“You gonna continue to be stubborn?” 

“Yep. It’s fine.” 

“Stop being so stubborn, you know you have an appointment today and you can’t sit here all day.” 

She shook her head, but otherwise didn’t move. I sat there, knowing she could very well hurt me if I didn’t listen but a small trail of blood was starting to run down her leg. I knew she was stubborn but this was ridiculous. When I went to reach down she growled.

“If you touch me, I’m going to hurt you.” 

Was too late for that, but damn did that growl feel like a turn on. But even with the threat I laid my hand behind her ankle and while she threatened she really made no effort to stop me. But I did hear the whine. 

I unwrapped the bandages carefully and Tori was right. It was a pretty big cut, not super deep but it was bleeding a lot. I cleaned around it the best I could before using the sterile solution to wash over it, which caused more whines. But I could see the piece of glass and it wasn’t hard to remove and then clean and bandage. The feel of her skin was smooth as I just rubbed her ankle.

“I should hurt you for that.” 

“But you knew that threat was empty and so did I.” 

Her head was still against the wall and her eyes still closed.

“You are going today, right?” 

“Yes.”

Even thought it would hurt like hell. I gently placed her foot on the floor and put up the items not used and threw away the bandages. 

“Come on, I’ll help you to the office and you can chill there for a bit.” 

“I’m not sure I want to put any weight on it.” 

“Want to ride up? I’ve got that little push cart we use for the milk.”

“Zac…really?” 

“Serious here. It’ll be less walking.” 

“Yeah.” 

I got the cart and put a large box over the top, it was kind of dirty. I parked it by the door and went back in. She was finally sitting up and I helped her get up. At around 20 weeks she really was showing. She’d told the crew last week when Timothy came back. She sat down easily and turned.

“Don’t go flying through the store.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” 

I did have to go the long way around and Tori and Debbie both looked amused when they saw me pushing her. I helped her up to the office and rechecked the bandages, making sure they weren’t bad and they were still clean on the outside. 

“Okay, no leaving the office.” 

“No plans to. Thanks.” 

“Anytime. I’m going to go clean up the mess.”

“Sorry.” 

“It’s fine.” 

I went to the back and first cleaned up the mess of broken glass and wine. I was almost done when Tori came in.

“Thank you, she wouldn’t let me near her.” 

“Well, I got threatened but she didn’t hold to it.” 

“So…are you two good?” 

I dumped the dustpan full of glass into the trash can.

“Highly doubtful, but its fine.” 

“Zac.” 

I looked at her. “I can’t make her want to be with me Tori. I’ve done everything I can and she’s not interested.” 

“Taylor’s party…” 

“Hormones. Plain and simple. Once we got here she no longer wanted to.” 

“Because she is fucking delusional.” 

“Or she’s not interested.” 

“But you’re still going with her?” 

“I promised I would and I will keep going until she tells me no.” 

She didn’t seem happy but she couldn’t force her to like me either, so she went back to the front. Once the stock room was cleaned up I restacked the wine to be more stable. I also made a note in my phone to address that tomorrow morning when everyone was here. I then worked on the damages until it was time to go up front, she was still in the office.

“Leg feel okay?” 

“Yeah, but I will ask them to check it while I’m there.” 

“Good idea. You ready?” 

“Is it time to go already?” 

“Yep.” 

“Yeah, let me save this.” 

She saved whatever she was working on and then cleared the desk. I elected to drive because she didn't seem to be walking real well. The drive was still quiet and awkward and even waiting in the room was weird. She still looked at me when she was called back, so I got up and went back. The last few hadn’t required her to undress thankfully, this was no different. The doctor asked routine questions about how she felt, any problems, and then inquired about the bandage. Which he did check and even found another small piece of glass, his light was much brighter than my phones light though. He then put a clean bandage on it. Once that was done we waited again for the sonogram technician. 

For this they did undo the shorts she was wearing and I briefly saw a flash of skin, wait, skin?! Fuck my life. The nurse tucked a blue cloth under her shorts and shirt, lying this way I could definitely tell she was showing a lot. It wasn’t hard to see ‘the bump’ as everyone seemed to call it. 

“Do you want to know the sex of your baby today?” 

“Please, if you can tell.” 

“We’ll try after I get the measurements.”

This sonogram wasn’t hard to read or tell, you could see the hands and the little feet. The heartbeat still sounded very strong and stable. He or she didn’t want us to see their face though, keeping their hands up in front of their face. We did get a brief glimpse of a cute little nose before a hand was suddenly in the way.

“Very active, have you felt any movement yourself?” 

“Sometimes I have, usually when I’m lying down. He or she seems to sleep during the morning.” 

“Some babies are like that.” 

“You’re measuring about right on schedule, looks like the due date hasn’t changed at all. Since this little one doesn’t want to show me his or her face, let’s see if they are shy also.” 

Her first few passes proved futile, legs crossed or in the way. I was beginning to wonder if spontaneous conception could occur because he or she sure was as stubborn as me. 

“Must act like you?” She said.

It took me forever to realize she was indeed talking to me. “I must be rubbing off.” 

“Let me try something.” 

She moved the wand, jiggled, wiggled and moved it around before she finally stopped it.

“I can’t be certain, but looks like you may have a little boy. I’m about 80% certain, even though he’s being really stubborn like his daddy.” 

“Yeah.” I said.

I really wish Miriam would look at me, acknowledge that I’m here or so I could read her face. She wasn’t correcting this woman at all, but then again, how do explain your best friend being here? 

“Do you have any names picked out?” 

“Micah…” 

I blinked, she had a name already?!

“It’s a pretty name.” 

“It was my little brother’s, I’ll name him after him.” 

“I bet he’ll be a proud uncle.” 

“Yeah, he passed away when he was three. I can’t find a more fitting name. Micah Aaron.”

“Sounds like a plan, does Dad agree?” 

Again, she looked at me and I just smiled and nodded. Miriam made no effort to change her stance so why should I? Once she got the final measurements she got a towel for Miriam who wiped away the jelly and fixed her clothes.

“I don’t see any problems. Strong heart beat, looks like he’s right where he needs to be.” 

“Thank you.” 

“He would like blood work so stop by the lab on your way to the front.” 

She nodded and I simply followed. They drew blood, she set up the next appointment and then we headed to the truck and it was quiet for a bit until we were almost to the store.

“Thank you for not correcting her assumptions.”

“You’re welcome, but I’m confused on why you didn’t. You have everyone else.” 

“Natalie warned me about her, she’s apparently a very religious woman and likes to preach. I didn’t want to hear a lecture about how I should marry the father and be a family; I wouldn’t marry him even if he asked.” 

I snorted. “I wouldn’t let you marry that asshole.”

“I know, just…thanks for not saying anything.” 

“Did you have a name for a girl too? You tossed out Micah Aaron real quick.” 

“Stephanie Jasmine.” 

“You hate Jasmine.” 

“I do, but it was my dad’s favorite name. Stephanie was Mom’s.” 

“Yet, she named you Miriam.” 

“She let Dad choose the name. Jasmine Miriam didn’t sound right to her.” 

“JM wouldn’t be as cool as MJ either.” 

When we got back to the store it was back to routine. She went back to the office and back to being distant. I didn’t know what else I could do. Eventually I would have to stop pretending there was hope and move on. 

  


	9. If Only

POV: Miriam / Zac

April 16, 2011

Distance makes the heart grow fonder. I have no idea where I heard that or read it. But, I knew one thing, the writer was a genius. I knew things would be a little awkward when I decided to just take him home. I didn’t know he’d pull completely away from me. Pulling away gave me time to analyze his behavior and perhaps Tori was right, maybe I was delusional.

A month. That’s what it took for me to realize that I simply can’t live without him, that every relationship failed because they simply couldn’t be Zachary. No matter what, they simply couldn’t replace him. Yet, I wasn’t sure how to fix it. I’d invited him over many times and unless Allen or Tori were here too, he’d decline and make up some excuse.

But, I missed him. I missed the banter, missed his smile. Even at work he was distant and I could tell now, his down mood was me. So, it took mass coordination and speaking to both Allen and Tori to get them on board with the plan. I’d sent the invite to the three of them for pizza and video games and beer if they wanted it. Tori and Allen replied with a ‘be there’ message, but I already knew they wouldn’t be. As for the beer, I didn’t even buy any. I didn’t want him drunk at all.

I planned a nicer dinner than pizza too. Zac arrived at 4:30, dressed casually.

“I beat Tori? Shocking.”

“It has happened before.”

“Doesn’t smell like you ordered pizza though.”

“Changed my mind. Sorry, forgot the beer too.”

He looked disappointed and I had a reason to forget it, he usually drank even when they were here. He settled with soda and fixed the glass and I continued to cook. But when five passed and they hadn’t arrived I saw him texting, he wouldn’t get a reply. I put the two steaks in the pan at ten after and a few minutes later he looked at me.

“They’re not coming are they?”

“Every invite I sent, you made up some excuse. Let’s face it, Allen talks to me too and you can’t be fishing with him in a lake when he calls me to nag me about some item we don’t carry. Not sure how I really felt when I realized your reasons were all fake.”

It was one thing to be told he was ignoring me, every cashier had said it. Cole had emphasized it many times until I told him I wasn’t interested in him as anything beyond an employee. But it really had hurt when I finally faced the truth that he was really ignoring me and avoiding me.

“They said they’d be here.”

“I didn’t want them here Zachary. But, I also knew you wouldn’t come without them agreeing too. Can’t blame them, I asked them to say they’d be here.”

“This is some trick Taylor would pull.”

“It was his idea. I can’t make you stay but I’d like you to.”

Knowing there was no valid reason for him to leave he just nodded. When I finished dinner I sat it down at the table. I’d been starving before he arrived, but now I didn’t want anything. He’d basically admitted that he was ignoring me and he didn’t want to be here.

It made me question whether Tori was wrong, whether Allen was wrong. They were both adamant when they told me he wanted more. Dinner was quiet. Had I made another mistake? I had most of the steak left and most of the sides.

“Not that hungry?”

“Comes and goes sometimes.”

“You know you should try to eat at least the salad. It won’t hold up to being put in the fridge, soggy lettuce and tomatoes, yuck.”

He was right but I was more afraid of it making me sick if he walked out. But I knew he’d just nag so I finished the salad and put the rest up. I stood at the sink trying to still the nerves that felt like they were beyond frayed.

“No Tori or Allen, no Pizza, no beer…Please tell me you at least kept the video games.”

“I have movies too, but yeah they’re set up.”

Did that mean he was going to stay? Then again…if he knew they’d both be kicking his ass if he left he would stay out of fear, but I wasn’t going to say anything.

“Are you playing?”

“I can…”

“I’ll find something you’re actually good at.”

I kept standing there and I heard the chair move and moments later he was behind me in the kitchen for a brief moment then he was in the living room looking through the games. I pretended like I was actually going to wash the few plates, but I just couldn’t bring myself to just talk. I just stood there, wondering, hoping that I can make this right. But, I had no idea how really.

It was completely fucking insane but what I wanted most, what I wanted more than anything was to be in his arms. It was insane that I just wanted him to stay, to take me in his arms and tell me he wouldn’t be leaving. I think I needed him more than any other time in my life.

“Where is your other controller?”

“Probably on the couch somewhere, I was playing last night.”

He looked at me kind of funny, mostly because the game in the system was God of War, I rarely played that one but it kept me from thinking about his hands, his face, and being alone all night. He found it somewhere in the middle of the love seat. I actually fussed with the dishes enough to wash them while he set up and got the game going. I chose to take the other love seat, even if it angled me weirdly for the TV.

The game was distracting but even I knew I was playing like shit. My mind was anywhere but the racing game and I think when I ran off the cliff without even bothering he may have noticed.

“Miriam?”

“Sorry, he moved weirdly.”

“Maybe it’s because you’re there and can’t see right. Come sit over here.”

Could I mark that down as a score? I wasn’t even sure anymore, but I moved to the seat beside him which did nothing to help me. Sitting here I could see his hands out of the corner of my eyes. I kept the car at least on the road but he was beating me left and right in races I usually won by miles.

My focus was on finding the right words, the right phrases. If only I knew what to say and how to say it. If only it wasn’t too late. I didn’t even realize he’d reset the race, didn’t realize I was just sitting at the start line, while everyone else left me there. I barely felt his finger tip graze my temple, sweeping back the hair I’d left down to cover my face.

“Miriam? What’s wrong? You didn’t finish dinner, you took far too long to wash a plate, and you aren’t playing very well. Are you okay?”

For a moment I just sat there. I heard him say my name again before I felt his fingers on my jaw, moving me carefully. The slight sweep of his thumb over my cheek seemed to be like a truck crashing through every wall I ever built up.

“Miriam?”

“I can’t take it anymore Zachary. I can’t handle that you are leaving and that’s what it feels like to me. That you are pulling away from me and I can’t lose you. I can’t be without you. I don’t care if everyone else leaves me, you can’t. You are the one stable thing that keeps me here, keeps me going. Even when you don’t know what is going on you’ve helped. Even when you weren’t even told you helped. I just…I can’t…”

I couldn’t breathe, that was a problem! I felt his hands on either side of my face, directing me to look at him.

“Breathe. In…Out…That’s it, just calm down.”

He continued the wording of in and out until I was calmer. But when I started to say something he placed his finger over my lips.

“I’m not going anywhere Miriam. I’m sorry I’ve been pulling away but I just need to…I can’t deal with how I feel when you’re always around me. I couldn’t convince myself that things were okay when I couldn’t stop the illusions. I’d never leave you Miriam, I can’t. I just needed time to deal.”

“I don’t want you to just deal with those feelings, I want to know what they are.”

“Telling you won’t make it easier for either of us.”

“You don’t understand Zac.”

“I know you want me to tell you what’s going on and I can’t. I just need to process them but I’m not leaving and I’m sorry if I made it feel that way.”

His hands had softened their grip some, about to pull away because it was very clear now, the pain in his eyes. I had been delusional. What I thought was disappointment was actually pain. It wasn’t that he didn’t remember what happened on Valentines; he just expected a different outcome. He didn’t understand my words though; fuck my emotions that couldn’t find the right words! But, maybe it wasn’t words he needed…maybe the hormones were the best answer.

I was 2000% sure I shocked him, yet again. Even pregnant I could move fairly fast and I went from sitting in that spot beside him, to straddling his lap in a split second. I heard the thump of a controller hitting the floor. My hands instantly went to his face to hold him still and the moment my lips touched his, everything seemed right. I tried to convey all the feelings that I couldn’t find words for, into that one kiss.

He was tense at first like before but relaxed only a bit before he was moving my hands and pulling away.

“Miriam…I can’t…”

“Yes, you can.”

“No, I can’t keep having moments like this only to go back to being normal. I can’t do this all the time because it’s killing me Miriam. I don’t know what you want and little moments like this give me hope and then things seem to fall back into that…normal and I can’t keep doing that. I thought there was more there last month and you obviously didn’t.”

I leaned forward, putting my forehead against his.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know then what was going on and I associated it with hormones. You can Zachary, because I want the same thing. I didn’t understand then and I didn’t believe that you’d want more from me. You never have before I just didn’t understand.”

“I’m not sure that’s what you want.”

“I do, I’ve had the last month alone to think about it. You’re the only one that’s always here. You do things even past boyfriends wouldn’t ever do. I can’t provide a guarantee that it was meant to be, but maybe it is. None of them would be going to appointments, none of them would just assume the role of Dad but you have. You’ve been there all along even when you have no idea how much I needed you.”

He sat there quietly but his hands hadn’t let go and he wasn’t making me move.

“I’ve always liked you Miriam. A long time ago when you approached me I was confused. I wasn’t sure what those feelings were, it was a long time before I really understood what they meant and by then you were dating and had been. I tried to ignore it but I couldn’t.”

“I didn’t think you were really interested and then Valentines was just shocking. I’m sure you weren’t totally wasted to the point of not remembering. I just didn’t know what it meant. I didn’t know if you were even aware of what happened and then his party was the same. That morning I was confused, and after the call, I got to thinking and I didn’t want to lead you on if it really was just hormonally driven. I wasn’t sure then.”

“And now?”

“I’m sure now. We both know we can’t live without the other, I’m not sure how we’d be as a couple but if you want to try that we can. I just don’t want to lose you ever. Even if we don’t work out, I don’t want it to ruin everything.”

“I don’t either. But, I think we’ll be fine.”

His hands finally let mine go, moved to wipe off my face and move my hair.

“I didn’t have a problem with the doctor thinking I was the father, because I really wish I was Miriam. I wish that I’d been braver sooner and that this baby was our son. I was disappointed, but not in you. I was disappointed in me for not being braver. For not letting you know sooner.”

I blinked. “You really wanted him to be yours?”

“Yes. The first time we heard his heartbeat, I wished he was mine. I wish he was mine.”

“He can be yours, I mean genetically he can’t but I can’t think of another man on the planet that I’d want him to look up to as his father.”

His lips were soft against mine. “I think I’d like that role very much.”

The intense emotions of being nervous and terrified and scared of losing him were ebbing away. His hands had come to rest on my thighs, not moving. He really did seem a little tense when I moved a little closer.

I rather just wanted to kiss him more; the feeling was entirely different than anything before. Could it be because everyone else was so right? That we should have been together years ago? He didn’t seem to mind now at all and I was content with that. I could occasionally feel his hands tighten.

 

**-Zac-**

When I arrived and realized that it was a complete set up, I really did start to leave. But, she looked really down and I just couldn’t leave with her looking like that. Yet, even after dinner and through the game things just didn’t seem right.

I was so puzzled and perplexed with her outburst of me leaving that I didn’t comprehend that she was trying to tell me she wanted to be with me, at least not until she was in my lap. I had to admit that her admission to me that she wanted me to be there for her son in the capacity of his father caused me to feel something beyond elation. I knew he couldn’t genetically be mine, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t call me Dad.

Yet, she was still in sitting in my lap, in a manner that she’d never been before. Coupled with the kisses and closeness and the lack of anything sexual in months, I more than wanted to, I just wasn’t sure if it was appropriate.

Yet, the pants I’d chosen were too tight and becoming very uncomfortable right now. Maybe it wasn’t bad, because her hands found the hem of the shirt and then they were under the edges and against my sides in moments, but she knew that ticklish spot.

“Hey! Not fair! You crept that up on me.”

“It’s the only way to get you.”

But her hands were bringing that shirt higher, even a slight tug because it was stuck behind me. I leaned up some and let her take it off.

“That was too easy.”

“It is warm in here.”

The shirt landed on the other love seat and she went back to my lips, but her hands roamed. I tightened my hands on her thighs which prompted her kisses to move along my jaw line, ending with a light nip to my ear.

“You don’t have to keep them there.”

“I wasn’t sure how far you wanted to go or if it was…appropriate and okay.”

“What do you mean?”

My eyes glanced down at the little baby bump before settling back on her eyes.

“I’ve not been with anyone who was pregnant, I don’t know if anything is okay.”

She giggled and I could melt right there. But she kissed me again before I could.

“I can do anything I want except use vibrators. They don’t recommend that I lay on my back long because of some main artery or something.”

“Wait….you asked the doctor about sex? Why would you ask? When did you ask?!”

Her cheeks flushed and even in the dim lights that were on I could see the pink hue perfectly. God that was so hot.

“I did and you were in the bathroom at the time. I wanted to know if using a vibrator was dangerous or not. Apparently it’s not advised.”

I blinked, she’d asked about it because she owned vibrators?! That did nothing to help the tightness of my jeans. If anything, it made it much worse! And I had to admit that the pink hue in her cheeks wasn’t helping either. She leaned in and kissed me again and this time I went for her sides, my hands grazing her skin as I slipped them under the t-shirt she had on. It was just moments later she flung the t-shirt over with mine.

I wasn’t expecting that she’d have a blue bra on under it.

“You chose that color on purpose?”

“Not really, it’s the only one that fits.”

This wasn’t the first time I’d seen most of her skin, but it was the first time I got to let my hands roam wherever they wanted and I took advantage of that, just exploring the areas I’d seen but not touched. Feeling the little dips and curves as she went back to my neck. I was slightly hesitant as I found the snap that held the bra on, this was a barrier that couldn’t be crossed and then taken back. Even if we didn’t last as a couple, neither of us could take back what we’d done. But the slight nip to my ear seemed reassuring somehow.

I felt like hyperventilating as the straps fell down her shoulders, as the fabric was moved away from her body, I presume she moved it to the same spot as the rest of our clothes. That smooth skin expanded to soft breasts that seemed absolutely perfect. I moved my lips to her neck, letting my hands just roam on the new skin I’ve never seen. I could hear when her breathing slightly changed and the little moan that escaped her lips the first time my hand grazed over the nipple.

I used that as a guide to move on down letting my lips leave a trail of soft kisses over her skin. Many potential fantasies ran through my head, but not having ever really discussed sex with her I had no idea what she liked or didn’t, so I stuck with one thing at a time and if that seemed to work we’d move on. As one hand caressed and sometimes rolled the nipple on the right side; I let my tongue wash over the left side. Her hands tightened on my shoulders, she wasn’t stopping me so I kept on.

After a little bit of time of licking and suckling that side I switched sides and the little sounds coming from her were nothing I’d heard before. It was almost like she didn’t know what to expect. It wasn’t until she really did yelp a bit that I pulled back, I assumed it was the little nip I’d given that nipple but she was shifting in my lap.

“Did you not like the nip?”

“I did, but my legs are starting to really hurt. Maybe we should move somewhere else?”

I wasn’t going to argue with that! So I helped her up, made sure she was steady, and then helped her turn things off. I then followed her to the master bedroom. I’d been in her room before, but not with this intention. Instinct caused me to close the door and she giggled.

“There won’t be anyone to interrupt us.”

“Still…”

I pulled her to me and kissed her, I don’t think I’ll ever get over this feeling. I was so distracted by the softness and sweetness of her lips that I didn’t really realize she’d even undone my belt or pants until her hands were sliding them down, she was like a damn ninja!

Only in fantasies did she ever look at me this way. Her fingertips left little Goosebumps as she pushed them down, wasting no time she took the boxers too. The number of times my cock has been pressed against her should mean she knew what to expect. However, her hand around the base was not even close to my fantasies.

The pressure was so much better but the little flick of her tongue to the head was beyond amazing. I felt her other hand go to the sac and I couldn’t stop that moan if I tried, not that I wanted to.

“Fuck.”

Her movements were intentional and it seemed like she knew what to do, but then again, weren’t most guys the same? I had to deep down admit that it did feel better to have her lips around me than it had anyone else. But, as much as I was enjoying this, I wouldn’t last long if she kept on. She looked very confused when I stopped her.

“You didn’t…Everything okay?”

“Perfect, I just don’t want this to end right now.”

I kissed her, despite the slight salty taste and moved her back some. I wasn’t as ninja like with her pants at all, she knew the moment my fingers touched the button. Only she didn’t have any underwear on. I helped her out of them and then got to appreciate all the areas I never could. Letting my hands run over her thighs and, damn, her ass was perfect.

“You are stunning you know that?” I asked.

The pink hue returned to her cheeks. I cupped her perfect ass and kissed her, moving her back until she took the hint. I paused at the edge of the bed, looking down at just how perfect she was.

“Something wrong?” she asked.

I moved over her, kissed her again. “No. I was just admiring how absolutely perfect you are.”

“Lies.”

I moved down to her neck. “Not a lie. You are perfect, at least to me.”

I didn’t linger long on her neck, before moving back down to her breasts.

“That feels…incredible.”

Her hips rose up some when I nipped this time, so I moved down. But when I glanced up she looked so unsure and nervous, but I kept going. I had to admit that it did feel slightly weird to kiss over that bump, but I think that little bump made her sexier than anything else.

“Zac…”

I paused and looked up at her. “Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing that’s going to hurt you, I promise.”

She still seemed incredibly unsure, but I went back to kissing her abdomen on my quest lower. Dreams couldn’t touch this, the way she smelled was unlike anything I’d smelled before and it was pleasant and nice. Yet the first time my tongue touched her she seemed to inhale sharply. It was an addictive taste and one I wanted more of.

Her reaction to the movements of my tongue and especially once I focused on the clit was very good. Despite the hair pulling, hearing how she sounded when she climaxed was divine and seeing her face moments afterwards was amazing.

For several moments she laid there before she attacked me. If I thought the foreplay was amazing the sex itself was beyond my expectations. The way she felt around me was tight and soft and she was so wet. The way she chose to be on top and being able to see her and touch her it was just amazing. Seeing her in this manner was something I wanted to remember.

It was afterwards when she was lying curled up beside me, wrapped in my arms that I could fully appreciate this.

“I keep expecting to wake up.”

“You aren’t asleep silly.” She said.

“I’m glad that I’m not. Glad we’re off tomorrow and they better not call.”

She giggled and I felt the slight shiver so I pulled her a little closer and tucked the blankets behind her.

“You like tucking me in next to you, huh?”

“I do. It’s a nice warm spot.”

She tried and failed to stifle the yawn. I could imagine she was tired as I was. So, I just snuggled up with her and I was pretty sure she was asleep for about twenty minutes before I was also. I fell asleep wondering what it would be like to wake up next her in the morning.

 


	10. Discussions of Past

POV: Miriam

May 2, 2011

It only took Victoria five minutes to figure out that we had moved beyond friends, how I didn’t know because he came in an hour after I did and nothing was abnormal to me. Well, besides the kiss he gave me when he got there but she didn’t see that! The rest of the crew over the week figured it out or caught little glimpses of a kiss or a hug. 

Two weeks and he’d made me feel different. Although, explaining that he was the first person to ever do oral sex on me was a bit hard but not near as hard as asking for it later. Not that he minded, I think he quite enjoyed being able to touch all those areas he hadn’t before. Not that I hadn’t returned the favor for him either, it just happened here at the store, in the cooler, because it was the only place without a camera! 

He made me feel good about myself and about having this baby. It was shocking to learn he really wanted to be the father but I hadn’t lied, he really was the perfect choice to be his father. I was wondering though how long I’d have before I physically just couldn’t handle sex. Right now, I was more than fine with daily. 

“You seem overly happy this morning for a Monday.” Victoria said.

I’d been humming along to the music as I was completing paper work and counting money.

“I am happy.” 

She smiled. “I told you being delusional was bad. You never said what made you realize it.” 

I laid the stack of bills down. “Him pulling away after Valentines, and then especially after Taylor’s party he was pulling away from me, and I just realized that you were right.” 

“I tried to tell you. So, are you certain you want to name your son Micah?” 

“Yep. It’s the best way to honor him.”

“I just worried about it reminding you constantly of him.” 

“I remember them all the time Tori. Baby cries, I remember him.” 

“So, are you doing a theme for him?” 

“Zac and I talked about it over the weekend and I think I want to do like an ocean theme. I haven’t really looked at a lot of stuff and I know I need to.” 

“Wait….are you saying you haven’t gotten anything for him?” 

“I wanted to know what I was having first and I’ve talked to Natalie and Nikki so I know that I don’t want all those super expensive swings and stuff. Zac and I did set up a registry this weekend.” 

“Oh?” 

“Well, Diana and I set it up months ago. But, I only really added neutral things. Zac and I added some boy specifics like clothes. I’m still deciding on the bottle or breast thing though.”

“Yeah, that’s a hard decision sometimes. Give me the information and I’ll see what’s up. I am sure she told you when the shower was?” 

“Yeah. She and I chose the date actually. She gave me a date, asked about themes, and then told me to stay away.” 

She laughed. “Did you say ocean?” 

“I did.” 

“Okay. You look happier MJ and I’m glad. Looks like you got laid too; he’s had that look for weeks.” 

I know my face blushed, but I didn’t confirm or deny any assumption. But she didn’t expect me to, just headed back out to the floor. I finished counting the deposits and even made it to the bank and back with lunch. Despite the extra weight I carried now, it wasn’t bad. I’d been feeling movement since right before the anatomy scan, it was more prominent now. Zac had been able to feel that over the weekend, the sheer joy in his face at feeling some random foot or hand was beyond anything I could think of.

I was almost done with lunch when Debbie appeared at the door.

“Miriam?” 

“Yes?” 

“There’s a detective here, he’s asking for you.” 

“A detective?” I asked.

“Yes Ma’am.” 

I wondered why a detective would be here to see me, but I covered the remainder of my sandwich and followed her to the front. When I saw the detective I knew it wouldn’t be good news.

“Detective Harris.” 

“Miss. Castellano. Is there somewhere we can talk privately?” 

“Follow me.” 

I went to the room where we stored the paperwork for prior years. With the door closed behind us there was nothing that anyone would hear.

“Are you expecting?” He asked.

“Yes, I’m due in August. Why are you here? It’s been a very long time since I saw you.” 

“I know. It’s been ten years.” 

“Exactly. Why are you here?” 

“I’m here as a courtesy to you. Mr. Joshua Morgan has been released on parole. I was there and I tried my damnest to keep him in jail. But the board decided that he had served enough time.” 

“They released him?” 

“Yes.” 

“You don’t think he’d try to find me do you?” 

He sighed and that was never good.

“He hasn’t forgotten about you Miriam. I initiated and the judge agreed you have a protection order. He can’t come near you. However, it’s a piece of paper. It doesn’t mean he’ll stay away.” 

“Do I need to do anything for the protection order?” 

“No. I have your copy with me.” 

He produced a piece of paper from his jacket and handed it to me. But he was right; it was just a sheet of paper. It didn’t mean he would leave me alone.

“When you said he hadn’t forgotten me, how do you know?” 

“He wasn’t allowed to mail you letters, but he tried. He would send family letters and include one for you, those were confiscated. But he kept a lot of them. He was still writing them a week before he was released.” 

“What do I do if he shows up?” 

“Call the police.”

“And if he calls? Sends messages? E-mails?” 

“Call the police and turn them in.”

“Is there anything else?” 

He sighed. “Caleb Bayne is due to be released next month. Do you know who he is?” 

“Detective I don’t think I’d ever forget him. He’s the man that killed my family. Has it really been long enough?” 

“Honestly, no. But, his time is up. It’s been 15 years.” 

“Okay, thank you.” 

“Do you still have my contact information?” 

“No. I think Diana has it though.” 

He presented me with a card. “If you need me, don’t hesitate to call.” 

“Thank you.” 

I followed him back to the front of the store, almost feeling like I’d been punched in the stomach. I saw him out and then I started for the office but to be sitting there alone wasn’t what I needed or wanted. So I headed off into the store, thankfully finding Zac standing by the baler talking to Nathaniel, who saw me coming and must have said something.

“MJ?” Zac asked.

I just wanted his arms around me and he complied with ease. Nathaniel kind of moseyed off to do something else and he stood there, arms wrapped around me holding me tightly.

“Did something happen up front? Bad customer?” 

“No. Not a customer.” 

“Sweetie what’s wrong then? You hardly do this even when we weren’t together.” 

“I can’t talk about it here. But, I think I want to just leave.” 

I wanted the safety and comfort of my own home. Some place I know and don’t have to worry about anyone handing me anything. 

“You want me to come with you?” 

“Please?” 

“Done. You go get ready and I’ll get this bale done and outside.” 

“Okay.” 

He kissed my forehead and I went back to the front, I tossed the sandwich, and got what little was left.

“Miriam? What did he want?” 

“It’s nothing. But, I’m going home. You guys are good here.” 

“I don’t believe it was nothing.” 

“The man that killed my family gets his freedom back next month. I just need to go home.” 

“Zac is going right?” 

“Yes.” 

She stayed with me until he was also ready, he was following me home but during the drive I got to remembering things and things just started getting blurry and I couldn’t breathe. I pulled over and he was pulled over and beside me in a few moments it felt like.

It was a panic attack, felt like a bad one. He was there beside me coaching me on breathing like he had when they first started. He was the only one that could. 

“Come on Miriam, calm down.” 

I held the steering wheel until I was calm enough to turn and get out. He directed my face to him, kept coaching. But, I saw Nathaniel’s car arrive and while I was confused he and Victoria were there in moments. Zac reached around and got my keys, handed them to Victoria.

“I’ll put her with me. Just take her car home and then you can return to the store.” 

“She okay?” Tori asked.

“Yeah, just a panic attack and I don’t think she should be driving.” 

I didn’t really care, his arms were around me and that was safe. He guided me to his truck and into the seat. They actually left before we did. Neither of them were at the house when we got there, but my car was parked and the keys were in the flower pot beside the door. He led me inside and got me a bottle of water. 

“You haven’t had a bad panic attack in a while, what happened?” 

“It’s a long story.” 

He tilted his head sideways and that little crooked grin. “I have all afternoon, all night.” 

The problem was that no one knew about Joshua, the only person besides myself, him and the detectives was Diana. I’d purposely made sure of that. I wasn’t sure how Zac would react to it. I first tried the same line I did with Victoria, letting him know the man responsible for killing my family was being released. That worked for about fifteen minutes.

“I’m not Victoria Miriam, you should know that. She may just accept the first reason you give but that’s not the problem. You came to the back and you were more than upset. I can believe that news would upset you, but a panic attack on the way home? I can’t believe that would trigger one of those. I’m here for you Miriam, you can talk to me.” 

I moved from the counter to the love seat facing the fireplace, he brought another bottle of water and sat down beside me. How Diana had kept it from them was beyond me. But none of them had ever found out.

“Do you remember when we toured with Taylor?” 

“I do. We toured a lot with him because Mom and Dad had to go. Kind of miss it sometimes.” 

“Do you remember his second tour?” 

“Yeah, was the beginning of 2001. It’s been ten years but I remember the tours Miriam.” 

I looked at him. “Do you remember Joshua Morgan?” 

He looked puzzled for several moments. “I vaguely remember him. Wasn’t he a crew member or something?” 

“He was Taylor’s assistant or a roadie. Helped set up, break down, whatever basically.” 

“I don’t remember him being around very long.” 

“Two months was all he was there.”

“Why do you remember this so well?”

I took a sip of the water and tried to figure out the best words.

“Didn’t your first panic attack occur right around then?” 

“Yeah. It did actually.” 

He turned my head gently. “You said a few weeks ago I was there to help you even when I didn’t know you needed help, even when I wasn’t told. What did you mean?”

“You did help even though you had no idea you were.”

“I don’t like where this conversation is going. You asked about him, the tour, and you implied there are things I don’t know.” 

“You’re mom and I agreed it was better you didn’t know, honestly, you were so protective of me then that she was afraid you’d go after him. I was afraid you’d kill him.” 

“What did he do Miriam?” 

“When we talked you assumed that Trevor was my first, you even said you wanted to kick his ass for that. Trevor wasn’t my first Zac.”

“Yeah, not liking where this is going.” 

“When the tour started nothing was weird or abnormal. But a week into the tour I started getting little notes telling me how pretty I was, how nice my hair was, how my eyes looked nice, how clothes fit. I thought it was you or Taylor at first.”

“Taylor?” he asked.

“Taylor was in the phase of still blaming himself, he’d sent me little messages before but it was always known they were from him. These didn’t say who they were from and I didn’t recognize the writing. It took me a few days to realize they weren’t from you or Taylor. I didn’t know who was sending them, but the third week the messages got...sexual. Commenting on what he wanted to do. At that point I knew damn well it wasn’t you or Taylor. So I took the notes to Mama Diana.”

“The reason why you suddenly were with Isaac?” 

“He was not pleased to be sharing with me and the girls. But, she felt it was safer and the notes stopped. Two weeks before that first longer break I had gone down to the lobby to get a snack and a drink for me and Jessica. Avery was with you and Zoe was with your Mom and Dad. Joshua approached me and told me that you wanted to play some games and you’d sent him to find me. He had always been playing on the bus and I assumed he wasn’t lying. So I followed him. He was supposed to be sharing with two others but he’d gotten his own room two floors above.” 

“And that’s where he took you?” 

“Yeah. I think I knew the moment I stepped into the room. There were no sounds from the game, no laughter. I turned to leave the moment I realized that, which was like two steps into the room, and he shut the door before I could. I asked to leave, got my phone and he yanked it from my hand. Told me I didn’t need it.”

I paused and took a sip of the water. “I did everything I could to get out of that room. At some point right after I started screaming he hit me in the back of the head. I remember falling onto the floor, but then the next clear memory was like an hour later. By then he’d stripped me already and had my hands tied above my head to the headboard. Ironically he used my underwear as a gag.”

I could tell by the look on his face that he was furious. 

“I couldn’t stop him. He was my first and he knew that. At one point he actually smeared the blood onto my face, laughing. Told me he loved me and he wanted to be with me, that he couldn’t live without me. He went on and on about how he liked how I looked, how I smelled. I could hear my phone ringing but I couldn’t get to it.”

I got another sip of water and I waited for several minutes, not for me but to give him time to calm down.

“When he was finished he made me shower. He told me I wouldn’t tell anyone and that next time I’d come to him when he called. He handed me back my phone and the items I’d gotten from the lobby. Kissed me and sent me out. I might not have told anyone but it had been hours at that point and it was late at night. Mama Diana was waiting in the room when I got back. I didn’t have time to find anything to cover the marks. Not that it really mattered; you must have gotten your ability from your Mom. She only had to ask me what happened and I told her everything.” 

“Mom was waiting?”

“Isaac had been the one calling; he got worried because I was just going to the lobby and back. I should have been back in thirty or less. After an hour he left Jessica with Taylor and came to try and find me, when he couldn’t he called Mama Diana. When she couldn’t get me to answer she thought I had gone out to party or something, thought I got caught up in the LA scene. She knew the moment I stepped foot in that room something bad had happened. She thought I had been taken by someone. I was hesitant to tell her but did. She called the police.”

“How the hell did you two keep the police from us?” 

“We met them downstairs, different room.”

“Trial? I assume he went to jail for this?” 

I needed more water and some time myself. “They had him basically by the balls, they didn’t really need me. He initially chose to do a trial only because he wanted me there. I was relying on you so much to not just breakdown completely. My mindset was so bad then that you really were the only person I wanted to be around. We chose not to tell anyone else because she didn’t want you to go off on him, but we also didn’t want to put anymore blame on Taylor. It was his crew member, his tour. He was the reason I was there, but it wasn’t his fault. He still blamed himself for what happen to my parents and little brother. When we came home it wasn’t because she had to deal with the store. We came home because I was pregnant.” 

His eyes grew wide. “But, you never…” 

“I miscarried at seven weeks. I came home because she was worried and I needed to see a doctor. I was having really bad cramps and they had to do a D and C. I’m not explaining that to you. They said the embryo wasn’t forming right; there was a problem with the conception basically. After that he plead guilty and took a plea deal.” 

“Why the change of heart?” 

“Because he could say he was smelling the blood on the sheets but he hadn’t caused it all he wanted. It was my word against his. But the doctor had DNA evidence that he’d had sex with me. Once his lawyer learned about that, he recommended a plea deal.” 

“He would have been convicted either way.” 

“He would have, yes. I mean there was physical evidence the hospital collected. Proof basically that he’d raped me. There was blood on the sheets; he had my underwear as well. He only wanted a trial because it meant I had to be there. The miscarriage gave the DEA enough evidence that I didn’t need to be. So, he accepted the deal.”

“So, what happened today?” 

“Detective Harris handled the case in California and came here a few times to talk to me before hand. He came to the store today. Joshua was released from jail. He wanted me to know and he gave me the protection order.” 

“Why would you need one?” 

I looked at him. “Because he hasn’t forgotten about me, he’s apparently written countless letters to me.” 

His eyes seem to narrow. “If he shows up here he won’t need a jail.” 

“Zac.” 

“Not kidding, you should have told me!” 

“It was easier not to. I didn’t want to tell everyone that I was stupid enough to believe him. I shouldn’t have believed him Zac. You wouldn’t use others to ask me, you would have asked me directly. I shouldn’t have believed him and I felt stupid as hell for going. I felt like it was my fault somehow, but I didn’t want to talk about sex with anyone. You couldn’t have told me things would stop hurting after a while, you couldn’t tell me that the cramps weren’t normal. I wanted my mother Zac and I couldn’t have her, so I went with the person closest to her and that was your mom. She sent me to counseling when we got home, it helped.” 

“You still should have told me. I would have understood why you were suddenly having panic attacks, why you cringed when I touched you. Why you woke up with nightmares. You didn’t have to ask me those questions, I would have understood asking Mom was better. But, it would have made knowing how to help you easier. I didn’t understand why you cringed at first, made me feel like those hormonal accidents had scared you.” 

“No. I cringed when anyone touched me actually, including Zoe. Diana told Taylor that Joshua was arrested on drug charges and he accepted it.”

“Are you afraid he will come after you?” 

“I don’t know. It’s been 10 years and he apparently wrote to me but they weren’t allowed to be sent. So, he hasn’t forgotten me. But, I don’t know if he’s stupid enough to violate an order. It means going back to jail.” 

He leaned over and kissed me. “Yeah, let him try. He has one major road block in the way. Me. You know I have no problem staying here with you if I have to. Besides, it’ll give us time to set up that nursery and you know…buy things.” 

I giggled. “That’s not what you’re thinking.” 

“I figured bringing up sex now would be bad timing.” 

“I know how your brain works.” 

“Did you tell anyone else at all? Like, Trevor?” 

“No. The only ones that know are the ones that were there, the police, and your mom. I’m not sure if she told Papa Walker or not. I would image she did but he’s never once brought it up.” 

“He’s never mentioned it, but Mom probably told him not to.” 

“Probably.” 

“So, were you really afraid of being judged or were you just scared?”

“I was afraid of being judged. But there was a little bit of fear regarding what they would tell me.”

“Well, we know little man is fine. I also know if Joshua steps foot near you I will stomp his ass so far into the ground he’ll wish he’d never even heard your name, let alone done anything else.” 

“I have no doubt.” 

“He’s not the reason for your lack of oral sex though, right?” 

“Right. That was just because I apparently met assholes.” 

“I tried to tell you.” He teased.

It did feel better for him to know, and it would mean that is Joshua did come around, there was protection here. Being calm and at home meant I could jump him. Clearly he wasn’t expecting that but dammit I might be addicted to him. Sex then a nap worked out well! He even helped me fix dinner that night. Even after dinner we settled in the living room, feeling little Micah move and watching a movie until I couldn’t stay awake any longer. 


	11. Oceans of Fun

POV: Miriam

May 14, 2011

26 weeks. There was no denying that I was pregnant, no denying that Micah was getting bigger because I was a lot bigger. Add in the constant need to pee and the heartburn from nearly everything I ate, I was counting down the days until August! 

I got up about eight and found myself some breakfast and got myself showered and dressed for the day. Zac had actually picked out a dress for me to wear to the baby shower. It was a light blue dress with a high-low hem line that had magnolia flowers on it. The top was wrap style, so I could adjust it and if I chose to breast feed it would accommodate that as well. It had a tie that I left kind of loose. I had to put on a pair of leggings for warmth and I used a closed toe white pair of TOM’s shoes. It was warming up in Tulsa and I was dreading it. 

Victoria was picking me up, it wasn’t that I couldn’t drive but it was better. Zac had stayed several nights after the detective came to the store, but he hadn’t been here the last few nights and I was rather missing him. About eleven the door bell rang and I got it.

“Morning.” Victoria said.

“Morning, I think. Micah woke me up fairly early.” 

She came inside and smiled at me.

“So, the guys at the store agreed to cover for several hours for the ladies to join. I knew they would.” 

I smiled. “That’s good. I knew they wouldn’t mind either because I told them I’d add something extra.”

“Pay wise?” 

“No. When the ladies take over this afternoon, they all get to go to a nice restaurant on me.” 

“Bribery! How rude.” 

“Well, from what I understand they chose to do like a bar and grill place. I limited drinks to two each, none for the students.” 

She giggled. “If only Zac knew, he would have gone in.” 

“He didn’t?” 

“Are you kidding me? He’s with your Mom helping decorate and making things perfect. He even ordered the cake. Speaking of, that dress is so pretty. Where did you get it?” 

“No idea, Zac bought it.” 

She blinked, clearly she was confused.

“Zac bought it? Are you kidding?” 

“No. Ironic that he can’t find clothes for anyone else; but he can for me. He also got me new pajamas, oversized gown and short set.”

“Shocked he wants you to wear anything.” 

“When he’s here he prefers that I don’t.” 

“So, serious note…how are you two doing?” 

I picked up my bottle of water and considered it.

“I feel like we’re going very well. I mean, aside from the sexual side of things we’re normal. He does do little things he didn’t before like he’s touchier.” 

“I noticed that much and sexual side? Um, how is that possible?” 

“Depends on the position. Like, he’s too big now for me to lie down on my back. But other positions are fine.” 

“Wait…are you saying you actually have had sex with him? Even pregnant?” 

I could feel the heat in my face. “Yes. Honestly, it’s better than anyone I’ve been with. Maybe it’s because he really does care. He wants to know what not to do and what to do.” 

“He’s always been attentive to you; I guess sex shouldn’t be any different.” 

“We have a few moments and I have a question. I know that Zac’s chosen to be there for you and Micah, but, is he signing the birth certificate as well?” 

I sat the bottle down. “We haven’t discussed it really.”

“Do you want him to?” 

“I’m not sure Tori. Signing his birth certificate is more than just standing in as Dad, its saying you’re going to be committed to that child for life. If, big if there, we don’t work out then he’ll always be tied to Micah. I don’t know if he wants that type of commitment.” 

She rolled her eyes. “He’s been committed to you forever; I don’t think he’d say no. But, you may want to bring it up sooner so he has time to think about it before you go into labor.” 

“Now that scares me, labor.” 

“I was wondering how you were going to handle it, you’ve never been super good with dealing with pain.” 

“The doctor assured me the epidural would take the edge off. I’ve seen many episodes of A Baby Story though, scary shit. I had to stop.” 

She laughed. “Yeah, I watched a few and couldn’t. I think with Zac there you’ll be fine.” 

“I hope so!” 

We killed another thirty minutes talking about the show and what the doctor discussed regarding pain medication options before we headed off to the shower. Diana originally planned it for her house but when employees wanted to come she moved it to an event center. It wasn’t warm enough to be outside and the house wouldn’t accommodate so many. 

The parking lot was full but she let me out at the door and I waited on her, Zac’s jacket keeping me warm. She then went inside with me. There was no shouting of surprise but a lot of warm welcomes and hugs. A few of the family members did the cursory belly rub but employees didn’t. Zac was the one that went with the hug, kiss, and rub. 

“I told you the dress would look stunning on you.” 

“Hey, I almost went with pants. It’s cold outside.” 

“But, it’s warm in here.” 

I took a moment to take in what they’d done. Balloons were everywhere in shades of white, light blue and dark blue, representing bubbles. There were also streamers hanging up behind specific tables and little sea creatures hung on them at periodic places. The center pieces on the tables were different and I had to pick up one to realize it was diapers! They were rolled and wrapped with blue ribbon and then confetti paper was on top with a little stick containing various sea creatures. Some had little stuffed toys. The plates had a coral design on the larger plates, a sea turtle on the smaller ones and then the napkins had sea creatures and the cups matched those. They had planned very well and it was almost overwhelming.

“Baby?” Zac asked.

“Happy tears Zac, those do exist. Everything is just…perfect.” 

“We tried.”

“I see.” 

“Wait until its game time.” 

“Are you…staying?” 

“Of course, I do feel a bit outnumbered though. But, I wouldn’t miss it. I’ll be taking a lot of photos too. No fear, I’ve photographed all the decorations and scenic shots.” 

Diana came over and guided me to the cakes. One was a diaper cake with various toys in sea creatures and the main cake was light blue with coral and seaweed on the bottom with sea creatures.

“It’s just perfect.”

“I’m glad you like it. You’d be shocked that Zac did a lot of the center pieces himself.” 

“That does shock me.” 

She grinned bigger. “I’m glad the two of you talked. I don’t think I could handle it if you two stopped.” 

“We’d never really stop Mama Diana.” 

“I know, but still. Although, he keeps saying his son…are we certain this is Jake’s?” 

“Yes. He admitted he wished it was his but he’s volunteered to be Dad and I couldn’t pick anyone better.” 

“Agreed. Now, let’s get to the games and food!”

Food consisted mostly of finger foods, sandwiches in a few varieties; chips, dips, fruit, cheese and crackers, and pickles. It was pretty much just a hodgepodge of foods, but they all worked well together. Drinks were the same and everyone stuffed themselves. 

Game wise, it was about the same. There was the sniff the candy in the diaper, no shock Zac won that one. There was a guess the baby food, which Nikki won and Natalie was close behind her. Quickest to change the diaper went to Debbie, who beat everyone by a full minute! The feeding of ‘your baby’ was hilarious. It was done in pairs and they were blindfolded. It was messy as hell, but so funny to watch. Zac and Tori paired up and they did fairly well, but he still had green beans in his hair and she had mango in hers. The ‘don’t say baby’ game was actually won by Diana, who seemed to collect everyone’s pin but Zac’s. When the games were completed, and winner’s gifts given out, we had cake and ice cream. Then Tori declared it was time for presents.

It was coordinated well, Zac was taking photos, Tori was bringing the items to me, and Diana would write down what each person got for the thank you cards afterwards. Most of the store employees got the basics, clothes, diapers, wipes, blankets, clipper sets, and hair brushes. The clothes they got were mostly onesies in basic colors and gowns. Family members, however, went with the more defined outfits that had matching shirts and shorts, or pants. There were sleepers in boy colors, bibs, and hats. The largest of the boxes were from close family members. 

Tori got me a baby bath tub that was ocean themed along with everything I’d need to give him a bath, including towels, wash cloths, shampoo and soaps, and lotions. Avery got an ocean themed bouncer along with several outfits. Jessica got two different play mats, both ocean themed along with clothes and blankets. Zac had to bring over the box for Nikki and for good cause; she and Isaac had chosen an ocean themed swing. It would swing side to side or front to back, whichever he preferred. She’s also gotten some health items like gas drops, diaper rash ointments, and her preferred pacifiers. Natalie had Zac bring me that one too, again for good cause she and Taylor had chosen a pack n play with a changing table on top…it too was an ocean theme! I didn’t even think they made those in that theme! Diana and Walker had gotten a car seat, a really nice adjustable black one. It was perfect because it would grow with him. The only person left in the room was Zac. 

“You know I didn’t have to get anything, right?” 

His sisters snorted along with Tori and most of the others here. 

“Gee, I guess they don’t agree.” 

“Fine, I saved the best for last anyway.” 

He moved the last box in front of me and then sat a smaller bag on top. I started with the bag because it was easier. Inside was an ocean themed mobile for the crib, a little shell bottom with small crabs, fish, and sea stars as the items hanging down. The other item was a gift set with a bib with a shark on it, and two little booties with eyes and teeth.

“That’s just cute. Why didn’t we get anything that cute?” Natalie asked.

“I wasn’t at your showers and I got gift cards.” 

He then waited for me to open the bigger one and inside was a crib set. It was also ocean themed with light blue and white and fish. It was also a complete set with the sheets, bedding, wall decorations, a lamp and even a mobile. So, he would have two! 

“You saw it but you didn’t get it.” 

I hadn’t gotten it because it was so damn expensive! But, he’d gone back and gotten it. He got the hug afterwards and he knew he’d done well.

“I’m not done though.” He said.

He handed me a card and I was confused, what else could he get?! I opened the card, expecting the generic congratulations card but inside was a hand drawn card that had “I Owe You” on the front. I was hoping the contents weren’t x-rated! I opened it and written in his familiar writing was a promise to come over and paint the nursery for me, any color, and any style. He even included assembling the items we had bought before, which was a crib and two dressers. 

“No tears!” he said.

“Too late.” I pouted.

He pulled me in for a hug. “I know you can’t be around the paint and you can’t wait until he’s here before you paint his room.”

“I’ve had the paint picked out for weeks; just no way I can do it.” 

“Well, now you have someone. Also, Allen, Taylor and Isaac said they’d help if needed. I told them it depended on how complicated you wanted it.” 

“Alright, mushy aside.” Tori said.

The last hour of the shower was mingling, talking, and thanking people for coming and just general conversations. Most of the employees changed before leaving to go to work, where as family stayed to clean up. Isaac came to get Nikki and ended up helping Zac load his truck down with everything that was gifted. Once the event center was cleaned and things were put up Isaac, Nikki, and Tori followed us to the house to unload. 

“Where is everything going?” 

“The dining area, the bedroom needs to be painted first.” 

Once he was parked they unloaded, only letting me get the small and light items. But the others didn’t hang around long, it was late afternoon and they were tired or needed to get back to kids. 

“Is there anything you didn’t get?” 

“Not sure, I’ll have to compare the list Natalie and I made with what I have and then go from there.” 

“You didn’t get bottles, did you choose to breastfeed?”

“Not sure yet, but I figure if I chose bottles I can buy those then.” 

“I’m biased but breastfeeding has my vote.” 

I looked at him. “That’s just the perverted side of your brain, which I never knew about, doing your thinking.” 

He giggled some. “I’ve always been a tad perverted.” 

“No, nothing like you are now. You’re all touchy and feely.” 

“Are you saying you don’t like that?” 

“I’m not saying that at all, I am saying that until recently I wasn’t aware of just how perverted you could be. You find work sexual.” 

He laughed. “No honey, I find you sexual. Not work.” 

I rather liked his nicknames like honey, sweetie or baby. It wasn’t like the nickname MJ, this one was more personal. He came over to me and I didn’t mind the hug. Were all relationships supposed to be like this? No wonder none ever worked.

“You look tired.” 

“He decided that using my bladder for his pillow was acceptable. Kept me up and running most of the night.” 

“Won’t be too long before you’ll be holding him.”

“I’m counting down the days!” 

“So, what did you want to do with the nursery?”

“Something simple. I know that while the ocean theme is awesome when he’s older he may not like it. So, I was thinking just a lighter blue on the walls, white trim and maybe decorate it with ocean things. That way, it’s not hard to change later on.” 

“That is very simple.” 

“Yep. Realistically, he won’t be spending a ton of time in there. Mostly sleeping.” 

He smiled. “You have the paint color picked out, did you also get it?” 

“No. Wasn’t sure what brand would be better but the color is picked.” 

“We’ll go after work Friday and get the paint. I’ll get in there and get the walls and the trim painted then we can decorate and add furniture. Would be a good time to evaluate what you have too.” 

“Works for me. How is the store going?” 

He faked concern. “It’s just falling apart without you! I swear it is.” 

“And I was gone like a day and a half. How will you guys survive six weeks?” 

“It’ll be hard, I know it will be. But, I also know you’ll be back eventually and once that happens we’ll have to shape up.” 

“I’ve been looking at daycare centers and they all suck.” 

“They all suck?” he asked.

“Price wise, they all suck. They’re expensive.” 

“You could bring him with you.” 

I stared at him like he was a lunatic. Did he just suggest I bring a newborn to work with me?

“Bring him with me? Do you realize that he’d be crying, screaming, pooping all day?”

He kissed my forehead. “You know as store owners, we don’t technically even have to be there. You could just stay home with him.” 

“I’m not sure my brain could handle that. I’d fear the store was going to implode or some shit.” 

He laughed. “Well, once he’s here we can evaluate that more. I think you’ll be fine with him there, may have to fuss at the cashiers for wanting to cuddle him versus working.” 

“Yeah, that would be a problem.” 

We chilled out for about an hour before he browsed the kitchen and made dinner, only letting me slightly help. While he cooked I considered what Tori had said about his last name. So once we were done with dinner and had settled on the sofa, I avoided the TV for the moment.

“I get the feeling this means serious talk?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Please tell me that asswipe isn’t sending you things.” 

“If he is, they’re not reaching me. But he’s not the topic.” 

“Okay, so what is the topic?” 

“His birth certificate and his last name. You’ve been more than adamant about being there as his father and in that role. However, I wasn’t sure how deeply that went. Signing his birth certificate is more of a commitment than just saying you’ll be there. I’m not sure if they’ll even let you. But, that also means his last name isn’t mine, it’ll be yours.”

“Signing his birth certificate basically says I am agreeing to take responsibility for him and to be there even if we aren’t together. That’s the plan Miriam. Even if for some reason we don’t work or we decide that friends are better. I’ll always be there as his dad.”

“You don’t want to like think about that at all?” 

“Don’t need too, I already have. I told you, I’d be there and I will be. Signing his certificate is up to you really. I’ll sign it if you want me to. I don’t mind. I don’t even mind if you want his last name to be mine. But, either way, I’ll always be there for him and for you.” 

I really hadn’t expected that answer or that he’d even considered it. But, he wanted to be there unlike Jake who wanted nothing to do with either of us. He wanted the responsibility and the ability to claim him as his son.

“If you want to sign it then I’ll let you. I just didn’t want you to feel like you had to or that I was forcing you to.”

“You aren’t.”

He leaned over and kissed me and I couldn’t quite deny that I wanted a lot more. I’m fairly certain I dragged him to the bedroom. Not that he would ever mind that, added I didn’t mind the comforting feeling he provided afterwards when it was sleep time. It provided a warm and fuzzy feeling that I wasn’t used to. 

I wasn’t sure when we actually fell asleep, but it wasn’t terribly late at all. Maybe Micah would let me sleep all night!


	12. Painting the Room

POV: Zac

May 21, 2011

Waking up at home alone sucked, but I knew tomorrow and Monday I’d be with Miriam and I’d be waking up to her and not some random pillow. I stretched after getting woken up and slipped on pants before heading downstairs. 

“Zac my man, what is up, good morning!” Mac said.

I raised an eyebrow. “What do you want bro?” 

“Who said I wanted anything?” 

“I normally get a grouchy morning and nothing else. This time I’m the man and it’s what’s up. So, what do you want?” 

“Mom is making me escort Zoe and her friends to the movies. I have no desire for that.”

“And you want me to take her instead?” 

“Duh? Isn’t that obvious?” 

“When?” 

“Tonight. Her friends want to go too, but they’ll need an adult as well.”

“Shocked mom even gave you that task. You? An adult? That’s very funny. What movie?” 

“Har Har Har, funny Zac. But the movie is Final Destination 5.” 

“Let me ask Miriam, I’m going to be there most of the day. If she also wants to go we’ll play chaperones.” 

I sent her a message and asked, and she just sent a smiley back, so I assumed that was a good thing. I let Mac know and he proceeded to give me a rundown of the time and place, which I told her because she would be more than likely to remember it. I grabbed a quick breakfast, let mom know that I would be with Zoe and to let her friends know. I then headed to Miriam’s.

I made a quick trip by the hardware store for supplies, and then went to her house. I had to ring the bell because her door was locked, which was good. She answered looking sleepy.

“Did I wake you up?” 

“Yeah, but its okay. Maybe if I don’t sleep all day I might sleep at night.” 

“Maybe.”

She stepped slightly to the side and I came in, laid the bag on the counter and smiled at her. She was always beautiful to me, but now that she was definitely showing, she was even more beautiful. Her hair shined, her face was always glowing, and she just seemed to radiate. 

“Why are you staring at me?” 

“Because I like too, looks like Micah got a little bigger.” 

“It feels like it to. So, what is the plan here?” 

“Painting then movie.” 

“Gotcha. So…I called the doctor I can visit the room but not stay. Sorry.” 

“It’s fine. You can rest and relax. It shouldn’t take long since you want simple.” 

“Well…” 

I groaned. “What did you change?” 

“I’d like for you to put his name on the wall above where the crib goes. I got a small can of black for that. I think it’ll look cool.” 

I smiled. “I think it will too.” 

She helped me get things ready, covering the carpet to protect it, removing light switch covers and outlet covers, taping over the door handle and other hardware and around the window. When I got ready to actually paint I sent her to the living room. I actually planned a little surprise for her myself because the wall the crib was on would be a two-tone wall, the bottom darker and the top lighter, kind of like the ocean. I did that wall last and once I was happy with the blend I stepped out to let it dry. 

Miriam was on the love seat asleep, so I left her alone and washed my hands and brushes out quietly. After an hour I checked and touched up, then prepared to paint the trim. Which didn’t take long at all. I checked again and while she’d moved positions, she was still asleep. I walked over and laid a blanket over her, lightly kissing her forehead before I went back to the room.

I set about putting the little sea creature stickers on the ocean wall, mindful of where the baby bed would be. I then painted his name as she wished, adding a few stickers around the name of star fish and crabs. I then went back to the front, finding her in the kitchen with lunch.

“You could have woken me up.” 

“Not a chance. You needed sleep, besides I can’t have you sleeping through the movie tonight. The room is drying and airing, about another hour and you can go in.”

She smiled. “Thank you.” 

“No problem.” 

I finished washing up things and we had a light lunch, planning to take the kids for pizza first. She excused herself after lunch for the bathroom and I was just stretching by the counter when I saw her name written on an envelope, but the store’s address was on it. That was odd because we never got personally addressed letters there. I picked it up and there was no return address on the envelope which was even weirder. Thinking maybe it was a past employee sending something or requesting something I pulled the paper inside out and opened it began to read.

_My Dearest Miriam,_

_It has been a very long time since I’ve had the pleasure of seeing you, hearing your sweet voice, or feeling the softness of your body against mine. I have not forgotten how you looked then, although I am sure you may have changed slightly in ten years. From my contacts, you’ve been a very bad girl. Multiple boyfriends? And now…a baby?_

_You promised to be with me. I don’t know why you felt compelled to lie about that night, why you felt it was okay to get me arrested and sent to jail over consensual activities. You, Miriam, came to me willingly. Yet, you told the police I lured you there. Why lie Miriam? Why were you ashamed to admit to your decisions?_

_Ten fucking years Miriam. It’s been 10 long, lonely years while you have been living it up. If you think some silly little sheet of paper will keep me away, you are mistaken. We can raise your bastard child together. Somewhere away from your little boy toys._

Despite the fact that there was no signature, no name, no indication of who wrote it, I knew who it was. Joshua Morgan. The postage date was several days ago and since it was already opened, I presumed she had already read it. 

It pissed me off that he referred to her child as a bastard. Micah would never be that, he had his father and that was me. It did alarm me that he mentioned a sheet of paper wouldn’t keep him away.

“Zac? What are you doing?” She asked.

I looked up at her and could tell she was surprised I was holding this particular piece of mail.

“Why didn’t you tell me about this?”

“Why are you going through my mail? Besides, it doesn’t matter. I’ve reported it to the detective already. It’s not signed, it had no finger prints on it, and there is no proof that he actually sent it.” 

“I believe the recollection of what happen then is proof enough.” 

“Not really, he could have told anyone in that jail what he did and to whom.” 

“You didn’t lie about what happened, right?”

Instant regret the moment I asked, I could see the hurt cross her face when she understood the question.

“Why would I lie about that?”

“For the exact reason he said, you regretted it later.” 

“I don’t condone sending innocent people to jail Zachary. I didn’t lie to your mother about what happened. I didn’t lie to the police. I can’t believe you’d even ask that.” 

“He just sounds very adamant.” 

“Of course he does. He claims to be in love with me and that we were in some relationship beforehand. He’s delusional. I wouldn’t lie about what he did or what happened, ask your mother. I am sure she wouldn’t agree with him. She was there Zac. I didn’t have time to fix my clothes or hide the bruises before she saw them.”

I laid the letter back down on the counter.

“Why didn’t you just tell me about the letter?” 

“It wasn’t important. I contacted the detective. I went by and they checked for prints, found like two dozen and none were his. He told me to hold on to it, just in case. But without some concrete proof that no one else sent it, I can’t say he violated it. We both know he did, the detective knows and went by his house.”

“It’s him, even I know.” 

“The detective’s bosses didn’t agree. He can’t come near me and he knows that. I wish I knew who his snitch was though, but I can’t let him control my life. I’m not afraid of him Zac. He’s a predator and an asshole; he’s not someone I should be afraid of. No, my staying at home this week had nothing to do with the letter and everything to do with swollen ankles and feet.” 

I walked to her and pulled her to me carefully. “Just tell me in the future, even if it’s nothing or they tell you it’s nothing. I don’t want to be in the dark about him Miriam. He hurt you. We both know it was him and it indicates he’s not going to abide by the protection order.” 

Her hands came around my waist. “I promise anything else happens I’ll tell you. I just didn’t think it was worth worrying over.” 

“Let me worry, it’s what I can do. Now, do you want to see the nursery?” 

She smiled and her entire face seemed to light up. “I do!” 

She followed me to the room and I let her inside, hearing the little inhale when she realized I did a little more than solid colors. When she turned around I kind of expected anger but I saw little pools of water in her eyes.

“You didn’t have to do that.” 

I wiped the little stray happy tears away. “I know I didn’t. While I loved your simple idea, he does deserve something special. These just peel off anytime you need it to change. They come from a website and they have dozens of different themes.”

“It’s…perfect. The little fishes are so cute and the name is perfect.”

“Let’s hope you don’t change your mind.” 

“Not going to, Micah is his name.” 

“I know you said nothing custom but I was just browsing and saw them, couldn’t resist. But, since they aren’t painted on I didn’t think you’d mind.” 

“I think it’s great. So…so we have time to put together the crib?” 

I checked the time and pending it didn’t take forever we should have time. So, she got the tool box and I got the crib box from the living room. She sat in a chair and directed me as we put together the crib together. We even had enough time to get the dresser together before we had to get ready. I showered to get the paint off my body and out of my hair. 

On the way to pick up Zoe we picked up two of her friends, Hailey and Daniel. I reassured their parents what movie we were watching and that both of us would be there. I then went by and got Zoe, who was even more ecstatic that Mac wasn’t the one escorting them! 

On the drive over Zoe and her friends talked and we kind of listened. Once to the restaurant everyone seemed super ecstatic. We let them sit alone but we sat near them, making sure they behaved and we got to talk privately. But about half way through dinner she shifted multiple times.

“Miriam?” 

“Baby issue, trying to get him to shift around.” 

She must have gotten him to because we finished dinner without issues. We got to the theater, got tickets and even found seats without any issues, but maybe Miriam didn’t anticipate the gore of the movie, because not even a quarter in and her face was buried in my shoulder.

“You okay?” 

She nodded. “Yeah.” 

She liked gory movies but I moved the little bar back and put my arm around her, let her just cuddle up on that side. She stayed there through the entire movie, I could see that Zoe and her friends had half-hidden their faces through most of it too. Wimps. 

We paused for bathroom breaks on the way out and I was back waiting on them. Zoe and her friends came out first though.

“Where is Miriam?” 

“She came in after we went in, but there was a line too.” Zoe said.

She came out like ten minutes after them but she moved right beside me. We chose to visit the ice cream shop right beside the theatre and everything seemed fine but she kept getting close to me in the chair.

“Miriam? Is everything okay?” 

“I feel like I’m being watched. But I don’t see him anywhere.” 

I did a look around and didn’t see anyone that seemed familiar or that I’d noticed at the theater as well.

“I don’t see anyone familiar. You’re fine with me and you know that.” 

“I do.” 

“Why don’t you just come to Mom’s? It’s already late and then we can sleep in tomorrow.” 

“Or you can just come home with me.” 

“I can do that too.” 

“Guys, come on! Get a room.” Zoe said.

“We have two.” I quipped.

“Ugh.” 

Once the ice cream was consumed we took her friend’s home first, making sure a parent was there to greet them and then we took Zoe home. She thanked us both for being the escort before heading inside. 

“You want to go or stay here?” I asked.

“Let’s just stay here. I’m tired and you are too. We can head back tomorrow sometime. I know how Mama Diana is; if I’m here she’ll want a visit.” 

“Especially now.” 

I moved my truck to its space and we went inside. Zoe was the only one awake but I left Mom a note on the counter before we headed upstairs, the note was so she’d know we were here already and not freak out if one of us came down. She found one of my shirts to change into and I smiled from the bed.

“What are you so happy for?” 

“I just like that you’re wearing my shirts and especially when there’s nothing under them.” 

She came to the bed and lay down, it was a tight fit as hers was a queen and this wasn’t, it was a full. Not much difference but with baby bump it showed. 

“Exactly how often did I cause issues when we were younger? I wore your shirts all the damn time.” 

“Yes, you did. You caused all of them.” 

She looked perplexed. “All of them? Surely not when you were 12 and 13, you thought I had cooties.” 

“Well, I would imagine some of those earlier issues were just hormone related. But, definitely after like 12 and a half. All you. I’m shocked you didn’t connect the dots sooner. I mean you seemed to always be there for them.” 

“I didn’t think it was me, especially not after I hit on you.” 

“Which scared me; I was a really big dumbass then. I should have took the hit and run with it. I’m pretty sure if I had; neither of us would have ever dated anyone else.” 

“Probably not.”

“Does Trevor believe he is your first?” 

She leaned up and looked at me confused. “Why does it matter?” 

“Curious.” 

“No. He doesn’t believe he was.” 

“But you didn’t tell him about what happened.” 

“He told me before we ever had sex that he was sure I wasn’t. When I asked, he said you and I acted to close not to have had sex. So he assumed it was you. I didn’t want to tell him about the first time, I wasn’t ready for anyone else to know. So, as far as he knows, you were.” 

“Wait, Trevor thinks I was your first?” 

“Yeah. I never corrected his assumption and he never learned any differently. He didn’t really ask for details or anything like that.”

“Is there anything in a sexual sense that you regret? Besides Joshua.” 

She seemed to consider that question for a long time.

“Not really. But, it’s not like I’ve been very adventurous. I believe Tori described it as ‘vanilla as hell’.”

“Vanilla isn’t bad. Just because you aren’t adventurous doesn’t mean anything.” 

“Well, I just never could handle being tied up. Trevor tried once, wanted to do something different and I just couldn’t. All I thought about was being in that hotel room stuck. I couldn’t.”

I kissed her. “I can see why you would. I’ve not been that adventurous either, so no worries. But, I’m not going to say I wouldn’t be up to trying anything you wanted.” 

“You should have mentioned that before that oral sex.” 

“I still can’t believe you’ve met guys that didn’t.”

She shrugged. “I guess I never really knew so I didn’t know what the hell I was missing!” 

I pulled her a little closer. “And now you know.” 

“I do. Might be rather addicted to the way you do it though. Not sure anyone else could be close.” 

I kissed her a few times. “Now you know my secret.” 

“Oh? What is that?” 

“Set the bar so high, no one else can come close.” 

She laid her head down on my arm. “That’s a really good strategy.” 

“It is. But, you get some real sleep now. Maybe he’ll be good tonight.” 

“Maybe…” 

The room grew quiet and once it did she was asleep within minutes. I didn’t like that she felt like she was being watched, couldn’t prove it, and it could have been just because of the movie. But, I knew what I did want to do and that was make sure her house had a better security system. I’d be making some calls and making sure, even if she didn’t want to. With her being pregnant and then those coming weeks when he was a newborn and she was alone. I wasn’t going to risk it.


	13. Four Leaf Clover

POV: Miriam

May 25, 2011

I had gone in yesterday and just overdone it, I woke up with ankles twice the normal size and my legs were also slightly swelling so I sent Zac a message and told him I’d be home today, even included a picture of my ankles. His reply was to keep my ass in bed and rest. I did make myself breakfast and then decided I’d be a vegetable in the bed today, I got a few DVD’s and that was the plan. Which worked really well for a while, I watched movies. 

Between myself and Zac, Micah’s nursery was set up. He had put together the swing, bouncer, and pack n play, and I had marked off things I didn’t need and that left me with a short list of things to get. Zac had learned Sunday that I could totally breastfeed. 

When the movies bored me I actually spent some time comparing and estimating breastfeeding benefits to bottles. He’d learned by getting a taste, which according to Mama Diana was normal. So I’d gotten some little pads to add in case they decided to leak at work. That was a shitty downside to that. By noon I was bored as hell, determined I was going to breastfeed, had a pump selected, and realized my ankle was no better. I went and fixed myself lunch anyway, I had to eat regardless! 

I had just sat down in the living room when my phone started ringing, seeing it was Victoria I answered.

“Hey Tori, please tell me something bad happened and you desperately need me there.” 

“Sorry MJ, everything’s running smoothly here. I take it you’re bored?” 

“Yes! God yes!”

“Sorry, not why I was calling you. Store’s doing really good actually; Zac actually did paperwork like he should.” 

“Nice. So, if it’s not the store why did you call?”

“Well, something strange occurred.”

“Go on…”

“Zac left about fifteen minutes ago to head to the bank; he was running a bit late. He was gone maybe five minutes when a man came in; he walked around the store and came to customer service. So I went out to see what he needed, he asked for you.” 

“For me?” 

“Yeah. He asked where you were and if you were in the back could you be paged. I asked if there was a problem or if there was something I could help him with, but he said no. He wanted to see you, specifically you.”

“Did he ever say why he was there or what he was waiting on?” 

“No. He refused to tell me anything else. Asked if you were here, I finally told him you were at home today and wouldn’t be in the store and I wasn’t sure when you’d be in really.” 

“It’s the truth. What did he say to that?” 

“Well, he asked for your home address and your phone number.” 

“He did what?” 

“Yeah, very strange. I’ve never seen him before and while he knew your name and all, it just didn’t settle well with me. I didn’t give him either your phone or house address. I just don’t know him and I don’t trust him. I told him he could wait for Zac if he wanted.” 

“Did he?” 

“No. Matter of fact he seemed to get pissed when I mentioned waiting for Zac. I mean, I may have tossed in a “her boyfriend Zac” for good measure.”

“So bad of you. What did he look like?” 

“He’s older than us for sure, looked kind of thin, but muscular. He had blue eyes, his hair was shorter than Zac’s, combed nice and brown.” 

“Any other tattoos or marks?” 

She paused a moment, pretty sure she was thinking about this random guy. I had a feeling of who it could be and that wouldn’t settle well with Zac at all. I had been able to get him off ordering a security system but if that was Joshua that showed up, I didn’t have anything to argue on that and he would put in a system.

“Let me ask Debbie, she was here too.” 

I heard her lay the phone down, and a few moments later she picked up again.

“Debbie said he bought a drink after he talked to me, he had a four leaf clover on his wrist, looked kind of like an older tattoo.” 

“Okay. If he comes back call the police on him.” 

“Okay. Any reason why?” 

“Yeah, he’s not allowed to be within 500 feet of my home or work location. Tori do me a favor and make sure all cashiers know not to be alone with him.” 

“Miriam, why is he prohibited?” 

“Ten years ago he raped me in a hotel in California. He’s a little obsessed. You won’t need to call Zac, I will.” 

“You and I will talk about this, but later. I’ll have Zac get a print out of him and show everyone.” 

“Okay.” 

I hung up. He had showed up at my job and the store was listed on the restraining order because I was co-owner and there all the time. I didn’t want Tori to tell Zac about this so I called him.

“Hey honey, everything okay?” 

“Can you come by on your way back to the store?” 

“I can.” 

“Please do.” 

“Okay.” 

I knew he was inside the bank, so I let him go and waited. He was here in less than thirty minutes.

“What’s wrong?” 

“Victoria called from the store. You still have that security system in mind?” 

“Yes. Are you finally realizing you may need it?” 

“He came to the store Zac, looking for me. Victoria didn’t give him my information. But he waited until you were gone.” 

“He came where?” 

“He was at the store.” 

“Are you sure it was him?” 

I nodded. “Debbie saw his tattoo, four leaf clover on his wrist. He had it when he was on the tour; I remember asking him about it. He said it was for good luck. Her description of his hair and eye color matched. It could be someone else, but I doubt it.”

“Did you call the detective?” 

“He’ll want to view the tape and they can’t access that until you’re back. But, you need to print off a picture of him and make sure all employees see it and know that they aren’t to go with him or give any information out. Female employees need to be careful.” 

“I will. You now realize it’s important to have a system?” 

“I realized the importance then, I just didn’t think it was needed. But, with him showing up there, then it would be better if there was a system here as well. I can’t do an appointment tomorrow because I have one with the doctor but if you can get them out sooner then its fine. If not, whenever they can.” 

“They can be here tomorrow after the appointment. I’ll call them. Are you going to be okay here alone?” 

“Yeah, I’ll lock the doors and probably lay back down.” 

“Sure?” 

“Yes, Zac. I’ll be fine. I promise. I’ll keep my phone with me.” 

“You better. If he shows up again I’ll call the police too.” 

“I told Tori the same thing.” 

“Okay, I’m heading back but if anything occurs, call me.” 

I gave him a kiss and a hug before he left and then locked the doors. I called the police and then I went back to the bedroom to watch more movies but I just ended up laying there. All I could really think about was that night. Had I given him some sign to indicate it’s what I wanted? He swore it was consensual even then, but I didn’t remember ever saying yes. I was confident in my story to Diana, the only times where I really couldn’t remember was right after he knocked me out. I remember falling and then coming to tied to the bed.

Aside from the blood evidence in the room, there hadn’t been any DNA on me because he made me shower. That included cleaning under my nails. Had he done it before? Was I not the first person he’d ever raped?

I’d never questioned it because why bother? He was arrested and convicted. Now, 10 years later he was still after me? Why? I ended up calling Mama Diana.

“Hey sweetie, how are you feeling?”

“Sore, swollen. I’m at home today my ankles are like twice the normal size. It’s gone down some but not much.” 

“It’s expected and you may need to have more downtime for a bit.” 

“Agreed. But, I was calling about Joshua Morgan.” 

“It’s been a while since you called me about him. Everything okay?” 

“He’s out; the detective came and told me. I got a letter at the store last week and Tori called me today and said there was a guy there asking for me. She described Joshua down to the tattoo.” 

“Did you let the detective know?” 

“Yes. He’s gone to the store now to review the tape. Zac’s aware of everything now, I told him. Tori knows about the rape but not details.” 

“Okay, so what is your question?”

“I’m sure they told you more, did they say whether I was the only person he ever went after?” 

“Is there any reason why you are asking now?” 

“I’ve been thinking about what happen and it seemed…practiced? Like the shower afterwards and him cleaning my nails. First timers just don’t think of that.” 

She was quiet for a few minutes. “You weren’t the first person Miriam.” 

“How many came before me?” 

“The detective didn’t give me names, but he said he was suspected in two rape cases and one homicide. He couldn’t be linked to any of those by anything but their words.” 

“Nothing else?” 

“No. There story was similar to yours. It was on other tours, he didn’t tell me which ones, and it was often one of the younger females on the tour. He would lure them to a room by some false pretense, he’d rape them, they would shower and then he’d have them leave.”

“But they called the police.” 

“Unfortunately, they did days later. By then the hotel room had been scrubbed clean two or three times, others had even stayed in the rooms. They had no DNA evidence to prove the rape, while the doctors only could confirm sex.”

“So, basically they waited and I didn’t?” 

“Miriam, honestly, if I hadn’t been sitting in that room when you got back. Would you have come to me? Zac? Isaac? Anyone?” 

“Probably not. I think all I wanted was to shower again and forget it happened.” 

“Exactly. You would have waited days before it finally came out. The fact that you didn’t do that and that I could read your face before you even said it, meant he was caught in the same room. Honey they had him based on those sheets alone. The baby was a nail in his coffin.”

“Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t miscarried.” 

“Well, then you’d have two adorable little ones. But, in all honesty I think maybe it was a good thing. You struggled very hard to put the rape itself behind you. I think if you had his child you’d have never done that.” 

“I’m not sure I could have kept him or her.” 

“It would be understandable.” 

“What about the homicide one?” 

“Miriam…” 

“He’s showing up at work, he’s already mailed a letter. I need to know so that I can understand the gravity of this.” 

She was quiet again for several moments before she sighed.

“The detective couldn’t give me many specifics, but she did file a claim against him for rape. She was one that filed sooner, but not soon enough. The case was dropped and several months later she was found dead in her home. That is all he could tell me. It’s still an open case.” 

“It was ruled a homicide though?” 

“Yes. He didn’t give me details but it wasn’t hard to find news articles. The paper reported she was strangled after being beaten and raped. No DNA.” 

“So, Zac’s insistence of a security system isn’t stupid and irrational?” 

“No. It’s a smart idea and one you need to follow. I know it’s a hindrance but it’s better to be safe. Especially if he’s already shown up.” 

“I’m sure Zac will be back here tonight, he’s going tomorrow and he’ll have them come out tomorrow. I just wondered if this was just some delusion that will go away.” 

“It’s been ten years Miriam, if he hasn’t forgotten in those ten; he’s not going to until he’s made to.” 

“I told Zac I didn’t fear him.” 

“Pretty sure he didn’t believe that. But it’s okay to fear him Miriam, just be safe. Know that he’s dangerous, he can hurt you and he can harm your baby even though he’s not born. Protect yourself.” 

“I will. Zac will arrange the security system and I told him to print out a photo and make sure employees know. We banned them from taking deposits at night and I’m going to make sure they move their vehicles closer and see about more men working at night. I don’t think he’ll hurt them.” 

“Doubtful, but he may. I hope he moves on when he realizes you are not stuck on him.” 

“Me too.” 

“Alright, I gotta go get Mac back on his homework. Is there anything else?” 

“No. That was it.” 

“Okay. Have a good afternoon and prop those feet up.” 

“Yes, ma’am.” 

I hung up and wasn’t sure if knowing I wasn’t the first one was a relief or just made it hurt more. But, they had told and they had tried, he was just smart. I didn’t try to find the news articles, part of me didn’t want to really know every detail. Mama Diana knew what I could handle and what I needed to know. I just tried to focus on the movie and on keeping myself from being bored. I’d fallen asleep after the last one and it was Zac’s voice that woke me up.

“Miriam?”

“Zac?” 

“It’s just me. Dinner’s ready.” 

“Dinner? What time is it?” 

“It’s after six. I left a little bit early and I didn’t want to wake you up so I went ahead and fixed dinner. But it’s almost done.” 

I sat up and got woken up some before I went to the kitchen. But on the counter were two more envelopes.

“Where did those come from?” 

“They were in the office; Tori got them from the box but had just laid them down with other stuff. The detective already viewed them but the same scenario, so many prints.” 

“Postal workers handle the envelopes too. It’s the problem with those.”

“Content the same?” 

“Pretty much.” 

“I talked to your Mom.” 

“And?” 

“I’m not the only one; I was just the only one that filed right after. The others waited days.”

“You would have too if she hadn’t been there, bout betting that a few days I would have asked.” 

“You still asked really, just didn’t know the problem.” 

“You just said it was female related.” 

I giggled. “Baby that was the only reason that I could give you, where you’d never ask me again about it.” 

“It was?” 

I nodded. “You hated anything that had to do with periods or cramps or female related issues. I didn’t want you to go ape shit on him and I knew you would. So, I when you asked me the next day what was wrong I just said female related issues.”

“And I ran for the hills?” 

“Pretty much. I’m not totally sure you really out grew that.” 

“I did. Abby was a very…talkative person. A few months and I was pretty much over it. It was sad that I knew her periods better than she did.” 

“That is sad…I’m not even sure you ever knew mine that well.” 

“Au contraire I knew yours better than Abby’s. I knew when you should be having one and roughly how long they would last. I think it came from touring because you really got bitchy during that time.” 

“Excuse you?” 

“You were more apt to bite my head off, and tell on my issues during that time.”

“Keep in mind whose bed you sleep in.” 

He came around and hugged me from behind, kissed my neck.

“I noticed because I always was in tune with your moods. Maybe bitchy was a bit much. Also, I think it eased up after fourteen or fifteen.” 

“Suck up.” 

His lips landed on my neck again and I just couldn’t be mad at him! 

“If I really want to suck up, I could just move south. Maybe…later.”

“Oh…now you’re just teasing and that’s not nice.” 

He kissed me again before he went and finished dinner. He had chosen to do spaghetti and we ate at the table.

“Did you really know something was wrong?” 

He smiled. “I did. I think I knew the next morning. You came into the room with us and the first thing you did was grab my hoodie and put it on. You tended to wear my jackets and hoodies when you felt bad. I didn’t think it was that bad though, we’d heard you had been out of contact and I just assumed Mom laid into you really heavily.” 

“Kind of wish that had been the scenario.” 

“Me too. You guys were right though. If you had told me then and I could reach him, I really would have hurt him.” 

“Killed him…” I said.

“I was sixteen, give me some credit.” 

“You beat the crap out of that guy that just touched my butt. You’d have killed him.” 

“Okay, maybe I would have. But he would have deserved it.” 

“As for your hoodies, they were comforting. There was something about the feel and the smell that just helped me calm down. I think it was years later that I realized it was just you. They brought me closer to you in a way that I was comfortable with.” 

“It’s okay, I liked your pillow. The little pink heart one. I think it was probably the same reason. See, we should have just given in years ago.” 

“We should have.”

Once dinner was finished he put up the leftovers and then we sat on the loveseat, he moved my feet into his lap and was gently rubbing them.

“You should have done this years ago.” 

He smiled. Eventually that foot massage moved up and before long it ended in the bedroom. I really wish that we’d crossed that line before, and I couldn’t wait until I could after Micah was born. 


	14. Ghost of Past

POV: Miriam

June 9, 2011

I’d been home a lot the last two weeks. Swelling was no joke. I finally woke up without ankles twice the size and feeling pretty good so I decided to go in for a few hours and check up on things. I didn’t tell anyone I was coming in including Zac. I did wear the maternity shorts and one of his t-shirts because nothing else of mine fit. At home I’d been just chilling in a shirt or pajamas.

I hadn’t mentioned to Zac that Joshua had somehow gotten my phone number around the first. The first message from him came the second and I did tell the detective. The messages weren’t threatening and I was so tired of hearing that. Considering what I knew, there had to be something they could do. So, I stopped bothering to tell the detective too. I just ignored them for the most part. 

He was still convinced that I consented; still convinced we were some couple. I’d reminded him multiple times that neither was true. He didn’t seem to understand that. When I simply refused to believe him, he started giving me details. I wasn’t questioning my own memories, I knew what happened. His versions were just bullshit.

I left the house at ten and was at the store by 10:30. The truck was here yesterday so I didn’t expect many people to be here, yet everyone seemed to be here. That was odd. I walked in and the entire front end was pretty much empty, there were two customers waiting in line.

“Hello?” I called.

Victoria came from a few isles over. “Miriam!” 

I looked at the customers waiting. “Take care of them right now.” 

Victoria is my friend but she fully understood that when she was on the clock, she was my employee first and that meant she moved to the register to handle the customers and even called Debbie up. Who didn’t speak to me until all the customers were handled. 

“It’s good to see you.” 

She gave me a brief hug but didn’t rub the belly, never had.

“I’m not so sure you’ll agree. Why was no one watching the front end? They were waiting and looked like they had been for a while.” 

“We were helping them. I’m sorry.”

“Helping them?” I asked.

“Stock crew, they didn’t get done yesterday.” Victoria said.

“Why not?” 

She shrugged and I nodded, walked past her to the general aisle, finding most of them talking instead of working. I waited for a few moments standing at the end of the aisle, fully visible but none of them paid me any attention.

“Zac doesn’t say much about her, just that she’s okay.” Donny said.

“I heard she was sick.” Steven said.

“I don’t know but he seems to be stressed beyond help.” 

“Maybe she is stressing him.” Kathy said.

I walked up. “And maybe you should stop theorizing about things and get that pallet off the damn floor. You can get the boxes off the aisle; you can get those canned items onto the shelf.”

Yep, scared the hell out of them all and they suddenly realized they had work to do! The pallet was removed and the aisle cleared. I then set off to find Zac, who was standing in the back arguing with a vendor. Dear god I leave for a week and things just fell apart! 

“I’m telling you we wouldn’t have ordered this much, we don’t sell it.” Zac said.

“It’s on the order form!” 

I snatched the order form from Zac, hoping I didn’t give him any paper cuts and looked at the driver.

“You call your boss and you tell him we aren’t accepting seven cases of something we’ve never ordered more than one of. If he has a problem with that, he can bring his ass down here and we can discuss it in person. Is that clear?” 

“I can’t…” 

“Don’t tell me you can’t call him. I have his number, but it would be far better if you called him. If I call the entire order will be sent back, I won’t accept any of it. Now call.” 

He didn’t buck that, he called his supervisor and what ya know, the order was put in wrong. Someone mistook a “one” for “seven”. We would be given credit for the six boxes and he was to leave one and he would be in today to give me the credit form.

“You..office. Now.” 

“Why are you here?” he asked.

“I woke up feeling okay. Not sure I want to leave again now. I walked in and the stock crew is gossiping about me, no one was in the front and customers were waiting, you’re arguing with a vendor. Clearly, something is up. So, we are going to the office to figure it out. I’ll wait until he leaves and then join you.” 

“You don’t want to go in the office.” 

“Oh, I have a feeling it’s a disaster too.” 

He frowned some and then moved out of the stock room. I waited for the vendor to be done and then had Donny close the door when he left. I found Michael on the dog food aisle.

“Welcome back.” 

“You’re crew needs a reminder, we don’t gossip here. Make it clear Michael, if I hear them pondering why I am out again, I will fire them all. This truck should have been out yesterday, why wasn’t it?” 

“We had vendor issues all damn day, Zac spend most of the day arguing with them. The truck was late getting here, by the time we got to putting it out it was after eleven. Granted, they worked over stock in the morning while waiting. We also tried to clean up some.” 

“That back room needs cleaning badly; I’ll give it a week. They need a reminder not to use pallets on the floor.” 

“Zac said it was okay as long as it’s in a center aisle and we’re working it with carts or buggies.” 

“This one was in the middle of the aisle. Very dangerous, no one can get around it safely. I don’t mind the back run of the store, but not the aisle.” 

“Yes, ma’am. When I finish the dog food, I’ll call a meeting and remind them.” 

“Thank you.” 

I then went to the office which really did look like a hurricane came through.

“Okay, what’s going on?”

“Nothing really, just everyone seems to want to argue. I guess they’re so use to you they think they can get away with shit with me.” 

“And you can’t let them Zac. We have the representative’s numbers, if the order is clearly wrong make them call or you call. Now, I know that’s not it.”

He sighed. “I think most of it is worrying about you being there alone.” 

“Under a security system that is linked to both my phone and yours.” 

“But even if it trips I’m far away.” 

“I’m going to be fine Zac.”

Joshua hadn’t hinted at knowing my home address, so I assured myself I was fine because of that. 

“I worry.” 

“I know, but you shouldn’t. You know you can call anytime.” 

“Are you really feeling better today?” 

“Yes. I am.” 

“Are you going to yell at me for the office?” 

“No. But you go take care of the stock and I’ll make some headway here.” 

“Sure?” 

“Get before I change my mind and make you do the invoices.”

He smiled and got up; I got several kisses before he headed to the floor. I moved to the desk and started sorting the invoices and getting them entered into the computer. 

“Miriam?” Tori asked.

“Yeah?” 

“You aren’t pissed at me are you?” 

“Not right now, no. Just, let’s not have a repeat of me walking in to find customers waiting while you gossip with the stock crew.” 

“Is everything okay?” 

“I’m fine Tori. It’s like I told you, I had problems with swelling, it happens. Doctor wanted me to rest and prop my feet up. I’m not sick. I’m not unable to move. I just needed rest basically.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t let it happen again. That guy hasn’t been back right?” 

“Not to my knowledge no.” 

“Okay.” 

She scurried out and I kept doing invoices until my hip started hurting. So I got up and went out to the floor, I couldn’t stock anything. The little bump was not so little anymore and I couldn’t really do any heavy lifting, what I could do was front face and straight up shelves. I was on the canned goods aisle just pulling almost empty boxes, front facing and making it look pretty.

“Ma’am?” he asked.

I turned to greet the person who asked and then just paused. The man standing there was very nice looking, but I knew who he was. I’d never forget his face; he’s been the driver of the car that hit us.

“Yes?” I asked.

He had no cart with him, no basket and nothing in his hands. Was he lost?

“Are you Miriam Castellano?” 

“I am.” 

“I’m not sure you know who I am.” 

“Caleb Bayne, I know exactly who you are.”

“Is there somewhere we can talk?” 

“Why do you want to talk to me?” 

“Because I feel like I owe it to you.” 

“We can step outside.” 

He followed me outside, out of earshot of the door but where Tori could see me. Pretty sure when Zac showed up she had called him but he waited inside, where he could see me.

“I feel like they’re watching us.” 

“She’s my best friend and he’s my boyfriend, they are watching us. What do you want?” 

“To tell you I’m sorry. To tell you that I never meant to hurt anyone that night and that I was a stupid fucking teenager.”

“You paid your debt Mr. Bayne, you owe me nothing.” 

He paused for several moments.

“I was at a party with friends and got wasted. I had been smoking weed as well and I made the decision to drive. I accepted responsibility for the accident but I didn’t know exactly what my one decision did until weeks later when the lawyer told me what happened and why I was being charged. He told me that I killed three people and one was in critical condition. It wasn’t until a few weeks after that he told me the ages.”

I really wasn’t sure how to respond to that, did I need to? He’d admitted to being high and wasted when he killed my family. Did that really make it any better? The ultimate answer was no, it didn’t make me feel any better. They died while he got to live. They didn’t get to see me grow up, Micah never got to reach his 4 th birthday. They would never see my son. 

“I know it probably doesn’t help you heal any. But, I wanted you to know that it wasn’t my intention to hurt anyone that night. It really was a stupid decision for me to drive. I know I can’t make it better; I can’t bring back your parents or your brother. I really wish I could. I wish that I died instead of them. They were innocent and I was the dumbass that caused the accident that took their lives.” 

“Mr. Bayne, it doesn’t matter. You’ve apologized and you accepted responsibility for the wreck. You’ve done your time.”

“I paid a debt to society, not to you personally.” 

I was confused by that statement. “What do you mean?” 

“I served ten years for society. I paid a debt to them but not to you specifically.” 

“Mr. Bayne you don’t owe me anything. You apologized. You took responsibility. Most individuals your age at the time wouldn’t have.”

“Are you sure?” 

I saw Zac being impatient by the door, he was so wanting to come out and ask what was going on, but despite being impatient, he remained by the door.. But I considered it for a moment, what would money do for me? Nothing. It wouldn’t make the past different and while it could make the future slightly easier it would never feel right.

“You really feel like you owe me something?” 

“Yes, I do.”

“I don’t want your money. If you want to do something then find the local drunk driving place and donate your story and time. Show future generations that driving while intoxicated is not a good idea. You want to repay me somehow, just prevent it from happening to someone else. Don’t let another eleven year old lose their family because of a mistake.”

“That’s all you want?” 

“Yes. Prevention helps Mr. Bayne. You giving me money or your time do nothing to help the reason or the cause. If you are serious, then donate your time and your story to one of the many programs in town. Talk to students, talk to teenagers. Show them what that one decision can do, how it can ruin not only your life but the lives of other people. I’d like to know that my son will be safe in a car, that there won’t be another seventeen year old who’s high and drunk on the road.” 

He nodded. “I can do that. Would you like some report?” 

I smiled. “Mr. Bayne I’ll know if you follow through.”

“Thank you. I wasn’t looking for forgiveness, I don’t deserve that.”

“Mr. Bayne I forgave you many years ago. I didn’t understand when I was eleven, but I did by the time I turned eighteen. You made a bad decision and it resulted in three deaths. But, you took responsibility and that meant a lot to me. You didn’t try to blame anyone else; you didn’t try to get yourself less time or to get the courts to slap you on the wrist and leave. You are forgiven from me. Only you can forgive yourself.” 

He smiled. “Thank you Ms. Castellano.” 

“You’re welcome.” 

He shook my hand before he headed to his car and I went back inside. 

“Who was that?” Zac asked.

I just hugged him; his arms always made the bad things go away. He stood there waiting, holding me tightly. 

“Miriam?” he asked.

“Caleb Bayne, he was the man that hit us on our way home. He wanted to apologize to me and he thinks he owes me something. I won’t take money so I told him if he wanted to make any payment he needed to tell his story to teens and children. Show them what can go wrong and how it can affect their lives and other’s.”

His arms tightened around me. “That’s a good plan actually.” 

“Stock rooms clean yet?” 

He laughed. “Really, you go from down to bossy?”

I smiled. “What can I say? Pregnancy hormones are making me crazy.” 

“We’re working on it. Freight is put up though so we’re cleaning up from that first then working on the room.” 

“I had to move a bit, so think I’ll head back to the invoices a while longer.”

He smiled. “Okay.” 

He headed to the back and I returned to the office, going through more invoices and getting them entered and put away. I was costing out an invoice when my phone pinged and I unlocked it to the message from Joshua. A picture message this time.

I opened it and stared for a few moments. It was of me and Caleb, from earlier. The only way he could have gotten it was if he was here or his spy was. But the camera angle was from across the parking lot. I moved it down some.

**_I see you’re back at work finally. I must say you were quite beautiful back then and it hasn’t changed. You look even more beautiful pregnant. I can’t wait til it’s our child._ **

_How many more times do I have to say it? There is no us. There never was. You lured me to that hotel room, you knocked me out, stripped me and you raped me. I didn’t lie to anyone._

**_You’ve just been conditioned to believe that lie. They couldn’t handle their perfect little girl being sexually active already. Christian morals and all. You came on your own Miriam. I am sure you remember that somewhere. I’m sure you know that didn’t happen and it was what they wanted you to say._ **

I sighed. It was the same thing; he kept telling me that it was Diana that told me to say that. But, I don’t remember her ever saying anything when I was telling her what he done or when I told the police. She only told me not to lie and to not withhold details, even if I thought they were unimportant. Like the way he lured me, I didn’t think that was important but they did. 

_In any case Joshua. I’m with someone already. You and I aren’t a thing and we won’t ever be._

**_That is not what you told me that night. You wanted forever Miriam; it’s what I told you we could have. Surely you wouldn’t back out?_ **

I just laid the phone down; arguing about it would do no good. He was convinced that Diana made me say it, convinced that I went there on my own. Convinced that I wanted forever. I was sixteen I didn’t care about forever then. I wanted to just be normal.

I wanted my family back. I wanted some normalcy that I never got.

“Ma’am?” Debbie asked.

“Yeah?” 

“Can you get me some change please?” 

“Certainly, what do you need?” 

“Everything.” 

I got her a complete round and handed it to her.

“Shouldn’t you be going home soon?” 

“I wish. Cole’s been calling out and he didn’t show up today.” 

“Okay.” 

She headed back to her register and I first checked the time clock, sure enough he had been out more than in. I found Cole’s number. He answered on the first ring for my cell phone.

“Hey Cole, are you at the store?” 

“Yes, Ma’am. What can I do for you?” 

“You can start with explaining why you are lying to me? I’m sitting in the office and you are not here. Yet your schedule says you are supposed to be. Added, you’ve been scheduled the same yet your time clock says you aren’t here when scheduled. Explain that to me.” 

The line was silent for several moments and I heard the sigh.

“I’ve been having some medical issues.” 

“Couldn’t you just tell Zac? Victoria or Timothy? It’s better than just calling out.”

“It’s a rather personal issue.” 

“Can you provide me with a doctor’s note? Something from an office or hospital? Cole you know I don’t agree with or condone excessive unexcused absences. You asked me for full time and I gave it to you because you were loyal to us and you were a very hard worker.”

“Honestly, I would rather not. But if you can assure me that only you see them. Then I will bring them in.” 

“Can you bring them today?” 

“Yes.”

“Cole, consider what you need to do medically versus what your obligation is here. If you need us to cut you back, we can. But, please, don’t just call out.” 

“Yes. Ma’am.” 

I hung up and sure enough he came in an hour later and came to the office. Closing the door behind him, he then handed me an envelope. 

“It covers the dates I called out.”

I checked the dates and confirmed them. He sat down in the chair.

“It’s my mother Miriam, she’s got cancer and we’re doing treatments but they make her so damn sick. She can’t be left alone and I thought I could manage but each time is the same.” 

“Do you want to reduce or change your schedule?” 

“I’d like to reduce for now, at least until my sister and I can work out some plan. Her bosses aren’t being very nice about time off.” 

“I’ll make a note for Tori write down what days you will be available and when.” 

I provided the paper for him and then put it where Tori would see it. 

“I’m not mad Cole. Right now I can’t have everyone calling out because I can’t come in all the time. Letting us know is better.” 

“I just didn’t want everyone to have some pity party. She’s a strong woman and she will pull through.” 

“Of course. I won’t tell Tori why you need to change just that you do. But if things need to change in the future just let her know. Tell your Mom to get better soon, cancer sucks but I know she’ll pull through this.” 

“I will. Thank you. Do you need me to stay?” 

“Did you bring a uniform?” 

“I did.” 

“You can stay if you want, Debbie would appreciate it.” 

He smiled and left the office, went and changed and before long she was counting down. I stayed until five and then headed home with Zac in tow. He insisted on fixing dinner and it was nice to have him here. We did talk a little bit about work stress; it wasn’t fair for him to have it all. But, I also knew that I couldn’t always be there. He ended up staying with me for the night, which was fine with me. I felt safer with him here and I slept better.


	15. Past Trouble

POV: Miriam

*Thank you Kristy L for the help!*

June 21, 2011

My one day back had lead to many days lying in bed bored to death. The doctor had recommended staying off my feet for extended periods of time and Diana said it would be better to stay home and just relax. It didn’t mean I didn’t help the store though, because I was really bored. Zac would send me photos of the invoices and I’d cost them and enter them on my laptop which had the same programs and they were also linked to the store’s computer. It kept him from needing to do it and gave me something to do. I also checked out invoices and saw what was and wasn’t selling. 

In addition, I was reviewing the cameras too. The employees didn’t see him but I did. Joshua came in several times and generally it was as soon as Zac was gone. He would walk around seemingly looking for me and then purchase random things or things I’d consider dinner items. He’d been through nearly every one of our cashiers except Victoria and Debbie. He rarely came through their lines and would also not come in when they were away from the front end. 

I had video proof but the problem was I wasn’t at work when he came in. The location is listed because it’s my work place, but I wasn’t there and on days where I was he never came in. I called the detective at 9 am.

“Detective Harris.” 

“It’s Miriam Castellano.” 

“Hey, how are you feeling?” 

“He’s making me swell up like a balloon but overall I’m okay.”

“Has he come near you?” 

“Not that I’m aware of. Detective he still messages me though, mostly the exact same thing I sent you. You were the detective I spoke to then. Did you ever feel like I lied to you?”

“No. You’re story never varied Ms. Castellano. Added, there was evidence that backed up your story. I assume he’s telling you things were different?” 

“How did you know?” 

“It’s how he operated. His three rape victims that reported dropped the charges because he convinced them that it was consensual. He couldn’t do that with you right after because we arrested the son of a bitch.”

“Detective, Diana told me one of his victims died…can you tell me how?” 

“I’m not sure you knowing would help.” 

“I just want to know. But, I also need help Detective. He’s not backing off.”

“The third person who filed. She wouldn’t recant her statement but she waited so long afterwards that we had nothing. He had an audio tape of her saying yes and they refused to prosecute. Couple months later she was found dead in her apartment by the landlord. She’d been raped, beaten and then strangled. We suspect it was him, but there was no DNA left behind. Tell me everything he’s done.” 

It really wasn’t much, he’d been to the store several times and he’d sent text messages continually. He listened to the messages as well as my replies. Which usually was short now, because he didn’t listen.

“I’ll pay him a visit. He’s barred from contacting you and its clear those messages are him, my boss is just a dumbass. So, I will go visit. The store is tricky, because you aren’t there. It’s public. Has he done anything to indicate he’s looking for you?” 

“He asked once. But not since.” 

“Okay, I’ll go visit him and tell him he needs to back off. He maybe skirting a bit but he may back off if I visit.” 

“If he doesn’t?”

“Then you tell me and I’ll handle it.” 

“Thank you.” 

“Anytime.” 

I hung up. It felt better telling someone and perhaps a visit would work. I didn’t intend to go anywhere but about 11 my phone pinged and I picked it up. It was another message from Joshua, only it wasn’t a picture of me. It was a picture of Zac and Carrie.

_You say he’s your boyfriend…father of your baby…then why is he talking to her Miriam? From what I’ve heard, she’s his ex girlfriend. She’s been here several days in a row, always talking to him. I wonder if she’ll be here today?_

He hadn’t mentioned talking to her, not since they broke up anyway. I stared at that picture for what reason I didn’t know. But, I finally called Tori.

“Hey MJ, how you feeling?”

“Perplexed. Has Carrie been in the store?” 

“Carrie…? You mean Zac’s ex?” 

“Only Carrie I would care about Tori.” 

Her silence was really all I needed to confirm that she had been there.

“She has been, yes.” 

“Any idea why?” 

“She doesn’t really ask for him or anything. She actually bought groceries the first time she came in. She came in yesterday but he was up here, she tried to talk to him but he was just too busy. There was like five vendors back to back and he was trying to keep up with them.” 

“And before that?” 

“Miriam…You can’t think he’d go back to her.” 

“Not what I’m worried about. But, thank you.”

“Are you coming in?” 

“Doubtful.” 

“Okay. Feel better.” 

I hung up and went to fix lunch and realized I kind of needed to buy stuff before I could. I contemplated it and what I really wanted was a burger! So I changed into something comfortable and then left the house. I went to Burger King. It really wasn’t the best but damnit sometimes it’s just what you want. I was considering which store was closer when another picture came from Joshua.

_Third day in a row…interesting._

The picture was of Carrie walking into the store. Okay, so I was a bit jealous and her showing up now just wasn’t what I wanted. I had no idea what I’d say or do, but I be damned if she was going to try to hurt him again. So, I maneuvered my car to the right lane and headed to the store. I was glad that the cashiers were busy with customers and I got the normal hi in response to the doors beep. But, none of them looked up or saw me. Tori was probably in the office so she didn’t see me either. That meant no one announced my entrance into the store.

I moved through the entire store but saw neither of them which confused me. That couldn’t be a good sign. I was near the dairy side so I went into the back there, walked slowly trying to listen for voices. I didn’t hear them until I reached the other side of the store. I paused at the corner..

“I don’t know what you want from me Carrie.” He said.

“You should. I told you for over a year. I wanted commitment Zac. I wanted something from you that said you wanted to be there. You never would do that.” 

“Pressuring me into some commitment wasn’t going to ever work Carrie. You know that moving in was a big step.” 

“I thought it was a step in the right direction, one that said you were willing to give up some of your friend time for me. I thought you wanted to move forward with our relationship. Moving in was one step closer to proposal but you never seemed to want that.” 

“It didn’t matter if I did Carrie, you didn’t give me time.” 

Zac had been pretty adamant about moving in being a good thing for them, they got along so well and they were a good couple. I didn’t like her that much but it never stopped me from wishing them well. I tolerated her because I thought eventually they would reach a more permanent status, but it never happened.

“Time? How much time did you need Zachary? Two years we were together. How much more time did you need to realize that you wanted to be there with me?” 

“You realize that most people are together for many years before they go down some aisle.” 

“Just…come back to me Zac. I’ve thought about it and it really was wrong of me to make you choose between me and Miriam. Honestly, I thought you’d choose me. I mean, you told me you loved me and yet you still chose her. You still left.”

I blinked. He never mentioned that to me when he told me about their last argument. But, she fucking made him choose? How dare she! Yet, he’d left her and chosen me and we weren’t even together then. I was simply his friend. He had been serious with Carrie, but he’d still chosen me.

“You were trying to make me chose Carrie, which was wrong. You wanted me to stop talking to her all together that is not how a girlfriend acts. She never did anything to you.” 

“She hated me Zac. She tolerated when I was around just because you were there. I’m not stupid, she doesn’t like me. But I didn’t expect you to just choose her and you didn’t even think about it. The moment I said me or her you chose her. An hour later you were packed and gone. But, I want us to be together and to eventually get married and have kids.” 

I started to say something but if that’s what he really wanted then it would be unfair to make him stay with me. Even if I really wanted him to. I couldn’t see around the corner, but he wasn’t saying anything to that. 

“I know you want to have this big wedding and you want to settle down and have children. I’ll wait for you, as long as you need. Just please come back to me. I love you.” 

I heard him say her name, just her name but the inner com came on and Debbie’s voice filtered over the area.

“Zac I need you up front, please. Repeat, Zac I need you up front.” 

Tori was in the building, why would she need Zac? Unless Tori was also on a register and she couldn’t handle whatever came up.

“I gotta go take care of that.”

“I’ll wait here.” 

“I don’t know what she needs or why she needs me. It could be a while.” 

I could hear her sigh and I was sure neither of us were stupid here, he’d just used that call to end the conversation. A few moments later the swinging doors opened and closed. 

Carrie wanted him back and maybe that was the best option for him. After all, I had very big baggage with me in the form of a child. Something that would be around for a very long time. I peeked around the corner to make sure both of them had left before I moved out from the corner.

I waited a bit to give her time to get out of the store before I came out to find him. I wasn’t listening to anything just watching where I was walking, I turned up aisle three. I walked a few steps and then looked up to see if anyone was on the aisle and fuck, there they were! It was far too late to back up, because she saw me. Had stopped mid-sentence, of what sounded like she was asking him to come back again. 

I stopped right where I was, ten feet behind Zac. Watched her eyes move from him to me, down to that very evident pregnant belly and then back to him. I didn’t need to ask how she felt; I could see it in her eyes. I could already see the wheels turning. Zac turned to see what she was looking at.

“Miriam?” 

“Hi.” 

I couldn’t really read his expression at all, which was odd.

“It fucking makes sense now.” Carrie said.

“What are you talking about?” Zac asked.

“How long were you fucking her behind my back? You were always over there!”

“Carrie, I wasn’t doing that.” 

“Oh no? She just has a fucking pillow under her shirt? From the looks of it she got pregnant right about the time you left. What did you do then? Leave me and fall into her bed?”

He really had slept in my bed that night, but nothing had happened. 

“She is pregnant but I wasn’t with her while I was with you.”

I was confused because he had the prime chance to say the baby wasn’t his, yet he wasn’t saying that. I started to say something but she spoke before I could.

“Yeah right. Don’t stand here and lie to my face when the proof is right fucking there. You always chose her over me. It didn’t matter what it was, you were always under her ass. I can see why now, it explains why you didn’t want to have sex with me.”

“Carrie.”

“Whatever Zachary, you clearly don’t need me to have the perfect little family. You don’t need me to have that family like you said you wanted. Not when you have that bitch. You can have fun with his cheating ass ways and he can have you and the bastard child.” 

“Bastard child? No, bitch you have that very wrong. He deserves someone that will be there for him and you clearly aren’t it. I’d appreciate you leaving and not coming back.” I said.

She looked at Zac for some resolve in that statement. 

“Zac?” 

“He’s not a bastard child Carrie. You can leave now and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t come back as well.” 

“Two years I wasted on you and I knew when I met her and saw how you two interacted that you were fucking her but I believed you. Fuck you Zac.” 

Tori had appeared at the end of the aisle, but Carrie huffed past her and Tori followed. He turned around to face me.

“What are you doing here?” 

“Realized I needed groceries at home.”

“Tori didn’t call you?”

I shook my head but he got my hand and while he may have intended to drag me off, it was more of a shuffle because I couldn’t walk that fast anyway. I wondered if he was mad or something because he wasn’t saying much. 

Once we were in the stock room though he pulled me to him and that was a kiss that kind of left me breathless. 

“I don’t think I care how you knew, I’m just glad you were here.” 

“Why?” 

“I’ve told her two days in a row that I didn’t want to go back. Maybe if she’d asked me earlier but I know where I want to be now and it’s not with her. I told her I was with someone; guess she didn’t think it would be you.”

“Oh, she figured it was me. She just didn’t want to believe it. But, what did she mean by you wouldn’t have sex with her. I’m pretty sure you didn’t wait that long.” 

He sat down on the pallets that were beside us but I chose to stand here in front of him.

“Last couple of months we were together I just wasn’t interested.”

“You? Not interested in sex? I might have believed that before April but I don’t now.” 

“You just want me to be all red faced and shit.” 

I leaned over and kissed his forehead. “I know other ways to get that, but come on. It sounds like things were fine until the end, what was going on? And why didn’t you tell me that bitch made you choose?” 

“I didn’t tell you for that exact reason; I knew you’d be mad.” 

“How could I be? You chose me over her.” 

“And you didn’t know why I did or why I would have.”

“And the not interested in sex part?” 

“Do you ever give up?” 

“No.” 

“It’s your fault.”

“How is it my fault?”

“Fourth of July.”

“What about it? What was so significant about that day?” 

“You were the cause of my issues when I was younger; I just assumed it was because you were the only non-related female around. But, July I couldn’t tell which one of you my brain wanted to drag off. That was until we were alone and I didn’t want to.” 

“Are you saying she just didn’t turn you on? Suddenly?” 

“Kind of.” 

“Zachary.” 

“She wasn’t you.”

I stood there a few minutes, realization that when he says he’s liked me as more than a friend, he wasn’t kidding and it’s apparent it’s been years. 

“Tori didn’t tell me she was here.” 

“Did you just..show up?” 

“No.” 

“Miriam.” 

“I called the detective this morning, he’s not backing off. I watched back tapes and he comes in when you leave, never when I’m here. He’s also still messaging me and that’s how I knew. He sent me photos.” 

“Still? You told me he stopped.” 

I moved some of his hair. “I didn’t want you to be here and just w0rry about me all the time.” 

“I don’t mind worrying about you. Hell, I do that anyway.” 

“You’ve been at my home more than yours. I feel safe there. But, I let the detective know. I know why he sent the photos to me, but I trust you and I know you don’t cheat.”

“I just wish you’d inform me.” 

I handed him my phone. “They’re still there.” 

He scooted to the edge and smiled. “I’ll read them later.” 

I giggled when his hands went under my shirt. “You realize anyone can walk in?” 

“Isn’t that supposed to make it hotter?” 

“Being caught by our own employees isn’t good.”

His hand moved to the baby belly and he kissed me. “It’s just six weeks after he’s born right?” 

“Normally.” 

I moved my hands down to his ass. “But just because every position is now uncomfortable, doesn’t mean you can’t come over.”

“Not fair. I like fairness.” 

“It doesn’t always have to be that way.” 

“I believe in fairness too.”

“You didn’t tell Carrie the baby wasn’t yours. Why not?” 

There was another breathless kiss before he laid his forehead against mine.

“His genetics may not be mine, but he is my son. He’ll always be mine Miriam. I don’t care what anyone else says.” 

“Are you trying to make me cry?” 

“No. But it’s true. There is no reason for anyone to assume he’s not mine. Obviously close family and friends know, but to the outside world they’ll never even know. Now, you came for groceries and since I can’t convince you to get all naked here I suppose I should help you shop.” 

“Distraction 101.” 

“Yep. Because if not I won’t be able to leave for a bit.” 

“I’m telling you…just come home with me.” 

He didn’t say no but he didn’t agree either, but we did get busy shopping. He walked with me so if there was something on a high shelf he could get it. He didn’t come home with me though, but at least the bags were light and I made a few trips. Maybe I could convince him later! Joshua didn’t send anymore messages though; maybe he realized it would be pointless? 

I got a good night message from him later that night but I did miss when he wasn’t here. 


	16. You Must

POV: Zac

July 2, 2011

I had stayed with Miriam last night, Joshua hadn’t given up and since the detective visited him, he’d just stepped up his messages trying to convince her that the rape never happened and it was all consensual. I really just wanted the bastard to show up when I was here. She didn’t need this stress and pressure right now.

I woke up to her phone ringing and I answered it.

“Morning Tori.” 

“I didn’t know you were there. She okay?” 

“She’s still asleep and unless you’re dying I’m not waking her up.” 

“Would I ever ask you to wake a pregnant lady?” 

“You did last weekend and she was ill all day. I want her in the best possible mood today.” 

“Hah, you still aren’t getting laid dude.”

“Not my reason Tori. But, when she wakes I’ll have her call you.” 

“No need. I was just seeing what she was doing and by the sounds of it, you have plans already.” 

“I do. She’s busy today.”

“Okay. You go try to be busy.” 

I shook my head and hung up; since I was awake I went ahead and got up easily to let her sleep. She’d been up and down a lot last night. I wanted her rested and not be ill as crap today. She was already going to be pissy with me anyway when I tell her the plans. I fixed a big breakfast and then fixed a picnic lunch. When she came into the main room she eyed the picnic basket and the plates.

“You realize I had planned to just be lazy under the air conditioner right?” 

“I do.” 

“Picnic on the couch could be fun though.” 

She settled down for breakfast and I didn’t change anything until after she’d gotten better woken up and had food. 

“We won’t be picnicking on the couch.” 

“Well, I kind of figured that much.”

“I know you’ve said you don’t want them but I really do think you should do maternity pictures.” 

“I don’t need a reminder of how big I am honey. I think you’ve taken enough with your phone.” 

“My phone pictures aren’t professionally taken. They’re not the ones you deserve.” 

She sat back. “Same principle Zac. Although, let me guess…You’ve already set up an appointment somewhere?” 

“I have.” 

She looked at the picnic basket and then me.

“You realize that it’s going to feel like a sweltering heat to me? It’s going to be hot and I’m going to be hotter.”

“I know but I kind of covered that too.”

“How?” 

“Turner Falls Park.” 

She knew the place because we’d been there before. There were pictures of us there actually.

“Hold up…not only do you want me to have this constant reminder that I’m a beached whale…you want me to do that in a bathing suit? I don’t even have one that fits. And you want me to be walking around on slippery rocks? You aren’t selling this idea very well.” 

“No bathing suit. I have a few outfits picked out and ones that are easy to change and don’t require a lot of changing or being nude because I wouldn’t dare ask for nudes there. Here maybe. As for the rocks you won’t be there alone.” 

“No bathing suit? Multiple outfits?”

I clearly wasn’t selling this right so I leaned forward some; maybe I need to be a little clearer.

“The photographer gave me some pointers on the outfits and what you should wear under it. I found a nice strapless nude bra and a pair of boy shorts to match. I have a white dress that should fit well and a nice brown skirt with a white top. She also has some stuff she’s bringing.” 

Her brow rose. “She?” 

“I figured you may feel more comfortable with a female photographer.”

“White dress?”

“Yes.” 

“In water…?”

“In that dress you won’t be in the water really, more like on the side or something. She mentioned having some fabric that could work for the water aspect that way it’s not hard to change.” 

“You know that place is going to be packed right?” 

“She has a spot that’s not near the crowd.” 

She appeared to be thinking but must have come to the terms that I’d covered the bases.

“You absolutely think I need to do this?” 

“Yes. He’s the first. Even if you never do them again, I think you should now.” 

She sighed and then finished breakfast; I wouldn’t consider this a win until she fully agreed. But when she finished eating she leaned back again. 

“You owe me for this. I see a major foot rub in your future.” 

“Hah, I’m already ahead of you. I expected that.” 

“Fine. If you think I’m doing nudes there you are nuts though.” 

“I didn’t think you’d do them at all.” 

“If you want one, you can take it.”

“I’ll consider it. In the meantime…You should probably start getting ready.”

She groaned but did head to the shower after she’d finished eating. I cleaned up the dishes and then headed to the bedroom. We would start with the white dress as the photographer suggested it would be easier. So, I laid out the new underwear and the dress for her and then laid out something for myself. I then joined her in the shower.

“Being mean to yourself?” 

“I am, but I know you have trouble with your hair.” 

“I’ve already washed my hair.” 

“In that case, I’ll just assist.” 

Had you told me five years ago she’d trust me with a razor I’d have laughed at you. But, now that she couldn’t bend over to shave herself I had assisted.

“I’ll be glad when I can feel like I can do things for myself again.” 

I giggled. “You act like I mind.” 

She just smiled and once she was done she got out to get dressed while I finished up my own shower. By the time I came out my laid out clothes had been changed.

“What was wrong with jeans and a t-shirt?” 

“You are not wearing some band t-shirt or comically inclined shirt. You talked me into this we do it the right way.” 

“A plain white shirt?” 

“Yes, you don’t want to blend in.” 

“Kacki shorts?”

“Cooler and matches better.” 

“Want to change my underwear choice too?” 

“Keep on and I will…” 

I held my hands up and didn’t say anything else. The white dress was perfect. Spaghetti straps and it came down a bit longer on the sides. She kept moving it around though.

“Problem?” 

“I haven’t worn anything that truly fit in months. It’s just not feeling normal.” 

She chose white flip flops and I chose sandals because once we’re in the water it wouldn’t matter anyway. I then made sure we had lots of water and snacks before we headed to the park. The drive didn’t take too long but once there I had to call the photographer to see where she was. The place was packed but she came down to the parking lot. It was already after one.

“Ms. Castellano?” She asked.

Miriam turned. “That’s me.” 

“I’m Rebecca Thompson from Creative Art Photography. How are you feeling?” 

“Little warm.” 

“It’s a bit warm today but we have a few things planned. I told him to bring a lunch because I need food too, I have mine so we can get to the location and while we have lunch we can plan some things.” 

“Sounds like a plan.” 

It was a big day here but we got the items we had and followed her on a short hike. It wasn’t steep, rough, or otherwise a hard walk. She also kept a slow pace talking to Miriam about potential places. Once she showed us the little river area we’d be using she seemed to perk up a bit. Miriam chose the table and we sat down. The three of us had lunch and she talked about the possible poses and locations. The more she talked the more Miriam perked up. 

After eating she started with singles of her by having me help her to a point about five feet from the bank, on a little out crop of rocks that were dry. She took several of her there, some with her hands holding the baby bump, others with them above and below. 

There was one in particular I loved; she was standing more away from the water than near it. Her hands were resting above and just to the side. Just the way the light hit her from behind, how it made this glow around her I just knew I wanted that one.

There was another one she did where she was sitting amongst the rocks, propped up on her elbows. It really showed off the bump and the way her head was leaned back made her hair just shine and it gave her a glow.

“Alright Zac, get in there. Can you…maybe get rid of the shirt?” 

Miriam just smiled and I started to argue but two women against me? I was doomed, so I laid my shirt with our basket and made my way to her, still sitting.

“Behind her.”

I settled in a spot behind her. “You planned this whole shirtless thing didn’t you?” 

“Maybe.”

I moved in closer and I knew she was taking photos, I was sure these would turn out just as good as those of her alone. But, as we sat here, staring at each other I couldn’t help but feel it. The deep down feeling that had surfaced from time to time. The way she looked at me so foreign from what I was use to that it could only be a look that was meant for someone she really loved. I could feel him kicking my hand.

She then moved us from sitting to standing and even moved us a bit into the water.

“Oh that got cold.” I said.

“Feels good to me.” She said.

She got some similar to the sitting, just staring but she also got some with the kiss. One that kind of blew my mind, the way her hands were touching me. I was so glad she came along with these. After these two areas she had her change. The brown skirt came down to the ground, but wouldn’t come over the belly and she groaned.

“That was the idea.” I said.

The shirt was the same, it buttoned and she requested just the top two, exposing the full belly. She wasn’t thrilled but once she was back in the water and I was watching the camera it was clear they were going to be perfect. 

She got a far off image of her standing on the banks, the water behind her and around her feet. The way the light cast behind her, illuminating her hair and just the serene look on her face as she looked down at where he rested, cradled safely in her womb. I couldn’t wait to see her holding him. I loved these photos. She shooed me back out with her, a last without my shirt.

“Alright, I want you to kiss her temple, hands together on this side.” 

I could feel him moving again and she looked serene and even after the temple kiss she couldn’t let it be, she had to kiss me.

“You realize that’s going to be the first one caught on camera.” 

“It’s fine.” 

She took a quick break after this for water and for her to sit down for a little bit. I was glad for my damn shirt back, I was glad we were kind of secluded too because even though Isaac, myself or our younger siblings were never popular, people still tried to photograph us. 

We took another break after that session and she presented her with the outfits or well, just long pieces of fabric and lace she brought. Miriam and I both were a little indifferent but she explained a bit and Miriam went along with it. 

“You could have gotten a bathing suit.” She said.

“No one’s around.” I said.

The photographer used some kind of cloth tape just to keep it up and it was so pretty on her. I again helped her from the bank to an outcropping of rocks and once she was there safely, she had me stay for a few more of us and the wind was so cooperative. I leaned in for a kiss and the wind kicked the extra fabric up and out behind her. She got a few more with me then I found my way back to the bank.

The photographer was checking something on her camera and I was just admiring Miriam standing there overlooking the water. I got several pictures of her myself and then she began again. The way the light was hitting her face, caused a back light effect, I could see the outline of her body perfectly through the fabric. The pure innocence of the image before me made me wish I’d been braver far sooner. 

“I think God was smiling today, these are turning out so good.” She said.

“They are.” 

“Not saying the ones with you were bad, they were amazing too. Are you excited to be having a son?” 

“I am.” 

She got a few more before she had me take the lace out to her and change them, that way she didn’t have to move. 

“I love this lace.” 

“Of course you’d love it more without the underclothes.” 

“Of course.” 

I wrapped the lace around her and then used the same tape pieces to secure it. I then made my way back to the shore. 

“Miriam, do you feel like getting a little deeper?” 

“I can. I may need help though.” 

“Let’s get a few there, and then I’ll get you down in the water. May even lay down.” 

“Zac, do I have anything dry to wear home?” 

I smiled and nodded. I’d remembered to bring something cooler and comfy for her to wear when done. She got several pictures of her with the lace and then I moved out and assisted her down into the water some, about thigh high.

Those poses and the ones of her lying down with the lace not covering the belly might be my favorite. Once she was out of the water and dried off I helped her change. Mainly by holding up the towel so she could put the dry bra on. I’d brought a button up shirt of mine and her maternity shorts. Once she’d changed she and I talked with the lady some more. 

“I’ll bring you to the studio next Saturday and you can choose from the edits. I may stay here a while though, they’re doing fireworks tonight.” 

“That would be awesome.” 

“I can do some with the fireworks behind you.” 

“Would it be better for the larger ones in town?” I asked.

“Probably, we could take a break I know you’re getting hot out here. You can let her rest a while and we can meet back up in the park by the river. I have a spot in mind.” 

“You wouldn’t mind?”

“No. Actually, I’ve never done maternity fireworks so it should be fun and creative. Also, wear whatever you want.” 

Miriam seemed very excited about that so once we left we ran a few errands and then went home for a bit. She opted for a nap and while she napped I browsed the photos I had taken. So many good ones. I fixed us dinner which we had before going to the river. I’d sent Allen, Tori, and others a message so they met us here for the fourth fireworks. I’d added a button up shirt but otherwise we hadn’t changed clothes. I think these would turn out well too and she did a few singles but most were of us both and she even got our friends and family in the pictures. The very last one was actually a family picture. 

“I think these will be fantastic!” She said.

“I hope so! I love fireworks so much.” Miriam said.

She showed her some of them and she was so happy. I decided to stay with her tonight too and when we got back it was kind of late. She changed into a gown and we sat on the sofa. 

“Tired?” I asked.

“Beyond tired.” 

I kissed her forehead. “I promise, no going anywhere tomorrow. We’ll just be veggies on the sofa and binge movies.” 

“Sounds like heaven to me.”

I hadn’t even turned the TV on, just enjoying the silence of the day. When her phone beeped she sighed and picked it up. We both knew the tone was Joshua but the picture he sent was from the park today, long way off but it was of us.

**_I really wish I had been closer to you today, wish it was me instead of him. You know you want to be with me._ **

Neither of us replied but she forwarded the message to an e-mail for the detective.

“He’s probably going to have to do more than just talk to him.” 

“Probably. But it doesn’t matter.” She said.

“It does to me.” 

“So…I know I gave you weeks of grief over the pictures and not wanting them. But, I think I’m glad we did them.” 

“Oh?” I asked.

“She showed me some and they do look far better than they did in my head.”

“Mm...do I still get my nudes then?” 

“I repeat…only if you take them and no one else can ever see them.” 

“You drive a hard bargain but you know that’s possible. Can take them here, in front of the fireplace.” 

She giggled. “Maybe tomorrow. Too tired right now.” 

“Why don’t we head to bed then? Been a long day.” 

“I can totally see sleep being the best thing.” 

I got up and helped her up. We went through the process of brushing our teeth and getting ready before we lay down. She always cuddled and I loved that about her. That she wanted to be close, that she didn’t mind my hand over her waist even if it was hot. She was sound asleep before me and I just kissed her cheek before drifting off myself.

 

 

Here are the links to the places mentioned. :) 

<http://www.turnerfallspark.com/>

<http://morelandphoto.com/blog/creative-maternity-photo-ideas-knot-river/>


	17. Shattered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****WARNING****  
>  This and future chapter's contains potential triggers from stillbirths, attempted suicide, and dealth. Please, DO NOT READ if you believe these will cause emotional or physical reactions. 

****WARNING****  
This and future chapter's contains potential triggers from stillbirths, attempted suicide, and dealth. Please, DO NOT READ if you believe these will cause emotional or physical reactions. 

POV: Zac

July 15, 2011

The maternity pictures had turned out so good, we’d ordered the prints and canvases last weekend and she shocked me by allowing Rebecca to do some nudes in the studio. I opted to avoid being in those but they were going to be special ones for sure. She claimed she looked huge, I think she’s beyond beautiful. 

She, however, has stayed at home. She just wasn’t feeling all that energetic and rest was far more important. But, I tried to hold the fort down the way she would, made it easier if she snuck back in on us. I had closed last night and was going back in this morning but about four am my phone rang. I groggily looked at the name, seeing a photo of Miriam.

“Hello?” 

She didn’t need to say anything for me to know something was off.

“Miriam? Honey, what’s wrong?”

“I feel so sick; I don’t think this is normal.” 

“Do you want me to ask Mom?” 

“No…but can you just come over? Maybe I’m being dumb and overreacting.” 

“Let me get dressed and I’ll be over.”

“Thank you.” 

I dragged myself out of the bed and changed into something I think was clean and then headed over. I sent Victoria a message to tell her I wouldn’t be there in the morning unless she felt better. I didn’t need to knock or anything, I just used my key.

“Miriam, it’s just me.”

I only called out so it didn’t scare her when I came into the room, which she didn’t seem to care. I stripped back down and crawled into the bed, putting my arm over her waist.

“Still feel bad?” 

“I just feel really dizzy. Better now that you’re here.” 

I smiled and nuzzled her neck some. “I told you I should just stay here.” 

She yawned. “Maybe you’re right.” 

I kissed her cheek but her skin felt very warm, she kind of looked back at me when I felt her forehead.

“You feel very warm.” 

“I have a feeling I might have caught whatever Zoe had.” 

“Maybe…we’ll see how you feel in the morning.” 

She drifted off to sleep but I was awake for another hour before I drifted off too. I didn’t pay attention to the phone at all, pretty sure Tori was just calling to see why I wasn’t coming in. What did wake me up; was her whimpering and the death grip on my hand. My eyes opened to the bright sunshine and I rose up.

“Miriam?”

There were tears running down her face and I wondered if she’d gone into pre-term labor. I wiped her face off and it still felt so hot. 

“Honey? What’s wrong?” 

“My side hurts.” 

“Left or right?” 

“Right.” 

She was lying on that side so maybe it was why; I sat up and pushed the cover back but paused. She’d not been wearing much to bed but a shirt, which was not shocking but the bright red wasn’t normal.

“Miriam…do you feel anything on your legs?” 

“Honestly? I think I may have wet the bed but I just can’t move to get up.” 

I was no expert but that was clearly blood and there shouldn’t have been any blood unless she was in labor, right? Blood during pregnancies is not good.

“Can you switch sides?” 

I assisted her in moving sides but I wasn’t sure how to explain that she hadn’t wet the bed.

“You didn’t wet the bed, but I think you need to go to the hospital.” 

“Why? It’s probably Braxton’s.” 

“It’s not that, what you feel is blood Miriam.” 

She looked at me utterly confused. “Blood?” 

“Yes. Let me get dressed and then we’ll get you in something and get you to the hospital.” 

I took all of two minutes to put clothes on, I think my shirt was inside out but I didn’t care. I then found her some pants to put on that would be easy. Being around three little sisters and her during puberty meant periods I could deal with. So, the location and blood didn’t really bother me. She refused to get dressed without at least wiping it off, so I helped her to the bathroom and assisted before helping her put the pants on and then to the car. She even had a towel to put over the seat just in case. 

I wasn’t sure how, but I know the drive from her house to the hospital was far longer than ten minutes, but I was in the emergency room doors in ten minutes. I went in and got someone, two nurses came out with a wheelchair and while they took her inside I parked and was back inside within minutes, just in time to ride up to labor and delivery. She was death gripping my hand but I’d be fine as long as she didn’t break it.

“Ms., when did the pain begin?” 

“About seven or seven thirty.”

“The dizziness?” 

“Was coming and going yesterday, I just thought it was another hormonal thing.” 

“It can be. The fever?” 

“I didn’t notice it, but he mentioned it around 4:30 when he got there.” 

She looked at me. “She felt hot to me when I kissed her cheek. Her forehead was hot too.” 

She wrote down something and they did check her, she had a fever of 101, clearly not normal. The nurse looked at me.

“When did the bleeding begin?”

“I’m not sure, it had to be recent. She woke me up around 8:45, whimpering and killing my hand. When I sat up to move her I noticed it.” 

They were changing her into a gown now and then the nurse was getting a Doppler. 

“Have you felt him move?” She asked.

“He’s usually not moving right now…” 

She was moving the wand over her abdomen and I moved to the side of the bed. I was expecting the familiar whoop whoops of his heartbeat but the room remained so quiet as she moved it around.

“Nurse?” Miriam asked.

“Let me get the doctor, sometimes a sonogram is better. He may be behind the placenta.” 

She fled the room so fast that I barely had time to register she’d left. Was she new? Was she inexperienced? I wasn’t sure but it felt off.

“That was odd…what’s going on?” She asked.

“I don’t know, but it’ll be okay.”

Another nurse came in, clearly someone with more experience and she tried the same Doppler. It was clearly uncomfortable to Miriam as I saw the wince of pain several times. But, she was quiet as she moved the Doppler around and again, the room was quiet. 

“Is that normal?” Miriam asked.

“No, but he could be behind the placenta as she said. We’re getting the sonogram machine now and Dr. Anderson is going to check for us. He’s well experienced at odd complications.” 

I could feel her hand shaking in mine. A machine was brought in and hooked up, and then a tall well built African American man came in. He introduced himself as Dr. Anderson and explained he was going to perform a sonogram. Once he was set up he kept the little screen facing him. 

“Doctor Anderson?” She asked.

“When was your last sonogram?” 

“Twenty weeks, that was…March.” 

“March 24.” I said.

I’d never forget that date.

“Have you had any complications? Problems?” 

“No. What’s going on?” 

“Do you recall where the doctor said your placenta was?” 

She looked at me confused, this wasn’t what she wanted to hear, more questions.

“She didn’t really say but I recall one of our pictures she’s marked it as somewhere above his head. Why are you asking?” I asked.

He turned to the bed, completely professional and just by the expression on his face it wasn’t going to be good.

“I’m sorry; I can’t find your baby’s heartbeat. I’ve tried every place and I should detect it easily with the sonogram machine. I’m sorry.” 

“You can do something, right?” Miriam asked.

He got her other hand. “There’s nothing I can do, ma’am. I’m going to call your primary doctor and he can discuss your options with you. I’m sorry.” 

“What are you saying?” She asked.

He took a deep breath but the older nurse stepped up and she reminded me of my mother in some regards to the softness her face took on, the caring expression when they were telling you that your puppy died.

“Ma’am, we’re very sorry but your baby has died in utero. There is nothing we can do. You’re primary physician can discuss options on what to do from here.” 

The world seemed to stand still and seemed to just shatter into a million pieces at the same time. Her grip seemed to just fade on my hand.

“Died?”

Her voice sounded so far away, so foreign and I was sure her entire world had just shattered as well. 

“Yes, ma’am. I’m terribly sorry.” 

“No, no. Stop fucking around and tell me what’s wrong.” 

They didn’t reply to her, but her heart rate monitor was going insane, it was climbing rapidly.

“Ma’am, please, calm down some.” 

“No, he’s not dead. You’re fucking around with me and this is not funny! I want my fucking doctor right now!”

“Miss...” She said.

Miriam was continuing to get upset, which to me was understandable. But, nothing I or the nurses were saying or doing was helping. Her heart rate was through the roof when I saw a nurse approach her side and a moment later she was giving her a shot.

“What the fuck?” Miriam asked.

She rubbed her arm, clearly it had hurt but it didn’t take long to realize what they’d given her, she started calming and then just laid back.

“Did you have to do that?” I asked.

“Yes, she was getting to a point of extreme. We’d rather put her to sleep for a little bit than for her to get hurt or attempt to hurt us.” He said.

“Is what you say really true?” 

“Yes. She won’t be out very long, but we’re going to step out so she doesn’t see us first. I’ll call her primary and he can come discuss options with you both.” 

I nodded and they left the room. I kind of sank next to her. He was dead and there was nothing we could do. How could that be? She was fine. But seeing how upset she was and not having a damn clue what to do I got my phone. Ignored the messages from Tori and called my mom’s cell. I wasn’t sure I could do this without her.

“Morning Zachary.” 

“Can you please come to the hospital?” 

She was quiet for a moment. “Zachary, what’s wrong?” 

A few tears fell from my eyes. “He died Mom. They can’t save him and she just…she flipped out. I don’t know what to do and I need you. She’s going to need you too.” 

“You mean…I’m on my way. What room are you in?” 

“Delivery room four.”

“I’ll be there.” 

I hung up and while I knew I should tell others, I didn’t want to. I wanted it to be a nightmare and one I’d wake up from. I held her hand, waiting for her to wake up and thankfully Mom was walking into the room when she started moving. So she was right there when she woke up.

“Mama Diana?” 

“Hey sweetie.”

“How..?”

“I called her Miriam. I knew she needed to be here.” 

“Nothing is wrong, they’re just…” 

It took her several minutes to remember what the doctor said, her breathing started to become kind of shallow and rapid as she remembered. 

“Miriam, look at me. Deep breaths.” Mom said.

Mom coached her through that panic attack, which thankfully didn’t last too long. 

“They had to have lied to me…it can’t be.” 

“I’m sorry honey, they didn’t lie to you. I spoke to the doctor on the way in.”

“Why? I was doing everything right. I don’t….” 

“Sometimes it just happens; they may not have a why right now.”

“I don’t…” 

“It’s okay. I know it’s hard to understand.”

In all the years we’ve been around one another, I always hated when she cried. I’ve heard her cry for many reasons from the death of her family to a cut. But this was so much worse than anything I’d ever heard before. I pulled her into my arms and held her as she cried and screamed into my shoulder. I didn’t care that my shirt was wet, because I was soaking hers as well. Mom was using a handkerchief to wipe her eyes, but tissue for the nose. I vaguely remember her handing me one but I don’t think Miriam cared. 

I have no idea how long she cried, but the clock on the wall said it was a few minutes until noon when her primary doctor, Dr. Bridges came in. By this point she was clinging to me, not really moving. Mom moved so she was standing beside us so he could see her better, so he sat down on the bed.

“Ms. Castellano?”

I think a grunt was all he got, but he should be lucky to get that.

“I won’t pretend to understand how you feel; I can’t fathom the emotions and the pain you are going through. I know this is hard and the last thing you want to do is make any decisions.”

“Do we have to do this now?” Mom asked.

“No. I can come back in a few hours.” 

I looked at Mom and then him. “Can you tell the options to my mom and she can relay?” 

“It’s okay, I can…” 

Her voice sounded so damn different, I recognized it as just deep down raw pain. There was nothing else to explain it. Her once bubbly and sexy little voice was reduced to barely an audible sound laced with raw pain.

“Are you sure Ms. Castellano?” 

She nodded, that was perceptible.

“Please, understand. I don’t expect a decisions right this minute. It’s perfectly acceptable if you wish to think about it or even talk it over with your family.” 

Her head barely moved but her hands tightened up against my skin, she knew the following decisions would be hard.

“Dr. Anderson assured me that your baby does not have a heartbeat and he believes the placenta came loose. He said it was tucked low on the right side; it wasn’t there in March it was up high. I believe this is the cause but I can better determine once I can see him and the placenta.” 

Again her head barely nodded, barely even moved.

“I do not recommend a cesarean; it can be very dangerous for you. You have some options about delivery...” 

“Delivery?” She asked.

“Yes, unfortunately ma’am, he can’t remain in your womb forever. Usually in these situations labor will occur naturally in about two weeks. No harm in waiting, we will monitor your blood for signs of infections or problems. The other option is that you can be induced today, labor should follow the same pattern we discussed last visit. It doesn’t have to be right this minute; it can be a few hours from now.”

She didn’t move but I assumed she understood what he said, if not I know Mom was listening. How could they expect her to deliver him naturally? How could they even ask?

“Once you’ve decided we can proceed with your choice.” 

I felt Mom’s hand on my back and felt the other one on hers.

“Is there no other way?” She asked.

“I’m afraid not. I’ve only had this happen a few times in my career, but what seemed to help them was delivery and spending some time with their little one, which I encourage. We do recommend photos and just not rushing things.” 

“Photos?” I asked.

“Yes. It’s a very heartbreaking time but in time you’ll want to remember him, you’ll want those photos and those memories. I can recommend a few local professionals that don’t charge for the service and they provide any touch ups and cover ups that maybe needed.” 

“Why would they need that?” She asked.

“I cannot guarantee what your baby will look like when he is delivered. I’ve seen some that were almost like nothing happened and I’ve seen some that were...bad.” 

That information was the nail in her composure because she just lost it again. The crying began again and I held her again.

He looked at my mom. “We will talk about it and let you know.” 

“Thank you.” 

He left the room and she cried a little while longer before she finally got the tissue and tried to clear her nose some.

“I can’t…I can’t do this.” 

“Yes, you can.” Mom said.

“No...I can’t. I just want to go home.” 

“That’s an option, but honey whether you wait or do it now; you’re going to have to do this eventually.” 

“But I can’t…”

I let Mom take my place and I moved to rub her back. I had no idea what to say to make it better. I didn’t have children, I wasn’t aware when she lost the first one and that was under eight weeks, this was almost full term.

“Look at me Miriam.” 

Mom’s voice was sweet but strong and she looked up at her. Mom wiped her face off and held it gently.

“You are a strong young lady. I know that you really don’t want to do this, but delivering him is not going to be a choice you have. Whether you chose now or later, it’s got to be done. He can’t remain because it’ll make you very sick and could cause you to die. None of us want that.”

“I can’t…” 

“Yes, you can. No matter what, I’ll be right here. Zac will be right here. You’ve come through a lot and you’ve always come out on top. I know it hurts like hell; I can’t imagine how it feels. I would be devastated if this occurred for one of mine. But, you aren’t alone and you won’t be. But we need you to calm down, think about what you want. Neither myself or Zac can make this decision Miriam.” 

“I don’t...” 

“It’s fine. You don’t have to right now. How about you lie back, think about whether you want to wait or go ahead. We’ll give you some alone time, we’ll grab some lunch so if you decide to go ahead we won’t be passing out on you.”

“Alone? Is that a good idea?” I asked.

“Yes, Zachary it is. She’s in a hospital and safe. We won’t leave the hospital and if she prefers we can take turns.” 

“I’ve heard his tummy growl several times…I’ll be okay.” 

Mom kissed her forehead. “It’s going to be fine Miriam. I know it will be.”

She slowly moved back to a more reclined position and Mom sent me out of the room first. Maybe what Mom needed to say I didn’t need to hear? I knew where the cafeteria was, but I just didn’t remember the trip down, didn’t really remember ordering or even eating. Mom sat down with me after about ten minutes.

“I don’t think leaving her alone was wise.” 

She took a bite of her burger. “She’s in shock Zac, she’s hurting more than either of us have ever known. Giving her some alone time will allow her time to really absorb what was said. You and I don’t have to…” 

She paused and I understood what she meant, neither of us had to deliver him.

“But alone?”

“It’s not long and really, you need to keep up your strength. They’ll make sure she’s okay but Zachary she’s going to need you more than ever right now. You passing out won’t help.” 

I finished the plate and sighed. “Are you calling Dad?” 

“Yes. He was worried when I left. Have you told anyone beside me?”

“No. I probably should.” 

“Don’t. Once we know her decision we can see if she wants others up here. My bet is she won’t.” 

“I was thinking the same. I’m gonna head back.” 

“I’ll finish then call your father. I’ll have him not tell anyone until she’s ready to.” 

“If she chooses to stay, someone will need to get our bags. I can send my keys with someone.” 

“Ok.” 

I got up, dumped the tray and returned to the room. Miriam was sitting back on the bed, her hands just rubbing over the belly. I had to fight to keep myself from crying because I didn’t want to upset her again. She looked up when I came in but didn’t say anything, so I moved beside the bed and laid down beside her. She laid her head over on my shoulder.

“I can’t name him Micah now.” 

“Why not?” 

She looked up at me and a few tears crept from her eyes. “Heaven already has one. I can’t name him Micah knowing he’s going to heaven too. I can’t lose him again.” 

“You can name him whatever you want. But, he deserves a name.” 

“I think I’ll name him Aaron.”

“I think that is a good name. What about a middle name?” 

“I don’t know yet.” 

I kissed her forehead. “Have you made a decision?” 

“I don’t want to Zac. I don’t want to be here.” 

“I know you don’t. But, like Mom said, eventually you will be.”

“What do you think?” 

“I like the concept of waiting for labor to begin naturally. But, I don’t think you’ll do well if they send you home. I think you should go ahead and let them induce you now. But, that’s not my decision.” 

“I don’t think I can go two weeks knowing he’s….”

I pulled her against me. “I know.” 

By the time Mom came back in the doctor was following as well, it was close to two. Where the hell was time going?

“Have you made a decision?” 

She just nodded at me. “She’d like to be induced this afternoon. Is there anything specific she should know about?” 

“It’s the same basic situation we discussed in the office. We’ll introduce the medication via the IV and it’ll put her into labor. It could go pretty fast since it’s clear your mucus plug is gone. The cramping and pain could have been natural labor starting. It’s not been consistent though so it was probably your body saying something’s wrong. We’re also running blood tests to see if you have an infection. Once he is here, you can choose to see him right away or wait a bit. We can have him cleaned beforehand as well. Again, you can choose that a bit later.” 

“I can’t do more than that one thing right now...” 

Dr. Bridges smiled some. “Understandable. I’d like for them to get an IV going and let that run for just a bit while we wait for the blood results to come back. Once we’re sure you can, we will induce you this afternoon. Procedure is the same, anyone can come visit. I’ll give you some time and then we can discuss other things.” 

She nodded and he left the room.

“Do you want us to tell anyone else?” I asked.

“No. Not right now. Does Papa Walker know?” 

“Yes, I let him know before coming back up and he’ll be here if you need him Miriam. He promised not to tell anyone else until you were ready.” 

A nurse came in shortly after the doctor left and started her on an IV drip. 

“Dr. Bridges has you scheduled to start induction at four. Is that okay?” 

“Yes.” She said.

“Okay. If you need anything let us know.”

She just lay there, kind of zoned out like me. At 3:45 Dr. Bridges came in with a bag in his hand and within fifteen minutes he was starting her on Pitocin. 


	18. Totally Helpless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ***Warnings***  
> This chapter, like the last, may contain triggers for miscarriage/suicide attempt. Please be cautious when reading.

POV: Zac

July 15; 6 pm.

Mom all but kicked me out of the hospital for a little bit. I had left at five and was almost ready to head back but Tori kept calling me every five minutes and I know Miriam didn’t want anyone to know, but I couldn’t keep ignoring her, so while I was at Miriam’s I answered.

“What do you want?” 

“Excuse you. I want to know what the fuck is going on. I’ve called your phone and Miriam’s all fucking day and not single fucking text or call, nothing. You send me a message saying she’s sick and then drop off the face of the fucking earth? Not gonna fly. Where is she? I was at her house for two hours waiting today.” 

I rather knew it was going to be bad and I just sank on the sofa.

“I’m sorry; it’s been a bad day Tori.” 

“Is she at the hospital? Is she okay? What is going on? Taylor and Isaac haven’t heard anything; Jessica and Avery are also lost. Zoe has no idea what’s going on and all Mac said was your mom fled the house this morning with no word and hasn’t been home since. Zac, what is going on?” 

She may hate me come later but I couldn’t find a suitable excuse to explain the behavior.

“Please, do not tell anyone. Miriam doesn’t want anyone to know right now.”

“What happened?” 

“She’s at the hospital and they induced her at four.” 

“Great! That’s good so he’ll be here soon. Why doesn’t she want anyone to know? This is good news, not that he’s early but…still.” 

I felt the tear slide down my cheek.

“He died Victoria. She was having cramps and there was blood, so I took her to the hospital. There was nothing they could do, he was already gone.”

The other end of the line was quiet for a few moments.

“You mean…the baby? He’s not.”

“He’ll be stillborn Tori. For the love of everything, please do not tell anyone. Not even in my family. She doesn’t want anyone to know right now.”

“How is she?” 

“Honestly? She’s not doing very well. I’ve never heard her cry like she has today and it’s not over. She has to deliver him, she has other choices but she’s asked me to speak to the doctor when I return. She just can’t make them.” 

“Is there anything I can do?” 

“Stop calling me 90 times an hour? Seriously, make sure the store is covered and that things are on track. If she wants company or to see anyone, I’ll call you right away. But, please just respect her choice not to have anyone there or to know yet. I’m sure Mom will handle the family.” 

“She is there right?” 

“Yes. They had to sedate her this morning and I called Mom then. She’s been able to keep her a little calmer. She was asleep when I left actually.” 

“Is there anything I can do at her house?” 

“No. I just turned everything off.” 

“Zac…his nursery is there. She doesn’t need to see that.” 

“I know, the doors locked. But, I need to get back. She doesn’t have her phone and I’m not taking it, fucking bastard keeps messaging her and I won’t have him make this worse. If anything happens at the store that you can’t handle, call my dad.” 

“Okay. What do I tell them?” 

“Just tell them she’s sick. Nothing more.” 

“Okay, let me know Zac, even if she gets mad I want to know.” 

I hung up and finished getting the things and returned to the hospital. I dropped the bags off in her room; she and Mom were asleep so I found the doctor.

“She said she told you it was okay to talk to me.” 

He nodded. “She did and she mentioned she wanted you to make decisions?” 

“She said unless I felt it was something she really needed to be involved in that I could take point. What decisions are left?” 

He led me to empty room and closed the door.

“There are a few big ones. Such as does she want to see him right away or wait? Does she want photos or not? There is also the matter of services, funeral services.” 

“Funeral?” I asked.

“Yes. She has options on whether she wants a traditional burial or if she wants to do cremation. Most funeral homes around town don’t charge in these situations. They understand the parents are grief stricken and worrying about funeral costs is the last thing they need. We generally call one and they offer both options.”

“I’m sure she’ll want to see him right away, but I will confirm. Are photos really…good? I mean it’s a sad time.” 

“It is but months from now she or you may want to look back and remember him. You won’t get much time with him even under these conditions. I wish they were happy ones, but unfortunately they’re not. But, I encourage them. Even if you don’t do expensive ones or a professional person, have some for your own memories.”

“How long does she have for the funeral stuff?” 

“Until she goes home.”

“Okay.” 

“There is one thing that concerns me.” he said.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“I was in the room the last time she woke up, the nurse asked about an epidural and she told her she deserved the pain. I don’t have a clue what she means, but it’s going to get bad and I would rather her be more comfortable than suffering for some unknown reason. She seems to value your advice a lot; maybe you can figure out why she feels she deserves that pain and maybe convince her to do the epidural?” 

“I’ll talk to her.” 

Why would she feel she deserves to feel the pain?! He gave me pamphlets on the services and the photographers; I noticed the one that took the previous maternity pictures was listed. I wanted to speak to Miriam first and when I got back she was surely awake, curled up in the bed.

“Honey?” I asked.

“It’s a contraction.” Mom said.

I walked over and gently sat down on the bed, laid my hand on her hip.

“You know you can do the epidural now? They won’t hurt as badly.” 

She just shook her head but she didn’t push me away which was a plus! I rubbed her hip a little more until she wasn’t curled up so tight. I then leaned down.

“Miriam, you don’t deserve this. Punishing yourself is not going to make this process easier or any less painful.”

She cut her eyes at me and I swear she may have growled at me. Mom stood up and declared she was heading home for a little bit and she’d be back. 

“Don’t want it.” 

“Why do you feel like you deserve this pain?”

She looked at me and just the way she did seemed to break my heart.

“Because I clearly did something wrong, otherwise I’d be home waiting another four weeks to see my son. Alive. Instead, I’m here.”

I moved the strands of hair from her face. “You didn’t do anything wrong Miriam.” 

“Clearly I did.” 

“Look at me. You did not do anything wrong. Nothing you did caused this. You shouldn’t punish yourself with the unnecessary pain, because you haven’t done anything wrong. You’ve eaten well; you’ve gone to more water, healthier foods and snacks. You try to exercise when you can. When the doctor said rest you did. You’ve done nothing wrong.” 

“But…” 

“No buts Miriam Jasmine! I am telling you, you have done nothing wrong. Having the epidural is not going the easy route, you’ll still feel them but honey, you’re just in the start and they’re going to get worse. Getting it now is better.” 

She opened her mouth to argue with me and I laid my finger over it and she stopped.

“There are other decisions that need to be thought about. You thinking you did something wrong is not important because you did nothing wrong.” 

“What decisions? I told you to make them.” 

I moved to be lying behind her, ensuring the IV was free and clear and I put my hand over her waist.

“You did but these are more joint decisions or your choices not mine.”

“I have a feeling I’m not going to like this….fuck…” 

As much as I wanted to scream when she got my hand I didn’t, just held her a little tighter until she relaxed.

“Conversation…” she mumbled.

“You won’t, but these are things I feel you should choose.” 

“I give no guarantee that I can answer them.” 

“Let’s start with…would you like to see him right away or would you rather wait until they’ve cleaned him up? The choice is yours because you can see him when you are ready; don’t tell me you don’t want to. I know you do Miriam. He’s your son regardless to what happened.”

She lay here quietly even through the next contraction.

“I think…I want to see him then as they would have done if he was…” 

“I know. I’ll let the doctor know. Do you want to have pictures?”

“Why?” 

I had to think about that a moment.

“He may not be here with us and right now you may not be able to see them at all. But, one day, you will want to really see him Miriam. You’ll want to remember the little time you get with him. It’ll provide you with photos of your son. Because, no matter what, he is your son and he always will be.” 

“You keep saying he’s my son…” 

“He is.” 

“You were calling him our son just a few days ago...now he’s mine? You act like you don’t have a reason to have an opinion on any of these.”

“Poor choice of words, honey I know the answers if they were me. I can’t force my answer onto you. I can’t completely imagine how this hurts you. I am positive that if emotions were measured, you’d win.” 

“What would you do then?” 

“I’d get the epidural for starters. I agree with wanting to see him as soon as I could. I’d want photos so when the grief dies down some, when my emotions weren’t so hurt and so scattered, I could look back at them and remember him for the little angel he’ll always be. You said you couldn’t name him Micah because heaven already had one, you don’t have to worry Miriam, you’re parents and brother are waiting there for him. He never suffered, he was never in pain. He’ll always be loved by us and everyone else. I would also allow those close to him to say their goodbyes.” 

“Those close?” 

“Yes. You’re older brothers, younger ones, your sisters, his grandparents. His godmother that you never got to ask. I know you want to ignore everyone but they deserve to have the chance as well. They love him just as much as we do.” 

She didn’t get to reply right away, the next contraction seemed worse to me and she finally released the grip on my hand.

“Rebecca said she does labor and delivery photos. I was thinking about that beforehand. I just…I don’t know if I want a reminder.” 

“You don’t right this moment, but what about years from now?”

“I guess…I would. Those two also didn’t seem that bad…” 

“Yeah, but the last one is.” 

She sighed. “I presume it has to do with the after he’s here and funeral stuff?” 

“Yeah.” 

She laced her hand in mine and I could tell she was about to cry again so I held her tighter.

“I don’t believe I can do a burial.” 

“Why not?” 

“I sometimes have nightmares about them lowering Micah’s casket down. So small. I can’t.”

“You can do cremation and then he’ll never be far from us.” 

She nodded and her hand tightened again, they seemed close to me but I was sure time was really passing between them. After that one she seemed to deflate a bit.

“I think…I want that epidural now.” 

“I’ll get them for you.” 

She let me go so I could tell them and after about thirty minutes they were in the room and explaining it. I didn’t like the idea of the needle in her back! But once it was over with she was laid down and felt better.

“You’re making good progress. Do you need anything?” 

“Cheeseburger?” She asked.

“I’m sorry I can do water. In the event that you do need surgery we’d prefer you not to have eaten.” 

“Cheeseburger flavored water?” 

She giggled and nodded, returning with a fresh container of ice and water. She checked the IV and then headed out.

“Better?” I asked.

“Much. Concerning your last question…I’d like to do cremation and do you think you can handle the tedious shit?” 

I nodded. “Either myself or Mom. One of us will.” 

I moved back beside her, but left her lying how she was.

“Can you sing to me?” She asked.

“Sing to you?” 

“Yes. After Joshua there was a night where you must have known something was wrong. You lay down and sang to me. I think it was a song Taylor had done early or something. It didn’t sound familiar.” 

“I thought you were asleep.” 

“I wasn’t.”

“Any requests?” 

“No. Just whatever you want.” 

I leaned back and put my arm behind her, considered what I knew because I never knew she was awake that night. But that song wasn’t meant for now.

I finally settled on a slow beat and began to sing.

  

_And you can’t escape the night,_

_Though the world grows quiet your thoughts won’t rest_

_You don’t see an end in sight_

_Looking for a place, Searching for Grace Unknown_

_Scattered like ashes living on a turning stone_

_Looking for a place; searching for Grace.._

_Any time the silence starts to feel like home_

_I can hear my heart beat on…_

Mom came in as I was singing and quietly settled herself down in the chair and when I was done I found her asleep against my shoulder.

“How is she?” 

“She got the epidural. She wants photos and cremation. She also wants to see him right away.” 

“I told the doctor you would know the right words and the right tones to get the answers needed.”

“How is everyone?” 

“Worried. I know she didn’t want them to know but I did tell them Zachary. It’ll give them time to process the news.”

“I brought up that she needed to let them know so they can see him if wanted.” 

She nodded and we just waited. She didn’t nap long at all, just about an hour and then she was fully awake and she did ask for Rebecca whom I called. She was deeply saddened by the news but agreed to come down. She’d never done such a shoot but would be there. I really hated giving bad news and I called her back when she reached eight. 

The hours leading up to her reaching ten were long, often boring, sad, and frustrating at times. She refused to let Mom leave the room when they said it was time. Rebecca was instructed that she wanted a few of the delivery itself, but not a ton. But she did want more after; she didn’t care what she took then. 

It was hard to stand beside the bed and encourage her to push, knowing what would happen. Yet the moment the doctor declared him here, it was even harder because the room remained quiet. There was no crying, no screaming, and no protest from him. It was just quiet. 

The doctor did as requested, he laid Aaron up onto her chest the moment he was born, and I vaguely saw a cute little nose and a head full of dark hair. A nurse wiped him off some and helped her adjust him a little better. I hoped Rebecca caught that first little serene moment when she saw his face, it was perfect. The first real smile she’d had since I’d arrived Friday morning. Yet, I kind of hoped she didn’t catch the one right after when she realized he wasn’t breathing, he wasn’t moving.

“Aaron? You can wake up now baby, come on…Please?”

The entire room seemed to stand still; no one expected it or thought she’d say those words. Her hand ran down his cheek.

“Please Aaron wake up. Just breathe please…please…”

I had no idea what I could do or what to do as she kept asking him to wake up and to just breathe. When she finally moved her head away from looking at him, she looked right at me. 

It was the first time in a long time where I felt completely helpless. I had no idea how to help her.

The tears were already running down her face, her eyes had this far away look. I finally understood how she felt, that very raw and very deep pain that she’d felt all day. It cut right through me to my core and just shredded it to pieces. 

“He’s not waking up is he?” She asked.

I never knew six words could hurt so much, I moved and pulled her to me. She pulled him up close to her cheek and just pleaded for a few more moments before she stopped talking and just started crying. Heartbreaking sobs of just pain and I could do nothing but hold them and cry as well. I was vaguely aware of my Mother’s arms around us as well. 

I wasn’t aware of anything else in the room, no idea what the doctors did or didn’t do, but when I became aware of who was in here it was just one nurse and she looked as I felt, like she needed to do something but couldn’t. She finally approached the bed. 

“Ms., would you like me to clean him up really well? He’s got a head full of pretty hair.” 

All Miriam did was clutch him tighter to her and she didn’t push the matter. She looked at me and my mom.

“I’m going to step outside when you’re ready, just give me a buzz. Doctor Bridges called me in so I am solely here for her.” 

“Thank you.” Mom said.

The sun was barely rising when Mom’s phone rang and she got it, clearly it was Dad and a few moments after she hung up there was a gentle knock before Dad came into the room. I wasn’t sure how Miriam would handle it but she didn’t seem to care either way. 

He didn’t speak just took Mom’s spot beside her and joined me in holding her. She’d finally moved him down just enough for us to see him. He really was perfect and I was glad that the horrible images I’d researched so I could be prepared weren’t the case. Aside from just the pale color and the lack of movement he looked like any other newborn. 

“Miriam.” Dad said.

She vaguely looked up at him but she didn’t look away.

“He’s perfect in every way and I know you just want to sit here and hold him all day. But, sweet pea, the nurses need to get his measurements and clean him up. I know you don’t want to let him go, but its okay.” 

She shook her head and her arms tightened around him.

“Sweet pea…” 

“No. Micah was crying when they took him from me. He didn’t come back.”

I looked at my mom puzzled, what the hell was she talking about? Dad gently moved her head.

“Miriam, he’s not Micah. You don’t have to say goodbye right now, but let them see if they can see what happened. They need to make sure you’re okay as well.”

It did nothing to relax her grip and Dad took a deep breath but he didn’t say anything else. She sat there another hour before she seemed to relax.

“Am I allowed to be alone with him?” 

“Yes. Would you like some time alone?” 

She nodded and they got up, I really didn’t want to but I didn’t want to upset her again so I followed my parents to just outside the door. Mom left the door cracked just in case though.

“What was she talking about with Micah? We were told he died at the scene.” 

“You were ten Zachary; we didn’t think you or the others needed every detail. We also assumed she would discuss it with you.” 

“She never discusses the accident with me or anyone else. Tori still don’t know all the details I do, I only know because you told me.” 

“Micah died on the scene, but when the paramedics showed up she had taken him from the car seat and was cradling him. Telling him it would be okay. Nothing she did made his condition worse, but he was crying when paramedics took him from her. He died a few hours after that, head trauma. The car hit his side.” Dad said.

“She was going to name him Micah, but she said when they told her that heaven already had one.”

The nurse came to the door but waited with us, it felt like forever but Mom tapped my shoulder.

“She’s calling for you.” 

I got up and walked into the room, closing the door behind me. She was still holding him, didn’t look like she’d moved at all. 

“You call?” 

She nodded and I sat down on the bed, she remained quiet for several moments.

“He’s your son; before the nurse takes him to be…do you want to hold him?” 

“Of course.” 

She was super careful as she moved to hand him to me and I really tried not to cry, because she seemed calm now but I couldn’t. He looked like her and aside from the dark hair he didn’t look anything like Jake. 

“Where did Rebecca go?” she asked.

“She left to give everyone time. She said she would come back up this afternoon and she’d get some better pictures if you wanted more.”

She nodded, I held him for an hour and each minute I wished he’d wake up but I knew he wasn’t going to. So when the nurse came in she asked Miriam first and when she said it was okay I let the nurse take him. She treated him as if he was alive. Indicating he’d be in a private room in the nursery and they’d bring him back anytime she wanted. Dr. Bridges came in once he was out of the room and checked her over.

“Do you know what happened?” 

“The placenta did come loose; it came out basically right after him which is not common.”

“When are you sending me home?” 

“I would like for you to stay, your blood work does show a little infection so I want to get you on an antibiotic and check again. It doesn’t seem major, you didn’t split or tear.” 

“What are his…stats?” 

“He was born at three oh one am, the nurse just told me he was 19 inches and seven pounds.”

“I’m really tired, is this normal?”

“You’ve been awake a very long time ma’am. I would recommend you get some rest now.”

“What about my son?” 

“I’m going to do a visual inspection, draw some blood. He’ll be cleaned up and he’ll be in a private room in the nursery so no other visitors can see him. When you came in I had 2 extra bands created so you both have one and the couple outside have one. Any of you can escort family down. Or he can be brought here. He will not go anywhere until it’s the right time.” 

She nodded. “What if I can’t sleep?” 

“I can give you something if needed, but I’d rather not.” 

She nodded and he finished up her check of her blood pressure and then left the room. She sat there a moment.

“I’d like for Rebecca to get photos of anyone who wants to see him. If they want that is. But, I don’t want to see anyone right now. You can have Tori come up but no one at the store should know.” 

“I’ll let them know.” 

She really did look tired and worn out so it didn’t surprise me that once the nurses had changed the bedding, gotten her better settled that she was out cold. I went to the hallway where my parents were.

“She gave permission for us to tell family and friends. If they wish to see him we can take them down and she wants Rebecca to be there if they want photos. But, she doesn’t want to see anyone right now.” 

“It’s understandable. Your mom and I were talking and I think it’s best if she comes to our house for a little while when she’s released.” Dad said.

“Why?” I asked.

Mom looked at me and smiled. “She doesn’t need to be alone for a bit Zachary. You’re there, I’ll be there and so will Zoe and Mac. She also has more memories at her home and the nursery is there. It would be better if she came home with us for a bit.”

I nodded. We then began to call family. Mom and Dad went home to tell Mac and Zoe, they also promised to call the other two sisters. That left me to inform Isaac, Taylor, Tori and Allen. They were the hardest calls of my life. Rebecca was the last one and she agreed to do what she asked. I then returned to the room, where she was still asleep but she was starting to move quite a bit so I lay down with her, away from the wires and pulled her close, began to sing.

_I could lift you up,_

_I could show you what you want to see_

_And take you where you want to be_

_You could be my luck, even if the sky is falling down_

_I know that we’ll be safe and sound; we’re safe and sound._

_I could show you love, in a tidal wave of mystery_

_You’ll be standing next to me…_

 

 

Lyrics came from: 

Grace Unknown © 2015 Hanson 

Safe and Sound © 2013 Capital Cities 


	19. Time

POV: Zac

July 29, 2011

The few days at the hospital felt like an eternity. Miriam had asked me to make a lot of important decisions because she didn’t feel like she’d really make good ones. Granted, she made the major ones and I filled out the massive paperwork, only having her sign where I absolutely couldn’t. I had called the funeral home and made the arrangements for him to be picked up and cremated. When it came time to select the urn he would be brought back in she looked at the options but only sat there. I finally asked if she trusted me and she’d only nodded. I’d picked out the urn and chose what to put on it. That was a hard decision and while Aaron was my son, I wondered if it would have been different if he were truly mine? I was also appointed to pick up the remains once they were ready. 

Everyone in my family had come to the hospital but the little kids, each one had time with him to both see him and say goodbye. Rebecca had taken photos of anyone who wished to have one which was most. I think Taylor was the one that cried the most of my siblings. Out of everyone he was the only one that told me not seeing her was not an option to him. 

Miriam requested that anyone could see him in the nursery; however, she wanted to see no one but myself and my parents. The times she had him in the room no one was allowed in. But Taylor didn’t listen and went right to her room. I had tried to stop him but honestly, I think maybe it was good because it showed her how much they truly do love her.

Yet, the day they released her and she had to say goodbye might have been worse than the day he was born. She cried before leaving, on the way to my parent’s, and all afternoon. She hadn’t wanted to go to my parent’s but Mom put her foot down and told her flatly she wasn’t going home. She wasn’t happy but she didn’t need to be alone. I didn’t completely understand until I’d seen her at home. 

Her state of mind wasn’t like it was earlier this year. She wasn’t talking to anyone, she was mostly lying in my bed asleep or staring at the TV but I was sure she wasn’t watching the programs. Mom wanted her there so we could keep an eye on her and make sure she was grieving and not just shutting down.

As much as I loved spending all day catering to her, I needed to check the store today. Make sure they were still doing things as we usually do and that there were no problems. So I had gotten up at five and was at the store by six. I didn’t alert any employees before coming in, so when Victoria arrived she came straight to the office, she knew I was here by my vehicle.

“Did Miriam come in with you?”

I shook my head. “She was asleep in my bed when I left, still at my parent’s.” 

She frowned. “She won’t call me back or even text me back. I’m starting to wonder if I did something wrong.” 

I looked at her from the desk. “Don’t take it personally Victoria. She’s not really talking to anyone.” 

“Except you, she is talking to you right?” 

I shook my head. “She’ll eat and take the medication for me. She doesn’t really talk much and I have tried every topic there is. Honestly, I think she’s in shock still.”

“I kept waiting for a funeral announcement.” 

“There won’t be one. She chose to do the cremation and left the details up to me. It hurt like a mother fucker to do that but she just wasn’t capable of handling those. I chose the little urn and what the plaque says.” 

“What did you choose?” 

“It’s a small box that resembles a piece of stone; it has an angel sitting on the left side with a little bird. I know that eventually you’ll see it yourself but I don’t know how long that will be.”

“The little name thing had Aaron, is that what she named him?” 

“Aaron Angel Hanson will be his official name.”

“Hanson?” she asked.

I paused, remembering that conversation we’d had.

_“This is the certificate of birth, is Aaron Castellano all you want?” I asked._

_“Castellano? Why would you put that down for your son?”_

_“Miriam, I understand if you want to give him your name.”_

_“No. The plan was when he was…born. You would sign his certificate. I don’t see anything changing about that. Just because he won’t be with us, doesn’t mean anything.”_

_“So, we use my last name. Do you want a middle name?”_

_She’d laid there quietly for a few moments before looking over at the basinet._

_“Angel. Aaron Angel. It doesn’t sound that appealing but it’s what he is.”_

_I’d filled out the papers with that name and even signed it, as if he truly was my son. In all honestly, he was. I’d been there for her, I’d gone to the appointments and I was here with her now, grieving over the loss._

“Zac?” Victoria asked.

“Sorry…Yes. I was going to sign his anyway, nothing about that changed. Victoria I know you have questions and I just can’t answer them right now. I’m sorry.” 

“Understandable. Why are you here though?” 

“Because we need to still be present every now and then. I also just needed to get out of the house but not away from her. However, I feel like she does need some time alone. Mom’s insisted she never be there by herself. She’s technically not now as they’ll be home.” 

“But she’s not surrounded by you all day.” 

“Exactly.” 

She moved and got the drawers for the morning and began to set up. I’d already prepared the deposits and balanced things so now it was just verifying paperwork and ensuring nothing weird was going on. It made the morning pass slowly. It seemed that no one else was aware that I was here, because when I came out at 12:10 Debbie did a double take.

“Zac? When did you get here?” 

“I’ve been here Deb. Since about seven. I’m just checking paperwork and stuff.” 

“Did Miriam come in with you? How are she and the baby?” 

None of them knew yet, so it didn’t shock me when she asked about the baby. But that jolt of pain stopped me right where I was.

“She’s still not feeling well.” 

It wasn’t a lie and I didn’t elaborate, just walked the store. I couldn’t tell her things were fine. But, I did need to have someone explain to them because if she came in and they asked, she’d break down. And they would ask, it was clear she wasn’t pregnant anymore even if she still retained a lot of the weight she gained.

The sales floor was clean, well stocked, and things were rotated properly. Yet, when I stepped into the stock room it was a disaster. The baler was full and there were boxes piled up around it, even a few buggies. The floor clearly hadn’t been swept in forever. Stock was piled on pallets and there were several dozen pallets stacked around.

“Michael!” I yelled.

He came from the produce area, where he shouldn’t be standing around anyway and it was clear he didn’t expect to see me.

“I didn’t think you were here.” 

I glanced around. “Clearly it’s a good thing I am. The sales floor looks great, but what is this shit? It’s like a fucking disaster zone and you know damn well it’s dangerous.”

“We’ve been focusing on the floor really.” 

“You have Tuesday and Thursday where the floor is not important. There is no excuse for this. Stock is done so get them back here and get this shit cleaned up.” 

He nodded. “Did Miriam come in with you?”

“No. But if she had come in she’d probably be screaming about now. So I’d get this done soon.” 

He used the intercom to call them to the stock room and I moved down to check the coolers which made me no less happy and I put someone there myself to check the dates and rotate the boxes. It pissed me off, but Miriam would be livid. I was planning to supervise but my Mom called, so I stepped away from everyone.

“Yeah?” 

“How much longer are you going to be?” 

“I was planning a full day, stock is a disaster area and the coolers are so full with stuff there are items out of date.” 

“Well, cut it short. I know you both own the store and need to be there, but she needs you more right now. I’ve checked on her four times and the last two times she’d changed into one of your shirts and she has one of your pillows. When you get home I will go to the store and make sure things are done. I doubt she’s taken her medication and she didn’t touch the tray I took up.” 

“I’ll leave now. Even if she just lays there for me too.” 

“Even if you just lay there and hold her as you watch TV, it’s that comfort she needs Zac. I’ll see you in a bit.” 

She hung up and I wondered, her phone was now with her but she wouldn’t reply to anyone.

_Hey Honey – headed home, would you like your favorite burger?_

I headed up front and got my few items, told Tori I was leaving and I was shocked when I got in the car and got a tone.

**_Please? I don’t want the fries though._ **

_Done. I should be home in about 30._

I went by and got our lunch, I got her ice cream instead of fries. I didn’t need to ask where she was, she pretty much stayed in my bedroom. I let Mom know I was back and what the problems were, she let me know where Zoe and Mac were and then she left and I came upstairs. 

The TV wasn’t on and Miriam was sitting up in the middle of the bed, wearing one of my t-shirts. She briefly looked up at me and I got a ghost of a smile when I sat the ice cream down. But she just seemed so down. She started with the ice cream and I sat down to have my fries.

“Store okay?” She asked.

“Yes. Floor was good. Stock room was bad and so were the coolers. Mom’s gone in to set them straight.” 

“You didn’t warn them?”

“Nope.” 

“I may watch the video later that could be entertaining.” 

“Maybe.” 

We ate the rest of our meal in silence and when she was finished she did take the medication for me, antibiotic and pain medication. I scooted to the top of the bed and she laid down on the right side, her head on my thigh. I moved the hair against her temple, smoothing it out and it took five minutes for her to be asleep. It seems like that was all she did now. Sleep. But, I could understand not wanting to deal with it. 

**August 8, 2011; 11 am**

Miriam had gone back home Friday. Mom wasn’t happy with her decision and really wanted her to stay. It was also her birthday so she went home after we’d done a small party which she seemed to be so distant during the party it was almost as if she wasn’t there at all. Her smiles were all fake. There was however no need to ask her what was wrong, everyone already knew. 

She appeared to be doing better, but she wasn’t completely fooling me. She smiled but they were fake, she said she was fine but her voice said otherwise. But, Mom told me not to push it because she may not be ready to talk about him yet.

She assured me she would be fine. The medications were out, she promised to eat and she just needed the time alone. Before she went home though I locked the nursery door, she didn’t need to go in there right now and Mom and I put everything baby related in that room. She had done well over the weekend so I felt comfortable coming to work even if it was late. Yet, when I walked in the front door the cashiers were all busy even Tori. The stock crew was busy and everyone seemed like they saw a ghost.

The office was empty and I came down confused.

“Victoria? What’s up? Where is Tim?” 

“She sent him home.”

“She?” I asked.

“You didn’t know she was coming in today?”

“Who is she Tori?” 

“Miriam.” 

“Miriam is here? Her car isn’t here and she couldn’t have driven because I have her keys.” 

She paused and looked at me. “Yeah, she wasn’t happy about that. She took a cab apparently, showed up at eight. She sent Tim home.”

“Why does it feel like a funeral?” 

She frowned. “He didn’t know Zac. She came in and Tim told her to take her pregnant self back home because she didn’t need to be here. Debbie and I tried to stop him…” 

Fuck! I was planning to tell him and the stock crew this week, the cashiers had asked me Thursday because someone saw her at my parents. But, I didn’t expect her to come in today! The doctor told her to wait a minimum of six weeks before she came to work, even as a supervisor. 

“And she…?”

“Told him to mind his own fucking business and that if anyone said a goddamn thing about it she’d fire them. I told him after she walked away and he tried to apologize, she told him to go home.” 

“She’s not in the office, where is she?” 

“Well, she checked the floor and when she reached the stock room she was fine. But, even I heard her scream Lee’s name. Apparently he hadn’t really organized so she told me she was re-training him today. I presume she’s in Dairy.” 

“For fucks sake.” 

I walked to the aisle first, praying she was just supervising him in putting up stuff but he was standing there alone, checking dates and there was a buggy of stuff beside him.

“Lee.” 

He jumped and looked at me. “I’m sorry...” 

I held up my hand. “Where is she? I don’t care what you’ve done but you better fix it.” 

“Yes sir. She’s in the cooler.”

I walked past him and to the dairy cooler in the back. She was standing by the shelf and it was clear by the sweat on her face she’d been moving the damn boxes around. 

“What are you doing here?” 

She jumped and turned around. “What are you doing here?” 

“No, No, you know I was coming in randomly to check on them. You should be at home.” 

“I presume you’re the one that took my keys?” 

“Of course I did, so you wouldn’t come here. You had a kitchen full of food, everything you should have needed. You know what the doctor said, no physical activity for six weeks. Miriam it’s been three.” 

“I know how to count.” 

“Are you sure? You’re here. Why?” 

“Because I don’t want to stare at four fucking walls all damn day, I’ve done that for three fucking weeks. I just wanted to get out and do something that wasn’t being some vegetable on the fucking sofa.” 

“You don’t need to be doing this. Maybe being on the floor straightening up but moving boxes is not good.” 

“Like I want to be around people. There’s a reason I am here.” 

“Miriam.” 

“What do you want from me Zac? I don’t want to sit in that office anymore than I want to sit at home. I need to do something.” 

“You don’t need to do anything but heal and recover. That’s not a hard thing to do but you moving these could hurt you.” 

“Doubtful.” 

I moved to her and laid my hands on her shoulders.

“It could. You’re body is still healing on the inside Miriam. You haven’t done this is months and you could easily pull a muscle or strain one.”

“You know I’m not going to do that.” 

“Miriam. You said you’d be fine at home. That you were going to play some games, clean up and just try to be normal. This isn’t normal right now. You sent Tim home but he didn’t know what happened. Most of them don’t. You haven’t given me time to tell them.”

“I don’t want to be staring at walls.”

“You have a yard, flower beds, I am sure you can find things to do.” 

“I just…” 

“Don’t need to be here right now.”

“What am I supposed to do? I don’t want to sit at home all day. You took my damn keys.”

I kissed her forehead. “You grieve Miriam. You then heal. So that when you are ready to return the store, the returning woman is the one there used to. Not the one that came in today. You don’t usually scream and yell even for stupid shit like this.”

Her shoulders seem to drop and I knew I’d gotten through to her so I moved and pulled her into my arms.

“You said you were fine going home. Were you really fine?”

“I am. I just have trouble sleeping. But, I had that either way. I couldn’t sleep at Mama Diana’s either.” 

“Want to borrow some of my shirts?” 

“I took several home.”

“Why don’t I take you home? I know you feel like it’s staring at four walls but maybe the walls will help you a little. You know, you could always talk to Tori and Allen. You can talk to Mom and Dad, even Jessica.”

“None of them even know how it feels.” 

I kissed her forehead. “They don’t have to know how it feels for you just talk to them. Let them know how you feel, even if they can’t comprehend it. It’s just you, getting out the feelings.” 

“Maybe. What about this?” 

“I’ll call Tim back; tell him this has to be done. No more excuses.” 

She nodded and finally followed me to the front. I called Tim and asked him to return and told him what must be done and then took her home. She still didn’t really talk to me but we watched a movie and played some video games. I ended up staying the night to make sure she slept well, it was hard passing his door and him not being there but the door had remained closed so she hadn’t been inside. 

I hoped she came around soon!


	20. Useless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ****Warnings***  
> Contain attempted suicide

*Warning: Contains attempted suicide*

POV: Miriam

August 16, 2011

Waking up seemed to be a chore now, mostly because waking up occurred somewhere before five am and then I’d lay here and stare at the walls. Walls that seemed to be closing in on me day by day. Light didn’t make the room feel any less claustrophobic. Light just made it seem more real.

Despite Zac’s insistence that I just be lazy all day, every day, I was tired of seeing the four walls of my living room. I had no interest in watching sitcoms, no interest in movies, and I didn’t want to play any games. I’d just sit here and think about everything, all day everyday for the last few weeks. The only time I really left was the one appointment with the therapist. 

I had to get out. I needed food for starters; I had tried and failed to ignore eating. He had made it clear that I was useless at work. I’d felt useless coming home. I couldn’t do paperwork because I had no focus left, I couldn’t do freight because he felt I was fragile. The very idea of being on the sales floor and facing customers just made me want to run. I was utterly useless at my own store. 

I wasn’t even out of bed when Joshua began his barrage of messages for the day. Most were the same actually, telling me how useless I was. Telling me how much I’d lied about what happened, yet he’d sent me an audio file and that file clearly had him asking and me clearly saying yes. There wasn’t a question of what he meant either, it was clear he meant sex. Maybe he had been right? 

I finally got up, but getting dressed was also another pointless thing because nothing fit right except the maternity pants and I just couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to put them on. The biggest pants were a little too big but that was okay. I actually pulled one of Zac’s shirts from the closet because most of mine didn’t fit. I stared in the mirror, not recognizing the person looking back at me.

I found my wallet and keys and left, the intention was to get some groceries and see something beside the four walls of my home. The drive, the parking, and even walking into the store all felt relatively normal to me. That all ended the moment I was inside and the cashiers saw me. I could see it written on their faces, so clear. The pity they had for me was unreal, the looks of understanding I couldn’t do anything right. The urge to leave was strong but I just reminded myself I had like a third of a roll of toilet paper and I had to have that.

“MJ, I didn’t think you’d be in.” Tori said.

She looked so put together and perfect; I couldn’t imagine how I looked. Wait…when the fuck was the last time I showered?

I shrugged. “I needed to get things and figured why not?”

“Do you need any help?” 

Did everyone think I was that useless? That I had to have help to buy my own groceries and toilet paper? Maybe it was how I looked? Either way I shook my head no.

“I’m going to walk the store first and then get some things. Anything I should expect?”

“No. Diana has been keeping everyone on their toes, she and Zac both.” 

Which made me even more useless to the store than I really was. I knew it was probably worthless to walk the store but I did anyway. I couldn’t find a single thing to be mad at. I tried to find something! I walked to the coolers; surely I’d find something there! But nope. The few boxes of milk were in date and the shelf was full. So, I resigned to just get what I needed, so I started for the front of the store. I was staring at the floor mostly, but I heard it, faintly at first, and then louder. I stopped mid-aisle and just stood there.

Somewhere in the store was a very unhappy baby, I tried to focus on what I needed to get. Toilet paper. Food. But, all I could hear was the crying.

A cry I would never get to hear, I’d give anything to hear him cry just once. I’d give anything just for a little sound, some noise. The aisle began to feel really hot to me. 

“No Miriam. Toilet paper. Food. Milk. I don’t hear it.” 

The crying was persistent though and getting louder. Wait…why was it getting louder? I was almost afraid to turn around but I heard a soothing voice saying it was okay and it was just a few more minutes so I turned slowly. She was coming up the aisle, buggy in front with the car seat sitting on the top. The car seat was blue; she smiled when she saw me.

“Miriam?” She asked.

I heard her, but the closer she got the louder those cries were and it was almost like there was a bullhorn right at my ears and this baby was screaming into it. 

“You look so good! Tori said you’ve been out for a bit. We must have had our little ones around the same time. Little Edward arrived the afternoon of the 18 th. What day was your baby born?” 

The aisle seemed to be sweltering and was that shelf moving? It felt like they were moving closer, wanting to smother me. She was looking blurry, those cries were just louder. I tried to look away from her but the aisle that was trying to smother me had the diapers and formula. Thing’s I’d never need. 

“Miriam? Did you hear me? I know his cries are loud. Does your baby cry that way?” 

He didn’t cry. He couldn’t. My little baby had died. I just ran, I know I knocked over a display as I fled from her questions, fled from her confused look. I nearly ran Tori over.

“Miriam? What the hell?” 

The automatic doors just weren’t fast enough; I shoved them open and ran out into the August heat. Tori was barely out of the door before I was in reverse, who cared that I nearly hit a car? Who cared that I came close to hitting her? I just wanted to get the hell away. Joshua was right. When it came to having babies, I was useless. Two pregnancies, two babies that died. No reason. No explanation. 

The worst part is my fucking body wanted to remind me. As if the cramps and period from hell hadn’t been enough of a reminder. I had to wear bras with pads to keep my shirts dry from the milk. I’d be glad when those reminders went away. I wasn’t sure how I made it home without being arrested. I was aware of at least two red lights I ran. I didn’t stop running until I was inside my home, door closed, my back against the door and the sweet silence. 

But silence is not what greeted me. There was quiet music playing from somewhere in the house. Soft. Soothing. Very mellow.

“Zac?” I asked. 

His vehicle wasn’t in the yard, but it didn’t mean Diana hadn’t dropped him off. Yet, no one answered my call but the music stopped playing. Then, moments later it came back on. The melody finally clicked in my head, I’d heard it before. It was the mobile that was on his crib. I carefully moved away from the door and took quiet steps across the room, the music got louder to me.

“Who’s there? Zoe? Jess? Avie? Who is it?” 

There was no reply, other than the music, which began to play again. Okay, logic told me I should turn around and get the hell out of this house. Clearly someone was here and given they weren’t answering, they probably weren’t someone I wanted to see. But, I felt compelled to keep walking and I stopped at the door that I’d been pretending didn’t exist. There was now a small crack and it wasn’t that way when I left. My hands were shaking some as I pushed it open. The crib sat right there in front of the door. The little crabs and fish were slowly circling, the lights were blinking and the music was playing softly. Something just drew me across the little space to the crib. 

A crib I didn’t need now. Bedding set that I couldn’t use. The rocking chair Taylor insisted I had to have, that would never rock my son to sleep. I reached over and turned the mobile off. There was no baby in the crib to soothe. I could feel the tears as they slid off my checks, landing on my shirt. 

“Do you even know what today’s date is? It’s August 16th Miriam. It’s your due date. It’s the day that you should be in pain in a hospital, delivering your little son. Instead, you’re standing there.” 

I should run like hell but why? He’d catch me before I ever made it to the front door. I didn’t even turn toward him; Joshua liked to see the pain. I could deny him that.

“I find it funny. You miscarried our child because you lied to Mrs. Hanson. The worry and stress of trial and shit made you miscarry. Did you feel remorse then Miriam?” 

“Of course. Just because you were the father didn’t mean I wouldn’t have loved him or her the same.” 

“Come on Miriam, why lie now?”

“I’m not laying Joshua. I cried then too. Maybe not as much.” 

“Oh, I am sure it wasn’t as much. You could have prevented losing little Aaron.” 

I turned sharply. “How?” 

He was sitting in a chair across the room, boxes of toys and things that had been in the other rooms, stacked neatly. If he knew some secret then why the fuck hadn’t told me?! He smiled.

“You could have told the truth.” 

“The truth about what?” 

“Now, I sent you the audio files Miriam. You can clearly hear me ask if sex was what you wanted, you clearly said yes. Yet, you went and told Mrs. Hanson I raped you.”

That was true and I’d tried for hours to hear some dip, some flaw, something that indicated it was fake. I’d found nothing. Yet, I was sure that I’d never said it.

“You did, but clearly they’re fake.” 

“Do you know what Karma is, Miriam?” 

“Yes.” 

“You lied to her, therefore you lost our baby. Because you lied, you were responsible for the loss. It never would have happened if you hadn’t lied on me then. That was Karma telling you to tell the truth. I told you months ago that you needed to come clean and tell the police the truth. You keep saying I raped you, you have lied about this and you refuse to accept the truth. You wanted it and when you realized how much trouble you’d be in, you lied.” 

Had I? Mama Diana and Papa Walker was religious and even Isaac and Taylor was always a little mum on their sexual affairs. She would have frowned upon any sexual encounters and especially with someone older. Had I lied about it? I could hear myself on the audio; I could hear myself tell him yes. Had I really agreed and then just felt guilty and lied? It didn’t seem right.

“No…You raped me.” 

“No, I didn’t.”

He got up from the chair and I should run, but honestly I didn’t care. Some part of me felt like maybe I would deserve whatever he did. He moved right to me, leaned over and started the mobile again.

“You took ten years of my life. Years I could have found the love of my life, years I could have had children. But, you lied to them. Karma took away the first one because you did. Karma took away your second one because you refused to admit the truth, even as an adult.”

It was quiet as the mobile played, but then it stopped. He pressed play again. 

“Listen to it Miriam. A sound your little baby will never hear. He’ll never see your face or Zac’s. He’ll never feel your touch. Because you couldn’t be a good girl and just tell the truth. You’ll never hear your son call you Mom or hear his cries. You don’t have to worry about me, if I wanted to hurt you I would have already. ”

He started the mobile again when it stopped, the sound should be soothing but to me it was just a sound. A reminder. 

“You told me a few days ago it was useless to pursue you. You’re right. Useless was a good word to, you can’t even be in your store, you can’t give Zac the family he will want, can you even consider having sex with him now? Knowing you may get pregnant and have another failed pregnancy? You destroyed my life. Why do his that way?” 

He flipped the on switch again and then walked out of the room, moments later I heard the front door but the mobile played and played….

He was right; I was useless to Zac if he wanted children. It was clear I wasn’t meant to have them, but Joshua was wrong on why. He says it was karma for lying, but that’s not why. I lost my babies because I had failed Micah that night. I’d let them take him away from me, knowing he was dying. I let them take him and he died alone with strangers he didn’t know instead of where he felt safe. I could still hear his voice asking me to hold him. I didn’t deserve to have children; I didn’t deserve to have another family. I’d gotten them killed.

He was right. I knew Zac wanted children and he was like any other man, he liked sex. But, sex was so far from my mind, and even with birth control, pregnancy was still a risk. After all, I’d gotten pregnant with Aaron while on them. I couldn’t risk it. It wouldn’t take long before I destroyed him as well. 

The sound of the mobile was cut briefly by the ringtone on my phone, but I ignored it. I looked around the room. So much time, effort and love went into making sure he had everything and yet here I had this room with no baby. I moved from the crib to the dresser, admiring the little ceramic fish Zac had found somewhere, cute little fish in vibrant colors. I ran my finger over one of them, but my eyes caught the package laying there. 

I picked it up and opened it; I didn’t remember it being here. Inside were photos. I started flipping through them and they were of me, some I remembered and some I didn’t. The one of me asleep I didn’t remember. But it was clear they were taken over the last couple months, I could see the bump form. Zac must have taken them for a scrapbook. One that my baby would never see on his eighteenth birthday, because he would never see that birthday, he’d never even see his first birthday.

Another package under it was bigger and I picked it up too, more photos but these were from the maternity shoot a few weeks before. Zac looked so happy, I looked happy. But I could never give him that. I laid them down and moved out of the room, but it didn’t seem to help. I could just hear the wrongs I’d done. 

I was just standing there when the doorbell rang, I assumed it was Zac. So I answered but it was UPS.

“Delivery for Miriam Castellano.” 

“That’s me.” 

He had me sign and then handed me a large package. I thanked him and closed the door, didn’t really care who it was from. I just opened it. I pulled out the contents and there was a small letter on the front addressed to Zac, saying it was the specific prints requested. I checked the envelope and it was addressed to him but in my care. 

I moved the letter and then just stopped. It was almost like time stood still. Moments felt like hours. The print in question was from the hospital. The first was a black and white picture of me looking at him, clearly when they first got him situated and I first got to really see him. I actually looked kind of happy. I moved it and the next one was us too, but this was the day before I went home. He had been cleaned up and dressed in the take home suit. Not that I’d get to ever bring him home. The photos were clearly shopped too, because he actually looked like a living baby. The last print was of him, Zac and me. Zac had actually requested it because he wanted a family photo.

Was this the only kind of family photo I could provide? One with a child that was deceased? That had never breathed air? That would never even feel our warm touches?

I stood there and just stared at them. It was clear to me that Zac would never let me go. He had always been there since the day we met, he would never leave me. Even if I could never give him the family he wanted, he would never leave. He would stay with me, even if a family was what he wanted more than life itself. That wasn’t fair to him.

I was useless when it came to relationships too; every one had failed because of me. I was either too consumed with Zac, worked too much or I was boring.

I was useless in sex clearly, I couldn’t even remember if I was raped or not. I’d never done anything remotely risky. The two guys after Trevor said I was boring.

I was useless at my own job. I couldn’t even function normally there now and how could I ever face them?

My life was worth nothing. I was just a space. I looked at the pictures again before I moved to the kitchen. Mama Diana had suggested seeing a therapist and I did once, all he truly did was give me a prescription. 

Depression he said.

I wasn’t depressed, I was heartbroken. 

You aren’t responsible for the bad things that happened, he had said.

I wasn’t responsible, but I really was. I’d been the reason Micah had died alone, the reason they had died at all. I didn’t hit us, but I was the reason we were even there. The reason we were on the road that night, had I not begged they wouldn’t have been there and they’d have never died.

I was responsible for Aaron. I was suppose to love him, protect him, and do anything I could to help. Yet, I didn’t even know he was dying. Shouldn’t I have known? 

I’d be the reason Zac and I split up, I’d be the reason I’d lose the best thing that ever happened to me. It was my fault Trevor left, even if he never said it to anyone. He and I both know it was me. He said I was stuck in the past, stuck because I was content with my life. He wanted to be adventurous, he wanted to go places and experience things. I couldn’t leave Zac. I couldn’t leave the store. 

I was the reason everyone was so unhappy. I was responsible for those things, no matter what he said.

I picked up the two prescription bottles, the leftover vicotin for the pain and the amitriptyline for depression. Sitting on the end of the counter was a bottle of vodka that had been sitting there for a long time. I got it too and then went to the nursery. 

Ocean. How appropriate because I felt like I was drowning. I knew they’d miss me, I knew Zac would cry but I knew with time they’d move on. With time they’d heal. Time hadn’t healed me and then it took the biggest ray of sunshine, my son. I would never see him again. 

The vodka burned like hell going down, but I drank most of the bottle as I tried to think of any solution to this. Ultimately none came. I kept hearing my phone ring but I didn’t really care anymore. I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to stop feeling like my heart was being ripped from my chest. I wanted to stop the intense pains when I remembered my son was gone.

Pouring the pills into my hand I looked at them for a long time. I’d been told this wasn’t the solution, this was never the answer. But, I’d stop hurting others and I’d stop feeling hurt. There was no better solution that I could think of. 

The vodka burned still, the pills tasted nasty as hell, and chasing then with vodka was even worse. I then just sat here. 

I didn’t really feel any different at first, then it just felt really hot in the room. I lay back onto the floor, aware that the bottle of vodka tipped over too. The ceiling looked so inviting. Feeling so warm made me sleepy, so I looked around to try and stay awake. All the pretty items I’d never use. I heard thudding noises, that was weird but it didn’t matter.

The ceiling began to get blurry and I felt…free. For the first time in days I felt free. 

Then everything went black.

  


	21. I Should Have Known

POV: Zac

Noon. I had slept until noon. But, I had been spending a lot more time at the store and when I wasn’t there I was trying to keep Miriam from falling off the deep end. I guess I needed the sleep. My alarm hadn’t even waked me up and it was Mac telling me the tone was driving her insane. I sent Tori a message to tell her I’d be in three. I sent Miriam a message but she didn’t reply right away, she was doing a lot of sleeping so I didn’t pay it much attention when she didn’t reply. I took a long shower, got myself dressed and found some food.

“You’re actually home?” Zoe said.

“I know I haven’t been home much at all.” 

“No. Is MJ doing better?” 

“I don’t know Zoe, she seems really quiet and I hope she comes out of this soon. I miss my MJ.” 

“I do too. I want the one back before she got pregnant and lost him.” 

“I think everyone does.” 

She nodded and I watched some random program with her before I sent Tori a message that I was on my way. I got in the car and was already on the road when she called me, but I didn’t answer. I was on my way to the store! But she called back again and when she called the third time I answered.

“This better be important.” 

“Where is the spare key to Miriam’s house? It’s not in the fucking plant; it’s not under the damn mat. Where did you move it?” 

“It’s not there. I changed her door locks before she…but anyway. I only had two she and I have one. Why?”

“I’m here at the house and she’s not answering.” 

“She might be asleep.” 

“Zac I am beating the hell out of her door.”

“Okay, why are you doing that?” 

“She came in this morning, said she needed groceries and stuff. She walked the store and I guess she was coming up to get a buggy or something. Anyway, she went flying past me and hauled ass out of the parking lot. When I got back in Stacy was there.”

“Stacy?” I asked.

“She was due a month before Miriam; they talked a lot in the store about babies. Stacy said she was just standing there and she didn’t know Miriam lost Aaron. She asked her questions about him. She said Miriam seemed off and that it seemed like her sons crying was the reason. I gave her time to calm down, called, no answer. I asked Jessie to come in early and I came here as soon as I could. But she’s not answering.” 

None of that sounded good so at the next light I turned and rerouted myself to her house. 

“I’m on my way. My guess is she’s asleep. But I’ll be there in a few moments.” 

I hung-up and tried to call her, but there was no answer, I kept calling her phone and each time her voice mail picked up, my stomach sank a little more. I know she was feeling down but she wasn’t that bad! I parked beside her car and ran to the door.

“Let me find her, she probably just wants to be alone.” 

“Maybe, but I’d feel better knowing she’s okay.” 

I unlocked the door and the house was quiet. She wasn’t anywhere in the front part of the house so I moved toward the bedroom. Tori remained standing in the living room waiting. I reached for her bedroom door but the nursery door was slightly open and that door hadn’t been opened in over a month. I pushed her bedroom open but found it empty and that sinking feeling seemed to turn to a sick feeling. I pushed the nursery door open and saw her lying on the floor. 

“Miriam?” 

I could smell the vodka and it didn’t take long to see the bottle laying beside her. Lying right below them were pictures from the hospital I had requested. Fuck, I should have had them come to Mom’s house instead; she hadn’t really seen any of them. My guess was she came home and got drunk, and then passed out. 

“Honey?” 

I knew someone who was passed out could be unresponsive but when I got closer I saw the two brownish orange bottles lying on the other side, which caused me to move pretty damn quick to shake her.

“Miriam! Come on wake up.” 

She didn’t respond to the shaking and this close her breathing was kind of shallow. It quickly dawned on me that she needed medical help.

“TORI! Call 911!” I screamed.

I wasn’t going to leave her side, not even for a moment. I felt her wrist and her pulse felt faint to me. Tori came to the door and she was going to ask but when she saw her lying in the floor she called 911. I could faintly hear her telling them the address and all.

“Come on Miriam, wake up please.” 

I turned her head gently, so if she threw up she wouldn’t choke. The room looked the same but the packages of photos were opened and the ones around her obviously. 

“Come on Miriam, you can’t leave me now. I need you too much.”

But she was completely out so I sat there beside her, monitoring her pulse and making sure it wasn’t slowing any and that her breathing wasn’t getting any slower.

“They’re on the way. Did she just drink too much?” 

I shook my head. “No. I know she’s been depressed but I didn’t think…Victoria I didn’t think she’d try this.” 

“Are you saying…” 

“There are bottles too. I never once thought she was this bad.”

The thought of what if Tori hadn’t come over came and it just made my chest ache so much that I couldn’t handle that thought. She returned to the front to wait for the paramedics but I remained by her side. 

“Miriam, I don’t know if you can hear me. You can’t die on me. I can’t lose Aaron and then you. Just…wake up. There is so much for you to live for. Just come back to me. I love you and I can’t lose you.” 

I could hear the door open and it was a few moments before they were coming into the room. I really didn’t want to move away but I gave them space. It didn’t take long before they were loading her up. I had no idea how to react to this.

“Go Zac. I’ll lock up here and then come behind you.” Tori said.

They sat me at the head of the bed and they were monitoring her heart rate and breathing. But they really couldn’t give her anything because they didn’t know what was in the bottles. Fuck! Neither did I!

“Any idea how much she took?” 

I shook my head, not even knowing she had them. How could I not know? How could I not realize that my girlfriend and that my best friend in the entire world was to the point of trying to kill herself? How did I fucking miss this?

Once to the hospital they took her back and I was forced to wait in the waiting room but thankfully, Tori was there quickly. 

“Anything?”

“They mentioned charcoal or pumping, not sure which one they’re doing.”

“They asked me a lot about when she may have taken it and I gave them the bottles. I hope it helps.” 

“What were they?” 

“Amitriptyline and a pain medication, the first one was prescribed more recently.” 

“How did I not see this? How could I be this blind?” 

“It’s not just you. None of us saw this happening Zac.”

“I should have Tori. I should have seen this coming.” 

She moved beside me and I felt her hand on my back. 

“We both knew she was down, but she just wasn’t talking. Do you think this is caused because of the loss of the baby?”

“Maybe. I’m not sure really. She doesn’t talk about that but she doesn’t mention anything. I knew she was depressed and I should have been there.” 

“You should call your Mom and Dad.” 

“Yeah, Mom can maybe get permission to get her condition too.” 

I dialed my home number and Zoe answered the phone.

“Is Mom or Dad home?” 

“Dad just got here, Mom’s on her way.” 

“Can you take Dad the phone please? It’s an emergency.” 

The line was quiet for several moments before Dad’s voice came over the phone.

“Yes, Zachary. What is wrong?” 

“I’m okay but I’m at the hospital. Tori called me and I went to Miriam’s house because she wasn’t answering. She was unconscious in the nursery. Dad I think she tried to commit suicide.” 

“Why do you think that?” 

“There were pill bottles beside her, she’d taken them but I have no idea how many there were. There was also a bottle of vodka. You and Mom maybe the only ones that can obtain information from the doctors because legally you’re her guardians.” 

“Zachary, she’s over eighteen now. But, we will come down. Was she okay?” 

“I don’t know. She was breathing and had a pulse, but they sent me to the waiting area. Victoria is here with me.” 

“I won’t tell your mother until she’s here, then we’ll be down.”

“Okay.” 

I hung-up and I could hear the sadness in his voice. I just waited. There wasn’t much else I could do. Mom was a wreck when she arrived and I expected her to be. Both of them went to the nurses’ station and I waited until they came over to us.

“Did they tell you anything?” I asked.

“Yes. They did a stomach pump and charcoal treatment, she’s still not awake but she’s stabilizing. Her heart rate was coming up and her breathing was better.” 

“That’s good right?” 

Mom sat down beside me and got my hands. “It is good but Zac, you do realize the implications of this right?” 

I looked at our hands, the feeling of comfort and then I looked at her. “Yeah, that she needs help. That she can’t be alone and she won’t be.”

“It’s not that Zac.” She said.

I felt Tori’s hand lay on my knee. “I think she means that the risks of her doing this again are high. That it means that when she tells us she’s fine, she’s really not. It means she’s not talking Zac not even to you. It means she does need help and it’s possible what she needs is more than we can give.” 

Doing it again? I couldn’t believe she did it this time. I couldn’t believe my Miriam was so depressed and alone in her mind that she thought this was the only solution. What drove her to this point? What caused this? 

Another hour ticked by and it felt like eternity. Finally a doctor walked over and addressed my parents, he didn’t seem very worried.

“The two methods have helped; unfortunately some of it did get into her system so she’s really just groggy. Thank you to the person who provided the bottles, it helped us know what to do. However, you should inquire why her therapist prescribed something to someone in her state of mind.”

“We didn’t know she was given anything.” Mom said.

“Her dose on the bottle was pretty high but it doesn’t seem like she was taking them anyway. It’s why she had so many.” 

“Will she be alright?” I asked.

I could deal with dumb therapist later; I wanted to know if my Miriam was going to be okay in the long run.

“She will. Not much of the medication really had time to absorb it was the alcohol actually. We’re going to keep her for the night for sure, maybe two. As soon as she’s in a room and stable I’ll send someone. She’ll be in ICU so she can be watched.” 

Mom thanked him and he went back toward the back. 

“Are you going to stay Tori?” I asked.

“No.I know she’s alright and I know she’ll be out of it for a while. Besides, the person she’ll want to see is you anyway.”

“Can you go to the store and create a new schedule, remove me completely. Make sure the store is covered management wise.” 

“Remove you?” 

I looked at her. “I can’t get her to talk to me if I’m not there Victoria. I won’t make her go to some state facility so she can be watched. I’ll stay there.”

“Okay. Do you want me to say anything to the employees?” 

“No.” I said.

“Actually, you should.” Mom said.

“Why?” I asked.

“You may be staying but what she did isn’t a bad thing Zac. It’s a cry for help and if people treat it as a bad sign she may feel worse about it. She’s going to feel bad and making her feel worse won’t help. They need to know she’s not in a good place.”

“I agree.” Dad said.

“I do too Zac. No one knew she lost Aaron and someone asked. I’ll tell them and it’ll explain your absence.” 

“Fine.” 

I didn’t want everyone to know but maybe it would be better. She went ahead and left and we waited another hour before a nurse came and told us where she was. Fourth floor ICU. Mom and Dad went back first because they knew I wasn’t leaving. I finally made it back to the room at six. She was asleep, covered up under blankets with multiple monitors hooked up. I slide the chair over and sat down as close as I could.

Mom brought me dinner back about seven and I ate just outside the door before resuming my spot. I kept trying to remember what she’d said the last few weeks. Did she give me some clue that she was this close? Was there a sign I missed? Something I forgot? Maybe mom should have made her stay there longer.

It was about ten when her hand moved and when I looked up she was stirring some. They hadn’t really sedated her. It was about 10 after when she opened her eyes. I could see the confusion written all over her face, she didn’t understand why she was here. But it didn’t take long before she looked at me and I saw the tears long before they fell from her eyes.

“I’m sorry…”

“You don’t owe me an apology Miriam.”

“I don’t see why I don’t.”

I reached over and wiped her cheek off, catching the next tear that fell.

“You don’t. You just need to get better.”

“Better?” She asked.

“Yes. You need to be the Miriam I knew last year. I know she’s in there, she’s just hiding right now.” 

“If she’s not?” 

“Then I’ll figure out the new you.”

She was quiet for a few moments. “My throat hurts.” 

“They pumped your stomach earlier. I would imagine it would be sore. Want me to get the nurse?” 

She nodded and I called, got her ice chips and I sat there and fed them to her as well. She seemed just as confused as before, but maybe she really did need just time. Time to understand we cared about her, time to know that losing Aaron wasn’t her fault. Time to realize she can be happy. 

The doctor came in and checked on her, explained her throat probably will hurt for a bit, explained what they done and I learned that charcoal can give you black poop. It was very weird fact but he gave her an overall of being okay. Once he left the room it got quiet again. 

“Zachary?” 

“Yes?” 

“Can you sing to me please?” 

“Is that what you want?” 

She nodded and I moved to the bed itself. I couldn’t really lay with her here, too many wires but I laid my hand on her leg. I ran through a laundry list of songs but maybe what she needed to hear was something I hadn’t really ever sung to her. I’d kept it to myself.

  

_When the darkness comes; and you’re lying in bed_

_Surrounded by voices; like the voices in your head_

_You will never need to despair, I will be there_

_I, I lift you up, from the bottom of my heartache_

_And I, I wish you well, From the top of every summit_

_When the water rises, Stealing your breath_

_Chilling your heart, as it beats in your chest_

_You will never need to despair, I will be there_

_I, I lift you up, from the bottom of my heartache_

_And I, I wish you well from the top of every summit._

  

I wish I could remember how she looked as I sang, peaceful. I’m sure she would frown if I took a photo. I’ll just keep that one in mind for my own personal memories.

“Why?” 

At first I was confused on her question, why? But in reviewing the words I had just sang to her I realized why she asked. She was asking why I’d be there.

“I’ll be there because I love you Miriam. I’ve loved you my whole life, I don’t know of another place I’d rather be than with you. I can’t image a world without you and I don’t ever want to live in one where you’re not there. Haven’t I always been there? It didn’t matter the reason, it didn’t matter whether I knew why or not. Beside you is where I belong. I just wish I’d realized that so long ago.”

“I’m not who you need.” 

I leaned down and kissed her nose. “You are exactly who I need. Who I’ve needed my whole life. I turn to you when I am down; I turn to you when there are problems. I don’t know where these thoughts are coming from; I won’t pretend to know what’s going on in your head right now. But, I’d like to know.”

“No you don’t.” 

“I do. Because you aren’t alone. You don’t have to fight the demons and the voices alone. You’ve never run from me Miriam, don’t start now. I know you’re scared and I know you feel alone but you’re not. You never will be. I’ll be right here, anytime you need me.” 

“Not fair for you to be.” 

“Completely fair because you want to know a secret? You’re always there for me. Anytime I needed someone, you were there. I don’t mind being here Miriam. I just want you to get better. Now, you rest so we can get out of this place and go home.” 

“We?” 

Again I kissed her nose and giggled. “Oh yeah, we. I’m accepting your offer to move in.”

“When did I offer that?” 

“Last year and I should have taken it then. Now, you get some rest. I’m not going anywhere.” 

She actually gave me a bit of a smile and I started singing again, the same song. It wasn’t long before her eyes fluttered closed and not long after that she was sound asleep. I got comfy in the chair and that’s where I slept, but not deeply enough to know there were a few times she woke up. 


	22. Opening a Bit

POV: Miriam

August 21, 2011

They refused to release me until Saturday, wanting to make sure that I was fine before they released me; even then, they wouldn’t until Zac agreed that he would be with me. Honestly, I liked that he was here, because I was kind of afraid of Joshua coming back. I woke up alone in the bedroom but could smell the pancakes cooking. I walked to the front after going to the bathroom. 

“Pancakes?” I asked.

“Not just any pancakes, they’re chocolate chip.” 

“Now you’re being nice.” 

He sat a plate in front of me with the syrup and I smiled. He watched me as I cut them up and put a precise amount of syrup on each one. While he just dumped the syrup on and ate. When we were done he sat the plates in the sink and leaned against them.

“So, what do you want to do today?” 

“Is the store okay?” 

“I assume so, but that’s not where I want to be. I asked what you want to do.” 

“I don’t know.” 

“Movie?” 

“Nothing here I haven’t seen six dozen times at least.” I said.

“I brought mine too you know.” 

“I’ve seen those as many times as mine.” 

I could feel him appraising me, on a normal sense I didn’t care if I’d seen them a hundred times, they were mostly my favorite movies. But he waited patiently and something occurred to me.

“The pictures…”

“Which ones?”

“On his dresser, they were of me. Only you could have taken them, why?” 

“I like taking pictures of you. That should be obvious, most of your best ones I took.” He smirked.

“Not why did you take them, why did you hide them? I hadn’t seen most of them and you usually show me the ones you’re proud of. You don’t normally develop them and then hide them from me.”

“I didn’t hide them from you, well, not really. I had a plan but I just didn’t have time to complete it.”

“Scrapbooking was never your thing.” 

He giggled. “Wasn’t really a scrapbook. I was more going to just show progress from then to now. I didn’t think you’d want to see them after what happen, at least not for a little while. It’s why I put them in there. I didn’t think you’d go into that room until you were ready.” 

Honestly, I wasn’t ready when I walked in there but I wouldn’t have if Joshua hadn’t played the mobile. I hadn’t really said anything about why. About the reasons. I know they wanted to ask, I know they wanted to know. I moved from the counter to the living room and he followed.

“Miriam?” 

“I didn’t go into the room because I wanted too.” 

“Then why did you?” 

“I fled from the store and I expected the house to be quiet. But when I got home I heard it, the mobile was playing the little soothing tune. I thought it was you but no one replied when I asked. I followed the sound to the room, to the crib.” 

“The mobile was playing by itself?” 

I detected the skeptical tone because even I had questioned the mobile. I know he was going to be upset and mad that I hadn’t bothered to tell anyone.

“No, it wasn’t playing by itself.” 

“Then who was here? It wasn’t me or Tori.”

“Joshua was the one playing it.” 

“Joshua?” he asked.

I nodded. “I didn’t know it was him until he said something.” 

“Did he hurt you? Is he the reason you were like that?” 

“He didn’t touch me.” 

“But he was here inside the house?” 

I nodded. He didn’t seem angry that I didn’t tell him, he seemed concerned really.

“If he didn’t touch you, why was he here?” 

“I’m not sure he expected me back so soon. He asked if I knew what day it was, said I should be at the hospital but I was standing there at the crib.”

“What did he want?” 

“For me to tell the truth. He said I miscarried our baby because I lied to Mama Diana. That the worrying and stuff caused it. That my lie to her about what happen is the reason.” 

“But you didn’t lie.” 

“I don’t know any more if I did or not.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“He sent an audio file Zac, he clearly asks me and I said yes.” 

“Do you still have the audio file?” 

“Yes. It’s on my phone wherever it is.” 

He got up and when he returned he had it, it was fully charged and a bunch of texts.

“You could have told me about them.” 

“They called me after you didn’t answer.”

I found the audio file and considering it was easy to get to, he must not have looked through the phone. Some of the messages had been unread too. I played the audio file for him and he listened to it multiple times.

“Neither of you sound right.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“He said this was recorded before the sex right?” 

“Yes.” 

“He sounds like he’s just speaking and so do you. It’s not how you sound when you’re almost to the point of sex. Why would you have told mom he raped you, if he didn’t?” 

“You know how they view sex Zachary. We were underage and you know they would have been mad.” 

“Okay, so I understand that Mom and Dad’s view of sex is strict and especially when we were teenagers. But, let me ask this…assume Mom was mad about the sex…how do you think she would have reacted to a lie like that?”

“She would have been pissed. They don’t believe telling lies that can adversely affect someone else is proper.”

“So, which one would have landed you in less trouble? Telling her you did have sex with him or lying and saying he raped you?” 

“Telling her I had sex on my own.” 

“But that’s not what you told her Miriam. I believe that what you told Mom that morning was the truth. I think this file is fake and I am sure the detective will agree.” 

“He told me not telling the truth was the reason I lost Aaron. That it was karma.”

“That is not the reason and you know that.” 

“But he was right about other things.” 

“Like what?” 

Finding the right words was hard, how do you tell someone you’re useless to them? Especially after that song he sang at the hospital. 

“I told him it was useless to pursue me. It was a good term because that’s how I feel.” 

“You are not useless Miriam.” 

“It feels like it. I can’t do anything at the store to help anyone, I’m useless there. I can’t talk to customers or help cashiers, I can’t focus on paperwork, and I can’t physically do anything else.”

I felt his thumb brush my cheek. “You are not useless there. Right now just isn’t the right time for you to be there. You aren’t useless there; you just need time to heal mentally and physically. We need you there as much as we always have.” 

“Really? You haven’t needed me at the store in months Zac. I started feeling that way when I realized that I really don’t need to be there five days a week. I went in there and there was nothing for me to do. Even if I wanted too, there wasn’t anything there. Cashiers know what to do, stock crew knows, managers know. Reality is…I am useless there.” 

He knew I had a point, because it took far too long for him to want to reply.

“Wasn’t that the goal Miriam? Have a steady income without working ourselves to death? But you are missed; customers and employees alike miss you being there. The vendors miss you. What makes you matter there is not what you do; it’s your presence alone. You keep people motivated; you keep them on their toes. Right now you can’t do that, because you need to focus on you and not them. He is not right, you are not useless.” 

I didn’t feel that way just about the store, but I didn’t want to open that can just yet. 

“How come you never told me you were holding Micah when they showed up?” He asked.

“Hard to admit to myself that I let him die with strangers.”

“Miriam you didn’t let him die with strangers, you let them take him so they could save him.” 

“I wasn’t stupid Zachary, I knew he was dying. He had stopped crying by the time they arrived. He was almost gone when they took him, I think there was some selfish reason that I didn’t want to hold him.”

I felt his fingers glide across my cheek.

“Why do you feel responsible for them? The driver is the one that hit them Miriam, not you.” 

“But we wouldn’t have been on the road if I hadn’t begged. They said No Zac when I asked. They didn’t want to drive down and be so late coming home on a school night. I begged and pleaded to go. They finally relented when I promised I’d get up on time for school and wouldn’t complain. We’d have never been on that road if it weren’t for me.” 

“The accident could have occurred any time Miriam, anywhere.”

“Exactly, but it occurred then and there. A place we wouldn’t have been in if I hadn’t begged. We’d have been at home.” 

“It’s not just that, it’s timing too. You guys could have left earlier or later and been fine. Honey, it’s not your fault they died. There are so many variables that could have occurred that could have prevented or made it worse.”

“I don’t see how it could have been worse.” 

“I do. I could have lost you as well. You’ve been fine for so long, why now? You’ve never mentioned any of this before.” 

“It’s always been there, I guess just everything this year has made it worse.” 

“Well, I don’t give a damn what Joshua says. You are not useless; you did not lie on him either. He’s trying to play head games.”

“He’s not going to stop.” 

He just smiled. “Yes he will. No one really knows I moved in with you, so let him come back. I’ll make sure he knows who told the truth that night.” 

“And then you’ll be in jail.” 

“Not if he breaks in. Did he tell you how he got in?” 

“No.”

“I’ll check the doors and stuff change the locks again.” 

Because I was feeling antsy I let the conversation die there, let him start a movie and laid there with him. But the question kept coming up in my head. It kept playing in my head until the movie went off and I found he was staring at me.

“You zoned out.” 

“Sorry.” 

“Don’t be, but what’s on your mind?” 

I didn’t want to cause issues, but I also wanted an answer.

“How come you haven’t kissed me since it happened?”

I knew he would know what ‘it’ was; I didn’t need to say the words for him to understand the reference was to since Aaron had died. 

“I have kissed you since then.” 

“My forehead, cheeks, temple, back of my head, and even my nose. But you haven’t actually kissed me since then.”

He really looked puzzled himself and I knew he was thinking about it.

“I didn’t really realize it.” 

“Is there some reason why maybe?” 

“Miriam it’s not bad.”

“Then tell me why if you know.” 

He sighed. “I didn’t think you’d want to, you know I have no control with you. Wasn’t sure if I could handle it without issues.”

Yeah, I didn’t have to ask what issues he meant, he was talking sex and another thing that Joshua had said. One that he was for sure right about, I didn’t have any interest in sex and I had no idea how to explain why.

“I mean, after what happened I figured you wouldn’t want to for a bit. You need to get better anyway.” 

I was pretty sure that was a cope out and a way for me to get out of the conversation and I was glad. I wasn’t sure how to approach the topic of sex because right now it just didn’t want to happen and I knew relationships couldn’t really last or thrive without some form of intimacy. 

“Did you ever want to travel?” I asked.

“More than what we have?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Yeah, but not like what Taylor does. More like vacation travel. Why?” 

“Something Trevor wanted too.” 

“You never said why you two broke up. You just showed up crying and I didn’t really ask.”

“My fault.” 

“What happen?” 

I considered how to reply for a moment.

“Well, like Carrie, he had issues with how much time we spent together. He didn’t think we were sleeping together but he didn’t like it. But that really wasn’t the reason why we broke up. He joined the army without telling me first. When I pointed out that the army can send him anywhere in the world, he said he knew.”

“It could.” 

“He was looking forward to it and then he asked me to marry him, travel the world.” 

“Wait…Trevor asked you to marry him?” 

“Yeah. Wasn’t the normal proposal, it was basically I joined the army so I could travel the world, will you be my travel buddy?”

“Sounds like something he’d say.” 

“I said no.” 

“Did you not want too?” 

“You said you couldn’t see a world without me, I couldn’t imagine being that far away from you and the store and everyone. He got pissed, said I was choosing you and that I was just boring.” 

“You are anything but boring.” 

“He said that because I didn’t want to go places and do things all the time. Like I told him, I traveled the world with Taylor. I’d seen so many places and had pictures of places. I understood he didn’t and wanted to see them, but I couldn’t move to like Japan or Hawaii. I didn’t want to be an army wife or even an army girlfriend. He was mad, he was upset, and he ended it. Said he’d find someone who wanted to be.” 

He pulled me in tightly. “There is no way in hell I would have let you go to fucking Japan. That is entirely too far away. You aren’t boring and you aren’t to blame for that either. He should have known you didn’t want that lifestyle, he should have discussed that with you first not springing it on you like he did.” 

“The other two said the same thing.” 

“You are not boring.”

“It’s just because you and I like doing the same things. It’s not boring to play video games to you, it was to them.” 

“Blasphemy. Nothing boring about them.” 

“I do want to travel, maybe see some home grown stuff first like caverns we haven’t seen. But, I didn’t want to live in Japan when we visited; I love the city but no.” 

“Not going without me anyway.” 

“Can I go anywhere without you?” 

“Not really, the bathroom maybe.” 

“Maybe? Uh, how about no.” 

“Don’t tempt me.”

“That’s creepy Zac.” 

“What? I can’t sit on the toilet and watch you shower?” 

“Seriously?”

“Do you know how much I wanted to watch?” 

“Pervert. That’s what you are.” 

He just smiled and I cut it there before it got out of hand, the thought of watching him shower was kind of alluring. 

“What do you want for dinner?” 

“I don’t know, what’s in the kitchen?” 

“Beef like hamburger meat, uh..I think some frozen stuff. Honestly, probably should have gone to the store.” 

“Tomorrow. If there is a frozen veggie pack and hamburger, make soup.” 

He got up and rummaged through the kitchen and found soup ingredients so that’s what he made. I sat on the loveseat and watched as he moved around the kitchen and I wondered if he’d be so okay with us if children and sex weren’t ever possible. Would he really not care?

His song had been sincere and he promised to always be there, but could I really deny him what I knew he wanted? I just couldn’t picture myself trying again, two failed pregnancies and while the first one was hard it wasn’t as bad as this last one. I hadn’t really even known what was happening but with Aaron I was fully aware of how alive he was before. 

I had felt the movement, felt his kicks. I’d seen his face. I’d delivered him, dead. What if it happened again? I don’t think I could honestly say I’d want to try again. I wasn’t sure I could handle another loss. 

“You look like you’re about to cry.” He said.

“Just thinking, nothing major.” 

Well, yet…eventually I would have to make my feelings about trying again and sex known and I wasn’t sure he’d consider it minor or not important. He watched me quizzically for several moments.

“Sure?” 

“Yeah.” 

“You know I’m always here to talk to. Whatever you want to talk about.”

“I know. When is that soup gonna be done? You’re starving me.” 

“It’s almost done geez.”

I took the time to run to the bathroom and then returned, the few medications they had me on he had to give me, so he had those waiting and then we had dinner. It was hard to believe the day flew past so fast. But even after an after dinner movie, when we went to bed I just laid there staring at the walls.

At least until I felt his arms over my waist and felt his warm breath on my neck, heard the soft words. 

“You’re gonna spoil me.” 

“I don’t care. If it helps, it helps.” 

I took a moment to shift and get comfortable and it did help, didn’t take long before sleep took over.


	23. Baby

POV: Zac

August 29, 2011

I should have seen some of the problems but I hadn’t. I didn’t see her as being useless anywhere, but it was obviously something she felt. I didn’t see Joshua being such a big problem, but the fact that he lured her into that nursery before she was ready was a problem. I really wanted to shove my boots up his ass and make him see she’s not his. Never in the last ten or so years, did I feel she felt so guilty about her parents and Micah. 

But she still wasn’t talking about the baby; she wasn’t really talking about Aaron at all. I know that her attempt was not solely because she felt useless or because she felt the guilt. There were things she wasn’t saying, but things I knew existed.

The doctor told me not to hover and since I didn’t want her to feel smothered, I went in today to see if I could do anything. Yet, I was so worried.

About ten Victoria came to the door and leaned against the frame.

“She’s not coming in?” 

“It’s going to be a long time before she comes back Tori.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, she needs to be really better and she just can’t do that here. I’m only here because the doctor told me not to hover over her all the time. So, I’ve taken some times to visit with Allen and here. Doesn’t mean I don’t worry.” 

“I was over there the other day when you were with Allen. Dropped by and didn’t know you weren’t there.” 

“She mentioned it.”

She’d also mentioned Victoria had tried to get her to talk but I didn’t say anything. She sat down in the chair and leaned on the side.

“Is she talking to you?” 

I laid the pen down. “She has talked to me about a few things.”

“But not Aaron?” 

“Nope.”

“I tried, she wouldn’t talk. But, maybe soon.” 

“I hope so.”

I couldn’t tell her what she discussed or anything, so I didn’t say anything. Well, I could but I didn’t want too. I finished checking the paperwork and left the store with a few items about one. Her car hadn’t been moved, so I went inside. I didn’t really pay attention until the bags were on the counter, then I heard it. 

The mobile was playing.

I dropped the bags on the counter and ran to that room, but the door was standing wide open this time, the mobile was playing, the little stuffed creatures slowly turning.

“Miriam?” 

“I’m here.” 

I moved into the room and she was sitting in the rocker in the corner, one of the many stuffed animals she’d gotten was in her hands. I could tell she’d been crying, but she wasn’t currently. I went to turn the mobile off.

“Leave it on please.” 

“Miriam…” 

“It’s okay, really.” 

The bed was made up, had always been made up and I stood there. I’d been in here a lot and I still wish that he was here with us, that he was lying in this crib. The sound really was kind of soothing in a way. The room was pretty much untouched, with exception to a few stuffed animals.

“You don’t talk about him.” I said.

“I know. Doesn’t mean he isn’t on my mind though. You aren’t very transparent with that either, I can tell when he crosses your mind.”

“Often for me too.” 

I ran my hands across the blanket, smoothing out a wrinkle and I heard her sniff.

“I know you want children Zachary, but I don’t think I can do it. It’s not fair to deny you something you want.” 

It took me a few minutes to really understand that sentence, was she trying to break up with me? Was this the start of that conversation because if it was, well, I wasn’t having it. I turned to her.

“What are you saying?” 

“I’m saying it’s not fair for me to keep this up knowing that what you want I can’t give you.”

“Did the doctor say you couldn’t have more?” 

“No. But isn’t two losses enough? What kind of relationship can we have knowing that you want children and I just don’t think I can do it again.”

“Is that what’s been bothering you?” 

“Joshua was right Zac. When it comes to children I am useless. He says it’s Karma but that’s not it. I’ve lost two and I don’t think I can lose another one. Whether it’s five weeks or thirty-five.”

I moved to the ottoman she wasn’t using and sat down in front of her. I didn’t like how most of her rational motives began with ‘Joshua was right’, I really hated him.

“Joshua is never right about anything.”

“But he is.”

“No he’s not Miriam.” 

“You want kids Zac, you want a family. I know you do, you’ve told me before many times. You are a normal man, you like sex. I don’t know if I ever can have sex again. Even with birth control there’s always a risk. I don’t want to risk another one.”

That really was big. I couldn’t deny that I’d wanted kids; I’d mentioned it more than once to her. I couldn’t deny the truth in that statement. But, kids don’t have to be born into a family to be theirs; I believed adoptions and stuff could be options as well. I also couldn’t deny that I liked sex, the fact she was pretty much saying she never wanted that again was harder to justify away and the reason was valid unfortunately.

“I’ve tried to find some solution but none of them are fair to you. A real relationship is not just what we currently have. I think you’d be happier with Carrie, she can give you what you want and I can’t. I’ve seen her messages Zac, she wants you back.” 

“I don’t think you’ve really considered things.”

“I wouldn’t be saying this if I hadn’t considered it. It’s not fair to you. She can provide what I can’t.” 

I scooted in some and got her hands, squeezed them a little.

“What is not fair to me is you assuming that I would put those two single items above everything else that we are.” 

“Zac…those two things are really big ones. You want children of your own. I don’t see you being fine without sex or without children for the rest of your life. Carrie can give you both of those.” 

I moved one hand to move the hair from her face, tucking it behind her ears gently.

“But Carrie can’t give me what you do. She can’t give me the butterflies in my stomach when she walks in, she can’t give me the breathless moments when you walk into a room. Honestly, the sex with her wasn’t near as good as it is with you. Sure, sex is a part of a relationship but I do understand your concerns Miriam. If you are absolutely positive that you don’t you ever want to try, then we’ll find some permanent method to ensure it never happens. Doesn’t even have to be you, it’s far less painful for me to do it. I don’t want Carrie. I want you. I’ve wanted you for so many years that, now that I know what’s it’s like I’m not giving it up. I told you, I’ll be there and I wasn’t lying.” 

I know the words had to sink in good for her to understand them, where I was finding the courage to say them was beyond me. 

“You’d sacrifice kids just so you can be with me?”

“Yes. But, Miriam, there are other ways to have kids. Adoptions, surrogates. But, why do you think that you’ll keep losing them?”

“Because I’ve lost two. I should be a mother to two kids and I don’t have either of them. I don’t deserve children letting Micah die alone.” 

“Miriam, why are you in here?”

“I’ve been in here all day. I can’t keep putting it off; eventually…I’ll have to clear this room.” 

“You don’t have too.” 

“I do. Everything here reminds me what a failure I am at being a mother. Reminds me that nothing can change it. Aaron died. No amount of wishing, praying, and begging will bring him back to me. I know his urn is here, I just can’t bring myself to open the box. It’s like opening it will make it real.”

I think it was the first time she acknowledged that he was actually dead. She’d never really spoken about it once we left the hospital.

“You aren’t a failure as a mother.” 

“I’m not? Zachary, he died inside of me. I didn’t have a clue that there was a problem, I didn’t even know. How could you say I wasn’t a failure?” 

“Because you can’t control the placenta. He couldn’t cry or tell you he was in trouble. Remember, neither of us thought there was a problem. Neither of us felt there was a problem; neither of us felt it was bad for you to have those pains. What makes you a good mother is that it does hurt Miriam; you showed how much it hurt in the hospital. You’re grief and pain show that you love him. He may not be here with us, but he won’t be forgotten.” 

“What if I do keep losing them because of what I done?” 

“You haven’t done anything wrong.” 

“I let them take him Zac.” 

I tightened my hands around hers again.

“You were eleven, you may have known but they were adults and there could have been a possibility they could have saved him. Miriam, I know he didn’t die worried about the people around him. What he remembered was his big sister holding him and cradling him, what he remembered is you loving him. He’s not mad or upset with you. He knows full well that you have loved him since he was born. Do you think he would want you to give up simply because of him?”

“No. But if loosing Aaron was enough to push me to think the only option was suicide…what do you think another loss would do?” 

“I don’t want to think about that because I love you. I don’t ever want to see you crying like that again. I don’t ever want to walk in on you unconscious on the floor. I love you Miriam. Like I said, if you are positive that you never want to try for our own, then we’ll find the safest solution to prevent it. But, I have faith that you’ll be a great mother.” 

“You love me enough to be a monk the rest of your life?” 

“If it means I get to spend the rest of my life with you, then yes.”

Truthfully, I wasn’t so certain she would be able to be a nun the rest of hers, but if it was something she didn’t want, then I would. Because I loved her with everything. I’d given options on the permanent solution to the pregnancy risk, but maybe she didn’t understand that.

“Wouldn’t you be happier with someone else?”

“Honestly? No. I can’t force you to stay with me, but I love you and I don’t think anyone else in the world would make me as happy as you. It may not be the answer you expect, but it’s the truth.”

She sat there a little while, not sure what she was thinking but she wasn’t crying that was good. I just wanted Miriam back and I couldn’t get to that person until this depression and shit eased up and left. She made no effort to move my hands from hers. 

“Do you want me to get some water or something for you?” 

“Please?”

I left her for a few moments to get some water and when I came back she had moved to the floor, but what really alarmed me was the box sitting in front of her. It was the box containing his urn, which she had never seen and had never asked for. How she even knew where I put it was beyond me.

“I didn’t think you knew where that was.” 

“I’ve known where it was since you brought it home, I just pretended it didn’t exist.” 

I sat down beside her and handed her the water, which she thanked me for.

“I can’t find the pictures that were delivered though.” 

“I took them to my mom’s house so you wouldn’t stumble onto them again. She and I agreed maybe it was too much too soon.” 

“They were really good ones. Rebecca did a good job.” 

“She did.” 

She drank some of the water but she just kept staring at the brown box. A few times I saw her hand move slightly but never far.

“Miriam?”

“I don’t want to make it real.” 

The tone of her voice was so close to how it was at the hospital, it scared me. I got her hand and squeezed.

“It’s already real Miriam.”

She looked at me. “He’s really gone, isn’t he? It wasn’t some fake thing or my imagination?”

I used my free hand to wipe her face off. “I’m sorry; it wasn’t fake or your imagination. He really is gone. But he’ll never be forgotten Miriam. Not by you, not by me, not by anyone in our families. I wish I could change it, but I can’t.” 

She laid her head over and there she cried all over again. Not near as bad as the hospital had been, but enough that maybe she was finally accepting it. It had to be over an hour before she had calmed down. Another thirty minutes before she finally put the box in her lap.

“You didn’t put any pictures on the box did you?” 

“No.”

She carefully pulled the tape off and proceeded to remove the urn holding his ashes. It was the first time she’d seen it, not having wanted anything to do with ordering it herself. She sat the stone box in her lap and let her fingers run over the name plate which had his full name, birthday and his birth information. I had refused to put a day of death, because he’d always be alive in our hearts.

Her fingers traced the name plate, the edges, and even the angel sitting on the side. The movements were fluid but shaky. I let her sit there a while before I put my arm behind her and let her lean over.

“Do you like the box I choose?” 

“Yes. It fits very well. It’s almost like the little bird is the company.”

“I thought it fit well.” 

She sat quietly for a few moments before she looked at me.

“Would you really do a vasectomy? I recall you cringed when Allen mentioned it a while back.” 

“I still cringe when you say that word. But, yes. If you were absolutely sure that you’ll never want to try then I would. Permanent method, effective and safer.” 

“I can’t believe you’d do that.” 

“I told you, I don’t think I’d be happier with anyone else.” 

She laid her head on my shoulder. “Thank you.”

“For what?” 

“Being here, loving me despite everything. Always knowing the right words. I don’t think anyone else in the world could pull me up, I don’t think anyone else in the world could love me and tolerate me.” 

“Again, I tolerated and loved you through puberty; I think I can handle anything you can try.” 

I heard a slight chuckle. “It wasn’t that bad.”

“I don’t know. I mean you and Jess at the same time? I don’t know what mom was thinking with that timing. I think she spread us guys out on purpose.” 

“Guys are just easier, all we really have to do is move a certain way, wear a certain outfit. So easy to embarrass.” 

“Pretty sure you were evil a few times.”

I felt a slight graze of her lips against my arm. “Maybe.” 

“Do you feel better now?” 

“Still hurts.” 

“I know, it’ll hurt a while.”

“I don’t want to keep the appointment with Dr. Rexal.” 

“Why not?” 

“He’s not really helping, he just wants me to keep taking more medication and I don’t feel right on them.” 

“You should see someone Miriam.” 

“I’ve been doing some research and I think I found someone, a female. She specializes in stuff like this. Talking to you always helps but I don’t want all the medication. I think she can help me as well.” 

“Then change them. You need someone you are comfortable with and that will help you. If that’s her, then it’s her.” 

“I’ll do that tomorrow.” 

Some time passed before she turned to me.

“I love you, Zachary. I don’t know how you put up with me or why you love me so much, but I’m glad you do.” 

I kissed her forehead. “I’ll always love you.” 

“I kind of want to get out of the house a bit. Dinner maybe? I just need to change.” 

“We can get dinner somewhere if you want.” 

“While I change…can you sit this on the mantel?” 

“Are you sure you want it there?” 

“Yes. It’s time he comes out of the box and where he belongs. Where he can be admired and loved.” 

“I know just the place.” 

I got up and helped her then while she changed I put the urn in the center of the mantel, a place I knew it would go all along. She came out in simple jeans and a t-shirt but it was nice to see her in something other than pajamas! 

We went out to dinner and it was nice, she actually ate well and we had decent conversations. Perhaps, she was finally coming up from that dark little hole she was in. I was positive that soon she would begin to find her way back up to the sunshine. 


	24. The Grass

POV: Miriam

September 9, 2011

I had gotten up early to be at Doctor Robertson’s office. Zac didn’t want me to go alone but I told him I’d be fine, I needed to do this alone. I’d actually brushed my hair and left it down, put on decent clothes and I was sitting in her office at 8:45 as planned. She came to the door and beckoned me at five until nine.

“Good morning Miss Castellano.” 

“Good morning Doctor Robertson.” 

“Please, have a seat.”

I sat down in the chair and she occupied the one beside me. She was kind of short, long dark hair with caramel eyes. Her expression was kind, her body language relaxed and informal. She had a file in her lap and I presumed it was mine and she confirmed that moments later.

“I read your files, thank you for having them fax things over. It allowed me time to read it before you came in.” 

“I knew you’d need them. Not my first trip to a therapist.” 

“I see. There’s quite a bit of history here but I want to know what brings you in today. This tells me about your parents, your little brother, and what happen before. But, what about right now?” 

I knew what she wanted, admittance to the reason I was here. Why come to a therapist if you can’t admit to them what the problem was. 

“July 16 th, I delivered a stillborn son, Aaron. There was no real cause or reason given, the doctor did indicate the placenta had apparently come loose but there was no reason it should have.” 

“Is that why you are seeking help?” 

“Partially. Those doctors always used medication or some temporary patch. Those patches have ripped long ago and they were never repaired. After losing him they all just…vanished. On his official due date I swallowed a bunch of pills and vodka, with the intention of not waking up. But, my friend and boyfriend saved my life.”

“I see. Did you expect that outcome?” 

“No. Not really…It wasn’t my intention that day when I woke up.” 

I proceeded to explain to her how that day went, the trip to the store, the drive home, finding the house with the sound. She listened patiently as I detailed how I tried to end my life, the reasons I felt I wasn’t needed on this planet anymore. It was hard even for me to admit those.

“I can certainly agree that whatever they did in the past didn’t work. I don’t like quick fixes or medications honestly, unless they are absolutely needed. I’d like to remove you off of them, slowly.”

“I’d like that.” 

She smiled. “Tell me about your parents.” 

I spent the next two hours talking about my parents and Micah, up to and including the way they died. It was something I rarely talked about that openly and that easily but she had a soothing voice. 

“Do you honestly believe it’s your fault?” 

“I begged them to go, even though they said no.” 

“Yes, but none of you could have foreseen what would happen. You wanted to support Taylor, you wanted them too and it was a big gig for him. They ultimately chose to go and I would imagine it was hard on him too.” 

“Yes. He blamed himself.” 

“But he forgave himself?” 

“Eventually, when I told him it wasn’t his fault. He didn’t make us go, he didn’t choose when we left.” 

“Did you make them go? Did you make them choose that moment to leave?” 

“No and no.” 

“I know you begged but Miriam, they choose to go. Had they known what would have happened, I am sure they wouldn’t have. But, you aren’t to blame for what happen. You were a child. The responsible person was caught, sentenced and served his time.”

“He found me actually, wanted to pay me but I told him to spread the word of what can happen.” 

“Has he?” 

“He’s given speeches at schools, youth centers, and such. I told him I’d know.” 

“Seems you do, but have you attended any of them?” 

“No.” 

“I think you should, because the responsibility of what happen doesn’t fall to you. It falls on him and he’s aware of that and he’s done his time. Perhaps you need to hear him, see if his words actually serve to help. It seems like you feel so guilty over the wreck that you ration current situations with it. Our time is up but think about this until our next session. What would have happened if the wreck never happened? Assume that other events occurred at the same times and the same ways, the only difference is that wreck didn’t happen.”

Well, that wasn’t quite the homework I anticipated but I could do that. She also reduced medications. I left her office a little after noon and tried calling Zac, but he didn’t answer so I went home. When I parked I knew he’d been busy, the entire front yard had been freshly cut and cleaned. I went inside but he wasn’t inside and I found him out back, cutting the back yard. 

I leaned against the door frame and watched for a moment. He’d chosen a white sleeveless shirt that fit very well, very tight and basketball shorts that actually were a bit tighter than normal. He smiled when he saw me, waved and I waved back. By the looks of the yard, he’d already done the weed eating and stuff. He had about three fourths of the yard left. 

I knew from experience he’d fuss if I tried and I only had one mower anyway, so I sat down on the steps and just watched. 

But the way he moved, the way his arms flexed when he pushed or pulled the mower. I remembered back to that first time with him, the attentiveness he showed toward me. What would it be like now? He was being more careful then because of the pregnancy. But then sex could lead to another pregnancy and I couldn’t do that.

Yet, the closer he got to me the more little details that stood out, like how tight those shorts actually were across his ass, how much those arms flexed and the power that I knew would be in them. The sweat that was on his face and arms and back. I had felt him many mornings the last week or so, he pretended I didn’t know but I did. 

I pretended it wasn’t a huge turn on.

When he was almost to the porch I went inside and got a glass of ice water, I heard the mower turn off but when he didn’t come inside I wondered why? Maybe he was just pausing. I actually slipped my shorts off and left them by the back door. I did have panties on! Pink ones actually, ones he’d snickered on when I chose them this morning.

I went out and found him lying in the hammock I’d put up when I moved in. Even if it was too cold to use it. That position and that pose. The closer I got the less rational my thought process was. I was back on the birth control, it had worked for years. I wasn’t taking an antibiotic either. Why exactly was I being so cruel to myself?! 

“Did your appointment go well?” 

“It did, she wrote some instructions for you on the medications. She wants to reduce the dose down to the lowest and then eventually remove them. I laid it there with the bottles.”

“It’s what you wanted, right?” 

“Yeah. I brought water, figured you’d want it.” 

“Kind of want to just pour it on me. Didn’t realize how hot it was.”

Fuck those thoughts were, well, fuck that could be arranged. He inhaled sharply when the cold water hit his chest, even though his shirt was in the way.

“Holy shit that’s cold.” 

I giggled but got one of the ice cubes and I could tell there was a little hitch in his breath when I moved to straddle his lap, albeit carefully because the hammock did move! He just seem to freeze when I moved the cube over his lips, leaving a little trail of cool water behind. I followed the cube itself with my eyes over his jaw and then down his neck. His eyes fluttered close but his hands had remained on my knees.

I leaned down, causing the hammock to rock some and hovered right over his lips for a moment, before I crashed them into his. I could feel those hormones go insane and I wasn’t the only one. I finally felt his hands move up my legs and he pulled away when he reached my hips.

“I know you had shorts on this morning…” 

I kissed him again. “I left them by the back door. You can confirm that by moving those hands a little more.” 

His hands did move and his fingertips traced the edge of the panties, before slipping under the fabric.

“Are you sure about this?” 

“Oh yeah.” 

“You know I really should shower.”

“Why?”

He only glanced at his arms, covered in grass, and then back to me. But I only answered with another kiss, because I didn’t care if he was sweaty and dirty. He’d be clean where it counted or least no grass. I was really content to sit here and kiss him and feel his hands on my ass and feel his cock pressing against me through the fabric.

I felt the pat on my ass. “Switch places with me.”

I was confused on why but the look on his face said I should so he helped me get up and even sit down, I was confused at first but as he kneeled on the ground it didn’t take long to understand why he’d wanted this. He started with just light kisses to my inner knee area, letting them move down slowly. The slight little beard tickled some. 

I couldn’t stop the little moan when he nipped my thigh. It took a little maneuvering to get those pink panties off though, but he managed without dumping me onto the ground. I could feel the warm air on the most sensitive parts before I felt his tongue glide up the slit, another long moan from me because god I missed that.

I tried to watch him as his tongue pressed a little more the second time; I moved my hands to his sweaty hair. I felt his lips surround the clit and I laid my head back, the overwhelming pleasure rippling through me. I barely felt the hammock when he moved it, to give him better access, but I did feel the slight pressure moving my legs out.

“Fuck...”

The light flicks sent little chills and the sucking was going to drive me insane. His tongue slipped down and probed and I moaned his name. I swore he smiled, but he kept on. I felt the tip of his finger but it was cold and that sensation was nothing I’d ever felt.

“Tease.” 

“Nothing you aren’t enjoying. I think I like you writhing and moaning my name, love the way you moan my name.” 

He punctuated that with a finger that probed and curled and I couldn’t do much else but moan his name. I thought he’d stop but he kept on, moving to two fingers and I gripped his hair tighter. The combination of his fingers, his tongue and that sucking on the clit was just too much. I was sure it was his name, hoped it wasn’t loud enough for any of my neighbors to hear. It took a few moments to realize I had to let his hair go before he could move and he moved beside me. I laid there for several moments just catching my breath but when I went to get up he just moved me into his lap.

“Are you sure this is what you want?” 

I didn’t bother with words, just got the shorts out of the damn way which allowed me to just let him slide right in.

“Guess you are. Damnit that feels so good.” 

I was a little unsteady at first, trying to find a rhythm that would work and not flip us both. His hands on my hips or ass helped really. There was a brief moment when I knew he was right on the edge that I wanted to stop, but it just took his fingers back on the clit to forget that thought all together. The second one was much better and I could only collapse onto him afterwards, not that he cared one bit.

The hammock was lightly rocking and there was a bit of a breeze.

“Is this why you insisted in the dead of winter to put this up?” he asked.

“Not really, I do like just lounging in them.” 

“Can’t say this isn’t nice.”

I moved my head some, better resting position on his shoulder but my legs and thighs were beginning to complain about the position, so I carefully moved them out.

“Hurting?” 

“Slightly.”

He adjusted just a bit, which still gave me that good pillow position, but allowed me to stretch some.

“If cutting the grass always leads to this, I may have to cut the grass every day.” 

“Daily? Really?” 

He kissed me. “Are you alright? I recall a talk about nuns and monks not long ago.” 

“Yeah, I tried? I’ve been back on the pill for a while now and really, it worked before. Just no antibiotics.” 

“But you’re okay with it? I don’t have to worry about waking you up in the middle of the night?” 

“Middle of the night?” 

“What? I can’t dream about you too?” 

“Not sure I want to be woken up in the middle of the night.” 

“I’m sure you won’t mind really.”

“Maybe…maybe not. We’ll see.” 

“Did the appointment really go well?” 

I laid my head back down. “Yes. We talked about my parents and Micah. She sent me home with homework.” 

“Homework?” he asked.

“She wants me to think about things as if the wreck never happened. So, everything else would be the same only they wouldn’t have wrecked. I’m not sure that they would have let me move in with you or tour. It’s hard to imagine.” 

“You’re parents loved you, if you asked them to let you tour with us I think they would have. Perhaps not during school months but you know Mom would have continued your lessons. I think they would have. I can see it.” 

It had been hard for me to figure that out and he just whips out a scenario in ten seconds?! 

“Do you really think they would have?” 

“Yes.” 

“I don’t think Dad would have been so nice to Joshua.”

“Oh, he wouldn’t have. I think your dad would have killed him honestly. But, he would have been in jail before they truly could get there. I’m sure that you’d have had more support for that first loss. I don’t think your parents would have agreed to keep it a tight secret.” 

“But then if Micah never died, he couldn’t be the reason I lost my two.” 

I felt his lips on my forehead. “I think that’s why she wanted you to do this little exercise. Micah’s death didn’t cause either of them. Honestly, if you did try again and something happened, he wouldn’t be the cause of that either. He would never curse you like that.” 

“I know he wouldn’t curse me.” 

“Good. Okay, I know this is comfy as hell but I seriously need a shower. Grass is in places grass just shouldn’t be.” 

I giggled. “If you insist.” 

It took a moment for us both to get up and I retrieved my panties and the cup then followed him.

“Yard does look good.” 

“We’ll get a riding mower soon…” 

I put the cup back in the kitchen and rather followed him to the bedroom, my phone was flashing when I walked in and I checked it.

“That’s weird…” 

“What?” 

“Joshua called, he didn’t leave a message.” 

“Has he called you since he saw you?” 

“No. He hasn’t sent anything since he came to the house that time. I just assumed he thought I was dead.” 

“I don’t care what he thinks.” 

He was stripping out of his clothes and moments later he was in the bathroom and I could hear the water running, but I needed one too. So, I stripped the shirt and bra off and went to the bathroom. He was already in the shower so I just joined. He glanced over his shoulder perplexed.

“This is new.” 

“Isn’t it better than sitting on the toilet and watching?” 

“Uh, yes.” 

It was a good shower and I just slipped a clean shirt on once dry.

“Do you know how dangerous that is?” 

“It’s only been like an hour or two.” 

“Means nothing…” 

“Hey, I plan to go nowhere else. I’m sure you’ll survive. Besides, I need to figure out dinner.” 

“I put a roast on earlier before going outside, should be done here soon.” 

When we went to the front there indeed was a roast in the pan, but the button was still off, so I checked the meat and then just made beef tips and veggies. We then settled on the sofa for some tv time and cuddle time.

Before we actually lay down though he checked my phone again, Joshua had called but no messages or texts. It was weird because he liked to leave messages. I wondered why he wasn’t leaving messages and if answering is what he really just wants.

But Joshua wouldn’t know that Zac lived here permanently now, I kind of wanted him to show up…Let Zac stomp his ass like he’d wanted too. We finally laid down about ten and I have to admit, being woken up in the middle of the night wasn’t bad at all.


	25. Why Me?

POV: Miriam

September 19, 2011

I had an appointment with Dr. Robertson last week but another patient of hers had an emergency so we rescheduled. Since I was scheduled for two hour blocks Zac was going to drop me off and then check up at the store since her office wasn’t too far from the store. After getting up and getting dressed and having breakfast we headed out. He dropped me off at ten until nine and I headed in.

She was waiting for me actually and after signing in we headed to her office. I liked the office actually, not a typical sterile room. It had color and large abstract paintings on the walls, it felt comfortable. We got situated in the chairs again and she smiled.

“How did the reduced medication do?” 

“Great. I don’t feel as sluggish as before.”

“Good. I’m sorry about last week.” 

“Its fine, the receptionist said there was an emergency and I can understand.” 

“Okay, yes the patient was…needing help then. At our last session we discussed your parents and little brother. I asked you to think about events as if they never died. Were you able to think about that?” 

“It took some assistance from my boyfriend, Zac, but yes.”

“I know it can be hard, but what conclusion did you arrive at?” 

“If they didn’t die then I couldn’t say guilt caused any of the other problems or bad things. Although, I do feel that some things would have been very different. Joshua for example, I don’t think my parents would have reacted like Mr. and Mrs. Hanson. I think my dad would have been homicidal.” 

“Do you feel that your reasons for these things happening are still valid?”

“It’s hard to say no to that question, if what I assume isn’t the reason then I have none and that’s harder to deal with.” 

She smiled. “It is. But, let’s step back. I was reading your file again and found something odd.” 

“Oh?” 

“I received the files from your original therapist after the rape occurred. As I read her file I noticed a dramatic change in how you described the occurrence.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“In the report when you explained it to her you described it as a true type rape. You put the blame on him; you indicated it wasn’t what you wanted at all. However, this last doctor when you described it you almost made it seem like you made up a new story for it. You were very vague. I want to know about this Joshua fella.” 

“I met him during the tour that year he was a roadie on the tour. Diana and Walker traveled and we all went as well. The night of the attack I’d gone down to the lobby to get myself and Jess a drink and he approached me, told me Zac and some others were playing video games. It was a common thing for them, so I went with him.” 

“Yes, that’s consistent with your initial story but why the change?” 

“He was released this year and made contact. He kept telling me that I lied about what happened that night that I wanted to go and I wanted the sex. He even sent an audio recording where he’s asking me and I am saying yes.” 

“Do you believe the recording is read?”

“It sounds real. He just started asking why I lied and I guess after months of the same questions and same comments I just believed it. He was there that day, he’s the reason I went into the nursery in the first place. He said it was Karma that was why my son died. Because I lied on him.” 

Her brow furrowed. “He was in the house?” 

“Yes.”

“Has he made any contact since then?” 

“He didn’t for a long time, not until the afternoo0n of our first appointment. He called, but he didn’t leave a message. He’s done that several times. We do tell the detectives but apparently the protection order did expire. We’re going tomorrow to renew it.”

“Tell me, do you believe that the incident was real? Do you feel like you told him no?” 

I considered her question. “Part of me thinks maybe he’s right, that I lied to Diana. But, I know how Diana is and she would have been very disappointed and mad if she found out that I lied about it. She didn’t believe in lying on others to get them in trouble, considering the trouble he got from it she would have been very disappointed. I don’t think I would lie to her.” 

“You’re initial account to the therapist does sound very real compared to your current account. Do you know why Joshua would try to get you to recant?” 

“My guess is he wanted the sentence expunged, maybe discredit me.”

“When he was at the house did he attempt to hurt you?” 

“No. He talked and told me it was Karma that I lost both of the babies. That the first one was because I felt bad about lying initially, that Aaron was because I didn’t tell the truth recently.”

“But you didn’t believe that was the cause.” 

“No. My belief was because I let Micah go.” 

“But, was it really because you let him go with paramedics?” 

“I’d like to believe that’s the reason because I don’t know how to handle not having a reason.” 

“Did the hospital do any tests?” 

“They asked me if they could but I just couldn’t let them cut him open. I knew it could give me a more definitive answer I just…at that time I couldn’t justify cutting this perfect little baby up.” 

“It’s understandable. A lot of mothers in that situation can’t bear the thought either. Did they suspect anything specific?” 

“I’m not sure. He said the placenta came loose. He theorized that the placenta didn’t attach well and now that he was so big his movements knocked it lose. I’m not sure though. I just…seeing that with no reason is harder to just accept.” 

“It is, but honestly I feel like you’re blaming anything for this but the true reason which is inconclusive. A lot of women who suffer from miscarriages and stillborns don’t have answers. The majority of the ones that do get answers are usually related to a placenta problem, infections or other causes like a malformation. Which, clearly, Aaron didn’t have that.” 

“They gave me an antibiotic though, but they never said I had an infection or anything.” 

“Sometimes it’s needed to ensure you don’t get one.” 

“I just don’t know that I can accept no reason, no cause. There wasn’t one for the first one, the doctor said stress.” 

“It’s hard to accept that so terrible couldn’t have a solid cause, but sometimes it does happen. Sometimes it’s unpredictable.”

“I like reasons.” 

“Yes, but the reason you gave it isn’t realistic. You were very young when that wreck occurred and while you may have known Micah wasn’t going to survive, you did the right thing by letting those paramedics try. I would imagine it would have hurt more if you didn’t and they could have saved his life.” 

I had never considered that option, what if he could have been saved and I hadn’t let them try? That would have been my fault then. 

“Something you didn’t consider?” 

“Not once actually. I guess I focused on the aspect of him dying alone with strangers versus them actually saving his life.” 

“It’s possible. Do you know the exact causes of their deaths?” 

“I asked Diana a few times right after but she didn’t tell me until I was fourteen. My mother died instantly from a broken neck. My father died from blunt force trauma to the head, and Micah died of the same thing. They tried to save Micah by drilling holes to relieve the pressure but it was too late. She said there were internal organ damage too.” 

“Why do you think you lived?” 

“I’ve asked that many times and the only answer I can come to is luck. The car hit the passenger side which is where my mother and Micah were, the pole we hit afterwards was more toward the front driver. There really was no way to truly save any of them.”

“It’s hard to be the one left.”

“Very. I guess not many patients are like me.” 

“You’d be surprised. Just maybe not from wrecks. But home invasions gone wrong, robberies, accidents outside vehicular ones, it’s not as uncommon as one would think. The same applied to women losing babies. It’s a hard thing to overcome and work through.” 

“I thought the first one was bad, I didn’t feel as badly because I think honestly I really didn’t want the baby. To some degree the loss was more of a relief. But, Aaron was different. I had accepted and wanted him. Zac was going to be there and it was perfect. I just don’t know if I can risk it now.” 

“Understandable.”

We spent the remainder of the time discussing Joshua’s tactics to wear me down to believe him. I left knowing that the story I gave Diana, the story I told to the police and detectives was the truth. What he said was all lies to bring me down. 

“Did today’s session go well? You look a little ragged.” 

“Thanks honey, I appreciate the compliment. We discussed the wreck and Aaron and Joshua.” 

“All three?” 

“Kind of interrelated in some areas. We spent the last hour talking about Joshua actually. Going over things and I am certain that what I told Mama Diana is the truth.” 

“Good. So, do you want some lunch?” 

“Starving.” 

We swung by Taco Beuno and got lunch. I still felt pretty useless when it came to the store but I understood that I couldn’t do them justice without feeling better myself. I couldn’t even focus on paperwork or on things and right now I wasn’t sure I could stand to see a newborn or a baby right now without breaking down myself.

“Do you feel up to seeing Taylor’s kids? I know you haven’t done so well with little ones.” 

“There not little Zac, they’re five and three.” 

“Still, they’re babies.” 

“I’ll be fine. They’re family and I can’t avoid them forever.” 

He diverted to their house and the reason was he had stuff for them from his Mom, made sense to take it over. I found that seeing them was good, their laughter and smiles were quite infectious. Ezra was now very talkative at five and Penny was right with him! It was hard when they asked me where my baby was, I didn’t know how to explain it but Natalie stepped in and diverted their attention and topic to something else. Overall, I had a good time there with them. I realized I rarely spent any time with Natalie or Nikki. But, the last few months I hadn’t spent time with anyone but Zac. Rarely talking to anyone else but him. 

We arrived home at four and he went inside ahead of me, I went to the mailbox to check it but when I got to the porch he was standing in the doorway and wouldn’t move.

“Zac? I’d like to get inside and get these shoes off.” 

“No you don’t.” 

His voice no longer sounded happy, it sounded strained and irritated.

“Zac?” I asked.

“Let’s just go to my Mom’s.” 

“We’re here…I want to go inside.” 

“No, you don’t Miriam. Just take my word.” 

“Zac…”

“Miriam, just let’s go.”

He didn’t want me inside meant something had gone wrong or someone had been there.

“What did he do?” 

“It’s not important, let’s just go to Mom’s for the night.” 

“If he did anything I need to call the detective Zac. I’ll know eventually and I’d rather see it for myself.” 

He tried one last time to convince me to just leave but I stood my ground. Yet, when he did move and let me inside I understood why he didn’t want me to see it.

The living and kitchen were fine, but the baby items that had been packed and put in that room were now scattered over both rooms. Only, the items be brought out were broken. The bottles were broken lying on the counters, the pack n play was set up but the netting was ripped, the padding ripped out and inside were broken toys. The swing was also sitting up and the rails holding it up had been bent and the seat cover ripped. My eyes immediately went to the mantel and relief that his urn was in the same place and untouched. 

“Miriam.”

I moved from the living room to the nursery door and there wasn’t anything in here that hadn’t been touched, ripped, broken or otherwise destroyed. There were holes in the walls, especially around his name. But what hit hard were the pictures that were on the dresser, they were all ripped and destroyed. 

I felt his hands come around my waist and tighten around me.

“It’s fixable.” 

“Those pictures aren’t fixable. Please tell me the box from the hospital wasn’t in here.” 

“The box containing his suit and blanket are at my mother’s still. Those pictures were prints from my phone and camera, those images are still on those devices and on mom’s computer and mine. I can reprint every photo he ripped up. The room can be fixed.” 

“You know why he done this, right?” 

“Yes. Because he wants to hurt you and he knows the easiest way is to target Aaron. He knows the loss was hard and that these are the last things that really linked you to him. He knows you haven’t cleared it because you weren’t ready. But, there is something he doesn’t know.” 

“Really? What is that?” 

I felt his arms tighten around me and I felt the soft kiss to my cheek.

“I’m not going to let you sink back down. I’m doing very well to pull you up from that darkness and I’ve been seeing little glimmers. I’m not giving them up because of him. We don’t have to clear the room or do anything until you’re ready. Just because the items are broken and torn means nothing. He will not continue to do this.” 

“I don’t understand what he wants really. Continuing to mess with me just risks him going back to jail, why he’d risk that is beyond me. He was done with jail, he could have gone anywhere and he came here.” 

“From what you’ve told me, he feels like you are supposed to be his. I’m sorry for him. I have claimed you.” 

“I’ll call the detective, but we’re not leaving.”

“We’re not?” 

“No. It’s my home and he’s not running me out anymore. Call the security company and find out how he got inside without tripping the alarm. I’ll call the detective.” 

I went to the front yard to get away from the destroyed items that I once treasured so much. I called the detective who came out right away. He surveyed what was done and asked some questions, talked to the security people himself who said my code was used, so we changed both of ours to something harder.

“Are you going to do anything now? Arrest him maybe?” 

“I am. I’m having forensics come print some things, see if we can prove he was here.” 

My guess is he used gloves but I allowed them to spread black dust over the items and find nothing. They didn’t even find mine or Zac’s prints on them and there should have been since he put them together and I had touched them not long ago. 

I didn’t understand Joshua at all. He served his time, why come back now? Why bother? Once the detective had left leaving us with a ‘he would talk to him’ type commitment we were left alone. Despite the fact that seeing the items hurt I couldn’t bring myself to throw anything away just yet.

“Talk to me Miriam. It’s not good to just bottle things up. We could have gone to Mom’s.” 

“I know we could have. She would never deny us a night there but he’s trying to scare me and I’m not letting him win. This is my home. Not his.”

“But seeing the items hurts.” 

“Of course. No one has asked for their item back and honestly, I was thinking when I could let it go that a shelter or someone in need could really use it. But he’s taken that away from me too. I don’t know what the fuck he wants from me. He served his time. He should be leaving me alone.” 

He gave me his bear hug and that did make things better. It didn’t take away the pain that some jackass has taken memories and destroyed them. Oddly, he had touched everything of Aaron’s but he hadn’t moved the urn nor done anything to it. 

“If he wanted to really hurt me, why didn’t he touch the urn? That would have done it.” 

“I’m not sure.”

“Can you do me a favor?” 

“Anything.”

“Can you please take his urn to your Mom’s and put it with the box? I can handle the items that will never be used, but if he does something to that then I’ll be done for.” 

“I’ll take it until its safe. But, know that anytime you want to see it or hold it, it’ll be there.” 

“I know.” 

“Do you want to put any of this back into the room?” 

“I’m not sure really, I’m not sure how to feel about it. I think for the moment it’ll be fine.” 

“Sure?” 

“Yeah. I think I just want pizza and bed.” 

“That can be arranged, you’d be going to bed really early though.” 

“Who said I was going to bed to sleep?” 

“Well…no one really. Suppose going to bed early for other activities is completely fine.” 

He ordered the pizza while I changed clothes, opting for just a shirt and I was nice for the blue panties. I eyed the items as we waited for the pizza. It really was just stuff, I mean it represented a child I would never have but ultimately it was items. The walls could be fixed, the items weren’t needed really. But, I would have preferred giving people the chance to get their money back if they chose or to let someone else who could use the items have them.

Pizza was a distraction from those thoughts and of course once dinner was over and left over’s were put up he made damn sure I forgot what Joshua had done, forgot everything but how much he cares and that he would always be there for me.   



	26. D.A.R.E.

POV: Miriam

October 3, 2011

They had arrested Joshua but since there was no proof that it was him, they had to release him again. That done it for me, I put cameras on the front and back door and linked them to a motion sensor so I would know and have proof of anyone who entered the house. He was still calling but no messages and the detective advised I not answer them so I wasn’t. It confused me still on why he wasn’t leaving messages or texting when that was his favorite method to do earlier.

The therapist kept telling me I needed to see if Caleb Bayne was doing what I asked, while I knew he was speaking at various places I hadn’t ever attended. She encouraged me to attend and he was speaking today at a D.A.R.E assembly at the local high school. Zac didn’t understand why I wanted to go alone but he eventually said he’d check in with the store while I was there. 

The assembly started at nine but he wasn’t scheduled until 9:45 so I slipped into the auditorium at 9:30. Dozens of teenagers sitting around the gym listening to police officers ramble on about the dangers that drugs and drinking pose. Each face looked bored and uninterested, which is exactly how I remember being when I was here as a teen. The officer’s speeches were mostly the same things, but finally they introduced him.

Caleb looked a little better since he’d been out of jail a while. He was wearing blue jeans and a nice button down green shirt, his hair was combed and he stood there a few moments.

“I remember the dare program at my school, I think my face looked liked everyone one of yours. Bored, uninterested, wondering why a bunch of cops are lecturing me on why drugs are bad and why drinking is bad when so many adults partake it in. Am I right?” 

The students around me agreed with him and even I could agree.

“I had the same questions and I ignored most of what they said that day. I was a teenager, I was invisible. Nothing could hurt me, nothing could bring me down. I had the world in front of me; I had my entire life to look forward too. At the time I was going to be a doctor, had my grades top notch and was already applying for various grants so I could attend the school I wanted. Most of you are probably doing the same thing, maybe not those in 9 th and 10 th grade, but 11 th and 12 th, for sure you are.” 

Again, everyone around me agreed with his assessment that they had career plans and goals. I never knew he wanted to be a doctor. I hadn’t cared when I was eleven to know anything about him. In fact, I hadn’t cared at all.

“On April 20, 1996 I joined a bunch of my friends at a party, pre-graduation party we were so close to the end. Someone brought alcohol and someone else brought the drugs, for hours I did both. Little weed here, shot there and by midnight I was ready to go home and climb in bed. I made the choice to get in my car and drive myself home. I thought I was invincible, that nothing could happen to me.”

On the white sheet hanging from the far wall came a photo of the wreck, showed both cars and I hadn’t expected to see that and god damn did it hurt to see how badly that car was and I had lived. 

“April 21 , 1996 at 1:15 in the morning I was speeding down this road and looked down to check my phone and when I looked up, this vehicle here was right in front of me. I couldn’t react fast enough or precise enough because of the drugs and alcohol I had consumed. I t-boned the vehicle going fifty miles an hour. Pushing it literally across the intersection and while my car stopped theirs did not. The car hit a light pole on the other side of the intersection.”

The students around me gasped, some seemed confused, and others seemed astonished.

“April 21 at 1;15 in the morning. My dreams of being a doctor died. My dreams of going to college, finding my future wife and having children died. Police arrived quickly and I didn’t understand until about noon the next day when the buzz faded, then the high faded that I had killed three people.”

“Shit!” someone around me said.

He paused, another photo of the wreck, this time our car and the blood in the seats that were my parents, the car seat that had broken and the blood in the back that was me and Micah. I had to turn away from the picture.

“Under normal circumstances I might have gotten a slap on the wrist, despite what had occurred. But, because I was high and drunk at the time they charged me with three counts of vehicular homicide. I served fifteen years in jail for this one accident. Was it worth it?”

He paused several moments, contemplating the next words.

“What was supposed to be a weekend celebration for finishing high school, turned into a nightmare. I finished high school in jail, no graduation for me. No walk to receive my diploma. No scholarships now, because they don’t give them to felons. No good medical school would allow me in even if they would; I’m too old for that now. Was it worth it? No.” 

Someone near the front raised a hand and he pointed, having someone take a microphone to them.

“So what? Obviously your life was ruined but you had fun. They died. What’s the big deal?” 

He seemed as shocked as I was! How could anyone be so…cruel.

“My life was ruined but it wasn’t the only one.” 

“How did it ruin anyone else’s life?” 

He seemed very confused and I realized why, he didn’t know how it impacted my life. He didn’t know how I felt about the wreck or about losing my family. I remained in my seat for several moments before I got up and walked down to the stage. I hated public speaking but that jackass pissed me off. Caleb didn’t see me until I was standing at the foot of the stage and only because officers stopped me.

“Let her up.” he said.

The officers asked for my ID first and then let me up on the stage with a microphone, god I was so nervous to be here. People were confused and admittedly they had a reason, I wasn’t on the pamphlet! I focused on the person that asked that stupid question.

“You asked how it ruined anyone else’s life. It ruined mine. April 21, 1996 is the day my parents and baby brother died. They died in that car, right there. The blood you see on the seats belongs to myself and my family. My little brother was just three years old, he never even got to attend school or be excited about it. He was the sweetest little boy and he died because Caleb chose to drive drunk. My parents were loving, caring, and they didn’t meet anyone they didn’t like. But they died in this wreck, they didn’t get to see me become a pre-teen, they didn’t get to see me as a teenager or attend anything I done. Because Caleb chose to drive drunk.”

I paused for a moment knowing it could affect Caleb more to hear it from me. 

“I was eleven years old when this wreck occurred. I remember after getting out of the car I was just holding my baby brother, crying and wishing I could do something. He was dying in my arms and there wasn’t anything I could do. I lost my entire family at once. I was one of the lucky ones because my parents had already completed a will and they indicated a loving family that they wanted me to go too and I did go to them. They were supportive and helped me deal with losing them. But not everyone is as fortunate. Sometimes parents lose their children, sometimes children lose their parents. You ask what the big deal is? It’s simple. A wreck you cause doesn’t just ruin your life; it ruins the lives of everyone involved. Do you really want to be responsible for killing someone’s child? For killing a parent? Do you want to be responsible for taking away someone else’s future?”

Caleb sniffed beside me and I glanced, seeing tears in his eyes. 

“I wish that when I was sitting here so many years ago, bored and uninterested I had listened. I wish I had stayed at my friend’s house or that I’d gotten a cab. I wish I could have been a doctor. But those wishes are just that. The facts are I got drunk and high, I then chose to drive a car. Because I couldn’t react, I ended up killing three people including a toddler. I can apologize to this woman all day, but it doesn’t change the fact that I took away her family. Consider that when you go to drink, do I want to live the rest of my life with the deaths of someone else on your conscious? There wasn’t a day in jail that I didn’t regret my decisions. There wasn’t a day I didn’t wish I could change it.”

I didn’t say anything during the end of his speech, instead I stood there quietly try to stop the stage fright and shaking. I followed him off the stage and to the back when he was done.

“You didn’t have to come up.” He said.

“No, I did. Arrogant little punk kids. It was a valid question and one you didn’t have answers too.” 

“Did you really have a good life afterwards?” 

“I did. Mr. and Mrs. Hanson adopted me and raised me with their children. It was what my parents wanted but as I said, not everyone is that lucky.” 

“I agree. You look good, your baby was due soon right?” 

Oh how much that hurt to be asked and I was sure he saw the look before I even had time to process it had occurred.

“Something bad happen?” 

I nodded. “Placenta came loose and he died.”

“I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do?” 

“There’s not. It’s been a rough few months. You’re doing well here. Now you can answer how the lives of others are ruined.” 

“I wish I never ruined yours.” 

“You and I both Caleb. But, it happened and neither of us can change that event. We can learn and we can grow from it. You can teach some of these students who think they are invisible that they are not. I’m sorry you didn’t get to be a doctor.” 

“It’s fine. It was my mistake and I paid for it. My younger sister is the doctor now.” 

“Congratulations to her.” 

“She was on the same path behind me, stopped drinking when I went to jail. So, I helped one person at least.”

“That’s good. It was good to hear you speaking.” 

“I’ll keep doing it. Been working construction too, kind of wanted business but not sure I can handle that.” 

“You’ll do fine I am sure.” 

He smiled. “Can I walk you to your car?” 

“That would be nice actually.” 

I didn’t want to mention Joshua at all but he walked me to my car in the parking lot and I was glad he did because I saw Joshua there.

“Thank you for owning up to your mistake and for really trying to make a difference.” 

“You did say you’d know. Clearly you do. You’re welcome. When they told me three had died and that included a baby I just couldn’t fight it. I wanted to be a pediatrician because I loved kids. Knowing I was directly responsible for him was just a kick to the gut.”

“It was hard for everyone.” 

He gave me a random hug and I was a little shocked but we parted ways and I called Zac first to see where he was, he was still at the store.

“I’ll come there.” 

“You may not want to do that.” 

“Joshua was at the school but Caleb walked me to the car. I don’t want to go home alone. I’ll come there. Worse case, I just hole myself up in the back somewhere.” 

“Yeah, it’s the back that’s the problem.” 

“Oh…well, I guess I can hole myself up and bitch at the same time.” 

He giggled and I parked beside his truck fifteen minutes later. The front end was busy when I arrived, least no one was waiting. I went to the back to find a lot of disorganized vendor products, disorganized products, too much over stock and a mess. 

“What happen?” I asked.

“Not sure. I know some of the stock crew was out sick, but the Tim had tried with the vendors for days and they just won’t listen to him. One of them actually demanded to talk to you, lucky he’ll be here in an hour.” 

I giggled. “He doesn’t want to speak to me.” 

“Tim and I both told him that.” 

“Coke vendor?”

“How did you know?”

“It’s his shit that’s scattered around.”

I did call our stock crew back first to have them move any products of ours to one spot. By date. 

“Lower the order until this is put out and I’ll approve any overtime so, if the others want to come in on off days or stay later then its fine for this pay period only. Cashiers can even help if they want too.” 

He nodded and they got busy, by the time the coke vendor arrived I was waiting and before he even had time to speak I held my hand up and shook my head.

“I don’t care what your issue is with Tim or Tori or anyone else working the front end. I don’t care what grip about them you have. What I care about is this pallet of out of date products that was buried behind new pallets. It is not my employee’s responsibility to rotate your products. It is not their responsibility to stock your products. So, if you have issues with either of those, they will be ignored. So, what do you have?”

The coke vendor was actually new, because I didn’t remember seeing him. But I’d shut him up quickly because he really had nothing to say. I smiled.

“I don’t know who you are, but you never ever want to deal with me if it can be avoided. Now, humor me…what grips do you have?” 

“It takes them forever to check in my drivers.” 

“They are dealing with multiple vendors at once. Unless your driver is waiting over an hour, it’s not an issue. Most of the vendors alert the front end when they arrive, by the time there unloaded and ready someone is waiting.”

He made a note but his other grips were stupid and I didn’t address any because it was mostly about rotation and stocking. Which didn’t fall to our employees, once he was handled I remained in the back of the store just doing whatever I could that wouldn’t irritate Zac. 

Honestly, it felt good that I was needed for something here. But as I swept the floors or cleaned up the trash or even loaded a cart I realized that Zac and I had done such a good job as owners in making sure that the employees were trained that we could just check in periodically. 

It wasn’t that I was useless here, it was because I trained and gave them the tools they needed to succeed without my intervention and it took not needing to be here to really see that.

“Miriam?” Zac asked.

“I swear I haven’t picked up anything above 15 pounds!” 

He giggled. “I actually wasn’t going to say anything.”

“Did you watch me on the camera?” 

“Maybe a little…or a lot.” 

“So bad.” 

He pulled me to him. “Maybe I wanted to be bad.” 

“Oh?”

He just smiled. “You ready to go? Now that you’ve cleaned up and cussed out a vendor.” 

“Sure. Do we need anything at home?” 

“I have picked out a few things already, wanted to wait to see if you had anything else to add to it.” 

I followed him to the cart, finding he’d covered a lot so we just checked out and headed home. The house was still secure and inside was fine so he started dinner and I sat at the counter and watched.

“Did the seminar go well?” 

“It did, I actually spoke. Some kid asked how the wreck affected anyone but him. I had to set them straight.” 

He laughed. “Nice. I didn’t think you liked speaking in public.” 

“I don’t, but I had to then. I had to set the punk straight.” 

“Of course you did. But you said Joshua was there?” 

“I saw him after we were in the parking lot. I didn’t tell him why but I was planning to ask an officer or leave when everyone else did. He didn’t seem to be following me there or after I left though.” 

“I’m really starting to hate him.” 

“Join the club.” 

We had dinner about six and then cuddled up to watch a movie. I considered what Caleb had said and what I’d figured out at the store. Maybe it was a good thing that I didn’t need to be there all the time. But it really was something I loved to do and didn’t mind being there each day even if I wasn’t needed. I wanted to go back. I wanted to be there and deal with stuff. 

That meant I needed to get myself better so I could get back! We called it a night about nine thirty, cuddling up like we always had and sleep found me quickly.


	27. The Reason

POV: Miriam

October 8, 2011

The last week had been a little different. Seeing Caleb’s speech had helped me some and also speaking out on behalf of my side and letting them know that it also affects the lives of others. The therapist agreed that it was a good thing to stand there and speak, even if I had felt nervous as hell and never wanted too again! 

I’d also gone back to the store again, spending the time in the back room but it was being there and knowing I could be useful even if I couldn’t be on the floor yet. The anxiety levels when I was on the floor were higher and especially if there were children in the store. 

Joshua had increased his calls since Monday. I had finally answered Thursday and he didn’t say a damn word. It confused me and made me mad at the same time! He calls non-stop and then doesn’t say a damn word when I do?! 

Since the week was long we planned to do nothing for the weekend but we did end up cutting the grass for the final time of the year and cleaning up some. It was getting colder now and after the mower was done cutting he cleaned and prepared it for winter storage. We’d gone to bed rather early planning to sleep in Sunday and be lazy.

I woke up briefly to go to the bathroom about 11:45 and nothing felt weird. I lay back down and just cuddled up next to Zac for the warmth! The next time I woke up was because I was cold and yet it took only a few moments to realize that something wasn’t right. When I tried to get up I couldn’t. I first thought I was dreaming it wouldn’t be the first time I’d dreamed about being unable to move. But, it didn’t take long to realize that I wasn’t dreaming. 

I couldn’t move because something was tied around my wrist and ankles and they were then tied to the bedpost. I pulled frantically and they didn’t budge. I knew for a fact that Zac would never do this, he’d asked about this type of play and I couldn’t do it. Even now the level of anxiety was high.

“Zachary?”

He didn’t reply but there wasn’t anyone in the room and the living room lights weren’t on. I called his name another three times before the door opened to the bedroom.

“Say his name one more fucking time and I will gag you. Now, just lay there and be quiet while I tend to him.” 

“Tend to him? What the fuck are you doing?” 

“I’d watch your attitude Miriam. I can do a lot of things to him.”

He then turned and left the room, closing the door. I tried my damnest to get free but they just tightened around my wrist and I couldn’t do anything. Our cell phones weren’t beside the bed anymore, the house phone was moved, and I couldn’t get up to do anything. The clock said 45 minutes past before he came back to the room. There was no blood or anything on his clothes, so maybe he hadn’t hurt Zac in any way.

“I didn’t expect him to be here, but given his shit is all over the house I presume he moved in. I’m disappointed in that, I was hoping I’d have just you.” 

Unlike the last time I woke up tied to the bed, I was still dressed in the same clothes I had on when I went to bed, which was good for me. He moved around the room, going through my damn drawers and the closet. He was looking for something.

“What are you looking for?” 

He turned from the closet with this cold look in his eyes. “Aaron. There was no funeral, no service, and no memorial. I assumed you cremated him then, so he could be close. He has to be here somewhere.” 

The number of reasons he wanted those ashes were numerous and none were good for me. Thank God Zac had taken them to his parents and they were in a safe in his old room.

“He’s not here…” 

He looked cold and heartless as he looked at me confused. “What do you mean?” 

“I couldn’t handle seeing them every day. I asked Zac to put them a safe deposit box. His ashes are not at the house anywhere.” 

He snorted. “I didn’t expect that. But, I guess I should have.”

He left the room and I couldn’t imagine why but he returned just moments later with the mobile from the crib. He hadn’t destroyed the mobile, but he had the crib.

“Did you like my little surprise?” 

“No. You should already know the answer to that question.” 

“I did actually, nice to hear it from you. Although, I expected you to run and you didn’t. Why not?” 

“It’s my house, not yours. Why should I run from my own house?” 

He just smiled and laughed. “Another thing that surprised me, the school. I remember you sang on the album Taylor had out and while you’d sing those lines live, knowing the crowd loved it. You wouldn’t go on stage. You hated speaking in front of others. So, when you got up and went down, you surprised me. I wondered why you were going and I would have never guessed that Caleb could cause so much pain. I wondered how Diana could have two children in the same year.” 

“I was never hers and you never asked.” 

“I wish I had, would have made getting you down easier. Pills and vodka were a good combination you just should have done that sooner in the day not later.” 

I blinked, had that been his reason? Then again, I knew he was a reason as well.

“I’m sure most wouldn’t agree with that.” 

“Most aren’t me.”

He attached the mobile to the headboard above me and pressed play. If he thought this would bother me, he was mistaken. The sound was soothing and nice but I felt him sit down on the bed and a moment later his handed landed on my knee and I looked at him.

“I tried the subtle way, I succeeded and had your little friend not come home and saved you, I wouldn’t have needed to revise my plans.”

“Why would you care? You served your time you could have just left me alone and not risk another stint in jail.” 

“Leave you alone? You sent me to fucking prison for ten years. Why would I leave you alone?”

“The threat of going back to jail maybe?” 

“I must admit I was worried about that but the detective clearly isn’t that good. Surely some message or call violated that order before it expired. Didn’t he tell you it was permanent anyway?” 

It did seem like he had but it didn’t matter now, he was sitting on my fucking bed!

“It took me months to convince you that you lied. I’m sure by now you do not believe that.” 

“No. You raped me and that is why you went to jail. You hurt me and the story I told to Diana was the truth.”

“Makes me wonder why you really lost Aaron then.” 

I just ignored that jab because he was trying to hurt me more and I wasn’t going to just let him. He had been the one responsible for putting himself in jail. As for Aaron, as much as I wanted a reason there simply wasn’t one. I would have to accept that Aaron died and nothing I did caused it.

“No response, sad.”

“What do you want?” 

“I would have figured that would have been obvious. I tried to get you to notice me on the tour. I asked Taylor about you. Want to know what he said?” 

I didn’t care, but I’d humor him. “What did he say?” 

“That you’d never date me because I wasn’t Zac. Clearly, even then he knew. He actually laughed when I asked if you were dating anyone. I wasn’t sure what pissed me off more, the fact he laughed or the fact he felt you’d never once notice me because of Zac. Ironic, I tried and he was right.”

“I wasn’t interested in dating then and Zac was my best friend and the person I wanted to be around.” 

“Clearly. I tried to sway you and get you to see that I was there but all you wanted to do was be near Zac. I’m honestly shocked you didn’t run right to him the moment I let you leave that room. Did you even consider that?” 

“I did actually, but I went to my own room instead. Honestly, you might have been better off if I had gone to him. I probably wouldn’t have told him what happen; Diana got the truth from me far easier.” 

“Yeah, I didn’t anticipate her at all. You didn’t seem to be that close to anyone but Zac.”

I tried to adjust my arms and he smiled. “There not coming loose Miriam, you should know that from experience.” 

I didn’t want to remember that night, I didn’t want to remember how the bounds felt against my skin, and I didn’t want to remember how exposed and vulnerable I felt. I didn’t want to remember how it felt to be there.

“What do you want with me?”

His hand just kind of opened and closed against my leg, not moving higher or lower. He just sat there quietly for a long time, almost like he didn’t even know anymore! Hell, maybe he didn’t! 

“At first, I wanted you. I just wanted you to see me but really, I should have listened to Taylor. As beautiful as you were then I should have waited a bit. I see that now. Sitting in the jail I just wanted to take back what I did to you, because you were different than the others.” 

His hand moved just slightly higher and I know I tensed up because that’s how he started last time. Telling me how beautiful I was, easing his hands higher with each compliment.

“When the public defender came to me and told me you were pregnant and that it would prove that my story about not ever being near you was false, then I knew I had to admit it. Why deny something when there is clear proof? He insisted on the trial, was going to say you knew what you were doing. I told him no that I’d take the plea but he said you’d crack under pressure. He was right in a way, you did but it was in the form of losing our baby. DNA still proved it.” 

He moved his hand only to press play on the mobile again and when he replaced it, it was higher than before.

“But you plead out after that. You didn’t have too.” 

“Yes. It was proof and at that point I requested a new defender because he still wanted to push the trial. I knew that I had no chance at a trial so I took the 10 year plea deal. I felt bad that you’d lost our baby and I felt responsible at first. Then I realized I wasn’t the one causing stress. It was the stupid lawyer; mind you he’s been taken care of already.” 

I really didn’t like how that sounded, taken care of implied he was dead. Had he really killed that lawyer?

“Ten years I made sure to write to you, knowing they probably would never make it to you. I was quite delusional to believe that as the mother of my child you would wait for me. Instead, I get out and you’ve had several relationships and you were pregnant. I thought that was a sign for me, that we could be a family. That you being pregnant now was a sign. I really didn’t care who the baby belonged to.”

Yep, he was delusional! Why in hell would I ever assume to be his?! Why the hell would I ever date him?!

“I didn’t like that Zac was around still but I didn’t think you were with him or anything, but you clearly are. You should have waited for me.” 

“Why would I wait for the man responsible for raping me?” 

“If you hadn’t been a bitch I wouldn’t have had too. But its okay, we can move past it. I know I need to back off because while the idea of kidnapping you is enticing, I don’t want to have to hide you. I want to show you off and especially when we do have our own baby.”

Yeah, he was totally fucking delusional there, I would never have his child willingly and I’d never leave to be with him either.

“If you wanted Aaron to be yours, why did you destroy his things? Why do you want to use him to hurt me?” 

He looked at me and those cold eyes were back. “His official birth record says Hanson. It actually lists Zac as his father. Is he?” 

“Yes.”

It didn’t matter to me that DNA wise he wasn’t, he was Aaron’s father he would always be his father. But, not everyone needed to know that Zac wasn’t.

“Disappointed. I should have known by how he acted, but honestly I never thought you’d see him in a sexual sense. All his hormonal issues were because of you and you didn’t seem to care then. What really pissed me off though, was the hammock. The way you said his name. Not once did you ever say my name that way. Not. Once! I wanted to storm into the yard and make him get the fuck away from you but I couldn’t.” 

“Hammock?” I asked.

We’d made use of the hammock a few times but I wasn’t sure which time he was referencing.

“Don’t even pretend, you were the one that walked across the yard in nothing but panties and a shirt. You knew what you were doing. You initiated that.” 

How the fuck did he know about that?! But my thoughts diverted to his hand which was now dangerously close to the hem of the shorts, just because they were on didn’t mean he couldn’t get his hands under them.

“I’ve imagined what my name would sound like coming from your lips many times.” 

It was getting harder to ignore the thoughts of the first time, how much it had hurt. I got the feeling that when he was done talking, that’s exactly what he’d move to. I didn’t expect it but he fingernails dug into my skin, causing me to yelp.

“Do you remember that first time?” 

“I try not to.” I said.

The words just fell from my lips so fast and I knew the moment I said them it was the wrong thing to say. Those nails dug in more.

“You try not to? That doesn’t answer my fucking question.” 

“Yes it does. I try not to remember that night. I don’t want to remember it. Why would I remember it Joshua? You lured me there, knocked me out, and then you raped me. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to have sex with you.” 

He got up and left the room, hastily. Fuck! Was he going to take his anger out on Zac? But he wasn’t gone very long and when he returned it was almost instant, the belt he had gotten landed right across my right thigh and it stung like hell. I know damn well I yelled in pain because I didn’t expect it!

I was almost certain the number of times was ten, but he stopped mid-swing on eleven because he and I both heard the crashing sounds in the front of the house. 

“Fucking trouble maker, he always fucking was. Don’t go anywhere…and as much as I want to just kill him..I’m going to let you do that when you walk away from him and come to me.” 

He really was delusional but he stormed out of the room, screaming about him being fucking quiet. I tried my best to get free but the knots were just too tight. Even with the bedroom door shut, I could hear all kinds of sounds coming from the front. I was positive something was happening, I could hear things breaking and crashing sounds, loud thuds. I wondered if a herd of elephants broke in or something.

But the person that came busting through the door wasn’t Joshua, it was Zac. Relief flooded every vein but then it was taken over by alarm as I saw the blood that covered his clothes. But his hands on my face were such a comfort before they were untying me and pulling me to him.

“Are you okay? I heard you screaming.” 

“I’m fine. Nothing a few days won’t take care of. You’re bleeding, are you hurt?” 

“I’ll be fine. Trust me he got the worst end of the deal.”

“Where is he?” 

“He got to the front door and ran like the coward he is. You’re okay? He didn’t touch you?” 

“Hand on my thigh, but nothing else. I’m sure that was his end goal though.” 

The grip tightened around me and I felt his lips barely graze my forehead.

“I’ll call the police. You may not want to see the living room.” 

“Pretty sure it’s destroyed.” 

“Maybe a little.” 

A little turned out to be a lot, but he called the police while I found a place to sit. My upper thighs hurt. 

“He saw us.” I said.

“He saw us?” he asked.

“The first time in the hammock, he saw us. I don’t know where he was or how but he did.” 

He snickered. “I should have hit him more.” 

Different officers showed up this time along with a different detective and once we explained what happened they sent us both to the emergency room. Zac had a reason to go, they weren’t sure if his nose was broken again and he said his right arm was hurting more than it should. They wanted them to check the marks on my leg and make sure it hadn’t done any damage, but I was sure it hadn’t. 

While we were in separate rooms different officers took our statements and then they lead me to his room where they were waiting on x-rays to come back.

“Nose isn’t broken.” 

“Good.” 

“There still waiting for the arm. I feel like maybe it’s not broke but they wanted to be sure.” 

“Did he hurt you before?” 

“Not really. I woke up tied to one of the chairs in the living room. I didn’t know why, what happen or who until he came back into the room.”

“You broke my chair to get him.” 

His hand moved and caressed my cheek. “I broke the chair because you screamed and I wasn’t going to let that bastard hurt you again like he did then. I didn’t know what he done or why, but I didn’t care. I knew I had to get free and stop him.” 

I laid my head on his chest. “I’m glad you moved in.”

I felt a soft kiss to the top of my head. “I am too.” 

We were just waiting on the nurses and doctors to release us, when there was suddenly a buzz of activity in the back of the Emergency Room. I barely heard anything but I saw the gurney go past the door and I knew who it was. Zac looked confused when I went to the door but I followed them to a room near the end of the hallway. No one stopped me or made me leave, but I could see it was Joshua. 

Doctors were barking orders; nurses were running around frantically getting various tubes, instruments, and medications. I could barely hear them talking about bullets, so I presume he had been shot by someone. I was still standing there when the heartbeat flat lined, watched as they tried to save his life.

The doctor finally stopped them. “Call it; we’ve done all we can.”

Another doctor or nurse called the time as 6:13 am. I stood there stunned and confused. But it was Zac’s arms around me that made me jump slightly.

“Is he dead?” he asked.

He had asked the doctor coming out and all he did was nod. But it wasn’t a few moments later the detective walked up.

“Ms. Castellano?”

“He’s dead…that is Joshua right?” 

He nodded. 

“What happen? I know I didn’t hurt him that badly.” Zac said.

“It wasn’t you. He apparently left your house cleaned up briefly and then broke into another house. He was going to rape the woman that was there but he didn’t know her husband was home. Her husband is also a police officer, he caught him and because he raised a knife to her throat he shot him three times.”

“He was going to rape someone else?” I asked.

“I believe he was frustrated and pissed off about what happen at your house. From what you’ve told me he was more careful than this. But, he let anger drive his decisions and he paid for it.”

“Can I…I just…I want to be sure.” 

He nodded and led us both into the room, proof that Joshua was the person on that gurney. I knew I couldn’t touch the body but I had to be sure. After a few moments I walked back outside and headed back to the room we were in before. The doctor came in and gave him a clean bill of health; the arm was bruised but not broken. We were just waiting for the release papers when someone kn0cked. 

He was tall, dark skin, black hair but the brightest green eyes I’d ever seen.

“Ms. Castellano?” 

“That’s me.” 

“I’m Richard Walker. They told me that the perp left your house and he’d been stalking you for a while.” 

“Perp?” I asked.

“The man I shot tonight.” 

“Joshua, yes. My boyfriend kicked his ass and he ran.” 

“He tried to hurt my wife, she’s fine. Few scratches and a little shaken up. But, the detective said I should come see you, let you know who done it.” 

“I could care a less who actually done it, but thank you. I don’t have to worry now about him coming back and I can bring my sons ashes home and not fear he’ll do something to them.” 

“You’re welcome. The other officer said a detective was helping and I’ll be speaking to him. Just based on what I’ve heard he should have been arrested a long time ago.” 

“Yeah, he should have.” Zac said.

He smiled. “You two have a good night and you can sleep in peace now.” 

I smiled as he left the room and then went back to that comfortable safety spot next to Zac. 

“I think…I’d like to go Mama Diana’s for today.”

“Sure? We can go home.” 

“I know. But, we need to clean up and all that shit and I just want to sleep. I won’t sleep if I go home, I’ll want to clean.” 

He giggled. “Deal. I can let Mom know what happened too but I do need to bounce by because our phones are there.” 

“We don’t need them right now.” 

He didn’t argue with that and when we left via cab we went to his parents. They were confused to see us so early but after a quick explanation we were fed way more than we could hold and then we went to his room and collapsed into bed. 

It was the first time in a long time that I didn’t wake up randomly just to make sure I was okay; I didn’t wake up at every little noise wondering if he had gotten in.

Officer Walker was right. I got to finally sleep peacefully.

  


	28. Maybe a New

POV: Zac

October 28, 2011

My birthday had gone very well, Miriam had made cake and we’d had a family dinner and then I got to go home and unwrap my favorite present which was Miriam. I had to admit it was probably the best birthday I’d ever had because of her. She had made sure my day had gone well and I was glad. 

She was still coming to the store but she wasn’t going on the floor much, she pretty much stayed in the stock room or in produce’s back area. However, I did see her on the floor for a bit last week. She also wanted to attend the party that Victoria was throwing for Halloween, which she was having tomorrow night and since Miriam took so long to decide to go, we were now stuck at the local Halloween costume shop. 

_Tori…you could have made her choose weeks ago!_

**_Not my fault she waited until this morning. But, aren’t you getting the show of your lifetime there?!_ **

_NO! She’s tried on dozens of costumes but there all frumpy ones like a nun..she tried on a NUNS outfit!!! I think she even decided to keep it in the “maybes”._

**_OMG. Sorry dude, I’d help but I’m covering the store. Suck it up buttercup; you’re going to have to convince her that nuns are a no go._ **

I sighed as she stepped out in another loose, frumpy outfit and I raised an eyebrow. 

“Seriously Miriam? Farmer Joe?” 

“What…” 

“Why don’t you let me chose a few?” 

“I don’t want to go as a slut Zachary.” 

I had to laugh. “I’m not going to pick something that shows that much off unless it was a private party with you and I.” 

She went and changed again, this time coming out in the clothes she wore here. She really had lost most of the weight she gained during the pregnancy, she didn’t want to believe it but she was gorgeous. Even with the little extra weight, she was perfect. She sat down in the chair.

“You’re turn. Maybe if you choose something then I can find something.” 

Damn! Leave it to me to choose something but I humored her and tried on several costumes, some were frumpy there was one Roman God costume that I tried on that I wouldn’t even step out because it was just too tight. I ended up choosing Thor, the god of thunder. It was from the Marvel universe obviously. She sighed.

“Roman God of thunder? Impossible to top.” 

I giggled. “There are dozens of goddess costumes.” 

She got up and headed into the store, coming back a few moments later with several options. I played a game while I waited on her to change.

“I think that this is a little…skimpy.” 

I definitely looked up at skimpy and good lord! It was basically a bra with a pair of panties with little strings and a long black veil; I motioned for a 360 spin and frowned.

“Honey I can see most of your ass.” 

“I think…I’ll find something else.” 

The next several goddess costumes weren’t really sexy to me. Too much fabric and they were mostly long white dresses but I had to admit that she looked amazing in white. She really didn’t look any happier in them either.

“I have two left.” 

The first one was horrid. The dress part dragged the ground and the top was like a swaddle of fabric.

“No. You look more like a half-dressed mummy then a roman goddess.”

She stuck her tongue out at me and went back into the room. I knew she was getting tired and if the last one didn’t work I’d find one myself.

**_Any luck?!_ **

_No. She’s tried on maybe 100 costumes? There was this one that was hot but I wouldn’t let her out of the house._

**_It was *that* skimpy?_ **

_Yes. She has one more in there and I really hope it’s not frumpy._

**_Let’s hope. What are you going as?_ **

_Thor. Roman god of thunder. It’s why she’s looking at goddess type costumes._

**_Nice. Okay, let me know if she *ever* finds one._ **

When she came out she looked as miserable as I felt right now, that was no better and I realized that every costume except the one which she knew would be a no was so modest. I got up and walked over to her.

“Alright, what’s going on? Previous years you haven’t had this problem and let’s be real, you haven’t always chosen the Nun costumes.”

“I’m not the same size Zac.” 

“You act like I’m not aware of that. Just because you’re a size or two bigger doesn’t mean you can’t wear the same types of costumes.” 

“No one wants to see a big girl in that Zac.” 

“Honey, you aren’t that big and it doesn’t matter. If you want to wear the sexier ones, get them. I dare anyone to say anything about it.” 

“You just gonna beat up everyone now?” 

“If I have too. Now, go find something you want to wear and stop getting these frumpy little things.” 

“I did get the barely there one.” 

“Yes, and you knew there was no way in hell I would agree anyway. It was a safe choice.” 

Again she stuck her tongue out before going back into the changing room, I would surely follow but I was sure someone would frown upon that. She changed and took those back coming back with two. The first one was better but not much of an improvement and she didn’t seem happy. But the last one she came out in, to me was perfect.

“It has little cuffs too, I didn’t put them on.”

The costume was a roman goddess, but it was sequins everywhere, the low dip showed some cleavage but not a ton and the bottom was a high-low, the front did a V down and then the sides went down around her legs. 

“It’s perfect.” 

“Do you really think so?” 

“Yes. I do. Little pair of sparkly heels and you’ll steal the show.” 

“It has a crown too.” 

“Even better.” 

She giggled. “Fine. I’ll get this one.” 

Again she changed and we headed to the cash register where I bought them along with the accessories. We then headed home where she hung both up to dewringkle a bit from being packed up. We fixed a quick lunch and then settled on the sofa. 

We had both cleaned up the front of the house once we came home a day or so later. What shocked me was her ability to go through Aaron’s things and find the items that were still useable. Some of the things had been in the closet and he hadn’t touched them.

A bouncer, play mat, and lots of clothes were protected and she packed them up and sat them by the door, days had passed before she finally was able to take them to the place she wanted. I was proud of her for taking that small step, even if she had cried on the way home. 

“So, I was thinking…” 

“Am I going to like this type of thinking?” 

“Not sure.” 

“Okay, so hit me with this thinking I may or may not like.” 

“So, I still feel like I’m not really needed at the store. People do ask me questions and stuff, but really, the last few times I’ve been there I wasn’t needed really.”

“But you’re not useless.” 

I thought we were over that little aspect of her worries. 

“No, I don’t mean it that way. I mean it in terms of neither of us are needed there. We trained the managers to perform their job well without us being present. I mean wasn’t that the overall goal for the store? To get it to a point where it’s income for us but not something we have to do daily?”

“Well, yes. But, if you don’t want to be there then it’s fine. We can randomly drop in and just retire.”

“I don’t want to retire yet Zac.” 

“Okay, so what were you thinking then?” 

“I think I want to open another location or more than one.” 

I was certain my brow rose questioning this assumption. She wanted to open up another store possibly more than one? I wasn’t sure about that.

“I’m not sure about that.” 

“You don’t have to help Zac; it’s something I want to do. Taylor was talking to Natalie last week about places in Tulsa that don’t have easy access to a store and that don’t have a good reliable place to go. I also don’t mean like right away, because I know we need to find places, research, and stuff. It’s a thought and not something that needs to be rushed. I just…I wouldn’t be useless there.” 

“Miriam.” 

“I’m kidding Zac. It would be extra income and something stable.”

“I’m not so certain you are kidding about that.” 

“Well, I am useless there because we’ve done our jobs and trained them right. We don’t have to be there and really it would open up our schedules so we could travel.” 

“Travel?” 

“Not like go to Japan for a month, but maybe. You liked Japan.” 

I felt her forehead for a fever. “You want to actually travel?” 

“Well, yeah. I don’t want to do it non-stop but a yearly trip somewhere would be nice.” 

“But a whole new place? Can we even afford that?” 

She simply nodded and I was confused because sure the store provided well above what we needed, especially for me now without bills. But, to open a new store? I wasn’t sure we’d have that kind of funding. 

“You’re mom and dad invested the insurance policies my parents had. Because they had custody of me they got the check. But, they didn’t need it really so they invested it. The insurance policy has almost tripled. I can pull from that and not clear it out. I can then re-invest whatever profits I make until it’s paid back. I’ve already talked to your Dad about it.” 

“You have?” 

“Yeah, you spent the day at the store and I stayed there. I asked him about any potential negatives. Worse case is the store goes under and I have less to fall back on. But, even then by the time I retire it can be replaced.” 

I hadn’t even considered another store or opening a second location. Hadn’t considered much beyond what I was already doing. But clearly she had been going that route and had been thinking ahead which to me was a positive sign because it means she was thinking about the future and planned to be present in it.

“Would you want to name it the same thing?” 

“I’m not sure, I was thinking of naming it after Aaron, but I’m not sure if I’d want too.” 

“Why not?” 

“Daily reminder, every time I’d go there I would see and remember. But, I don’t want to forget him but I’m not sure if having that daily reminder is good for me.” 

“I think you’ll do fine if it does, because as you said you don’t intend for this to be a full-time thing. Train the employees well and then we retire and travel.” 

She laughed. “Nice. Everything comes back to retiring?” 

“What can I say? I like the idea of retiring early.” 

She got quiet and finally looked at me.

“The detective called the one from the hospital. They found where he was staying.” 

He was Joshua, the investigation hadn’t totally ended. But he was dead, which helped her so much.

“And?” 

“He’d been watching me basically since he got out. The other detective had done what he said; he just didn’t do well enough. There were pictures and stuff; they found the original recording from the hotel. The one where I never said yes. He edited it from a local interview when we took over the store. He also had a room set up for a baby.” 

“He did?” 

“They think that he believed that I was his. That I would be with him before Aaron was born. The room was simpler in design. I asked them once they were done if they could donate the items since I didn’t get too.” 

“Did they agree?” 

“They would have to discuss it with others but they didn’t see a problem.” 

“That would be good. Do you think he would have ever stopped?” 

“No, he’d have kept on. It wasn’t just me. He had pictures of other women and the lawyer he had back then, he is dead and it was murder so…maybe his death is a good thing.” 

I pulled her to me and kissed her. “Maybe? No maybe. It is. He would have kept hurting people.” 

“I know.” 

I kept going back on the sofa, pulling her down with me. It was nice now that I could do this, pull her down and smother her face with kisses. It didn’t always have to be sex! She rather liked to just cuddle and I think that’s helped a lot too. As we laid there and watched whatever was on the TV I watched her, peacefully watching TV.

“I think the store would be a good idea. It would give you a purpose and a reason to go into that location; it would also give us both something to do for a while. We can settle in and be normal for a bit. No more crazy people from the past. Any other crazy boyfriends I need to worry about?” 

She giggled and I wanted to melt there.

“No, the others moved on. I really do mean that I didn’t mean it like that. I know I’m not totally useless there. I just…realized that I wasn’t really needed.” 

“It was there before we just ignored it.” 

“Yeah.” 

“I think it would be a good idea. We can start looking around and seeing what and where a location would be. Obviously talk to Mom and Dad because there are probably things we wouldn’t consider.” 

“Agreed.” 

She turned and looked up at me. “I’m getting hungry though. Dinner?”

“Sure. What are we fixing?” 

“No idea.” 

We got up and found stuff to make tacos so that’s what we fixed. She cleaned up afterwards and I found another show but somehow drifted off. When I woke up about 8 I was alone in the living room. I blinked and got up; figuring she maybe in the shower or in the bedroom but when I went by the door the nursery light was on. So I diverted and found her sitting in the chair.

“Are you alright honey?” 

She looked up. “Yeah.” 

I wasn’t sure I believed that really, she was sitting in here by herself. She hadn’t done that much since she came home.

“I’m not sure I believe that.” 

She smiled. “I’m fine, really. You dozed off and I just got to thinking.” 

“About?” 

“What to do with this room? What to do with this stuff.”

“You know it can sit here as long as you want it too, right?” 

“I do, it can sit here for a year if I wanted it too. But, the holes in the walls need to be patched and well…he’s already broken everything in here. So, even if Aaron was here, he couldn’t use it.” 

I walked over and sat down on the ottoman, it ultimately was her decision.

“Whatever you decide to do, I’ll support it. If you want to keep it here a year then it’s fine. You want to move it out tonight then I’ll help.”

“I think tonight is a little soon. I don’t totally understand why I want to hold onto it.” 

“Because you love him and you wanted him to be here.” 

“But keeping the things isn’t gonna bring him back.”

“No, it won’t. But sometimes I come in and just think about what he’d be like. What he’d do when he was older. Maybe you still need this so you can still think about that.” 

“Maybe. I think next week I want to try being on the floor some, not sure I can but maybe.” 

“Baby steps. If you think a little while on the floor will help then we can do that.” 

“I think it may, I may start close to the doors so if I need to run I can. There’s not much I can do in the stock room.”

I smiled. “You’ve done a lot to help them.”

She looked around the room before sighing. “Now I want ice cream.” 

“Random.” 

She shrugged. “I’ve been sitting in here long enough.” 

I followed her to the kitchen where I made sundaes for us both and we moved to the living room to enjoy them with the program that was on. As she sat there eating her ice cream I kind of watched her.

Could I really give up having my own biological children to be with her for the rest of my life? I’d always wanted children but she was very determined that she was not having another pregnancy. Her birth control was given every three months and I’d looked it up, it was damn effective. I was sure if there was any question we’d be using the condoms to make damn sure. 

As I watched her dip down a little whip cream got on her nose and I remembered so many moments that had happened. How her smile always made me feel good, how her laugh was always cheering me up. I’d lifted her up many times but she had me also. From broken hearts that I didn’t understand, to reassuring me that I was a good drummer, to always reminding me what real friends are. 

Could I really give up my own biological children to be with her? Yes, I could because she was my everything whether she knew it or not. We could have children other ways but I knew for a fact she would be a fantastic mother.


	29. Blast From The Past

POV: Miriam

November 4, 2011

The first day on the floor hadn’t gone well, far too many people came out and far too many asked questions so I was only there an hour before I locked myself in the storage room. So many people knew who I was, knew I was pregnant, and the absence they thought was maternity leave. I didn’t have photos of my son that I would share, I didn’t have those little moments and it was too much. Therapy was thankfully the next day. Not that it helped much; an hour was all I seemed to be okay with.

We weren’t planning on being here that long today because we were leaving Sunday, he planned a weeklong trip to Maine, stating that with everything that had happened he thought that would be beneficial for not only himself but for me. I was rather looking forward it really. A week in a cold ass climate with nothing around, I just had to make it through today and then pack. The therapist said to time my trips on the floor, a little at a time throughout the day. I was on the floor for 20 minutes when we arrived putting up bread and then I spent time in the office. 

I was just filing out papers and putting a few invoices in when I heard Tori talking. She was glad I was here and in the office, but she knew not to tell anyone I was here unless I did it myself. Yet, I heard my name by someone else.

“Is Miriam here? I haven’t seen her since August. Is she okay?” She asked.

“She isn’t here but she is okay, just we can’t talk about it.” 

“It’s understandable. I was just worried with the way she fled the whole store like that. I didn’t mean to upset her.” 

“Its okay, no one knew so she understands you weren’t doing it on purpose. I’m sure she’ll want to meet little Edward one day. I just can’t say when.” 

“Yeah. If you see her let her know I said hello.” 

“I will.” She said.

I’d stood up to see who was talking and it was Stacy. She nodded to Tori and then moved into the store and I sat back down. I remembered seeing her in August, the same day I tried to end my own life. I felt bad for the way I had acted toward her, even if it really wasn’t that bad. But, the baby was with her and I wasn’t sure if I could handle that. I also wasn’t in the right mind then and now, maybe I was. I kept thinking about it and I finally took a deep breath and walked out of the office.

I checked aisles until I found her on the canned goods aisle; I couldn’t go down the baby aisle yet. I walked down a little but I heard the baby make noise and stopped where I was. I wasn’t sure I could go any farther than where I was. Wasn’t sure I could truly do this and speak to her. But I felt a strong hand on my back and then Zac’s sweet voice filtered through the commotion.

“She’s asked about you every time she comes in. I’ll stay with you.” 

“I don’t…” 

His hand rubbed my back a moment. “It’s okay. It’ll be okay.” 

He walked with me and I was so nervous not because of her, but the baby. I could face her and it’ll be fine but I wasn’t sure I could see that baby. He’d be the same age as Aaron and I’d just see all that I was missing.

“Stacy.” Zac said.

She turned and at first she was a bit confused but I was just hearing the baby, I didn’t hear her at first. Had no idea what she was saying to me.

“Stacy. Give her a moment please?” Zac said.

“No problem. I’m just so glad she’s okay. I had no idea and then she just vanished.” 

“I’m sorry I ran from you.” 

“No need to apologize Miriam. I was worried when you ran and Tori told me what happen. I didn’t know or I wouldn’t have pressed you.” 

“I just...I came in too soon. Still don’t stay long.” 

“I understand and you shouldn’t rush it. I can only imagine the pain you felt.”

“Wasn’t very pleasant that’s for sure.” 

The intercom came on and they asked for Zac in the back and he looked at me.

“It’s fine. Deposit is ready too.” 

He headed to the back and then I saw him head to the front, odds are to take those to the bank.

“Is he worried about you?” 

“There’s a lot that no one really knows, he is worried and he has been for a while. But he knows it’s not easy to be here right now. I stopped back there and he brought me here.” 

“I’m sorry. I know it’s hard and I can’t really imagine.” 

“There’s nothing that accurately describes it, its nothingness.” 

“I can imagine, I don’t know of any words that could make it better.”

“There are none. I’ve looked at them all and none of them do anything.”

I would tell her it pushed me to try to kill myself but since that occurred after seeing her I didn’t feel like it should be said. What if she attributed her pushing as the cause? I couldn’t do that to her.

“How are you now?” She asked.

“It’s...hard to answer that too. I have good and bad days. But, I am getting to the point that being able to see the items doesn’t make me cry. It’s hard but Zac’s there.”

“Boy has always loved you; it’s so easy to see except for you two apparently.” 

“Yeah, it took some time. He’s saved my life in so many ways.” 

The baby made a loud noise and she turned but I wasn’t sure I could handle being around the baby just yet. But she just gave him toys and smiled.

“Sorry. I know it can’t be easy to see any child.” 

“It’s fine. But, I do need to get back to the front. I heard you and I just...I didn’t want you feel like I just hated you or something. It was just too soon and I heard him crying and just lost it.” 

“It’s fine honey. I understand. I’m glad you’re okay and that you’re feeling better.” 

When she gave me a hug my eyes immediately landed on the baby in the car seat. He was handsome, dark hair and eyes. But, I couldn’t move any closer and I couldn’t really study him either. Instead of going toward the baby I fled to the safety of the office to calm down. I was sitting at the desk trying not to just cry when I heard the familiar voice and turned my head some.

“Trevor?” 

He was standing at the door, concerned look written on his face. One I knew so well because he’d given me that look the few times I woke up screaming because of what Joshua had done. 

“Why are you…I thought you were in Germany somewhere.” 

“I was in Germany. But it was just for a little while. I’m here in Tulsa for a few months.” 

I had to admit that he really hadn’t changed much from the last time I saw him, little leaner, little more tone. He was in simple blue jeans and a sleeveless black shirt. His hair was a little longer as well. 

“I guess your family is happy you’re home for a bit. I would imagine your mom is really happy.”

I remember his mom hadn’t been pleased with the sudden decision either. 

“They are and she is, but I didn’t come back for them really.” 

Well, that stumped me because as far as I knew he wasn’t dating anyone either. Why else would he come to Tulsa beside his family?

“They’re your family, I’m sure you came back to see them and all.” 

The intense gaze he was giving me was giving way to the softer one, the understanding and caring face when I told him they were just nightmares, nothing more.

“They’re not the sole reason I came back, but I’ve been home about a week. I didn’t come here specifically for them.” 

“I guess she’ll appreciate your home then.” 

Wasn’t sure why that seemed to hurt, that he came home for some other girl? Well, I guess because it implied he was cheating on me.

“I didn’t come home for another girl. Valarie told me about your baby.” 

“If you came to rub it in please don’t. I’m not sure anyone can handle a second attempt right now.” 

“When she told me about that I was worried. You’d have been a great mother Miriam.” 

“Funny, that’s not what you told me three and a half years ago when I thought we were at a point to discuss children; you told me I was just too immature and childish to be a parent.” 

“And I was wrong. I’ve been wrong about a lot of things. Is there somewhere else we can talk?” 

I got up from the desk. “You didn’t want to talk three years ago when you came home, said you joined the army, asked me to be your wife and then demanded it happen in a week. You came home and expected I’d be happy being an army wife. You didn’t want to talk then.” 

“Again, I was wrong there. Please, can we go elsewhere? The whole store doesn’t need to hear us.”

“Fine. There is a picnic area beside the building.” 

“It’s November.” 

I got my jacket which actually wasn’t even mine, it was Zac’s and put it on. It was warm from me sitting on it and it smelled like him. Comforting smell.

“You want to go where you can’t be heard, that’s it. Employees are in the back and I’m not kicking them out just to talk to you.” 

He didn’t have much choice and I didn’t expect to be outside long anyway, I had nothing for him. He followed me to the picnic area which was deserted because it was cold now; no one wanted to sit here in November.

“Okay, you’re here. What do you want?” 

“I wanted to apologize.” 

“For what? If it’s for the loss of my son, don’t. I’ve heard it enough.” 

“Son…she didn’t tell me the gender. But, it’s not that really. I’m sorry for what I did then. I should have talked to you first and explained what I wanted to do. I just didn’t think you’d be so against it.” 

“Why would I not be against it? You just expected me to drop my entire life and follow you across the world.” 

“Be realistic Miriam, you could have called and Skype.” 

“I can’t run a business with calls and Skype’s. It requires I be here at times.” 

“You didn’t even have to work, I told you that.” 

“You wanted me to what? Stay home and clean? Watch soaps? Be bored in a country where I knew no one and didn’t even understand the language?” 

“You could have learned and got new friends. But, that is not relevant right now. I realized my mistake was not discussing it with you first and just expecting you to follow me.”

“It took you three years to realize that?” 

“It took six months but I couldn’t just leave and come tell you. I feel like I messed up then.”

“Shouldn’t have taken you that long to realize that. You claimed I didn’t want to travel and I just wanted to be stuck here. None of that was true, I just didn’t want to move across the world and be cut off from family and friends. I wouldn’t have mind moving in the states but you requested overseas. I didn’t want that and you didn’t understand.” 

“Miriam, you’re family died.” 

I blinked. “You think I don’t fucking know that Trevor? My parents and brother died. But The Hanson’s are my family as well. They took me in and raised me. They provided for, taught, and ensured I was alive and safe. They were and always will be my family; they don’t have to share the same DNA.” 

“You didn’t owe your life to them. They would have understood.” 

“Again, you are totally missing the point here. I did not want to go Trevor. Me. Just me. I wanted to stay right here in Tulsa. If you came to argue over that then it’s pointless, you can just leave.” 

“I didn’t come to argue that…I came to apologize.” 

“So you have.” 

“I want a second chance with you Miriam.”

“You want what? For me to now leave family?”

“I was honorably discharged for an injury. I can’t reenlist. I’m going to stay in Tulsa. Isn’t that what you wanted? I came here for you Miriam.”

I didn’t expect that at all, why would he ever want a second chance with me? He thought I was boring and not interesting. 

“Why? Why would you want a second chance?” 

“Because I love you Miriam. I wished I was here when you lost him, so I could help you. The father must have been a piece of shit to even leave you.” 

“Who said the father ever left?” I asked.

“She was sure it was some guy named Jake, she didn’t know what happen to him. Just that he was gone.” 

It seemed that for someone who didn’t want to be with me then, he knew a lot. So, I presumed that Valarie was telling her brother a whole lot of information. I really wasn’t sure how to respond to him now. He was positive that Zac and I were sleeping together when he left. Telling him Zac was the father would just make it seem like I was lying then when I told him we weren’t. I didn’t expect him to get any closer, took me by surprise when he was suddenly so close to me. His hands were warm on my neck and cheeks, but I turned my head away and his lips landed just behind my left ear instead of my lips, where he aimed. 

“Miriam?” he questioned.

“I would greatly appreciate it if you would take your hands off my girlfriends face.” Zac said.

I hadn’t even seen him walk up, but the shock on Trevor’s face was one I’d never seen. His hands slid from my face as he turned to see Zac standing a few feet behind him. 

“You’re girlfriend?” He asked.

“Yes. Officially for seven months but let’s be real here Trevor, you knew she was mine a long time ago and as my girlfriend your hands shouldn’t be on her and you shouldn’t be trying to kiss her either. I’ll let it slide this time because I’m sure you didn’t know.” 

I raised an eyebrow at Zac, what the fuck? How Trevor would know and really, was I really “his”? But I was glad he wasn’t going to be mad at the kiss or anything, I wasn’t sure I could handle more drama at the moment.

“You have to be kidding me.” Trevor stated.

Zac moved closer. “Not kidding.”

“We’re trying to have a private conversation Zachary. It doesn’t need to involve you.” 

“Not anymore you aren’t. I really did try to believe you loved her and would be good for her. I tried to ignore all the bad vibes I got about you because she was happy.” 

“Oh please, you undressed her every fucking time you saw her. Did you think I didn’t know? She may have been blinded to it but I wasn’t. I’m sure she ran right to you when she left my house. Pretty sure you were already fucking her before then.” 

He got a little bit closer and I was kind of afraid he may hit Trevor. I mean he never really liked him that was always obvious.

“You act like I was trying to hide that, I wanted you to know. I wanted you to know there was someone else in this world that loved her like you claimed. I thought if you loved her like that, you’d try to keep her. Instead you made her cry and you hurt her. We weren’t sleeping together then, but you clearly didn’t love her either.” 

“Surely you can’t be the father of her lost son…” 

“I would advise you stop mentioning our son. We are trying hard to get over that loss and you aren’t helping. Say whatever you have to say, but whether I am here or not she’ll tell me anyway.”

I was a little taken back that Zac made it very known that he did love me then. It explained why Trevor never wanted me alone with him, pretty sure Zac was extremely jealous but he’d never told me a negative thing about Trevor. Never tried to split us up or interfere. That said a lot about his character to me.

He looked at me expecting me to maybe say it wouldn’t be? I wasn’t sure what he’d expect.

“He’s right Trevor. Whatever you say to me he’ll know anyway.”

“I just wanted to see if we could try again, if you could give me another chance because I do love you. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you first and I realize that was a mistake. I should have considered your feelings in the matter and I didn’t. I’m sorry.” 

“You’re apology is accepted. But I’m sorry Trevor, I’m not single and I’m with someone that I love and care for. I tried to get you to see how I felt and you ignored me. Told me I was boring and that I didn’t want to do anything. You were wrong. I wanted to travel, I wanted to see places. But I didn’t want to move there.”

“Miriam, come on. Him? He’s been your friend for years. You can’t suddenly realize you love him.” 

“I didn’t suddenly realize it Trevor, I think I’ve known all along. He’s always there when I truly need someone; he saved my life and gave me a reason to live. He’s helped me through things you don’t even know about. I’ve known, I just didn’t acknowledge it for what it was. I have now. I’m glad your okay and safe, but I don’t want a second chance with us. I’m happy with whom I am with and if you love me like you’re claiming to then you’d be happy for me.”

“How can I be happy for you when you’re not with me?” 

“The same way I was happy for her when she was with you. I loved her then Trevor and you had her. But, I was willing to let her be happy with you because I do love her. If you can’t be happy for her while you’re not with her, then you don’t really love her.”

He moved from behind Trevor to my side, his arm around my waist.

“Is there anything else?” he asked.

Trevor looked between us, I know he wanted to say more, he had that look but it didn’t matter anymore. I was where I wanted to be.

“No. It’s clear you’ve made up your mind. I hope you’re happy with your decision Miriam. Don’t come to me when he leaves.” 

Zac actually laughed and I was confused. Why was he laughing?

“I’m not going to leave Trevor. So, you don’t have to worry about that at all.”

He seemed pissed off but he turned and walked away and I felt Zac’s arms around me before feeling his warm lips on my cheek.

“You’re freezing, let’s get inside.” 

Inside? No. Inside was the last place I wanted to go right now. Protective Zac was so much hotter now.

“Let’s go home.” 

“Home?” 

I moved my hands into his back pockets, it was warm there and it let me squeeze a bit.

“Home, yes.” 

“Home it is. I’ll let them know we’re leaving.” 

“I’ll text Tori…just get in the damn car.” 

That got him moving and I did text her on the way home and let her know we’d left, I didn’t say why. Even Zac was confused as I barely gave him time to get inside the house. It was when we were laying in the floor that he looked at me.

“What the hell did I do so I can do it again and again and again…” 

I giggled. “Maybe protective Zac is kind of hot.” 

“I’ve been doing that you’re whole life. You could have dragged me off sooner!” 

“Maybe I should have. I’m not going back to him though.” 

He kissed my forehead. “I know. How about we grab some food and maybe I can be all protective again.” 

“Twice? Marathon. Food is good though.” 

Despite everything, Zac had always been there and I couldn’t ask for a better boyfriend. 


	30. Beach Walks

POV: Zac/Miriam

November 12, 2011

Maine was a perfect plan. Bring her here away from work, friends, and other family members and unwind and decompress. The cabin was small, private, and had a spectacular view of the mountains and Atlantic Ocean. It was cold as fuck but that was perfectly fine for cuddling. I had no issues with her curled up to me at night to stay warm. 

We’d been here all week and each time I went to ask it didn’t feel right. Too many people around us, too tired, frozen and I wasn’t sure what to say or do. How could asking her a simple question feel so stressful and unnerving? I was pretty sure she wasn’t saying no…or at least I hoped not. We had a full day planned with touring in the morning and then shopping, everyone wanted something from Maine. But, right now I was very happy to just lay here with her curled up beside me asleep. I was running my fingers through her hair softly when she moved and blinked at me.

“What time is it?” 

“Like eight, our tour isn’t far and is in a few hours.” 

She made a funny face. “Is it a free tour or one we paid for?” 

“Free one, was just kind of local tour and we elected to do it so we could scope out the shops.” 

She snuggled up closer and I moved the blankets some. 

“Do you want to remain snuggled in the blankets for a longer time?” 

“Was it that clear?” 

“Yep.” 

“I think I want to just chill, maybe shop around noon and just have the downtime. It’s a long way home and I don’t want to sit in a moving car all day today too.” 

“We can skip the tour, no problem. I was debating that myself but you made my mind up.” 

She smiled and it wasn’t 15 minutes before she was asleep again. I had seen more glimpses of my Miriam, the one before she lost Aaron. I was seeing hope in the return of the woman I loved and not the one that felt she couldn’t do things. I would lift her back up to that level, it was just taking time. Another two hours passed before she moved and groaned.

“I have to pee and that requires I get up.” 

“Yes, it does. But, we should get up and get food and stuff. Want me to fix pancakes?” 

“Do you have to ask? Just always fix pancakes when the question occurs, because I’m not saying no to them.” 

“Deal.”

We finally got out of the bed, but I did miss the feeling of her body against me. The cabin was warm but cuddling was always better. She went to the bathroom and I went to the kitchen. I gathered until she came in and then I bee lined the bathroom too, washing my hands good afterwards. 

She was already cutting up some fruit when I returned, so I got to fixing the pancakes. 

“Did we have specific requests for anything?” 

“No. I mean, most were okay with post cards or something. Allen collects the spoons so I was going to find one of those for him. I wasn’t sure if Tori collected anything.” 

“She does shot glasses or anything with the states name.” 

She was eating some of the fruit and once the rest was done we ate at the table. The weather was pretty outside so once we both finished breakfast and got dressed we headed to town. Finding some shops, she seemed a little far away as she looked at the many things at the little shop we were in.

“Miriam?” 

“Yes?” 

“Are you alright? You look a little far away.” 

“I was thinking what I would have chosen for Aaron. Would I collect spoons or something? Toys I guess.” 

“He would have loved anything you bought.” 

“Yeah. How do you think the next two months are going to feel?”

I put my arms around her and finally realized what she looking at, various little butterflies on the table with Maine in the wings or some other place.

“It’ll hurt Miriam. Just like his day of birth will hurt too. But, he’s happy and he’s playing with your parents and Micah. They’ll watch over him until the time that you join which won’t be anytime soon. If you need time, just say it and we can step out for a bit.” 

“Maybe work will be a good distraction.”

“Maybe.” 

She moved on but the one item she’d been lingering on I picked up and put in the basket. We managed to cover everyone including ourselves and get lunch before we headed back to the cabin. I considered what to do, I had today and I wanted something special. We had already planned where to eat tonight, a fancy place in town. I didn’t want to ask there.

“Want to go for a walk?” I asked.

She glanced up from the couch and raised an eyebrow. “A walk? It’s like forty outside.” 

“So?”

“Beach walk then?” 

“If that’s what you want, sure.” 

She got her shoes and I made up a reason to go to the bedroom for a moment. She was busy putting her shoes back on and getting her jacket. I got my suitcase and got the ring, staring at it for a moment before putting it in my pocket. Alone on this walk might be perfect and it may be the only chance I get. I grabbed the scarf from my suitcase and went back, putting it around her neck and kind of pulling her to me.

“Gotta keep your neck warm too.” 

She giggled. “I figured you’d do that.” 

“I’m good but not that good honey.” 

We headed out the back door and down to the beach area. It was private for a very long stretch so there was no risk of running into anyone. The area was so pretty, the mountains were covered in snow and made them stick out more and the water was so blue in the center even if it was kind of frozen up next to the shore. She was taking some photos with her phone of the mountains, lake, and some of the different scenic views. She was also gathering shells to do something at home with. 

Years, I had loved her from a distance, not sure if she felt the same way about me or if she’d ever consider me as more than her friend. 

Years I wanted to ask, years I was afraid to because I couldn’t lose her as a friend no matter what. Seeing her with other men was a painful experience and none of them were ever good enough in my opinion. I didn’t even want to experience seeing her with another man now, not after being with her. Making her mine for real, would ensure that. I kind of trailed behind watching her take photos and collect shells.

She was never perfect; she was always true about that. She had faults, she had problems, and she had baggage like everyone else. She had flaws, she drove me crazy at times, she was the queen of embarrassing me, and she was quick to tell me to stop being an idiot.

But, she was also the first one to tell me things were fine, the first to be there if something went wrong, always willing to provide advice and help. She’d been there for me in so many times that I couldn’t imagine my life without her, which is why being terrified she’d say no was a big fear.

“Zachary?” 

I looked at her. “Huh?” 

“You went off in space there, something bothering you?” 

“No. What could be bothering me?”

“Being cold maybe?” 

I giggled and pulled her closer. “That’s why you’re here.” 

“It’s peaceful here. Quiet, serene. Thank you for bringing me here, I think it’s what I needed.” 

“Sometimes what you need is space to think, without a lot of noise in the background.” 

“That is true.”

She laid her head down on my shoulder and I held her a little tighter, warming her cold cheek up. She felt right and felt normal. 

When she did move some I couldn’t think of another time more perfect, she was here alone with me and there was nothing around us that could interrupt and it was so pretty here. She was about to walk away though, but I got her hand, drawing her attention to me.

“You know I love you right?” I asked.

“Hard to forget, you remind me multiple times a day.”

“I just don’t want you to forget, that’s all.” 

“I’m not going to forget Zac. Even if you didn’t tell me ten times a day, I still wouldn’t forget.” 

I was sure she wouldn’t but still, I wanted her to know each day. She was just watching me and my nerves were so tangled and it was so stressful. But the way she was smiling at me, was special. I’d noticed no one else got this smile, just me. 

I wasn’t sure what I was doing until I was already down on one knee and she was looking at me kind of confused, unsure of what I am doing. Hell, I didn’t know what I was truly doing because all the planned speeches just vanished.

“I know I tell you every day but I don’t ever want you to forget that I love you. You’ve been there for me and you’ve always been there. I can’t imagine living my life without you; I can’t imagine never being with you. Miriam Jasmine Castellano, will you marry me and be there forever?” 

I couldn’t read the expression on her face, I’d never seen it. Some form of shock and happy, I wasn’t sure. Her hand wasn’t holding as tight and I was absolutely terrified she was about to say no. That terrifying panic seemed to take over before the tear slid down her face.

“I…yes.” 

Yes. She was saying yes! It took a few moments for me to get up and grab her, spinning her in circles. I liked the way she squealed and laughed when I did that. The nerves had faded and when I remembered what I was doing, I put the ring on her finger. It actually fit so that was a really good plus! 

“Do you like the ring?” 

“Like it? I love it. Where in hell did you find one with butterflies?” 

“I had it made; I was worried you wouldn’t like it.”

“You had it made?” 

“Yes, there’s not another one in the world like it.”

“You didn’t have to do that, Zachary.” 

“I know, but it’s something you deserve. The green is your birth stone color, something you seem to like.” 

“I like the color, what can I say? It’s perfect. Is that why you set this little trip up?” 

“Not really, no. I’ve had the ring for a while I just never found a time I liked or that felt appropriate. Now felt right.” 

“It’s perfect. Did you tell anyone else you were asking?” 

“No. But you can share with whoever you want.” 

Yep, that prompted me to take the first couple photo after asking, because it was hard for her to show off the ring and us and take the picture. It was a really great photo but she didn’t really send it to anyone.

“Miriam?” 

“They can wait a day or two. Should be something your Mom finds out about in person anyway.” 

“Has nothing to do with you wanting to put that photo up in the black hole where no one ever sees it?” 

“Maybe, but more with your parents should find out from us and not social media. Besides, I don’t have a signal here anyway.” 

I giggled and we kept walking down the beach, I got several photos of her myself. Glimmer’s of Miriam that I loved. Only now there was this ring on her finger that said she was my Miriam. A ring that told everyone else she was taken and they could move on. Such as Trevor because I knew he came to the store a few times after but she hadn’t talked to him. 

I’d love to see his face when he sees that ring on her finger.

When we got back to the cabin priority one was warming back up, because we were both about frozen, followed by getting ready for dinner and I caught her staring at the ring, I wouldn’t have to always tell her now, but I would anyway.

“Ready for dinner now? Our reservations are soon.” 

“Yeah. Do I need to change pants? I’m not sure the pants stayed clean.”

“The bottoms of your pants legs are a little dirty.”

I didn’t expect she’d just strip them off there but I didn’t mind that view at all as she found clean pants and changed. 

“You know that’s totally not helping me want to leave.” 

“You can always think that way when we get back.” 

“Trust me, I will.” I said.

She giggled and we headed out to dinner, arriving early. The restaurant was nice and our table was pretty remote in the restaurant. 

“Plan this too?” 

“No. I didn’t.” 

I really hadn’t! After we ordered she was just staring at the ring. 

“Something wrong?” 

“No. Just wondering how everyone will react when we do tell them.” 

“They’ll be happy. Except Trevor.” 

“I guess you do know he came back then.” 

“Of course I know, but I also know that you aren’t interested in him that way. He may keep trying and I can’t stop him, but I know that you aren’t going to fall for that.” 

“Why would I need too? I know he’s not real.” 

“Besides, I’ll just keep reminding you day in and day out how much I love you.” 

She giggled. “I don’t think I’ll ever get use to that.” 

“It’s what they all should have been doing. But, I did really plan to ask today sometime.” 

“Why today? What made it so special?” 

“It was this time last year that I realized why no one else would ever work, it was the day I realized I loved you. Only fitting I ask this year.” 

“You’re going to make me cry.” 

I just smiled and after we had our fill of dinner we headed back to the cabin. I did rather enjoy the nice strip show I got when we returned. I was also glad I’d get to see that the rest of my life. I couldn’t ask for a better or more perfect wife. 

**-Miriam-**

I was apprehensive about this trip to Maine, being so far away from the store and families and especially this close to holidays. But, Zac had been right. Being away from family and friends is what I needed; being able to just sit by the fire and think about everything had been good for me. Being able to finally settle the torrent of thoughts surrounding losing Aaron, the things Joshua did, and even Trevor’s surprise return was good for me. 

Maine was also very cold but very pretty. Zac had planned many tours and different events and they had kept us both occupied and having fun while we weren’t here just chilling. The view here in the cabin was amazing and I’d love to wake up to that daily, but I also missed home.

I missed not having my own bed! 

What truly helped was not being looked at in that pity look, because of what happened. No one here knew that I’d lost my son; no one knew that I had to birth a baby that would never cry. They didn’t know about the horrible silence of that room, they didn’t know about any of that so they didn’t pity me when I looked down, didn’t judge when I avoided a baby or didn’t gawk over some kid. None of them cared. I wasn’t sure why people at home couldn’t realize I didn’t want them to pity me. I just wanted to move past it.

I had tried several times to consider trying one more time, but like I told Zac, I didn’t think I could handle another loss. I was pretty sure a third time would end my life as well. The unbearable pain of losing him was more than I could handle and even now I wasn’t sure I handled it all that well. My suicide attempt said I didn’t handle it period. 

I’d notice Zac’s nervousness, but I never thought proposal was on his mind. When he dropped and asked I was so speechless and confused but for the life of me, I couldn’t say no. 

I didn’t understand why he would want me, I was broken and damaged. I couldn’t have children, I had tried to kill myself, I was pretty sure the Miriam he knew and loved wasn’t there anymore. But, perhaps she was and just needed him to lift her up. 

But he wanted to marry me. He was saying he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, that he wanted to be there day and night with me. 

I never thought that anyone would truly want to be there the rest of my life, Trevor has asked but it was simply because he wanted to be married before he deployed, it wasn’t because he truly wanted to. His proposal lacked all the elegance and romance that Zac’s had. Too boot, he had no ring.

Zac was exactly what I wanted in a spouse. Loving, caring, supportive, helpful, and I couldn’t ask for someone who loved me more than him, no one existed that loved me more than Zac did. No one would ever love me more than him. Hell, no one could put up with me but him. 

As I laid here listening to him breath and feeling his body against mine I got to really admire that ring. Custom ring, just for me. Something he’d put thought into and care. Ensured it was perfect and it was. I just hoped that I could be the wife he thought I would be. 


	31. Problems

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the long gap between the two. There were some things I needed to take care and life got a little crazy. There aren't many left and I hope to get them posted without month+ long gaps!

POV: Miriam

***Warning: Time Skip.***

June 10, 2013

Zac and I had gotten married April 16, 2012. It was a very quick engagement and we didn’t make a big fuss over the wedding itself. We went with a small church wedding with just simple décor and a simple reception. His only request had been I wear a wedding dress and I’d found the right one pretty quickly. Then again I always had my wedding dress picked out. 

The first few months had been fine, we opened this store and things moved smoothly. About six months after we got married he brought up children. While my mindset was in a better place, that wasn’t something I wanted. That was the first really big fight we had, because he was certain when I said I didn’t want to ever risk it I’d only meant for then. We’d taken a week apart and while he wasn’t home I researched adoptions and had a plan when he came back. He was on board with the idea and fuck the paperwork had been massive and the interviews, reviews, and talks. It all seemed to be going very well.

Until the first of June when the letter arrived, I still hadn’t even showed it to him. I’d gotten it that day and had been too overjoyed to wait until he got home to read it. That joy died as I read that we weren’t eligible to adopt or to foster. I’d been confused and pissed until I got to the reasons. 

There were no negative remarks concerning Zac, his review and evaluations were all positive. It wasn’t until I reached my own name that it became clear why our application was denied. It was their expert opinion that I was unfit and incapable of handling stress. As if that wasn’t enough the nail in the proverbial coffin was the attempted suicide deemed me highly unstable and they could not risk putting a child in my care.

Zac had been so elated to submit the application that I wasn’t sure how he’d handle it being rejected solely because of me. Added, I felt even worse about being the sole reason he’d never be a dad. I’d wondered what he saw in me, why he choose me. Clearly his choice was wrong. 

I didn’t know how to break the news to him, so I buried it under a ton of papers and then secluded myself here at the new store, which we called Aarons. 

It had been opened 13 months so far and it was doing very well. Yet, the store had problems like any other and getting this one to the same place as the first one was proving to be difficult. Good, reliable employees were hard to find apparently. I’d gotten here at six and it was almost time to open and the only people here were the stock crew, but one was missing and Victoria who was the acting manager of this store. Two cashiers were scheduled and I wondered if either was planning on coming in today. 

I’d tried multiple things from changing pay days to earlier in the week, to writing people up, and even firing people and clearly the others didn’t seem to care because they constantly kept doing it too. This location had a separate office and I was watching the cameras when Ellen, the cashier, came in. She was ten minutes late for the scheduled 7:45 time. Least she was here! I got the phone at 8:05 and called Carla, twice she sent me to voicemail and I stopped after three calls but as I was being sent to voicemail for the third time I was beginning to fill out the termination notice. I couldn’t fire her over the phone, but I could have shit ready when she came in next time.

When the paper was filled out I sent Victoria a text to come get it, she came to the door ten minutes later.

“Seriously?” 

“I’m done Tori. She has been warned three times about not coming in, I’m done. I can’t find reliable people if I can’t trust them to come in.” 

“She has…” 

“I don’t want to hear it Victoria. Three times I have warned her, I called her three times and she sent me to voicemail. If she truly needs and wants this job then she would be following her schedule.”

She looked taken aback a bit but I was done being nice. It wasn’t getting me anywhere.

“Call every cashier we have and see if anyone will come in and take her shifts for the weekend.” 

“Okay.”

She turned and started to leave but then came back.

“Is everything alright?”

“It’s fine.” 

She frowned clearly indicating that she didn’t believe that, but she also knew I wouldn’t say anything beyond that either. She then left me alone to finish the paperwork. The money here was usually good; it was just finding someone to come in that was the problem. About eleven I walked the floor and checked the progress of the stocking crew, despite being down one person they were pretty much on schedule.

I went to the front and found Ellen was still here and Henry had come in to help. Victoria was at the customer service desk and Natalie was standing at the end of the counter. 

“Miriam! Just who I was looking for. Victoria said she would call you, guess we don’t have too.” 

I gave her the best smile I could and moved over to her side.

“What’s up?” 

“Came by to see my sister, come with me.” 

Sister. I’d never had one of those and now I had more than I needed, but I followed her outside and to the side of the building. 

“Alright Natalie, who sent you?” 

“Taylor. He said you and Zac seemed different around each other and he was worried. Are things okay?” 

“They’re fine.” 

She crossed her arms and just stared at me.

“We are fine Natalie.”

“I don’t believe that. Zac’s not here and you aren’t acting all normal. Did something happen?” 

“Nope. We’re good.”

“I have children Miriam, do you not think I can detect when someone is lying to me?” 

Why did everyone have to remind me they had children? It was like a thorn in my side that kept getting pushed deeper.

“Really Natalie. We’re adults and I am sure we can work through whatever we need too. You and Taylor had rough patches as well.”

Except Natalie had given Taylor exactly what he wanted, children. She didn’t seem to be excepting anything I was saying. But, I had a point.

“I don’t think things are fine but know that I’m here if you need to talk. I promise, I won’t even tell Tay.” 

I smiled and thanked her, but I knew Natalie. She couldn’t keep secrets from Taylor. She came back inside and after grabbing a few items left the store.

“Guess she came to figure out what’s wrong with you two?” 

“Is that all anyone thinks about? What’s wrong with us?” 

“No. But, it’s clear something is.”

I shrugged and just walked away. I didn’t need another lecture or another talk about how marriage wasn’t easy. I was pretty sure eventually he would ask for the divorce anyway. At that point then no one would be near me except Victoria. I went to the stock room and tried to clean up, tried to do anything to keep me busy for a while. I dreaded going home really, that was sad. 

Eventually I had no choice because I ran out of things to do. His truck was parked in the driveway and I finally got out. It seemed like new arguments came daily and it was getting to the point where neither of us wanted to be home. It was good that I viewed Aarons as more mine because it gave me an escape while he went to the first store. 

But I just knew the moment I opened the door because he was sitting on the bar stool and the paper he was holding was from the adoption agency. So much for a normal afternoon.

“Evening.”

He just looked at me and I could see the disappointment. I refused to have children because I was certain I was just going to keep losing them and now the only potential solution was denied because of me as well. 

“You had to have gotten this, yet you hide it from me. I had to call the agency to ask if they’d made a decision only to be told they’d mailed it out already. Why didn’t you tell me it had come already?” 

“I thought maybe they would change their minds.” 

“Miriam.” 

“What do you want me to say Zac? It came two weeks ago.” 

I shut the door and went to the bedroom; there wasn’t much I could say. I got rid of the uniform I didn’t have to wear and put on comfy pajamas, trying to maybe avoid a fight tonight. I then went to the kitchen.

“What do you want for dinner?” 

“For you to tell me why you felt hiding this was appropriate? You knew we were both waiting on this notice. Yet you get it and then hide it from me?”

“Yeah, let me just hand you the letter that tells you exactly what you don’t want to hear. Like trying to delay the inevitable isn’t decent enough?” 

“Yet I worry they’re stuck or we forgot something. Call them and make an idiot out of myself all the while you already knew.”

I just shrugged in response because I really didn’t want to argue anymore, it seemed like that was our daily or at least every other day routine. The store was consuming my life, or Trevor needed to stay away, the epic ones about kids. I was giving up too soon, I couldn’t guarantee anything would happen, it seemed to never stop.

“Its fine, we can just reapply. We’ll make sure they understand you’re fine.” 

“I don’t want to reapply.” 

He sighed heavily and I looked at him. 

“Don’t. I just want to fix dinner, eat, shower and go to bed. I don’t want to argue for the next three hours over something I can’t change.”

“That’s just it Miriam, you can change it you just don’t want too. I’ll just go to Mom’s.” 

I should stop him, I really should but all I could do was stand here as he left and even when the door slammed behind him I couldn’t move from the spot. 

Funny the last time I’d stood here like this was because I felt he was leaving and I couldn’t take that, now I was letting him go because I had no idea what to say. I’d considered it but there just wasn’t a reason for me to believe I could carry a child to term and deliver a baby that cries when born. I knew…another loss like that and I wouldn’t attempt suicide. I would do it for real. 

There was a knock about seven and I finally moved from the stove, it was Victoria and I had a feeling Zac had gone to Allen and Allen had called her.

“Nothing wrong?” She asked.

I just shrugged in reply and moved to the sofa, I heard the door and she was sitting beside me moments later. She waited for me to say something but it didn’t matter what I said anymore.

“Look at me.” She said.

I turned to her, confused on why she even wanted me to look at her.

“I know you are tired of being asked, but the last time you didn’t talk to any of us, the last time you shut us out completely. We found you near dead on that bedroom floor. I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit by and let that happen again. What the hell is going on? The two of you are likes two peas in a pod, but the last several months you haven’t.” 

I wouldn’t dare mention that the thought of ending it all had been occurring a bit since the start of the New Year. But, mentioning that would mean she wouldn’t ever leave.

“Doesn’t matter.” 

“Talk to me. I don’t care whether you think it matters or not.” 

Pretty sure she was prepared to get whatever she could and if I kept giving her nothing she’d keep sitting here.

“The adoption agency said no.”

“No? What the fuck are they thinking? The two of you would be amazing parents.” 

I shook my head. “No, he would be an amazing parent. I’m not considered fit or stable enough to have a child placed in my care. I got the letter from them two weeks ago and just buried it, he found it earlier today. I don’t think he’s going to stay Victoria.” 

“Miriam, he’s not going to leave you.” 

“Maybe he should. He knew before he asked that I wasn’t going to have anymore pregnancies, that I couldn’t do that again. He knows another miscarriage like Aarons and I’d be dead too. He just thought I was talking in the moment, that I wasn’t serious when I said never. When he left last year it was because I told him no. When he came home I had the adoption thing ready. We went through the months of interviews, psychological and background checks, review of finances, reviews of reviews.”

“He shouldn’t leave you, not for this reason. What did they say exactly?”

“My therapist gave them a recommendation, included that I was making great strides and leaps. But they said I was unstable and that one attempt was enough to warrant concern. That was like our only hope and without that there’s nothing I can do. I can’t even see reapplying because they’re going to get the same information.” 

“Miriam, you aren’t even thirty yet. Maybe, another pregnancy wouldn’t be bad. You’ll know to have them monitor it carefully.” 

“You don’t get it Victoria. I can’t even think about it without bringing myself to a near panic attack. I can’t even really hold a baby still.” 

“Miriam, there are a few photos of you with Taylor’s little one, River. He’s just about six months now.” 

I shook my head. “I’ve held him usually long enough for the picture before I can’t breathe. After holding him the first time I just cried for days because he was crying and moving and my son wasn’t. I cannot see myself doing that again.” 

She seemed concerned and well, it was pretty clear why they deemed me unstable, maybe I was?

“I think maybe you both need to step back off the kid wagon for a bit. Enjoy being married and having that freedom. Miriam, maybe they are right. Maybe you need some more time to really heal and move past it. It’s clearly upsetting and if you can’t even hold a child that isn’t yours, then how can you expect to do that to another child? It’s possible you weren’t together long enough either.” 

“They had nothing on that; the major issue was the suicide attempt because statistics says I am more likely to try again.” 

“Are you going to try again?” 

It was a simple question, should be a clear cut answer.

“No.” I replied.

Yet, I saw that look in her eyes, she could see right through the words.

“You know I don’t believe that, your words lack the conviction needed for me to believe you aren’t thinking about that route. Miriam, you know that won’t solve anything.” 

“Frees him from me, he can find someone else that will have children.” 

“But that’s not what he wants Miriam.” 

“He wants kids Victoria. It’s not completely right of me to deny that forever and it’s what I’ll be doing.” 

“And you can’t assume that this is a deal breaker for him. He’s wanted to be with you for so long and I don’t see this being a reason for him to want anyone else. There are other alternatives but really, you both need to have time. But, he’s not going anywhere.” 

I laughed. “Yet, he’s the one that left.” 

“Because he’s has no more of an idea on what to do or say than you.” 

“He was pissed I didn’t tell him about the letter weeks ago. He was just so excited about turning it in and he’s been so happy and hopeful. I just couldn’t burst that yet. I could handle if it was the length of our marriage, finances, or something like that. But the sole reason they said no, was me.”

I felt her arms around me but it honestly didn’t feel as good, it didn’t feel like his hugs but there wasn’t much of that he’d be doing. I didn’t know any other way. I wondered if I pleaded with them if it would help? 

“Have you eaten at all today?” 

“Pretty sure I have.” 

“But you don’t know? What do you want for dinner?” 

“I don’t even know what’s there.” 

I wasn’t really caring right now, what had been the world coming together and things looking up were now just falling apart. She got up and found something suitable that she called dinner; I wasn’t sure what it was or if it even tasted good. I just knew if I didn’t eat it she’d stare me down until I did. 

“Are you not leaving tonight?” 

She glanced up from the other love seat and the look told me no.

“I don’t believe you when you say you aren’t thinking about it. I’m not leaving. Whether he’s gone one day or seven, I’ll be right here. As I said, I am not going to find you on the floor or the bed or any other surface.” 

“Yet you aren’t telling him.” 

“Oh I will. He’s your husband after all and he should be aware. But, right now I don’t think him rushing here for that reason is going to do any good.”

“I’m not going too.” 

“But it’s occurred to you and that’s more than enough to warrant concern, especially with the new store and now this.”

I couldn’t fault her so while she watched TV I went and got ready for bed. She opted to occupy his side of the bed and it wouldn’t be the first time she had ever slept in the same bed but I didn’t sleep much either way.


	32. Maybe...

POV: Zac

July 6, 2013 (Saturday)

July 4 th had been pretty tense and frustrating. I was happy to be around family but the constant need to pretend everything was completely fine was hard. I couldn’t seem to make her see my side and all I ever got was she was fine. She was shutting me out completely and I just couldn’t break through that barrier this time. 

Victoria had expressed a concern that she may be contemplating suicide and that really hasn’t helped anything, I try to be fussy about her opening up and it just continued to shut her down. I wasn’t entirely sure when I stopped nagging her or continually asking but I knew that I’d have to again. I couldn’t let her fall back to that place again.

I’d woken up, fully planning to get her to really talk to me today and maybe try to work on something but she wasn’t in bed or in the house.

_Miriam? Where are you?_

**_Where I always am, Aarons. Victoria is coming in about 2 or 3, but until then I’m stuck._ **

_You were supposed to be here today._

**_Why? So we can argue over the same things? I’ll pick up pizza on the way home._ **

I sighed and sat down at the table. What the hell happened? A year ago we were elated and happy, of course that was before things went to hell with the loss of Aaron. I thought come December I was getting my Miriam back, little glimpses were present at times, until last October when I mentioned children and potentially thinking about them now. Things went to hell quick then. 

She pointedly said she wasn’t trying for another pregnancy herself. As much as I argued, tried to soothe, or convince she was completely against that. Refused to even entertain the idea. Her mind was made up when it came to having children the old fashioned way. She simply refused and wouldn’t entertain any other option there.

Adoption had occurred and it was a solution we could work with, it wouldn’t be our child but all children deserved parents. It was a way to fulfill our dreams without her risking another miscarriage or loss. But, the adoption agency didn’t feel like we would be suitable parents. Of course, if she knew this thought she would correct me and say that they didn’t feel _she_ was fit. I tried to tell her that wasn’t the case, but she refused to accept anything else.

When had she gotten so damn stubborn???

I contemplated staying home but if she was at the store it would be hours before she got home and I didn’t want to sit here and dwell.

_Allen – you home?_

**_Yep. I’ll be home for most of the day really. Have a date tonight with Lily._ **

_Mind company?_

**_Not at all…but what happen to talking to Miriam today?_ **

_Work happened…I’ll be over in like 15._

I changed into something more suitable and headed over to his place. Allen has always been a great friend so maybe he wouldn’t mind helping me make sense. I arrived and he had the door opened and waiting.

“I just let the dog out and saw you coming up the driveway.” 

“I wondered.” 

“Soda? Water? Tea?” 

“Pepper is fine.” 

He retrieved a Dr. Pepper from the fridge and we both flopped on the sofa.

“You know, I saw Miriam at the store two days ago. You both are looking quite miserable. Not what I ever expected to think or say concerning the two of you.” 

“Me either.” 

“So…you both seem very closed on this subject. Victoria told me to keep an eye on Miriam but I wasn’t sure why until I saw her. She looks…It’s hard to describe it.” 

“She didn’t outright say it, but Victoria said she felt she was contemplating suicide again.”

“Did we miss another loss or something?” 

“No, just…things.”

His brow rose. “Things?” 

“I brought up kids last October and things have been pretty crazy since.” 

“When you left for a week that was why?” 

“She basically refuses to even try. She won’t stop taking the birth control. It’s why we started the adoption process.” 

“Is there a medical reason why? Like did losing Aaron cause some permanent problems?” 

“No. There is nothing wrong physically with her ability to conceive or carry. She just won’t.” 

“You say won’t like she just decided that was it.” 

I looked up from the floor.

“That’s basically what it is Allen. She said it afterwards that she didn’t want to have another one. I thought after some time she’d see that she does want that. She wants kids, she just flatly refuses to carry or have them herself.” 

He sat there quietly.

“But no medical reason?” 

“Right. Although if there was it wouldn’t shock me if she hasn’t told me. The adoption agency sent the denial notice and she had it two weeks before I found it. After I called them to ask and made an ass out of myself.” 

“Denial? Seriously?” 

“Yeah. They denied us.” 

Again, I could hear her saying they denied her. Not us.

“On what grounds?” 

“Her suicide attempt was a strong factor and they believe she’s not stable.” 

He kind of shrugged. “Well, I mean if she’s back to a frame of mind where ending her life is acceptable then I hate to say it but maybe they’re right Zac. Does she ever actually hold River? I’ve seen a few photos but during the 4th she didn’t hold him.” 

“She doesn’t usually hold him. She’ll play with him if he’s in his seat or something but she’s only held him basically long enough for a quick photo. Taylor and Natalie don’t say anything but I wonder if it hurts them that she won’t hold him.” 

“It’s not likely they feel that way. I am sure they understand why.” 

“I hope they do, I don’t.” 

He looked quite stunned, had I said something surprising?!

“You don’t understand why your wife can’t hold a baby?” 

“River was born late last year...” 

He just stared at me and blinked, clearly I wasn’t saying something he wanted or expected to hear.

“Zac do you even ask her why she doesn’t hold him?” 

“I don’t need too, it’s obviously Aaron related. Considering she held River in the hospital and then cried off and on for days. I know most of the issues are related to losing him, but it’s been almost two years.” 

“Do you miss him? Do you think about what he’d be like?” 

“Of course I do Allen. He was my son after all too.” 

“No he wasn’t Zac.” 

“Of course he is, I signed everything saying he was.”

“So, you’re saying that you feel exactly like she does? The loss of Aaron made you depressed enough to commit suicide?” 

“No, because I knew there was a chance for more. She just really doesn’t care that I want a child with her. I don’t mind adoption, but what I truly want is for our child to be ours and she’s not going to ever say yes to that because she fears it.” 

“Honestly, if you think that way and can’t see why she’s saying no then you don’t need to have one with her.” 

“What the hell?” 

I didn’t understand what he was talking about.

He turned to me. “Don’t hate me. I understand that you accepted and were going to continue accepting the responsibility of being Aaron’s father. But the bottom line is you aren’t. You didn’t really accept that you could be in that role until April, before that you were just viewing him as her child. I know it hurt you to lose him, I could see it. You loved him but I feel like maybe your love was because he was her son, because he was part of Miriam. I have no doubt that if he’d been born fine then you’d have loved him like your son. But Zac you had the ability to be objective, your brain had the ability to rationalize that you didn’t truly lose Aaron. You lost a part of Miriam. Does that make any sense?” 

“I loved Aaron.” 

“Yes, you did. But your level of loving him is not the same as hers. She had weeks before you even knew to start developing that bond. She had eight months to bond with this child that she hadn’t even seen yet. She could feel him move, she was directly responsible for giving him the things he needed to grow and get stronger. If you think she’s saying no simply out of fear. That’s not it. She lost a part of her Zac, she lost her son.”

“She wasn’t the only one.” I said.

“You aren’t listening. Aaron’s loss affected everyone; it affected you, your family, and friends. But none of us tried to commit suicide because of it. Zac, you love her and honestly if you think losing him doesn’t affect her now you’re honestly stupid as fuck. She thinks about him all the time, she wonders every day what he’d be like. I would imagine even a year later holding River reminded her that the time she held her son he didn’t move, he didn’t breathe. It hurts on another level Zac.” 

“How can you possibly know this?” 

“I watched my Mom go through two of them. I’m supposed to have a younger brother and sister and I don’t. She lost them both and Zac it took years before she was willing to try. You have to give Miriam time to heal properly. If she’s still considering suicide or that’s anywhere near her mind then what she needs is not you continually asking or making a big deal out of it.” 

I looked at him. Did he have a point here? 

“Are you saying I was an insensitive prick when I brought it up?” 

“Considering it lead to a big enough argument for you to leave then probably. I think you both should wait a while before you even consider children anyway. But that varies between everyone.” 

“Doesn’t even matter at this point, we haven’t had sex since our anniversary.” 

“Why so long?” 

“I guess just stress, arguments, and the whole nine yards? The new store is a major stressor.” 

“And I guess you aren’t there?” 

“I go to the existing one.” 

“Does she not want you to come there?” 

“She hasn’t said. Do you think I should be?” 

“I do. You both own them and if it’s a pain in the ass maybe having you there would help reduce the stress and I think you need to back off the subject of kids. I know you’ve waited forever but trust me let her heal. She just isn’t as able as you to let go.” 

“You could have mentioned that months ago.” 

“Didn’t think that was the problem. But, you should consider that her feelings toward it are important and you assuming its fear isn’t good. It maybe fear, it maybe just overwhelming grief or guilt. You can’t just assume.” 

“I’ve tried to pry it out of her but she just doesn’t talk much anymore.” 

“That is not good.” 

“Nope. But there are no pills at the house. I’ve gone through everything and cleared out anything outdated and I keep tabs on her current ones.” 

“Current?” 

I nodded. “She takes an antidepressant and her birth control.” 

“Maybe you should plan something special, you both seem to work apart and stay apart. Plan something and show her you still love her and that you’re patient.” 

“That’s your advice?” 

“Yes. You should avoid the topic of kids for a bit. Try to view it from her perspective and not yours. You accepted him as your son but knew he wasn’t and I feel you were able to heal from losing him better because of that. She had eight months to bond with him, to grow to love him more than anything in the world and that was taken from her. Given she’s lost her parents, little brother, and her son then she needs time to heal and she may need years Zac.” 

I hated when he was right, I really really did. But, he really had a point. I was over the loss of Aaron far quicker than I should have been. I still love him, I still miss him, I still think about what he would be and how. But, I was ready to move on. Something she clearly wasn’t ready to do yet. I was about to respond when my phone beeped her tone and I got it.

**_Cancel pizza. The closers that ‘promised’ to show up, called out. I’ve called everyone from here and even some from #1. Looks like I’m stuck here closing with Tori._ **

_Still want pizza?_

**_We probably won’t have time to eat._ **

_You will. I’ll make sure of it. When does it “lull” there?_

**_About 7ish, usually 5-7 is super busy._ **

_Okay, I’ll aim for 6:45-7._

I sighed and he raised an eyebrow.

“Problem?”

“She’s not coming home until they close, so I told her I’d bring dinner there. I’m concerned that she doesn’t eat right when she works there because the office is kind of secluded.”

“I think you need to help her there. At least try.” 

“I will try; she’s rather possessive of that store.” 

He smiled. “It’s named after her son. I hate to say it Zac but you may need to contact her therapist and express your concerns because she may not see it as a problem.”

“Yeah, she changed therapist a few months ago. The one she had was retiring. This new one won’t even speak to me about her without her consent.” 

“Maybe get it then.” 

“Or just tell her myself. Maybe.”

“Maybe. I maintain though, plan something special. Do something that shows her that you still love her.”

“His birthday is soon.” 

“Wait until after his birthday; maybe do something special for him on his. Let her know that he means as much to you as he does to her.” 

“You know…sometimes I really hate you, right?” 

He laughed. “Damn those psych classes. But Zac if you don’t do something then you will lose her. Whether she leaves or dies, and either way you don’t want that to happen. You’ve loved her for so long and I don’t think you’re ready to let go.” 

“Oh hell no, I’ve waited far too long to have her be mine. I can’t just let go.” 

He laughed and tossed me a controller. “Crisis averted, let’s play then you can save them with pizza.” 

We spent a few hours playing mind-numbing video games before I headed out. I went by and got pizza, breadsticks, and drinks and then headed to the second location. When I arrived they were still fairly busy, but I took the items to the break area and then went to Miriam, who looked extremely tired and worn down.

“Go eat.” 

“Line of people Zac.” 

I reached around her and stopped her from getting the ladies next item. 

“Go honey, I’ll take care of this.”

She looked defeated but did step away finally; I took over the customer’s order and the ones behind her. Tori remained on the floor until it was slow enough that I could handle it alone and then she went to join her. It was bad that Tori was the manager here and that employees weren’t here. I made a note that perhaps they did need some more help here and maybe it would help her to relax some. 

Neither of them came back until almost time to close. 

“What’s left to do?” 

“A lot.” Tori said.

“Give me a list and you two just concentrate on closing the store up here.” 

She gave me a list of things their cashiers normally do and I set out to do them. Filling the drink machines, checking the dairy coolers and filling them up, cleaning bathrooms and stuff and then I met them up front when it was time to close. Being here and just watching really made me see.

Miriam looked way more stressed and there were several times I saw her frustration with something and she hide it. She’d also lost weight and that wasn’t good, given she’d dropped the extra weight months after losing him and had kept a stable weight since. Her hair was thrown up, she hadn’t bothered with any kind of makeup, and she looked super tired.

“Thanks Zac.” Tori said.

“No problem. How often does she open to close here really?” 

“A lot more than she needs too.” 

“Before we leave I want a print out of the employee’s names and numbers.” 

“Why? She’s already had a meeting.” 

I looked at her. “Don’t question why. My name is co-owner and I asked you for a list and I expect you to follow that.”

“Okay.” 

She’d had a meeting but I was about to have one also. I had a few cashiers that were always asking for more hours and I was about to give them those hours. I’d check the schedule and compare with the time sheets tomorrow then form a plan. If her authority meant nothing to them, I’d make damn sure mine did and they’d be happy to have her!

They secured the money and got things counted down and then we headed out, she drove home and when we got there I followed her inside. I now understood why she was always tired when she got home, why she was so against arguing.

“Want any left over’s?”

“No.”

I put them in the fridge and kind of followed her to the bathroom; she raised her brow at me.

“What are you doing?” 

“It’s later, we both need a shower. Joining you would be faster.”

She sighed and I moved some of her hair. “Just a shower Miriam.” 

Granted, I really wouldn’t mind more than just a shower but it was clear she was tired as fuck and once we were clean and ready for bed I laid down with her. No more sofa sleeping or at Mom’s, this is where I belonged. She seemed very confused but hopefully she didn’t see this as trying to butter her up. She was pretty much asleep shortly after her head hit the pillow. I leaned in and kissed her forehead, gently pulled her closer and that’s how I drifted off as well. With thoughts of how to repair what we’ve both broken.


	33. Little bit of Romance

POV: Miriam/Zac

July 26, 2013

Zac had rather brought down the hammer at the second location, clearly the employees did lack respect for me and I didn’t notice. He came in, whipped some ass and things seemed to improve a bit. The fact that there were reliable employees from Hanson’s willing to come here and fill in was nice. 

He’d made sure I had Aaron’s birthday off and stayed with me, it was nice. He’d been different for a few weeks now wasn’t pushing kids or adoptions, had actually cleared all the things away and put them up. It made me question if he was giving up on children or just figuring it was needed. Either way, I was glad that he wasn’t pushing it right now.

I’d spent most of the day at the store, but he requested I come home for dinner. Considering it was rare that he actually requested it days ahead of time, I planned to be home and actually was pulling into the driveway at 5:30.

I got out and he met me at the door.

“Evening.” 

“Evening.”

“Can you give me like five minutes? I really didn’t think you’d be home on time.” 

I smiled a bit. “Sure, I’ll just…stand here maybe?” 

“It won’t be long, I promise.” 

He closed the door and I waited here on the porch, wondering what he was doing inside. I waited maybe ten minutes before he came to the door.

“Sorry, you just…came home early.” 

“You said not to be late.” 

He smiled and moved and I went inside, the aroma hitting me first. He’d cooked and from the smell he’d done steaks with all the best sides. The table was set for two, the house was clean, even the kitchen was partially clean. 

“You’ve been very busy.” 

“I wanted to surprise you.” 

“And you did.” 

He even held the chair and catering at the table! There was the perfect cooked steak, salads and baked potatoes with all the toppings. 

“People show up today?” 

“Yes. Early actually.” 

“I know you felt a little…put off when I stepped in. I’m sorry I didn’t really ask first.” 

“I did yes, but you helped and that’s what it needed really. I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you and I’m sorry.” 

“Anything weird happen today?” 

“Not really, was pretty normal. The truck was a bit late but it let them get the floors cleaned well.” 

“That’s good. Nothing at the other one either. I rather miss having Tori there.” 

I giggled. “She doesn’t scare you anymore?” 

“Oh, she does still! But, sometimes I miss being startled.” 

“This is really good, did you use the grill?” 

“I did, charcoal too. It’s out and cooling down.” 

Conversation died down as we both inhaled food; I hadn’t had lunch so this was amazing. We finished dinner up and he gathered the dishes but didn’t bother to wash them, he vanished to the back for a few moments before coming back to the front.

“Bath water is running, shouldn’t take long.” 

“Bath water?” I asked.

He just smiled and turned the lights off; clearly I was getting a bath tonight. He was acting different, was a bit odd to have him acting this way. Contradicting the last several months. 

“Are you going to sit there in the dark?” 

“No…” I said.

I got up and went to the back; the bathroom however was…a little overwhelming. Candles were everywhere and that was the sole light in the room. There were rose petals in the tub and on the counters and the aroma was lavender and vanilla. I was a little shocked, kind of paused at the door. But I felt his hands on my shoulders. 

“Water should be just perfect now.” 

“I…have I missed something?” 

“No.” 

“Not an important date? Something? It’s not even my birthday yet.” 

I felt his lips on my cheek. “You didn’t miss anything Miriam.”

Knowing the water wouldn’t stay hot forever, I went ahead and undressed but he followed me, ensuring I was leaning against him. It really was relaxing and kind of nice.

“I want to apologize.”

“For what?” 

“Being an insensitive prick?”

“Uh, okay…”

“A lot of our problems the last few months have been me and not you. Allen kind of reminded me that while I may be ready to move on, you may not be. I shouldn’t have made such a big deal out of things when…we have time.” 

“Not unrealistic for you to want kids Zac.” 

“It was unrealistic for me to expect that you’d feel the same as I did. I love you and I want us to always be there for one another and I’ve dropped that ball so much lately. I falsely assumed you were just being selfish and it’s not the reason. The warnings are there that you just aren’t ready for that yet.”

“There are warnings?” 

I was mildly confused on that.

“You don’t hold River. When you do the days following that are often bad. That’s a pretty big warning.” 

“I guess it is.”

“But right now…it’s just relax.” 

“And if I fall asleep?” 

“I’ll wake you when the water’s cold.” 

I leaned back and I had to admit this felt more normal. Felt like we were supposed to be here and this was supposed to happen. I was nearly asleep when I felt soft kisses on my shoulder and his hands were moving from my waist, up some.

“Are you falling asleep on me?” 

“I am apparently.” 

“Wouldn’t be fun if you did.” 

“Define fun, sleep totally can be fun.” 

His left hand switched directions and the right hand came up, just cupping the right breast, the left hand went much farther south, but just over not really doing anything.

“Sleep wouldn’t be fun compared to this.” 

At that his middle finger found its way to the clit and I was almost putty at that point. It had been so damn long since we’d done anything remotely including sex and then it was only because it was our anniversary.

Again his lips landed on my shoulder and I just tilted my head away and he took the hint well, moving them to my neck. He knew exactly where to place them too and exactly where that bite should be. His right hand found the nipples, while his left hand fingers kept making slow circles around the clit. I could just become the puddle that I seemed to always occur. 

“As much as I want to stay here, the candles maybe a problem.”

“Anywhere is fine.” 

I heard the slight giggle before he moved those hands. “Come on. I’ll handle the candles.” 

I wasn’t sure if I actually could move that fast but I was pretty sure I splashed water on a few and he laughed. I did put a towel around me just to absorb the extra water.

**-Zac-**

I’d be aching for her for sure, but I couldn’t have her falling asleep in the tub. Yet, she was more than willing and I’d never say no. Even wrapped in a fuzzy white towel I just wanted to rip it off but I also wanted closeness. I used a hair dryer to put out the candles quickly and she giggled at me for that. 

I wrapped the other towel around my waist and followed her, pretty sure the little wiggle was for my benefit, not that I’d mind at all. I pulled her to me once we were in the bedroom, those lips I’ve missed so much. I let my hands slide down to her ass and her hands went to my hair. We stood there just like this for a bit, enjoying those kisses.

I finally backed her against the bed and then maneuvered her down onto the bed, moving around her neck with kisses as I felt her legs against my sides, her hands around my shoulders, and in my hair. I moved down slightly as her breathing changed slightly.

Moving the towel slowly before taking my time with the nipples, something she always seemed to respond to quite well too and now was no exception. The way her hands gripped at my hair and the slight moans were enough to make me happy but I know damn well I wanted more. I moved down after a bit, moving the towel aside as I did. 

“You are being a tease.” She said.

I kissed the spot just below her navel. “But you love every moment of it.” 

Her hands kind of fell away the lower I got, mostly because of reach and once I’d reach my destination and made contact they went to the covers. Never would I mind her scent or taste, never would I mind the way she reacted to oral sex. The way her body arched as she got close, the way her hands always found their way back to my hair, the moans and potentially screams if I really want them. 

What I always loved was as I kissed my way back up, the way she looked. Just gorgeous. It was Miriam that pulled me to her and usually she needed a little bit of time but clearly she didn’t want that tonight. She even got rid of the towel easily as well.

I really didn’t expect her to be the one to flip us, kind of shocked me. Not that I’d ever mind her being on top. 

“This is..newish.” 

Her response? A nice long kiss as she moved herself down onto me. That was a monumental sensation there the feeling of her lips against mine as the warmth wrapped around me. She moved down and stopped, I moved my hands down her sides and to her ass.

“You okay?” 

“Perfect.” 

She went after my neck and at the same time her hips began to rotate in a circle and I couldn’t help that moan.

“You’ve been researching again…” I mumbled.

I felt the little bite, before she started slightly rocking. 

“Fuck Miriam, that feels so good.” 

I moved my hands to her hips but let them move with her, the combination of circles and rocking was very different. I kept my hands there until she stopped doing that and I held her still, showing off a bit of my own. A little faster and a little harder than she chose and it had her panting and moaning louder in minutes.

“Show off.” She quipped when I slowed.

I kissed her shoulder as I moved slowly, in and out of her. “Not even close.” 

When she did return to the one setting the pace it wasn’t much faster. She sometimes wanted that pace, slow. Now was one of those times and I was perfectly fine to let her do that because it really was better sometimes. Especially with a little fast and hard mingled in, which she didn’t try to stop.

When it was clear her legs were getting tired I guided her to move, laying her down which allowed me to keep that slow movement and have her close to me. Her hands stayed in my hair except for the occasional move down my side or ass grab. 

When she wanted harder I moved her on over, gave me the chance to do that. That got the very vocal moans and the eventual screaming of my name, which always pushed me over the edge. At that point neither of us could breathe well and we both needed another shower. 

I moved over and she moved right into the space beside me and cuddled up. I didn’t object just laid there letting my heart rate and breathing return to normal. 

“Do I have to go in tomorrow?” She asked.

“Not if it’s covered.” 

“Good, that means I can totally sleep then.” 

I kissed her forehead. “You don’t even have to get up early.” 

It grew quiet again and part of me said I needed to open my mouth, but really, I think I was fine. I didn’t want to ruin this perfect moment by upsetting either of us. She actually did drift off laying there and I just held her close. I drifted off as well but it was her moving that woke me up.

“Sorry, I was trying to not wake you up.” 

“It’s fine.” 

She moved out of the bed and to the bathroom, returning a few minutes later and moving back beside me.

“You okay?” 

“Yeah.”

“Miriam.” I said.

“It’s nothing really, just dreaming of Micah and Aaron.” 

“Maybe that means they’re both happy.” 

She looked at me and the look said the dream wasn’t happy, so I sat up and motioned her closer, finally getting her to sit in my lap.

“Bad dreams?”

“Yeah. Hasn’t actually happened in a long time, didn’t get far but I know the general direction was a wreck taking them both away.” 

“You know they’re both happy Miriam.” 

“I know. Just sometimes they happen.” 

“You know you can always wake me up right? I don’t mind.” 

“I don’t have to wake you up for you to be there.” 

“You do when I’m not here. But, I think I’ll be here every night now.” 

She shifted slightly. “I hope so. I don’t sleep that well without you.” 

“Neither do I.” 

“I am sorry Zac. I know you wanted the adoption thing to work and it’s my fault it didn’t.” 

I laid my forehead against hers.

“It’s not your fault.”

“They denied us based on me.” 

“I don’t see it that way Miriam. They don’t know you and I think you’d be a great mother. Although, I should have paid attention to the other signs like your inability to really hold River long. It shows that while you will be a fantastic mother, you aren’t mentally ready for that. I kept pushing anyway, that’s not what I should have done.” 

“River is going to hate me.” 

“No he’s not. He may not fully understand but you do a lot with him, just not a lot of holding.” 

“What if I never can Zachary?” 

I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her.

“You will, it’ll just take time.” 

“I hope so.” 

She didn’t move away so I didn’t make any effort to move her, I was actually kind of enjoying having her so close, to just have her here against me. It felt nice. Maybe that’s what she really needed more than anything, to be held herself. 

While I did a lot of that when we were younger, when we got older it seemed weird. As teenagers her being that close would create rumors and problems if we were dating others. Even after we got married this type of closeness never happened, not like this.

“Do you remember the last time we were sitting this way?” I asked.

Now that I was thinking about it I couldn’t actually remember the last time, as she hadn’t even wanted this when she lost Aaron.

“I do.” 

“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” 

“I was eleven Zac. The last time I sat this way in your lap and it wasn’t for sex, was when you told me they died. I think I just moved there and didn’t think about it. I want to say that your mom frowned when she came in and saw us.” 

“I think Mom was more worried about teenage parents than anything else.” 

“Pre-teen parents Zac, we were eleven. But then again you didn’t hit puberty until like two years later.” 

“There ya go, reminding me again. You really were ruthless then.”

“You were always fun to pick on. Taylor would just turn red and hide from me, Isaac well; he was over that before I moved in.”

“Wait…you tried Taylor first?” 

She giggled. “I embarrassed poor Taylor several times. But, I really didn’t know what the hell was going on. With you…I knew.” 

“Are you saying you did that on purpose?” 

She just giggled and kissed me; fuck what a kiss that way. 

“Subject diversion, on purpose. That was soo mean of you.” 

Her hands seemed to find that spot in my hair and I just wanted to melt.

“But you still love me, despite the numerous times I caused you immense embarrassment.”

I pulled her a little closer, wasn’t sure she could get any closer.

“Totally fine if you keep doing that.” 

She leaned in. “I can feel how fine you are.” 

“You’re fault. Completely, your fault.” 

“May have been a kind of the intent.” 

I moved my hands down to her ass, squeezed. “Perfectly fine.” 

I had to admit that the second round was a little more romantic, little less about speed and hardness and more about just each other. It was the perfect and even after the end of round two she just cuddled and I loved that. 

But the fact she literally tortured me as a teen should bother me, she did that on purpose! But, I still couldn’t be mad at her for that! I should be, but I wasn’t. Often times she was the cause of the problem anyway and I didn’t quite want to admit that to her but I had. I also didn’t want to admit that I didn’t mind because it often made her blush and smile, meaning she was happy. 

Like now, as she was lying with her back to my chest, curled up here as I held her. She had fallen asleep fairly quickly and I wasn’t about to wake her up. Unless needed. I had done a lot of growing up over the years; clearly I still had to a bit to do.

I saw her phone light up and managed to reach it before it woke her up. Tori, saying she’d gotten a call out cashier already. It was fucking two in the morning! I hit reply.

_Miriam’s asleep and I’m not waking her up. When it gets daylight (its 2 am!!!) call the workers from yours, if no one can come in, call #1’s. I plan to keep her home for much needed sleep. Night Tori._

She didn’t reply but I didn’t expect one. Instead I moved her phone behind me and then snuggled up with her, feeling her move slightly back and tighten my arm around her. I just complied and finally fell asleep.


	34. Shock

POV: Zac

August 28, 2013

The last several weeks had been better between Miriam and I. We did have that Saturday to ourselves and we really talked about the whole kid situation. While I wanted to move forward and go ahead, I now understood that I needed to consider her feelings as well and the bottom line was…Miriam was not ready. Emotionally and mentally she just wasn’t there yet. Her inability to hold River long and then the crying spells afterwards should have been my red flag, but I apparently ignored it completely. After talking things have been really on an upward swing, as we talk more, we see each other more, and it’s been really good.

It’s why going in today was nerve wracking, she wasn’t feeling well. She’s had major headaches, coughing, and a fever. She suspected the asshole that sneezed in her face at work is the responsible party for said symptoms so she made an appointment. But, she told me to come on in, despite my not wanting too. 

Maybe it was a good thing because I came to Aaron’s, intending on just checking up and had to raise total hell with the grocery manager because he was totally ignoring Tori. Which, I found was very weird, she still sometimes scared me. But, he evidently didn’t believe she should be here. He was new, the previous manager had moved on to another job and I reminded him that Tori was the manager. Her word goes.

I was almost afraid to tell him that Miriam usually handled this store, first time he yelled at her…She’s fire him. I would have to be a fly on the wall that day…I was sitting in the office reviewing the tapes for other weirdness when I saw Isaac walk in. It didn’t take him long to find me.

“Morning.” 

“Morning. Weird for you to be here.” 

“I was actually hoping you’d be here without Miriam.” 

Ding ding ding! Flags rose this time.

“She should be at her doctor’s office. Some asshole sneezed in her face last week. She’s not feeling good. Why would you hope she wasn’t here?” 

“Because I wanted to talk to you.” 

“Well, I am here. What’s up?” 

“Nikki is due soon, about a month now. I just wanted to talk to you because Miriam really doesn’t have much to do with River and Nikki and I are worried about that. Like, I don’t want her to feel bad or left out. She’s my sister after all.” 

Oh, wow. That wasn’t the question I expected. Miriam really hadn’t said much about Nikki’s upcoming baby. It was their third child after all.

“Honestly Ike, I can’t answer that. She does spend time with River and she interacts with him and plays with him, she just can’t really hold him.” 

“Still?”

I nodded. “She’s not ready for kids.” 

“But, didn’t you two apply for adoption and shit?” 

“We were denied for the adoption. But, we talked a while back and while I am ready she is not.” 

“Do you think she’ll hold him or her?” 

“Probably, but don’t freak out if she doesn’t. Don’t freak out if she doesn’t hold the baby long.” 

“I won’t.” 

I was about to comment that she’d held River two weeks ago for a bit longer than her normal, but my phone rang and the doctor’s number came up so I held up my finger and answered. Ike simply nodded, understanding why.

“Hello?”

“Mr. Hanson?” She asked.

“This is he.” 

“This is Shelly with Dr. Benton’s office. I’m calling in reference to your wife.” 

“Is everything okay?” 

“She fainted in our office and the doctor would like for someone to come drive her home. She did hit her head fairly hard on the bed in the room. He has her lying down and he’s going to run some tests too. Are you able to come pick her up?” 

“I am, I’m not far actually and I’ll be there in less than fifteen.”

“Thank you.” 

She hung up and so did I.

“Problem?” Ike asked.

“Miriam passed out at the doctor’s office, hit her head. They don’t want her to drive. Do you mind taking me over?”

“Not at all.”

“But, concerning our topic, just don’t freak out. I’m sure she’ll hold the baby, she just may not for long.” 

“Okay. I hope she gets over this.” 

“You and I both.” 

He drove me over but I told him to head on home or wherever. Tori had ridden in with me this morning, but she could drive mine back to the house when done. I went inside to the desk.

“Mr. Hanson?” 

“That’s me.” 

“The nurse will let you back.”

It didn’t take two seconds before she was waiting so I followed her. They had Miriam in the back still, lying down on the bed.

“I told them I’d be fine.” She said.

“You hit your head.” 

“It doesn’t hurt.”

“Still. Safe is always better.” 

She just stuck her tongue out at me and lay there, waiting for the doctor. She even rolled her eyes when I asked to see where she hit her head. But she did move so I could check. No blood, but it was a little tender even she admitted that.

“Are you waiting to do anything else?” 

“I scheduled a yearly; I was due for one in two weeks anyway. They didn’t even get to reach that part so I figure I am waiting for that.”

I wrinkled my nose. “You could have done that first.” 

“Sorry.” 

She then sneezed and sniffled, so I got tissue. The doctor came in about five minutes later.

“You’re sugar was low, did you eat this morning?” 

“No. I felt kind of queasy. I was going to stop on the way home actually.” 

“That may be the reason you fainted.” 

There was something off in his behavior, he seemed different and it was more than just wondering about her eating.

“I’m not going to do your pelvic exam.” 

“You’re not?” 

“No. I did call your OBGYN, your normal doctor isn’t there right now. However, Dr. Bridges is and he’s agrees to put you through right away.” 

“Why aren’t you doing it?”

“I agree with her, why can’t you just do it yourself?” I asked.

I knew she got hers done here yearly, the only times in which she didn’t have them done here was when she was pregnant. But, she’d taken birth control religiously since she lost Aaron and the two times she had an antibiotic she either said no or made me buy condoms. She took no chances.

“We did a pregnancy test as routine because you requested refills for your birth control. The test came back positive. If that’s the case, I would rather they do it.” 

She didn’t say anything but I was so glad I was standing beside her because I caught her that time before she fell off the table and laid her back. She’d fainted, again.

“Good catch.” He said.

“I clearly misunderstood you as well. Did you say positive?” 

“Yes. However, it could be a false positive because of her being sick. I don’t think it is, and I would feel safer given her history if the OBGYN checked her out today.” 

He checked her pulse, breathing, even her blood pressure and when she did come too, he had cookies ready for her but she pushed them away. 

“Miriam, you need to eat something.” I said.

“I feel sick enough to not add to it.” 

The doctor checked her again, made sure her heart rate and breathing were good, that the blood pressure was fine. Once he was fine, he left the room. 

“I clearly misunderstood him.” 

“It’s why he wants you to see the OBGYN Miriam. It’s positive but it could be false.” 

“I took…”

She paused and for several minutes she sat there with her best thinking face expression and then she frowned.

“What is it?” 

“That can’t be…” 

I waited for her to say what she’d remembered or thought about but she got her phone and checked something. 

“Miriam?” I asked.

She shook her head. “I was stupid.” 

“You are not stupid.” 

“The store was so busy and I had to be there so damn much, I forgot them. I took the pack at the house to the store because I was taking them about nine. But, I laid it down and forgot them.” 

“The pack?” 

“The package of birth control Zac. Don’t play stupid with me you know what I mean.” 

I didn’t argue with that, instead I tilted her head and kissed her forehead. She’d smack me for a lip kiss while she was sick.

“You are not stupid. It’s possible it’s a false positive. Why don’t we head over to the OB’s office and let them make sure. But you need to eat something now. Have the cookies and we’ll swing by and get lunch before going.” 

She finally listened and had the cookies, once the doctor was sure she wasn’t just going home he let her go. I swung by Taco Bueno and we had lunch, but it was clear she was a little shell shocked. Hell, I was shell shocked. We then went to the OB’s office, her primary hadn’t lied, she told them her name and we went right back. No questions, no waiting, just a lot of nasty looks from the heavily pregnant women there.

Dr. Bridges was quick to check her pulse and blood pressure as well before he drew blood and requesting urine samples. No niceties here yet. 

“We’re doing both to be sure, your primary wasn’t sure if their test was a true positive.” 

She and I nodded and then we waited for over an hour. It was clear our nerves were starting to wear on us; she was constantly fiddling with the hem of her shirt. I was tapping out some rhythm on my thigh with my fingers. Neither of us spoke but I wondered what was on her mind.

When the doctor returned he had a nurse with him and another doctor. Miriam looked at me confused and I returned the confusion. Neither looked overly happy or overly sad, they both had the professional muted look. 

“My name is Dr. Shannon O’Brian. I prefer just Dr. Shannon or even Shannon. Dr. Bridges has asked me to take you on as a patient due to what happened before. My specialty is high risk, he feels that I may know or do something different that could make the outcome positive. There is no mistake Mrs. Hanson, you are pregnant. The urine and blood sample confirm it.” 

“What now?” I asked.

“I’m going to bow out; Dr. Shannon has your file and is familiar with it. However, if you prefer for me to continue then I will. I do feel that she would be the better option.” 

“She’s fine.” Miriam said. 

Her tone was too even and that raised a little flag in my brain, her voice being that even said she was doing it on purpose to appear calm and collected. Dr. Bridges bid us farewell and Dr. Shannon smiled.

“I’m going to do a pelvic today and run some more blood test. I want to know what everything looks like. I’m also going to do a vaginal sonogram to make sure things look okay.”

“Okay.” Miriam said.

She stepped out so Miriam could prepare for that and I watched her movements as she stripped down. I remembered the first time I was here, terrified and trying my damnest not to react. Now, I was watching for the cracks on her calm demeanor. Once she had her clothes lying neatly she sat down and waited.

“You’re nervous.” I said.

She slightly turned to me. “I’m way past that.” 

The doctor and nurse returned, even though Miriam was familiar with the process she still explained what she was going to do before proceeding. Miriam appeared kind of bored, but after the exam part was over she set up the sonogram machine. She was entering information when she paused.

“Mrs. Hanson?” She asked.

I looked over at Miriam and there were tears running down the sides of her face, branching off into her hair, down past her ear and maybe even in her ear.

“Just do it.” Miriam said.

“I would rather wait until you are a bit calmer.” 

She repeated her previous statement and Dr. Shannon looked at me and I glanced between them.

“Go ahead, I’m here.” 

I got Miriam’s hand and half expected she’d pull away from me, but she didn’t. She would have to use the wand because she couldn’t be that far along. I got a mild squeeze presumably when she pushed it in. She kept the screen facing her for a long time and even I was getting nervous! 

Miriam’s hand tightened the longer she watched the screen and didn’t say anything. I knew the question was there and she wouldn’t ask it.

“Doctor? What’s wrong?”

She looked at me. “Nothing is wrong. I just want to be certain of any information before I inform you. I have found that’s easier.” 

Another five minutes passed before she turned the screen around.

“You definitely are pregnant and you’re also having twins. The machine is predicting about seven weeks.”

“Twins?” Miriam asked.

She pointed to two different spots on the screen; she even moved the wand around to show better images.

“You are pregnant with two. A and B, I can’t tell you their gender. I also cannot say if they are identical or not obviously until they are born.”

Dr. Shannon was overly happy about this news, but the cracks in Miriam’s veneer shattered, because she couldn’t hold the tears back anymore. The doctor seemed to think that were happy tears, but I knew they weren’t. I knew the thoughts running through her head; she wouldn’t have just one loss. This time it would be two. Dr. Shannon seemed to finally realize these weren’t the tears of joy she thought. She removed the wand and took a leave of the room with the nurse. Great, thanks doc. 

It took a few moments to get her to sit up and when she did, I just pulled her into my arms. Let her scream into my shoulder, let her cry, didn’t even mind the claws that dug into my back. I just held her, made sure she knew I was here.

“Miriam.” 

I just waited when she didn’t respond and after ten minutes I moved my hands to her face, cupping her face with my hands and making sure she was looking at me, my thumbs wiped away the moisture on her face.

“Miriam, calm down. You need to calm down now. I’m right here.” 

She tried to shake her head and couldn’t and then tried to say something and couldn’t.

“Calm down.”

I pulled her back to me and did the only thing that had worked when we were eleven, I sang. Choosing the same song I had sung in the hospital and many times thereafter.

 _When the water rises, stealing your breath_  
Chilling your heart, as it beats in your chest  
You will never need to despair, I will be here   
I, I lift you up, from the bottom of my heartache  
And I, I wish you well, from the top of every summit 

I could tell the singing was helping; her breathing wasn’t as ragged or as bad. Her chest wasn’t moving in response to the sobs. 

“I can’t do this Zac.” 

I tighten a hug for a moment before I moved her back, again cupping her face but this time I laid my forehead gently against hers.

“Yes you can, because unlike the first time or the second, you have me here.”

“I had you there for most of Aaron’s pregnancy.” 

“I’ll be a little conceded here, unlike Aaron and the first, these two are mine. As stubborn as I am, you can bet they will be too. The doctor knows what to expect and knows what’s happened. We’ll make sure things are fine.”

“I don’t…” 

I moved my thumbs over her lips.

“Don’t think that way Miriam. You can do this and you can make sure they are born healthy and happy.”

“And if there not?” 

“If something happens to them, if for some reason we lose them. I’ll have a vasectomy and we won’t have to ever worry about it again.” 

She blinked. “You’d do that?” 

“If, and we aren’t, but if we lose them. Yes, I will. I can’t live without you and I couldn’t keep asking you to go through this. If something happens, then I will make sure we don’t have to go through it again.” 

“But you don’t think anything’s going to happen.” 

I smiled at her. “I don’t. There mine Miriam, they’re going to be stubborn as hell.” 

“They….was she serious about that?”

“I’m not sure; you kind of fell apart before I could really ask. You okay now? If so, I’ll go get her.” 

“I think so.” 

I made sure she was covered before opening the door and found Dr. Shannon sitting in the hallway, reading over her file.

“I knew she’d miscarried before. I wasn’t aware that she also had a stillborn. I briefly just saw two losses and assumed they were early.” 

“It’s okay. She’s fine now.” 

She got up and came back into the room; she didn’t mention the losses once she was inside the room.

“Better now?” She asked.

“Yeah.” 

She sat down and handed her print offs, clearly labeled baby A and baby B.

“You weren’t kidding?” Miriam asked.

“Afraid not. I can’t tell if they are one egg that split resulting in identical twins or two separate eggs, which will be fraternal twins. However, there are two. If you’d like, I can try to get their heartbeats.” 

I really wanted to hear that but I looked at Miriam, unsure if that was something she wanted to hear. She was quiet though.

“Mrs. Hanson, I know it’s hard. I read the file and I’m truly sorry. However, I recommend doing what you’d normally do. I know it’ll be hard, I know it’ll hurt like hell if something happens. But, they’re going to be fine and you may regret not having the same memories as you had before.” 

She looked at me and then nodded. “I think we would.” 

“I’ll try for an external, but we may have to use the wand again.” 

She did as she said and ended up doing the wand, the sound was different this time. The Doppler picked up both heartbeats and it was just surreal. She was able to isolate them both as well. I know fully understood what Allen meant. I had loved Aaron; he would always be my son. But knowing these were mine and Miriam’s, they were our children. I could feel the slight ache even at the mere thought of losing them. I did get a recording of the heartbeats to listen to later on and for our own use. 

“I know the two of you are excited and you should be. However, I would recommend waiting before you tell your families. I want to view your blood work and make sure things come back good. I also want to redo them because you didn’t feel good before. I’ll prescribe medication for that but you are limited now on what you can and cannot take. Rest. Take care of yourself. Reduce or eliminate all stress.”

“Okay.” 

She wrote a few prescriptions before we headed out, going by the pharmacy and then we went home. I sent Tori a message to drive my car home and told her where my keys were. When I sat down on the sofa she sat down in my lap. 

I pulled her in and held her.

“You said you couldn’t live without me.” 

“And I meant it. I also remember what you said before; I won’t let that happen Miriam. Even if something does happen to them, I’m not going to lose you too. I’m here. I’m not leaving, I’m not going anywhere. We’ll get through it together.” 

“I can’t believe I forgot…I swore I took them. But, the package is probably still at the store. Refills left.” 

“It’ll be fine.” 

“So positive…..”

“Because positive vibes is what we need. Doesn’t mean I am not scared out of my damn mind. But, it really hasn’t sunk in yet.” 

She sat up and back a bit.

“You’re going to be a father to twins. Two at once.” 

Yeah, that made it no better, but I kissed her forehead.

“I’ll be fine because they are ours.” 

She lay back down and actually fell asleep after a while, gave me time to think about it. I was going to be a father. She was pregnant with my children. I had my little crying spell while she slept peacefully, tears of joy though. 

Miriam was awake and I was fixing dinner when Tori got there.

“Are you alright?” 

“I’m fine. My blood sugar got low and I fainted, twice. But, I’m fine. Zac made me eat and I’ve been good.” 

“Cold? Flu?” 

“Sinus and a touch of a cold. I’m to rest, drink fluids, and take meds. So I’ll be out at least a week.” 

“It’ll be fine. You need to get better so you can see the video of Zac laying the smack down on that new grocery manager. It was a doozy.” 

“I’ve already explained that.” 

I had when she woke up! I was on point.

“And you said?” Tori asked Miriam.

“That I’d tell him to grow up and join the 21 st century, I’d then tell him I own the store and to suck it up.”

“That’s my girl. Alright, I have a date later so going to get home and shower and shit. You two have a good dinner, smells amazing.” 

“Always. I cooked it.” I said.

She rolled her eyes but said her byes. We did have a good dinner and even laid down earlier than normal.

“Do you really think everything will be fine?” She asked.

I kissed her shoulder. “Yes, I do.” 

Because it had to be. I made sure Miriam was sound asleep before I let myself fall asleep as well. 

  


	35. Unstoppable

POV: Miriam

September 6, 2013

Pregnant. I could try to deny the reality but the fact was I was pregnant. 

Not only just pregnant…pregnant with twins. 

I could try to deny that really, but sitting here in the bathroom hugging the toilet at four in the morning because that little snack I had before laying down just didn’t agree was a really big signal that I couldn’t deny. Seven weeks I had not had any signs, not even a slight little blimp. Now? That familiar morning, okay, all day, sickness was here. 

It really didn’t help that the little cold or whatever had to be treated differently because I couldn’t have the really good stuff, just whatever was safe and that wasn’t really much.

“Honey?” Zac asked.

The image of honey, of food, made whatever was left come up. He was quick to move beside me, holding my hair back and even had a cold rag ready when I sat back.

“Sorry, I didn’t think that word would make it worse.” 

“It’s okay.” 

“Do you really think going back to work now is okay?” 

“Yes. I’m eight weeks not eight months. I can’t and won’t take the next eight months sitting on my ass staring at a television.” 

“Miriam, this isn’t like Aaron’s pregnancy. This is two.” 

“I’m aware of that but I’ll be fine. I need to do something Zac and I don’t want to sit here and stare at his urn all day. That cannot and will not be good for me physically or mentally. It’s…” 

It was hard to express exactly how I felt, something he wanted me to do. I really wasn’t sure how I felt. 

“Hard, I know. I just don’t want something to happen.” 

“I’ll be in the office most of the day just reviewing paperwork and making schedules. Worse case, I have to yell at the grocery manager.” 

“Don’t yell at the grocery manager.” 

“If he doesn’t accept who I am I will.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do with you. I’m going to worry myself to gray hair before they arrive.” 

“They….”

“They...” he repeated.

How this occurred was beyond me and him, neither of us had twins in the family and we both knew fairly long histories. But the doctor was certain we were having two. I’d had more than one melt down since the doctor’s office and mostly because…what if I lost them both?

I really hadn’t handled losing Aaron well and the thought of being required to deliver two was way more than I was emotionally prepared for. Zac, however, was like the little fairy I had once called him. 

“Okay, I think I can get up and lay back down for a bit.”

He got up first and helped me up and we both went and lay back down. I felt his hand settle on my abdomen.

“They’ll be fine Miriam.” 

“Because they are yours and you are stubborn?” 

“Of course.” 

I did fall back asleep and without an alarm it was a bit later than normal that I woke up, Zac was already gone to the first store so I found something for breakfast that wouldn’t make me sick and then I got dressed. I found that most of the smaller sizes in my closet didn’t fit already, so I was going with the bigger ones. By the time I was dressed and there, I was later than I expected.

“I expected you way earlier.” Tori said.

“Over slept. Are you doing okay?” 

“That bastard.” 

I didn’t need to ask whom she was talking to, I already knew. The new grocery manager Derek, apparently he had a problem with women being in power and while Zac had certainly given him an ear full, he apparently didn’t let it sink in. 

“What did he do?” I asked.

“I asked him to nicely ensure that the floors are cleaned daily because they weren’t the last few days and that he makes sure the new items that have been sitting in the stock room for three days gets put out today. He told me he’d do it when he felt like it and that he didn’t have to listen to me.” 

Zac had specifically asked him to set those new items as soon as possible because they were big sellers at the other store and we felt they’d do well here as well. I didn’t want to raise my blood pressure though so I nodded at her and walked to the office, to which she followed.

“Miriam?” 

“I don’t want to be upset and I need to think about this a moment and I want to review the tapes.”

“Okay.” 

I did review the tapes where she asked him to make sure she had asked nicely and she had. As for the hours since, he and his crew really hadn’t done much. The truck was still on pallets and while vendors were checked in, because Victoria did them, he hadn’t done much else.

I sighed and went to the filing cabinet and got the pink slips and then walked to the stock room door. I paused, took a deep breath and walked into the stock room. Derek was sitting on the drinks talking to the stock crew and I knew they were all clocked in, so I walked right into the little group.

“You have one minute to get off your asses and put this truck up. If you don’t, then you can go home and I can find replacements for you.” 

Derek laughed, actually laughed. 

“Who are you?” He asked.

I tilted my head slightly. “I’m the owner.”

That got the stock crew itself off their asses and they ignored him and started working on the truck. They knew who I was and they’d seen me fire people before. 

“I met the owner a week ago, he isn’t here.” 

“He’s my husband. I can call him if you’d like, but rest assured that your termination papers would be printed and signed long before he got here. I don’t care what your problem is with women leaders, but I don’t take bullshit. So, do your fucking job or find another one.” 

I would have thought that he would have understood that and would not want to be fired, but clearly I was mistaken.

“I’ll just call him to come take care of his wife.” 

Maybe it was the hormones, maybe it was the worry but this was something that I would not deal with for the next eight months. 

“No need. You’re fired, get out of my store. If you don’t, I’ll call the police. I don’t need my husband here to take care of me. What I need are employees that respect me and do what I tell them. You have five minutes to get your stuff and get out.” 

I then turned and walked away and as I headed up front I called Michael from the first store. He’d been training one of the stock crew there to act in his place when he was gone, by the time I hung up that person was on their way to me. I didn’t need to call Zac and tell him anything. When the five minute mark was up I had his termination paper filled out, printed, and signed. I was waiting for him to come to the front.

“He’s not coming up here, he won’t believe you.” Tori said.

I waited another ten before going to find him, in the stock room, again talking to the crew. The moment I stepped through the doors the crew went back to work but he sat there. So I handed him his papers.

“Get out of my store. Last chance.” 

When he again told me he’d only listen to Zac, I called the police, funny how calling them always got people moving. I then went to the office. Tori would handle her new grocery manager when he arrived. I’d been sitting there a few moments when Zac called.

“Hey honey.” I said.

“Seriously? You fired him?” 

“Damn straight. He wasn’t doing his job and said he wanted to call you to come take care of me.” 

He laughed. “Come take care of you? He’s out of his mind.” 

“Yeah, I told him he’d be fired beforehand. He didn’t listen.” 

“Glad you had fun then. Are you okay?” 

“Yes. I’m fine.”

“Sure?”

“Yes. Michael sent me Kathy, she wanted to move up and she’ll be the grocery manager here and Michael already has someone in mind to replace her there. It’s taken care of.” 

“Okay, just don’t overdo it. I’ll see you at home.” 

“See you then.” 

I hung-up and got busy with reviewing the paperwork, but once that was done I was left sitting in a quiet room, overlooking the registers. I could see the women coming through with babies or toddlers could see them coming in and at times could hear them as well. 

Would I ever get that? Zac was hopeful that this pregnancy wouldn’t turn out badly, that I wouldn’t have to bury my children again. I wanted to believe him, I really did. But two for two wasn’t good odds and I wasn’t stupid. I spent the week researching how pregnancies with multiples could be different. They were more complicated, they were more high risk. If I wasn’t already high risk enough, having twins would make it worse. 

My thoughts and feelings concerning this pregnancy were so scattered. I wanted to be happy like I was with Aaron, I wanted to enjoy shopping and buying things, and I wanted to believe that in several months I’d have two perfect healthy babies. But, I couldn’t. 

I could see these women interacting with their children and be reminded that Aaron should be here, he should be playing with toys and learning how talk. He should be smiling at me and calling us Mom and Dad. 

“Miriam?” Tori asked.

I wiped my face off. “I’m okay.” 

It lacked total conviction and I was pretty sure she saw right through it. But she didn’t say anything; she just came over and hugged me. 

“Maybe you should head home.” 

“I’m okay.” 

“You sure? You’re face is kind of red.” 

“Really, I’m okay.” 

I wanted to tell her but the doctor had a point, I didn’t want to get everyone all excited and happy again and then have to tell them they can never see him again after that brief moment. That they’d never see him grow up or get older. How could I tell them again that there would be a baby, only for them to never see them grow up?

“Kathy is here and is now talking to the stock crew, setting them straight. Thank you for helping.” 

“No problem. His resume was good but not doing his job is not going to fly. How are you and Kent?” 

She sat down. “Broke up. He thought it was okay to see his ex-girlfriend for dinner and a movie while I was at work, without bothering to tell me. I feel like more happened, but I just let it go.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not. I need a man who loves me and not one that wants to be a dick. Although, there is a guy at the gym that I’ve been eyeing.” 

“Only you.” 

“How are you and Zac? Things better?” 

“Lot better since we’ve actually talked, kind of learned that you must talk and interact with one another. It’s allowed us to stop arguing needlessly.” 

“That’s good. Did you two come to terms about the whole kid thing?” 

“Yeah.” 

We’d agreed to wait a bit but really, this wasn’t a bit. This was weeks and not years. I was certain something would happen this time too. I could feel it.

“That’s good; Allen said he talked to him.” 

“He did.”

After that I diverted the subject to something work related, I needed to stop thinking about that and focus elsewhere. I made it home before Zac and had dinner ready when he got home. He, of course, was in protective mode. I wasn’t sure I wanted protective mode. But, for now it was okay.

**September 27, 2013**

I had gone to a follow up appointment about the blood work and she’d redone it because I wasn’t sick. She also said I’d be seeing her every two weeks because of the previous problems. The appointments may not be long but she wanted to make sure and hear a heart beat closer, the farther along I got the more frequent I would see her. 

Mentally, I was still scattered and I still couldn’t get my emotions in check. So I scheduled an appointment with the therapist, I was waiting in her office now. When she called me back I followed her to the office and sat down.

“It’s been a month or so, I didn’t expect to see you back before the next appointment.” 

“I couldn’t wait another four weeks.” 

“Did something happen?” 

It was hard to even say the words now and it took me several moments to get the courage to voice it. 

“I’m pregnant with twins.” 

“Congratulations.” 

I shook my head. “I can’t stop the thoughts; I can’t stop thinking about that day in the hospital. I’ve tried talking to Zac and he’s really good at pointing out the positives and while he’s around I’m okay. When he’s not home or we’re at different stores it’s…the thoughts won’t stop.” 

“You keep thinking about Aaron’s birthday?” 

“Yes. Those hours after he was born just holding him, wanting him to wake up, I can’t do that again.”

“Are you having problems already?” 

“No.” 

“Any issues the doctor has seen thus far?” 

“No.” 

“Do you feel like something will happen to you or to them?” 

“I feel like it’s just gonna end the same way, that I shouldn’t tell anyone because why should they get excited and happy and be let down? I feel like I don’t even want them and I can’t tell Zac that.” 

“Do you want them?” 

“Yes. They are mine and it’s always what I wanted. But, I can’t seem to feel happy about it and I want to be. Its clear Zac is very happy, he’s not saying a lot about things but I can tell he wants too. He wants so badly to tell his family and I just don’t have that.” 

Her facial expression softened some and she leaned forward a bit.

“You’re scared Miriam and that’s allowed given what you’ve been through. You are not the only person to have lose a baby and had one afterwards and be terrified during the pregnancy.”

“But I want to love them like I do Aaron.” 

“They are yours and you’ll love them. You’re just scared to lose them and it can make you feel like you don’t care enough, but you do. You follow the doctor’s orders right?” 

“Yes. She wanted me to eat more, drink more water and I have been. I take the prenatal even though they taste horrible.” 

“You love them. You’re just scared. Honestly, it could happen again. But, there is a high risk that it won’t.” 

“What if it does?” 

For several moments she was quiet before she sighed.

“I can’t promise that it won’t, but I can promise that if it does I will clear my schedule and if you need to see me four times a day for a month, we will. But, I don’t believe it will happen and you shouldn’t either. I think you should tell Zac exactly how you feel because even though you feel like your bottling this up, I can bet there are things he’s picked up on and you should express how you feel and you’re fears to him so he will understand.” 

“I’m scared too.” 

She smiled. “He will understand Miriam. He was there and he knows how much it hurt you.” 

I nodded and spent the remainder of my hour long session discussing what I could do to help myself. When I left the office I checked my phone to find that Zac had blown it up so I called him back.

“What’s up?” 

“Where are you? I’ve gone to both stores and called everyone.”

“I came to see the therapist; you know the rules no phones. Is everything okay?” 

There was a moment of silence. “Should I be asking you that instead? You’re appointment with her is a month away.” 

“I’m okay I just needed to come sooner. What’s wrong?” 

“Nikki is at the hospital. Ike called and said her water broke and things are moving rather fast. He said if we wanted to be there we should get there. I wasn’t sure if you wanted too.” 

“Of course, meet you there?” 

“Come home first, we’ll take one car.” 

I headed home first and once I arrived he was waiting.

“Miriam?” 

“I’m fine really.” 

“Clearly you’re not if you’re going to the therapist four weeks early.” 

“Can we have this conversation later?”

“We can but I’d rather have it now. Nikki isn’t my wife and she’s not having my baby, I’m not required to be there. Talk to me Miriam.” 

“I went in early because the thoughts are driving me insane. Anytime I am alone it’s the only thing I think about. That day at the hospital. It’s to a point where I want to disconnect and not feel it and I can’t do that.”

I expected some negative reaction, I’d all but said I didn’t want to acknowledge our children growing inside me and yet that’s not what happened. Instead he pulled me against him and held me there.

“I wondered if that’s what was going on. You say something but act differently. Do you really want to go to the hospital? We don’t have too.” 

“I want too. I just needed to see her because it felt like I was trying to disconnect and I didn’t want that. I don’t know why I can’t stop thinking something will happen.” 

“Because you’ve been through it. But, we can’t wait until their here to move on Miriam. I don’t think anything will happen and Dr. Shannon told you last appointment that there is a very high chance that you’ll make it to full term. But, she did say to expect early because of their being two.” 

“Maybe I’m worried about that.” 

“Maybe. So, how about we go on to the hospital. When we get home we can talk about it more. I would imagine if you hold him or her then you’ll want to. Maybe it’s where we start.” 

“Maybe.” 

We headed to the hospital and waited with the others, it was kind of hard to think about their being a day where there here waiting on me. With Aaron no one really knew because we knew ahead of time and chose not to call people. I remembered the pity looks and eggshell like ways they walked around me afterwards. 

We waited for what felt like days but was actually hours before Isaac came out and said the baby was here and healthy. He also informed us there baby was a girl. We did have to wait for a bit because they were cleaning and warming her up and Nikki was also in recovery. Once people could go back we waited to be the last ones. No one asked why they just accepted it. 

We were the last ones to go back and when we came in Nikki was resting and Isaac was feeding the newest addition. 

“She’s almost done.” He said.

“No problem.” Zac said.

I talked to Nikki kind of trying not to break down here and now but eventually Zac had held her and Isaac had gotten photos so I moved over and sat down beside him. Maybe if Zac handed her to me versus someone else it would be better. 

“Does she have a name?” 

“Nina Odette, we’ll call her Odette though.” 

I peered over at her and she was Isaac made over, just like the older ones. Neither of them asked if I wanted to hold her, I think they understood but Zac looked at me after a few moments. It was a silent question of whether I wanted to or not. I simply nodded and he moved to give her to me. 

Did it hurt? Yep. Just as much as it had when I held River. I really did wish that Aaron had been a wiggly newborn. But the reality was he wasn’t. I couldn’t change that and I needed to accept that he wasn’t ever going to be there. He was gone but I’d never forget him. 

I had to accept that if these two made it to being born, I couldn’t cry for days after holding them. I really held her far longer than I had River, but they were all talking and I was just watching her sleep, watching her little chest rise and fall. I didn’t even realize that Zac and Ike had even left the room.

“Miriam?” Nikki asked.

“I’m okay.” 

“Honey your face is soaked, Zac sees that he’s going to go into protective mode and you know it.” 

I didn’t know she got up until she was beside me, handing me a napkin.

“Thanks.” 

“I don’t know how you done it, I tried to imagine how it would feel today when they handed her to me and I just don’t know how.”

“I didn’t have a choice really.”

“I know losing a child is hard, we didn’t tell anyone but we did miscarry between her and Monroe. I was so scared this pregnancy.” 

“You did?” 

“Yeah. It was still classified as a miscarriage. But, it was kind of far. I was so scared when we found out but I had no problems. The same goes for a lot of women.” 

I wiped my face off again before looking at her. “We haven’t told anyone, probably won’t for a little longer. I’m pregnant and terrified.” 

She smiled. “I think you’ll do just fine. You have a lot more support now and you didn’t do anything wrong with the last two, things just happen.” 

“They’re having me come in every two weeks. Precaution.” 

I didn’t want to mention the fact that the doctor said twins, just in case.

“That’s good. If they sense a problem they can do something early. You’re going to be fine Miriam. But, you do need to let him go. He’s always going to be your son. He’s just kicking it with his Uncle in heaven. They needed a piece of you there and they have that now.”

“I don’t get a piece of them.” 

“You’ve always had that right in your heart. You keep them alive here.”

The little tiny infant in my arms wiggled around and started whining. I figured she was hungry but I didn’t expect her to hand the bottle to me.

“I really need to pee!” 

That was totally new to me because I didn’t have to do that and I had never really fed River. It was…different. It still hurt but maybe…if Nikki could lose one and then have one then maybe…I’d just have to remind myself of that daily...

When we got home that night we did talk about it and I did cry about it but maybe it’s what I needed. Going to sleep that night I actually kind of looked forward to the next doctor’s appointment.

  


	36. 20 Weeks

POV: Zac

November 22, 2013

Miriam’s state of mind was pretty even on where it was earlier in the pregnancy, but she was at least looking at things and wanting to clean out the room again. So, those were positive signs. They showed she wanted to prepare and was therefore not dead set on the fact she would lose them.

As for changes, comparing her 20 weeks photo to now there was remarkable differences. We reached a point where family was asking me why she was gaining weight so quickly, so we had to tell them last week at a family dinner. Although, Nikki didn’t seem shocked by the fact she was pregnant, she did when I told them it was two. People were happy and at the same time they also knew there was a possibility of heartbreak. But I made it a point that no one say it, that they speak to her as if they were going to make it. 

The morning (all day) sickness hadn’t really gone away, it wasn’t as bad though. She was currently resting comfortably so I let her sleep while I cleaned up the living room and dining room a bit, then cleaned up the kitchen and then fixed breakfast for us both. I had to cook my eggs before she came in otherwise I had boiled eggs. She looked tired still when she came into the front.

“Sleep okay?”

“No. I tossed for so long I don’t think I really slept. Please tell me there aren’t any problems or shit we need to do today?” 

“Doctor at 2 and grocery store. But, if you want I can bring you back home and go shopping.” 

“No point, I need to move some.” 

She sat down with me for breakfast and when we were done, I cleaned up what little was dirty and then sat with her.

“I’ve been thinking…” I started.

She looked at me her eyes wide. “This better not be some bad conversation…”

“It’s not. I was just thinking about the space we have now.” 

“What about it?” 

“Well, when you had things before it was kind of cramped, not super badly but just thinking about doubling that and having two of everything makes me wonder if this house is big enough.” 

Her brow rose. “You are thinking about moving?” 

“Yeah. I was thinking about maybe looking for a bigger place, something with extra rooms. They’ll be fine in the same room for now but eventually they’ll need their own. That is truer if we have one each.” 

“I don’t think I can Zac.” 

“You can move.”

“Not right now. I mean I do agree but I think this house is fine for right now. They’ll have a room of their own and we do have space because we don’t need two swings, two bouncers and stuff like that. We basically need two cribs and that’s it.” 

“What if they hate bouncers?” 

“Then we could remove that and replace it with a swing. But, there just as susceptible to hate the swing too.”

“I just don’t think it’s enough room.” 

“I can move, but I can’t move while pregnant Zac. Sure, people can help but you know I will want to put it the way we want and I want. I can’t do that when I can’t move. I’m also comfortable and know where things are here. I do agree that this place isn’t big enough for four, however, I think it would be better to wait.”

“But..” 

“Zachary, I agree with you. I just don’t want to be moving right now.” 

I considered her statements and evaluated, at 20 weeks, half way there she was bigger than she was before and I suspect by the time she does reach 40 weeks, she won’t be able to move well.

“So…when do you?” 

“I would say maybe when they are one?”

Internally, I smiled because if she was thinking about it and believes that they will be one it was a positive sign that she was being positive about this and that was a big plus.

“I guess that would be better too because we could both figure out what we need in a home and what we may want.”

“Yep.” 

I noticed that after coming home from seeing Odette she’d been pretty bad, but since then she had held her. Last week she had her and River for a long time.

“Do you feel okay holding the little ones now?” 

She paused for a few moments. “It doesn’t feel as bad now. I think talking to the therapist and Nikki has helped.” 

“And Nikki?” 

“She told me they lost a baby before having Odette. I’ve been talking to her and the therapist. Trying to overcome the fear, I think its helping.” 

“I do too.” 

We kicked back and watched some TV until she had to get ready, to which I helped and then we headed to her appointment. 20 weeks meant this was an anatomy scan. We would know how they were doing and if they were developing well. She was nervous and I could tell. We arrived early, checked in and were called back on time. She went through the general part of the doctor’s appointment first. They checked her weight gain, got a urine samples, and then just the examination and question parts of the appointment. All of that went by pretty quickly before we were moved to the room where a machine was set up and ready.

“Do you want to know the sex of your babies if we can?” 

“Yes.” She said.

“I’m going to focus more on anatomy, then we’ll see if they are shy or not.” 

She turned on a TV screen in the room and we got to see what she did, so we got to see the heartbeats and hear them, we got to see the arms, legs, spines, and other anatomy related measurements.

“You made a face, is that bad?” 

“That measured too short, but I think baby A is blocking my view.”

She wiggled the wand and smiled a few minutes later. “A was in the way. It’s how it happens with multiples sometimes.” 

She finished her anatomy scan and looked at us. 

“They’re both doing very well; they’re on schedule and a little ahead actually. I didn’t see any problems or abnormal areas. It does look like one amniotic sac, so that tells me they’ll be identical. If I can get one to show us what he or she is, we’ll know both.”

“Can you have one each?” I asked.

“Not for identical twins, the DNA is the same so they are generally the same sex. Do we still want to know?” 

“Yes.” 

She had a devil of a time getting either of them to cooperate, but she finally did! 

“It looks like girls, see the three lines here.” 

Girls…We were having girls. We were having twin daughters.

“No chance of the other one being a boy?” I asked.

“Sorry, maybe next time.” She said.

I expected Miriam to cut that idea down really quickly but she didn’t, she only smiled a bit and maybe she would be open for another baby later on. I could only hope! But now we knew what to tell everyone.

“Any concerns?” Miriam asked.

“No. I seen the cause of the last one and I have checked the placement is where it should be and it looks like it’s attached well and the size is normal as well.” 

“Ok.” 

“Any other concerns?” 

“I can’t think of anything really. Still kind of sick but I know that can last for the whole pregnancy if it wants. I can keep stuff down though.” 

“Yes, it can. If it gets to the point where you can’t keep food down at all, definitely call me.” 

“Okay.” 

“You’re all done.” 

She printed off several pictures and included some 3D’s which were so surreal. To me the one she could see looked like Miriam. We got the car and Miriam just stared at the pictures.

“You okay?” 

“Just replaying her words.”

“Still feel up to going to the store?”

“Yeah.”

I drove us to the store and we headed inside, we chose to shop at our own stores and this time we were at the first one. We usually had a list but this week it was just buy whatever because some things made her sick and some things didn’t. We were on the canned aisle looking at tomatoes and trying to figure out if we needed them when someone called her name.

“Miriam?! Is that you?”

We turned and found Stacy was standing there and she had a buggy with her son Edward in it and a car seat?

“Stacy?” Miriam asked.

“It’s me. I haven’t seen you here in a long time.” 

“I’m usually at the new store, Aaron’s. It’s having issues with employees and stuff so we split time...Is that little Edward?” 

“He’s not so little anymore. He’s 2 now.” 

He smiled when Miriam spoke to him and she looked at the car seat.

“Yours or someone else’s?” 

“He’s mine; he was born about three weeks ago. I came in for formula actually and there wasn’t the kind I needed on the floor.”

“Is there any in the back?” She asked me.

“I’ll check, we keep them back stocked fairly well because they are very popular. What brand?” 

“Gerber, gentle. Purple one.” 

“Give me a few minutes.” 

I was kind of uneasy leaving Miriam near a three week old male child, but I went to the back and found the right formula. Bringing out way more than she needed and stocking the shelf before taking her two cases, that was the usual. I paused though because Miriam was standing in the middle of the aisle and in her arms was the baby. Wrapped in a fuzzy blue blanket. I didn’t think she’d hold him!

“Here ya go.” 

“Thank you! I really didn’t want to go anywhere else today.” 

“No problem. So, who is this little one?” 

“Jacob. My husband and I love Twilight. Had she been a little girl we were going to do Bella.” 

“Maybe next time.” I said.

“Maybe. We only wanted two though. We may try one more time after a little while. I don’t know if I can handle three.”

We both watched Miriam, probably for the same reason. But she seemed to be doing just fine, didn’t mean she would be doing fine after the fact.

“You seem to be doing much better, are you?” Stacy asked.

She looked up from the baby. “I have good and bad days. But, I gotta have more good ones. We’re expecting.” 

“You know…I thought maybe you were but I didn’t know if you’d just gained weight. Congratulations, how far are you?”

“I’m 20 weeks but I am having twin girls. We just found out the gender today.”

“Oh wow, congratulations. I think you’ll be a wonderful mother.” 

She smiled. “It’s just making it to that point where there here and like this little one. Wiggly.” 

Stacy frowned for a moment but then smiled. “You’ll do fine this time. I am sure.” 

“I think this one may need a clean diaper. If you want to take him we’ll stand with Edward.” 

“He may need to be changed too. Why don’t we take them?” 

Miriam seemed a bit off about that but agreed, I walked as far as the bathroom doors and then waited there. The two of them disappeared into the women’s bathroom. I stood and waited patiently until they came out about fifteen minutes later. Stacy had the baby and Miriam had Edward, I understood because Jacob went back into the car seat. 

“Alright, I’ll let you two finish shopping and keep in touch. I’m here all the time and when those two get here I want to see them.” 

“I’m sure you will.” I said.

Stacy headed to the front and we went back to tomatoes.

“Are you okay?” 

“Yeah. It was a little harder because Jacob isn’t a girl but…I think I’m okay. I didn’t change them, I let her do that.” 

“Its fine, we both have experience with River and Odette.” 

“Yeah.” 

We made our way through the store and checked out, then headed home. Unloading always seemed to take longer and I made sure that she only unbagged and put up what she was allowed too, no taking things inside. Once things were put away she sat down at the table.

“You feel okay?”

“Just really tired. I think I’m going to lie down.” 

“Okay.”

I gave her a quick kiss before she headed to lie down; she left her phone with me in case the store called. I piddled around while she slept and even fixed dinner. When she got up she still looked tired but that was rather expected. We had dinner at the table and then curled up on the sofa.

“Do you know if there doing a baby shower again?” 

“I didn’t ask for one.” 

“You didn’t ask for the last one either.” 

“That is true and I don’t know if anyone is planning anything. We should tell people the gender.”

“We will at Thanksgiving. Everyone will be there.” 

“That would be a good time.” 

“Are you going to do maternity pictures again?” 

I kind of wanted her too, this was another big change and I felt like either way we needed the memories of having them. Despite the fact she hadn’t looked at her maternity pictures from Aaron’s pregnancy at all.

“I don’t know really. Its winter and most outside places will be too cold.” 

“Doesn’t have to be outside, we could do studio pictures.”

“True. I’ll think about it. I won’t do them until next year either way.”

“So, do we have any idea what we’re fixing for dinner next Thursday?” 

“Some, I need to call your Mom Monday and see what’s up and what is left.” 

“Do you have any idea on what you want to do for the nursery?”

“Nope. I don’t even know what’s in that room now.” 

“A bunch of things we need to go through.” 

The old nursery was destroyed by Joshua. It had hurt like hell but it took her months to clean that room out and go through the items. Thankfully, the items that were the most treasured had been at my Mom’s. Call it destiny or a miracle, but I’d picked up the Urn that day and the box as a precaution. It was good he didn’t destroy those. 

She was quiet for a few moments.

“I think I hesitate because clearing a room makes it a bit more real.”

“But we can’t wait until they’re born Miriam.” 

“I know. I can feel them now and it makes it real.”

“They hate me, clearly.” 

“They don’t hate you; they just aren’t active when you want to be all snuggly.”

“He was though!” 

“He was really active anyway, until he wasn’t. They get still sometimes and there’s this paralyzing moment where I think I need to run to the emergency room because something is wrong. Then one of them would move and cause the other one too.”

“I’d react the same way Miriam.” 

“I know. She doesn’t think I’ll make it until April.”

“We did the research ourselves, most don’t. But we know to expect that and we know the chances of making it 40 weeks are pretty slim.” 

“I make it to 40 weeks I’ll be a balloon, it won’t be a joke.” 

“You look just fine.” 

“I’m shocked Stacy didn’t just ask, most have. I’m already in maternity clothes and have been.”

“Well, one seven pound baby compared to two is going to be different. You’ll be fine.” 

“I do kind of wish it was one each.” 

“You never said how many you wanted total, not even before losing him.” 

“I never had a number really, knew I wanted at least one but I don’t think I want to copy your Mom though. Not sure I can handle that many.” 

“Oh no, I don’t think I want that many either.”

“Three, maybe four sounds like a decent number to me.” 

“Sounds like a good number even to me. Should we maybe skip the movie and start on that room?” 

“I don’t know, the movie sounds interesting and really, I’m going to be of no use in there. Probably need to enlist Tori and Allen one weekend and just pay them in Pizza.” 

“Allen wouldn’t even charge the pizza.” 

“She wouldn’t either but I know some of it is decorations and stuff.” 

“I’ll enlist their help in January; it’ll be after holidays and all.” 

“Yeah, she’ll be busy at the store for the holidays.” 

“So, then we’re watching this movie then?” 

“Start it away.” 

I started the movie that we’d already seen really, but if she wanted to watch it we would. It did sound interesting. About half-way thought I just happen to lay my hand on her side and one of them actually moved so I could feel her! They didn’t hate me after all, not that I ever truly believed they did.

It was still surreal; they were due just after our anniversary. I remember the day we got together, how scared she was that I was leaving. It was hard to grasp how things had changed since then. Losing him and nearly losing her, all the mental complications that came from that. My Miriam really wasn’t the same woman she was beforehand, there were similarities of course but there were differences as well. 

Now, almost three years later she was my wife, the girl I’d been in love with since forever was mine. Trevor could come around all he wants; I know where she goes at night. She was here and we were expecting our first baby, well…babies. It was surreal and kind of strange and exciting and a hundred different other emotions. 

She fell asleep laying against me before the movie was even half over, but it was fine. I let her sleep until I was tired too and then got her up to go to bed. 

  


	37. Butterflies Galore

POV: Zac

January 18, 2014 – Shopping

Thanksgiving had gone very well. While we had the entire family together we disclosed the gender and let them know we were having little girls. Everyone was excited for the prospect of two new babies and especially identical girls. Although some questions such as names or what theme we may do for the nursery we didn’t know. Honestly, we hadn’t discussed it at all!

Christmas had gone well, although Miriam had been quite sick and not feeling well. I think the added weight was making it harder for her at times. Although we had said for them not to get them anything, of course, no one listened. Come present time they had items for Baby A and Baby B. Most of what was gotten was clothes which were going to be needed anyway and little cute things. 

However, Uncle Taylor just couldn’t resist the ultimate gift. Apparently after he’d been told about us expecting he found cribs that looked antique but were new. He had shocked us so much that neither of us could even talk for fifteen minutes. We never expected him to gift us a crib, let along two! He refused to accept payment back for them and insisted they be used.

Tori threw a baby shower last weekend. It was not expected and was really a surprise for Miriam. However, Tori kept things light with simple decorations and games, nothing super expansive or super detailed. Miriam had actually cried because she hadn’t expected it. Despite the shower though, there were still things we needed that hadn’t been given. I hoped and it was granted that she’d be knocked out of the funk of not wanting to shop. 

We were going out today to get whatever was left or close to it, it depended on how she felt. I fixed breakfast and when she was up I brought her breakfast in bed. 

“I’m not sure I can shop today.” 

I giggled. “You aren’t getting out of it.”

She raised a brow and started to protest, but I put my hand over her lips.

“If you don’t feel like going then we can always shop via the internet. I know you may not feel up for it.” 

“I mean, I can a bit but I can’t do all day.” 

“I don’t intend to be out all day. Natalie gave you a list at the shower right?” 

“Yeah, she did it for one and I’ve already gone through the items from the shower and wrote down what we need still.” 

“Okay, so we know what we need and we don’t have to buy everything today.” 

“True, but I would like to accomplish as much as possible while I can still move. Speaking of…I called Rebecca yesterday and she agreed to do photos next month. She’s overly excited and overly happy. She said we can do in studio due to the weather.” 

“You actually want them?” 

“I do. I think she did remarkable last time even though I can barely look at them.” 

I smiled and kissed her. “I suppose I’ll be there?” 

“Yep.”

“I’ll make a note to be off that day for sure.” 

We finished eating breakfast and I got myself dressed and then helped her get ready as well. She really was bigger; she was a little bigger than she was with Aaron when she lost him. It was remarkable and I knew after pictures she probably wouldn’t be going many places or doing things. We headed to Babies R us, a place to get most of our list, added they had wheel chairs or places to sit if needed. We started with the safety items, she was fine while we got the outlet covers and cabinet latches, and she had decided to do bottles fearing that with twins she wouldn’t be producing enough milk. So we chose which brand we wanted and got what we felt would be enough. We also got the cleaners and sterilizers, extra nipples.

After that she had to sit down and fearing we’d be here all day I got her a wheel chair, that way we could continue to shop, and she wasn’t standing. 

“I don’t know what bedding sets to choose.” 

I smiled at her. “I have that covered actually. It’s why they are marked out.” 

“You did?” 

“Yes. I was browsing the other night and saw them. I had to get them and I know you’ll love it. I also have the room paint ready and I know you’ll like it.” 

“Well, it better be girly.” 

“It is. I also marked out some outfits, liked them online and got them. They were all delivered to Mom’s yesterday.”

“Why Mama Diana’s?” 

“So you didn’t see them yet.” 

“Asshole.” 

I smiled at her. We didn’t get all the clothes we may need, because we knew they were cheaper elsewhere. I told her I’d get them at another date because she looked really tired. I wanted to get her home and back resting, because I didn’t want to push her much. But she stopped me.

“Car seats. We need them above anything else in this buggy.” 

I diverted us to the car seats and after an hour of comparing features, comparing prices, and even asking the salesman on preference we chose the Graco 5 in 1 car seat with pink accents. I got two and we checked out. Kids were expensive!

I loaded the car while she got in and once things were loaded, we headed home. Our list was pretty much complete there were still those clothing items but I wasn’t going there today, she really needed to rest the rest of the day. When we got home I assisted her in getting inside, changed and laying down before I unloaded the car. 

We did lunch before she decided a nap was needed, while she was napping I went through the bags and made sure we marked it off. I then made a new list so we could maybe do some online shopping later. I cleaned up some and then laid back down with her. 

I was barely asleep when she sat up screaming and the first thought that came through my head was she was hurting badly enough to warrant the scream. But it was clear when I sat up it wasn’t because of pain. Her breathing was rapid and her face was streaked with tears.

“Miriam? It’s okay. I’m right here.” 

Her body was shaking as I pulled her to me; let her cry because there was nothing I could really say until I knew what happened. I held, rubbed her back and cuddled as much as I could until she had calmed down enough to sit up.

“Are you alright? Was it pain? What happen?” 

“No pain. Just a really bad nightmare.” 

“Nightmare?” 

She nodded. “I had a few with Aaron too, but nothing too bad. But that…” 

I kept my arm around her and waited until she really was truly calmed back down.

“You want to tell me about it?”

“There wasn’t much, same scenario with him. Being in a quiet room when he was born was the same only when them. I’m sorry I scared you.” 

“It’s fine. I’d rather you scare me then keep it quiet. Are you scared about that happening?” 

“Why wouldn’t I be? No amount of positive thoughts will make that fear go away until they are born and they are screaming.” 

“You realize you’ll not want them to be screaming soon after right?” 

“I would much rather hear them screaming than them be super quiet that day.” 

I leaned over and kissed her cheek.

“They’re going to be fine.” 

She gave me a semi-smile but I knew I couldn’t make it go away; I could just keep reminding her. Since she was awake we got up. She opted to actually play some games and then we had dinner, I let my Mom know I’d be getting the things next week for the nursery. 

She and I laid down a bit later than normal, but least sleep came quick for us both.

**January 18, 2014**

I didn’t want Miriam anywhere near the house today because I would be painting, so I had Tori pick her up at 8 to spend time just them. Little girls day, because I doubted there was going to be very many more until they were born. I had made a list yesterday and had everything I needed ready and waiting in the room. 

Miriam hadn’t really stated she wanted a theme, but one thing I know she liked was butterflies. Given that we were having girls it gave me the chance to use butterflies as a theme. The hard part was actually going into the room. 

The walls had been patched where Joshua busted them, but nothing else had really changed. I stood at the door for a long time; the little blue clouds still adorned the walls. It was going to be hard to paint over these colors because I had painted them for Aaron. I spent a few moments just remembering the day I painted it and remembering why. Before I got busy painting over the pretty colors.

The base color would be light lavender, because it would be light and airy. The trim would be darker lavender almost deep purple. They matched the colors on the bedding sets that I bought which had butterflies on them. The first coat went on easy, it was a white coat to cover the darker blues, once that was dry I went on to the lavender and by noon the base colors and trim were done. When the doorbell rang I ran to get it and smiled.

“You rang big bro?” 

“Avie, thank you for coming over.” 

“Anything for my nieces. I feel like we’ve been very distant the last few years.” 

“College and work.”

She smiled. “So, what can I do for you?” 

“I need help painting the nursery, I have until four and I knew I couldn’t get everything done.” 

I knew she’d be super excited about that and she was more than willing to help. We first made a plan, I wanted some butterflies on the walls along with filigree and Avery was the best at that. We made a plan first and then got to painting. She talked me into doing the closet the darker color as well and then we used the darker color and other shades and colors to paint butterflies. 

While the paint dried she helped me put the new cribs together.

“Taylor really shouldn’t have.” I said.

“He saw them and wanted to get them. You know how he is.” 

“Doesn’t mean he should have.” 

She smiled. “How is Miriam?” 

“She is sore, tired, and worried. She had a nightmare last weekend and another one this week. She dreams that the same thing happens to them that happened with Aaron.”

She frowned. “That was horrible though and I can see why she’d be fearful.”

“Yeah, it doesn’t help that she’s had a few mild cramps that have gone away but she’s definitely bigger than she was with him now. So, I don’t think she’ll be doing much after this month.” 

She smiled. “You just plan to wait on her hand and foot?” 

“Of course.” 

“So, do you have names for these little ones?” 

“We’ve talked about a few but nothing concrete. It’s why I’m not doing their names on the walls this time and I think maybe it’s better to not do things exactly like his.” 

“Yeah, has she even been in there?” 

“She barely goes into the room, I am hoping with fresh paint and new cribs and dressers she’ll not be hurting each time she walks in.” 

“Hope so too.” 

The cribs were amazing once they were set up. We chose to put them on the same side of the room at first but that felt cramped, so we put on each side. I was sure Miriam may move them again but this felt right. She touched up the painting before we put the dressers together and got them set up. We then made the beds up and cleaned up the mess we’d made. 

The nursery was for the most part, done. We still needed to put up the clothes and stuff we had for them and for that I wanted Miriam here. 

“Are you putting together the swing and stuff?” 

“Miriam won’t let me just yet, she wants to be sure…”

“She won’t let you?” 

I shook my head no. “She let me unbox the car seats and that’s it. She’s that afraid of losing them. Its fine really, the bouncers take two minutes and the swing we won’t need for a week or so anyway.” 

“I really hope nothing happens to them, I would be afraid of how she’d react.” 

“She’d require suicide watch for sure.”

She frowned. “That won’t happen. We’ll all make sure.”

“Thanks.” 

“Okay, so I’m heading over to Ike’s to see the kids for a bit. Is there anything else you need?” 

“Nope. Thank you for coming by and helping. I may have but you kept me from going overboard.” 

She smiled and I got a hug before she left and headed to Ike’s. While I waited for Miriam to get back I piddled around, washed some clothes and put on some soup for dinner. Tori and Miriam arrived back at five, but Miriam looked really miserable.

I looked at Tori.

“She’s felt sick all day. We just hung out at my place, napped and talked.” 

“Because I am shitty company right now.” Miriam said.

“No MJ, you aren’t. You’re just very preggy.” 

She went to the bathroom and I looked at Tori.

“What didn’t you say?” 

“She’s been complaining of pain in her side, you should keep an eye on her.” 

I nodded and when she came out we were by the nursery door.

“Wanna see it?” I asked.

I could almost see the hesitation in every nerve of her body, but she nodded anyway. I let her go in first and came in behind her, leaving Tori to wait a few moments. Much like with Aaron she cried but I think his were happy tears and these weren’t.

“Miriam?” 

“It’s perfect, it really is.”

“Not happy tears here, what’s wrong?” 

“I wanted to keep something from his room…”

I pushed the door too, it was the only part of the room I hadn’t painted over completely, and all I’d done was add an angel to the top cloud. I’d done that a week ago though.

“I knew you wanted to keep something, so I left the door alone and put an angel to watch over them at night. Because we know they’ll have the best angel in the world. Several of them.” 

That seemed to at least make her not so bad. She still cried though and when Tori came in she even cried. After everyone had their crying spells she got to really seeing the room.

“These blankets are so pretty. Why butterflies?” 

“Seemed appropriate, I got matching ones and I have two more picked out but I wanted you to see them first.” 

“Okay.” 

Once we were done exploring the room we had dinner. Tori stayed for dinner and then headed home and I helped her change into pajamas before we sat down in the living room.

“She mentioned you were hurting?” 

“Yeah, the doctor said I may feel more pains from the weight and size now. I feel like I am nine months and I’m not.” 

“Well, there are two of them and not one and both are doing very well.” 

“I know. I seriously think I won’t be able to do shit soon. I may have to reschedule the pictures for earlier.”

“May have too.”

“So…any idea what we call them? I mean Baby A and Baby B might be a little weird.” 

“I have no more of an idea than last time.” 

“Well, we need to get looking! It’s not long before they are due and I’d like names before then.” 

It was a real relief that she wanted names beforehand! 

“Did you want to use your mother’s name?” 

“No.”

“Anyone in particular you would like to use?”

“If anything, I would want to rule out family member names.”

I got a sheet of paper and wrote down as many family names as I could remember, so we would know which ones to avoid. She then pulled up several baby name websites and generators but nothing that came up really stuck, we didn’t like most of them for various reasons.

“I thought one name was bad.” I said.

“I knew his beforehand though; I never had to think about a little girl, let along two. How are we supposed to do this Zac? We both work so much and we can’t separate them all the time.” 

I looked at her. “You don’t have to work if you don’t want too. Neither of us really has too. But, we can reduce our time there or we can pick one a day and alternate.” 

“You sure do like the idea of me being home all the time.” 

“I like the idea of being able to take care of my girls all the time.”

“Old Fashion you.” 

“You wanted nudes with Aaron, do you still want them?”

“You let me take some.” 

“But they weren’t like professional, she asked and I told her I wasn’t sure.” 

“If you want to take some, I won’t complain.”

She got this really evil look. “Would you take them with me?” 

“Nude? I don’t think that’s a wise idea.”

“Fun sucker.” 

“As Taylor Hanson’s brother that wouldn’t be a good idea.”

“True…But I don’t really mind taking them since we’d be inside and confined.”

“We can always keep those private too.” 

“Always, yes. I didn’t think I would want them because what if something happens but despite not being able to really see the ones before I think I do. I’d regret it more if I didn’t take them.” 

“I’m glad you are.” 

“So, I asked her to be at the hospital too, like we planned before. I am glad she was there and hopefully this is more…happy.” 

“It will be, just keep thinking that way.” 

“So, we don’t have names still. But I think we have some time.” 

“Me too. How about we head to bed? You look tired and I am.” 

She agreed and we got ready for bed, I enjoyed laying beside her now. Because they were active and I could feel that. I also now fully understood what Allen meant, the concept of losing them was something that made me ache deeply. I hadn’t felt that badly with Aaron, I was more concerned with Miriam and now…I don’t know if something happened if I could save her because then who would be saving me?


	38. Hospital Blues

POV: Miriam

March 5, 2014

February had seemed like it crept by, perhaps it was because my days just felt long as crap. I managed to go to work two days and they were early in the month, after that I determined it was just too hard to be there. Nothing was comfortable but my sofa or my bed. Zac went in sometimes but he usually didn’t stay long. 

The maternity pictures had come out very well; we’d already seen the preview and even chose the ones we wanted. I felt like I looked like a massive whale at that point but I had to admit the photos were remarkable and we decided she’d be our family photographer. 

Two days after the pictures I started having really weird things occur like the back ache that didn’t seem to want to leave, the nausea and what felt like cramping. I didn’t hesitate with those symptoms because while they seemed innocent I didn’t want to be sick this late in the pregnancy. So, I’d made an appointment and she’d done an exam and sent me to the hospital. 

Pre-term labor wasn’t uncommon for multiples and I reached 29 weeks the first of February. I had gone to the doctor the 26 th, putting me at 33 weeks. That was pretty average but the hospital gave me something to stop labor because I was nowhere near dilation and the mucus plus was still intact. Dr. Shannon, however, would not let me leave the hospital. 

Because I had no prior problems with Aaron until it was too late, she wanted me to remain at the hospital where nurses could check via a Doppler that their heart beats were strong and nothing seemed abnormal. I really hated the idea of spending this much time in a hospital. Constant reminder that I was here before but at the same time if it meant there was an increased chance that nothing happens, I’d take it.

So, I’ve spent the last week in the hospital. It wasn’t home. The food was eh, the bed slept weird, I was sure Zac hated the sofa thingy, but being able to hear their heart beats daily was making it bearable, along with my laptop, books, and a few games. 

In the meantime, Zac had finished shopping and setting up and I was sure that included the swing and bouncer, but I could deal. He also had to deal with both stores because I physically couldn’t. I could help Tori over the phone if needed, or view invoices and check orders. But, as far as being there, I couldn’t. 

I was presently bored because Zac was at the second store and everyone else I knew was at work. I had already tried reading, resulted in a two hour nap and nothing on TV caught my eye. So, I had too much time and that lead to thinking, which was just as bad. I was about to call Natalie to see if she was bored when the door opened.

It was Trevor that came into the room and I was utterly confused, because I hadn’t seen him since right before I got pregnant. I wasn’t even aware that he knew I was here or that I was pregnant again.

“Trevor? What are you doing here?” 

“My sister told me…”

Evidently he didn’t know I was pregnant either, he paused mid-step and kind of blinked. 

“You’re pregnant?”

“You had to come to labor and delivery to see me; I thought that would make it obvious.” 

“I didn’t…she just said you were here.” 

“I could have sworn I told her she needed to stop giving you update on me. I’m not your girlfriend.” 

“I wish you were.”

He then glanced around; I guess he didn’t check first to see if Zac was here. Seeing he wasn’t he felt braver apparently?

“He should be here if you’re in labor.” 

“I’m not in labor; I’m here on bed rest and observation, to prevent anything from happening to them.” 

“Them?”

“We’re having twins.” 

“I didn’t know you had them on your side of the family.” 

“Neither of us do. But it happened. Why are you here? You already know that I’m not available and I’m not going to be available.”

“I just thought…”

I saw the door move some, I was kind of relieved that Zac had just arrived because Trevor didn’t seem to want to take no for an answer and I didn’t want to stress myself out.

“You thought what Trevor? That she’d suddenly changed her mind? That she was here for something other than this reason?”

“She just said she was here, she didn’t say why.” 

“Doesn’t matter why she’s here. The point is you have no business being here, she is my wife and not yours. I told you before we were married that she wouldn’t be coming to you. I told you after we got married that I am not you, I know what a treasure I have and I’m not going to give it up.”

“Funny, she wasn’t all that thrilled earlier last year.” 

“That was last year and we talked about it and worked through it. It’s what couples do. They talk things out. Now, she’s here on bed rest and you aren’t going to stress her out. So, if you came for some reason other than to ask her to divorce me, then go ahead. If that’s why you came then you need to leave and when you do, don’t come back.” 

“Miriam?” Trevor asked.

“He’s right. If that’s why you’re here then leave. I’m not going to divorce him and even if there comes a day that we did, I wouldn’t be coming back to you.” 

He sighed and started for the door.

“Trevor.” I said.

He turned and looked at me. “Yes?” 

“Don’t expect any more updates from your sister. I’ll be removing her from everything and informing her that our friendship is over. I’ve asked her multiple times not to report to you and she keeps on. I won’t put up with that anymore.” 

He left the room without another word.

“I knew she’d call.” Zac said.

“It’s fine. I should have ended it a while back.” 

He sat down on the bed. “He didn’t upset you did he? I’d hate to chase him out of the hospital.” 

“No, you came in right after he got here. Thank you for that though; I don’t know why he’s kept on.” 

He smiled. “He realized what kind of treasure you really are, disappointed that he let you get away.” 

“You really think that’s it?” 

“I do. Have the doctors been in?” 

“No. I doubt she’ll send me home though. She was pretty determined I was staying until they arrived.” 

Speaking of doctors, about the time I finished my sentence Dr. Shannon walked in.

“I just asked if you’d been by.” Zac said.

“I’m running late today, emergency cesarean first thing this morning.” 

“Hope things went well.” I said.

“They did.”

She leaned against the sink and I wondered if this was going to be a conversation I hated because of how she looked.

“You are at 34 weeks today; you lost your previous about mid-way through the 35 th week. Your blood work is showing normal, you haven’t dilated at all, and there are no signs of contractions. I want to send you home, because there is no real reason to keep you. However, there is this gut feeling saying that would be the wrong decision.” 

“I just told him I didn’t think I’d be going home.” 

“I just feel bad that you’d be here a while without a just reason.” 

“Do you think something would happen if she went home?” 

She was quiet a moment. “Looking at her blood work and vitals, no. Everything is normal ranges across the board. But, reviewing the notes from the previous one and things were fine then as well. We’ve ensured the placenta hasn’t moved at all.”

“But you don’t feel like I need to go home?” 

“Exactly. 35 weeks isn’t far and honestly most twin pregnancies are born at 33 weeks but you’re past that. I would like to schedule an induction...” 

I cut her off. “No. Unless there is a problem or it’s after 40 weeks, I don’t want to be induced nor do I want a cesarean unless it’s medically necessary.”

“I was aiming for the first of April. Somewhere close to 37 almost 38 weeks.” 

“I would rather wait.”

“What if labor did start before then?” Zac asked.

“Once she reachs 35 weeks if labor starts again, we won’t stop it. Hospital policy is 36, but, because of what happened before we won’t even at 35 and because you have twins.” 

“And if for some reason nothing goes wrong and she reached 40?” 

Zac was being overly positive there, 40 weeks?

“We’ll monitor to make sure everything is fine. However, I don’t recommend going past 40 because of it being twins. Odds are, you won’t make it to 40 weeks.” 

“That’s fine.” 

She did do a Doppler check while she was here and given that both had strong heartbeats and were doing well she left us alone.

“How was the store?”

“They’re doing well. Tori said she was coming up when she got off.” 

“I could use someone when you’re not here. I guess though I am here until they are born.” 

“I’d rather you be here then be repeating what happened.” 

“Everything cleaned and ready?” 

“Mom didn’t trust me, so she went over and washed the clothes, blankets and stuff and made sure the house was clean. I was told to not touch anything until you were home.” 

“Sounds like Mama Diana.” 

He didn’t stay much longer, going back to the store but promised to bring me dinner and he did. Hospital food was good, homemade was better. Mama Diana was going to make damn sure they were healthy. I’d never get my normal weight back though. 

There was a part of me that wanted my bed, wanted my own living room sofas. But, part of me said if things went bad I was here. They would know something was wrong and they’d get them out of me before they died. That comforting feeling was all I needed to ignore the endless boredom.

**March 26, 2014**

36 weeks, 6 days. I’d made it past 35 weeks without any other problems or complications. According to the last sonogram they were doing very well and both were around the five to seven pound weight range, they couldn’t tell for sure. It explained why I was so huge! 

But, 29 days in a hospital with endless time to do nothing but think…wasn’t sure that was good for me. The therapist had come to me this month, I couldn’t leave the grounds. The nurses didn’t have to make me get up and walk; I did so whenever someone was here to walk with me. Mama Diana had come up a lot, Papa Walker, Jessica and Joe were here, Avery, Zoe and Mac had taken turns. Even Isaac and Taylor had come to spend time and even walk with me. It was clear to see that they were all excited for the new arrivals.

Zac was presently kicked back playing some game on his phone and I’d been watching a movie but there was something very important we needed to talk about.

“Honey.” 

He raised his head some, looking over the top of the phone, good grief that was like sex on the sofa but I was way too big for that! 

“Yes?” 

“You know they could be here any day right?” 

“Yes. I am aware of that.” 

“Are you aware that we haven’t decided on names for them? I mean we can’t call them Baby A and Baby B Hanson.” 

“We could, but that might be weird.” 

“We don’t have a lot of time now.” 

He saved and exited the game he was playing and got up.

“Walk and talk? You haven’t really been up today.” 

“Walk and then talk.” 

“Works for me too.” 

Getting up was a bit harder, moving was overall harder, and my walks now were a little shorter. So we really weren’t out of the room long, really just for the nurses to change the sheets and things on the bed and clean the room. I choose to sit up in the chair though versus the bed.

“I won’t ever complain if I have more and it’s just one about being tired.” 

“If you have more? I didn’t think you would after them.” 

“Haven’t decided.” 

He chose the couch and brought up the laptop which produced thousands of names. After he went through the strange names like Apple and North, which I didn’t even need to say no too, just raise a brow. He found more normal names. Breanna, Cameron, even his family names which were crossed off. Thirty minutes became an hour, then two.

“I kind of want to do an A name.” I said.

“Why A?” 

“Aaron and then keep it going with A’s.” 

“You mean like name every child we have whether it’s just them or more, with a name starting with A?” 

“Yes. The Duggars do it, they chose J’s.” 

“Honey, we aren’t them.” 

“No. But, I would like to try. May not happen and we may not find two A names we like. It would make this easier though.” 

It took him thirty minutes to compile a long list of names starting with A. Anabelle, Ashleigh, Ava, Anna, and so on. I actually got super sleepy trying to find one so he helped me back and while I napped, he promised to keep looking. When I woke up at three he was playing games again!

“Zac…”

He gave me his trade mark smile and pointed to a list beside me.

“I picked out the ten names I’d choose. I am hoping at least two you like also.” 

I got myself woken up and before I could pick it up the nurses came in and had to check and poke and take blood. Once they were done doing all of that I picked it up. He’d done a remarkable job; there were the name, its pronouncement, origins, and meaning. I gazed over once, seeing a few I didn’t like. Annamarie was one of those but near the bottom he’d selected two that kind of drew me to them.

Aveline which meant breath of life and Anaelle, which he said was pronounced as Aneal and meant Angel. He was even thinking middle names because below them were possible.

“You aren’t saying much, do you hate them all?” 

He sounded a little bit scared and I giggled.

“No, I was thinking about these two. Aveline and Anaelle. I’m not sure Anaelle Hope would be good, but Anaelle Faith would be. Aveline Hope wouldn’t be bad either.” 

He appeared thoughtful for a moment.

“I like those better. Does that mean…they have names?” 

“Well, at least until their born! I may suddenly hate them both once they are here.” 

“I was worried about Anaelle, because of the meaning.”

“She could be the perfect little angel and never do anything bad.” 

He laughed. “They are my kids Miriam; do you really believe they’ll never do anything bad?” 

“I can certainly hope they take after me instead of you.” 

“You know you want them to have some adventurous side.” 

“Seriously? You stayed grounded more than I did. I’d rather they be good and explore than confine them to rooms all the time for the bad behavior.” 

“You were no angel.” 

“I was more of an angel than you.” 

“I’m sure Mom would disagree.” 

“No, she’d agree with me right now.” 

“Yeah, until you’re not preggy anymore and then she won’t agree with you.”

“So, we choose those names for now? Change if needed?” 

“I agree with both. I like the names and I think they’ll fit them.”

“What are you even playing?”

“Zombie game.” 

He got up and came over, sat down beside me and I got to at least watch him play for a while, until the battery got low and then he still sat there. 

He could really feel them move now, given their space was so limited now. I could even see the movements which was so weird to me even now. 

“You’ll still love me even if I can’t regain that pre-baby weight, right?” 

He almost looked offended and clearly the question had hurt his feelings some.

“Miriam, I don’t love you just because of how you look. You didn’t think that did you?” 

“No, but I read all kinds of blogs where husbands don’t care afterwards.” 

“I am not them. I will love you even if you never lose the weight. I love you for the person you are not how you look.” 

“But you gotta admit you liked the prebaby look.” 

“And I will like the post baby look because I know that you carried them for nine months. Every little mark, every little pound will remind me of the miracles we created. I will love you regardless to your look.” 

“Can we…not do twins anymore?” 

“There you go again mentioning after them, don’t give me false hope.” 

“You wanted more than two…right?” 

“Three or four, but I’ll be happy with two.”

I laid my head over. “We’ll see.” 

“You miss being home.” 

“I’ll be so glad to be home. I miss my bed and my couch and my bathroom.” 

“The nights I stay there are very lonely without you.” 

“Is that why you’ve been basically living here too?” 

“Yeah, I sleep better in that reclining chair near you, than I do at home in the bed without you.” 

“You got pretty use to it.” 

“I miss cuddle time so badly.” 

“You know they aren’t going to allow much cuddle time right?” 

“I know. But, I can then cuddle with the three of you and be fine.” 

“Do we have their bags here?” 

“Yes. I brought them up yesterday actually, put them in the closet.”

“Do they have matching take home suits?” 

He just smiled and got up. “I thought about that and went shopping.” 

He came back with just one outfit, but assured me there were two. Each of them had pink pants with footie’s, the tops having little bows. The shirts were white with pink, blue, and yellow butterflies all over them. The trim was in pink and it snapped on the far left side. They also had white hats with the same butterflies.

“I know the shirts a bit thin, so I got some solid white onesies for them also. I knew they’d need to be warmer than us. Plus, mom sent really thick blankets to put over them for the ride home.” 

I smiled at him. “They’re perfect.” 

“I also brought a thin one piece that zips up, has a big butterfly on the chest. This however is smaller of the two; I think it’ll fit better.” 

“I think these will be perfect.” 

Once we knew we had names, had home outfits, he assured me the car seats were ready too. It was just waiting for them to make their arrival.


	39. Welcome

POV: Miriam / Zac

April 15, 2014

39 weeks 6 days. I was really shocked that I had nearly made it to the 40 week mark. Doppler’s still showed that their heart beats were strong, steady and doing very well. The last sonogram she done last week said they had grown and they were both head down, which was very good. 

I never thought I’d say it: I was ready for this pregnancy to be over with.

She had a scheduled induction tomorrow, not allowing me to go beyond that, if the induction didn’t work she would do a cesarean. I couldn’t deny that I was about ready to say do the surgery but a few days and I could survive. 

“Miriam?” Zac asked.

The room was dark; I had commanded they turn the damn lights off at night after a few sleepless nights, so how he knew I was awake was beyond me.

“Yes?” 

“You should be asleep…”

“So should you.” 

“Touché, I’m awake because I have to pee. But, you aren’t awake because of that.” 

“I just woke up, haven’t drifted back off.”

Truthfully, I really, really missed sleeping beside him. I missed feeling his arms over my waist, missed feeling his warmth. He did indeed get up and go to the bathroom but he came back and sat down on the bed.

“You’re almost at 40.”

“Yeah…” 

“You sound…scared.” 

It was still dark, so he couldn’t really see me that well but clearly he knew me well. I shouldn’t expect anything less but sometimes I forget that he does know me and that is what makes him the best husband in the world to me. He moved and I found him laid back beside me and within a moment his arm was around my shoulders. I moved into that space the best I could.

“You know they are healthy Miriam, the doctor has assured you and I both that they are. Why would you be afraid now?” 

I took a deep breath, enjoying his scent because damn I missed it.

“I’m not afraid of that.” 

“Then what?” 

“I’m wondering if I can hold them without crying later, if they’ll remind me of him. I’m wondering if we can really do this with two of them.” 

“You can and you will. They might, after all he looked like you. If anyone can it’s you and I. You know we’ll have help. Mom’s actually debating about staying a few days with us, so that you can rest. Especially if we end up with surgery.” 

“She mentioned it and I think I want her too, either way.” 

“I’m sure she will if we ask.” 

“I find it strange that the time we said we’d wait it happens.” 

“I’ve been telling you for a while that you’d be a great Mom. Did you think I lied?” 

“No. But, I didn’t believe it.” 

“Well, believe it now. You should really try to sleep though.” 

“Only if you stay.” 

“I’ll stay until they kick me out.” 

I adjusted to be a bit more comfortable and did drift off pretty easily, until about nine am when a really sharp pain woke me up. He was still beside me, still in the same spot.

“Miriam?” 

“Sharp pain.”

“So you want me to get a nurse?” 

I could still feel them moving some but I didn’t want to take any risks, so I nodded and let him up. The nurses came and checked me over.

“It’s possible you are starting labor on your own. Which would be ideal.” 

That sounded like a good plan to me! Of course as the day wore on, I began to think maybe I’d have rather just dealt with the surgery! 

It was five pm. Labor had definitely started on its own. From about ten to three it had been just occasional pains nothing bad, but from three to now it had been worse. They were getting closer, there was less time between them and that gave less time for me to recover! 

Rebecca has been here an hour, she was in for the long haul and had several bags with her. Zac had put them up; she was taking some pictures randomly but not really filming.

I was trying to doze like they wanted, but each time I was almost asleep, another contraction would occur. Zac was dozing; Mama Diana was watching the TV.

“Do you feel alright?” She asked.

“Just tired, keep trying to doze and can’t.” 

She smiled. “It won’t be long now. You’re doing really well.” 

I gave her a faint smile and gritted my teeth as the next one occurred. They agreed to do an epidural once I was closer and I wasn’t quite at three yet. I finally felt like I could nap and maybe did indeed sleep a bit, because when I opened my eyes Zac was eating. But, they wouldn’t give me anything. The IV was now in and they didn’t want me to have anything solid until afterwards incase of surgery.

“You slept through like three contractions…” Zac said.

I nodded because the fourth one I hadn’t. 

“Mean to be eating in front of me.” 

“Sorry.”

“I feel like I need to move, walk, or something.” 

I wasn’t restricted yet and he finished up and then helped me move around. I didn’t wonder far though and Rebecca got a few photos but they were getting rougher. Once I was back settled Rebecca smiled at me.

“Before you get too bad, do you want pictures of the births themselves? I want to be sure beforehand.” 

“Yes.” 

“Okay. Just making sure before you reach the point where the pain makes you say crazy things.” 

I smiled at her and thanked her. I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to look at the photos from Aaron’s birth, they said with time I would, but I still couldn’t. Maybe if they were born healthy and things went well I would be able too. 

Dr. Shannon came in late in the afternoon did her own check and that included listening to their heartbeats. She listened for a long time though.

“Any reason why you are doing that?” 

She smiled. “Making sure they aren’t getting stressed. Their heartbeats are strong still and good rhythm. We’re going to strap you to the monitor here soon, keep a check since you aren’t progressing fast.”

She didn’t kid either, thirty minutes later I was hooked up again. I had been earlier this morning. Hearing it helped me though because I could hear their heartbeats. I knew they were alive. 

**April 16, 2014 – Zac-**

The monitor told us when to expect contractions and it was getting closer together, the closer they got the worse she got. Her pain tolerance was never high and they gave her the epidural when it was appropriate which helped but not much. She cat napped from about 6 last night to nine, after nine last night they got a bit worse and by three am she was to a point where no one but me could touch her. 

It was five am and I was sitting on the bed, rubbing her thigh to keep her calm. My mom had to go home, she was beyond exhausted but they were coming back soon. She was trying to stay calm but she kept getting agitated.

“Miriam.” 

“I’m trying but…fuck.” 

Her hand clamped down on my arm and I waited, it hurt like hell but I didn’t want to show that to add to her feelings. I kept my other hand rubbing her thigh. I saw Rebecca take a photo she’d been asleep most of the night herself. The nurse came in and checked, she was at 9 and three quarters.

That news seemed to make Miriam more agitated, her heart rate spiked, and her thigh even tightened some. The nurse stepped out and I looked at Rebecca, silent communication she got up and stepped out as well.

“Miriam, are you okay? You keep getting agitated when she tells you.” 

“I’m fine.” 

“You’re lying to me. Stop doing that. I know you’re hurting and I know that’s most of it but the closer you’ve gotten to ten the worse it is. You know they’re fine, you can hear their heartbeats still.” 

She couldn’t answer for the contraction, which I was sure was putting her at ten or at least the next one would. 

“I know they are okay, but what if I do something after they’re here? I didn’t have that with him, I knew.” 

I leaned down and kissed her forehead. “You will be a remarkable mother Miriam. You won’t do anything stupid after they are here. You are going to love them, treasure the moments with them, and if either of us have questions we have my Mom and aunts and uncles to ask. They’ll be fine. You’ll be perfect.” 

“What if I can’t do this delivery?” 

“You can. You are stronger than you think. You delivered him knowing ahead of time, if you can do that then you can do this. Aren’t you ready to meet them?” 

“Yes.” 

“I’m sure you’re at ten or this coming one will put you there, you can do this Miriam.” 

The others came back including the doctor and sure enough she was at ten. I expected the actual pushing process to be a bit longer, but it wasn’t very many until the doctor said she was crowning, I could see lots of hair. Rebecca kept taking pictures, nurses were waiting and I was watching my daughter be born as well as encouraging Miriam.

Baby A was officially born at 5:45am. Yet, the moment she was clear the room was so quiet, I could almost see it on her face that she was about to just fall apart. The longer the seconds passed the worse she seem to look and even I was feeling it. A nurse was using a nasal aspirator and after a very long minute the best sound in the world echoed through the room and that was the sound of our daughter screaming. 

I wasn’t sure if her tears were from relief or pain, but either way once they had her airways cleared she was laid up onto Miriam. They directed me to cut the cord, but while we’d all like to see and hold she had a sister that still needed to arrive. Rebecca had a helper at this point, the helper went with the nurses to photograph them cleaning and getting her settled while Rebecca stayed with Miriam and I. 

Baby B was officially born at 5:59 am, unlike her sister she arrived screaming and there was no need to fret or worry. Again, they laid her on Miriam while I cut the cord. After a few minutes though they took her to be cleaned and I went to see them while they took care of whatever had to be done.

Seeing them together was surreal, I was a father and these two beautiful little humans were mine. I was just staring at them when I felt some need to check on my wife. The doctor was still with her but there was so much blood. 

“Dr. Shannon?” 

“It’s fine.” 

Miriam looked tired but she looked pale too. I walked over to her and kissed her forehead.

“They’re perfect, but I need you.”

“I’m just really tired.” 

“She’s fine Zachary, I promise. She did lose a bit of blood but she’s okay. We’re going to get her warmed up and then bring those lovelies over to see Mommy.” 

Moments later they were wrapping her in blankets and putting a little heater under the blanket, and then they were bringing them over. Laying next to their mother it was clear who they took after, not that I’d complain ever. Baby A was the quiet one, laying there snuggled in her blankets against her Mom, while B was moving some, looking around and maybe a little whiney.

“My little wiggle worm is clearly an Aveline while the little quiet one is Anaelle.” She said.

“I completely agree.”

I took Aveline because she really was getting quite wiggly and Miriam wasn’t quite at a 100% to keep her from wiggling away. I sat down beside her as the nurses handed us bottles.

“There probably hungry. Little Anaelle is seven pounds even and 18 inches, while her sister, Aveline is seven pounds two ounces and 18 inches as well. We’re trying regular good start from Gerber to see how they react.” 

“Thank you.” Miriam said.

We were parents. Holy fuck we were parents.

**April 17, 2014**

Miriam had fed them that first time and she just didn’t want them out of sight. It was understandable and they were left in the room with us, but she was near the point of passing out from being so tired when Mom came up. Reassured that my mother would go nowhere, she slept. It was what she needed; she was way more alert and able to really see them. She was able to realize that she had delivered two perfectly healthy, babies. That made her cry. But, least it wasn’t from sadness.

They were now a full day old. They were eating very well; the formula seemed to agree with them. Miriam had been able to feed each of them a number of times; they seemed to prefer the same schedule thankfully. But, either way, I saw a lot of sleepless night ahead. 

Changing the diapers for me was the nerve wracking part, because they weren’t boys. I’d never changed my nieces and only a hand full of times had I changed my younger sister’s diapers. But after a few, you kind of got use to it. 

The family and our close friends had met Aveline and Anaelle; they loved their names and agreed with who got what name. Rebecca had stayed until they were over five hours old, she then headed out but we had our own cameras for the ones with family members or ones we each wanted to take. 

Right now they were all sleeping and I was laying here watching them all. My girls. I’d waited forever on Miriam and I wish now that I hadn’t, but now that she was mine I wasn’t going to let her go ever. Not that I could, we now shared an unbreakable bond in our daughters. I was fearful I may never have children of my own once I realized how it was on her; I could now really envision how losing him had affected her. The thought of one or both of my girls not making it, terrified me and the heartache was so real.

Miriam turned and her eyes opened.

“Can’t sleep?” I asked.

“I want my bed. I want my house.” 

“You and I both. But, Dr. Shannon said she wants to ensure that both you and they are 100% before letting you leave.” 

“I know. Another day maybe.”

I got up and moved to the bed.

“It’s been a whirlwind 24 hours. How are you?” 

“Still tired.” 

I tilted my head some. “Miriam.” 

She took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.

“Anaelle scared me honestly; I just knew something had happened. I think hearing her screaming and crying may have been the best sound I’ve ever heard. It was scary. But, knowing they are really okay and nothing is wrong has helped.”

“I told you they’d be alright.” 

“I recall at once you told me our child would be fine.” 

I leaned over and kissed her. “I may have been kidding, but given they are both here and both fine, maybe I wasn’t.” 

“I love you, thank you for being so patient the last several months. Thank you for being my angel when I needed one. Above all…thank you for two healthy little girls.” 

I smiled at her and kissed her again. “I love you and you’re welcome. But, I can’t take all the credit with them, after all I only helped make them, you did the hard work and I thank you for doing this even if it was hard. I know it wasn’t easy.” 

“I didn’t think I could ever give you a family photo. When I saw the one of us with Aaron I didn’t think it would be possible. Rebecca showed me the first one she took of us all, she said I needed to see that and I did.” 

I kissed her forehead. “You know, we could have started small and done just one at a time.” 

“Yeah, we could have but we didn’t.” 

As if on cue Anaelle started moving around and quickly followed by Aveline, and so it begins…

I got her and Anaelle settled first and then got Aveline myself, it wasn’t easy to feed two at once with just two hands. She had considered breastfeeding them but decided against it and I was kind of glad she did. Once they had eaten we changed them into something else. They were lying together when Rebecca came to the door.

“I was here for another client, just checking in.” 

“We’re good.” I said.

She smiled and came over. “I couldn’t wait to print this one, I’ll have the others ready when you go home and I’d love to get you all in again soon. Newborn photos are darling.” 

The picture she had printed was the one of us all, that first family photo. 

“Aren’t you taking their going home hospital photos?” I asked.

“I am this afternoon. They may not get to leave today but you’ll have them. I’ll rush the editing process and have them to you soon.” 

“Thank you for everything.” Miriam said.

“You’re welcome. I am glad I got to be here.” 

She saw them both for a few minutes before heading out and she wasn’t the only visitor that day. My parents came back with the younger siblings, Jessica and Joe came by, Isaac and his family came by, Taylor and his came by. Tori came up after work and some of the co-workers came up too but not many. It was a great day and late that afternoon they gave Miriam the news she had wanted for days. If the girls and her passed their exams they could go home tomorrow.


	40. Epilogue

POV: Miriam / Zac

August 16, 2014

Aveline and Anaelle were four months old and they were normal, happy little girls. It didn’t mean that I wasn’t afraid of a future pregnancy ending like Aaron’s did, but it also now made me see that it may not happen ever again. They’d come home the day promised and while Diana had stayed about two weeks with us, she’d eventually went home and we took over. It was exhausting work taking care of two babies the same age. 

Anaelle was our angel baby; she was always content, always happy and rarely cried for any reason. Aveline on the other hand was the fussy one. They may look identical, but their personalities were different. It was a new adventure to see what new little traits we would find within them over the next several years. 

Mentally I had a few times where I really had to have Diana there; those first two weeks were rough on many levels. But, I was getting better every day and I now had two beautiful reasons to live along with a very loving husband who would always be there.

**-Zac-**

I was sure that I made the right choice for who the mother of my children was. Just seeing her interact with them and love them was enough. I was so glad that she didn’t lose them, because it opened up her opinion on potentially having more later on, we really couldn’t handle adding another baby with these two being so young. 

Four long months, I was glad they were starting to sleep more during the night now. But, adjusting to having two little ones was harder. I was so glad Mom came and helped; because some of the things Miriam had problems with I didn’t know how to fix. 

It had been a long two years, but I wouldn’t trade any of the moments because those moments made us who we are today. I had my Miriam and we had our girls. That was all we needed (unless, we added to the brood!).


End file.
